singerofsadsong

I am a newcomer, just realizing that I need help. I have read the step one thread up in the step studies sticky's it gave me some good ideas. I plan on answering all the discussion questions on there next.

I am ~30 yr old male dealing with newlywed AW. Yes I knew she was an alcoholic and still married, her, so obviously, that was not the move that most sane people would make. I would prefer a male sponsor with experience living (and making it work?) with alcoholic partner.

I haven't seen much chat on here about sponsors, I realize a local one would probably be a better choice, but between work and running me and my licenses-less wife to all engagements, the house, the responsibilities, and just a little me time...I don't think I have the time to make it to meetings to find one.

Please volunteer if you think you have the experience to help me, in the mean time I will just keep trying to read the material here.

mrphillipctrs1

Hey Singer,

I would find the time, make the time to go to Al Anon. This is just me, but I would expect more members to feel the same way.

I am a little over a month from my XAGF, she ran off basically, her specialty. So I am relatively new as well.

The thing is that you will get information from everyone here, everyone and anyone will help you.

You are working on yourself, just by coming here. But there is so much more that you can do. Al Anon, take the codependency test in the sticky section, and the Al Anon test as well.

Come back and keep posting!

DesertEyes

Hello there singer, and pleased to "meet" you

yeah I know how that goes. I had a disabled wife, so I had to drive her all over too. A 16yr old daughter, and two of her girlfriends that moved in cuz their parents were no good, and their little brothers and sisters, and all their dogs and cats, and wife's elderly parents whom we saw every weekend. And yes, house, cars, etc. And I was running three different buisnesses at the same time. They were _small_ things, but still a ton of paperwork.

so yeah I was busy.

The thing is, I _wanted_ to stay sober. Cuz drinking just messed up my life and if I got on that ride again I knew I would lose the wife, the kids, the house, the buisnesses, the cars, etc. etc. That's just what booze does to me.

So for me it was just a matter of deciding what I want to keep more. I wanted to keep the good things I had. That simple.

Turned out it wasn't that difficult to squeeze in a little time for meetings. All I had to do was spend the _same_ amount of time doing my recovery as I had spent doing my drinking. When I was drinking I wouldn't go straight home from work, I'd go see a buddy and have a few drinks. Just a few.

So to stay sober after work I would go to a meeting. Just one. They're actually shorter than the time I would spend with my buddies having a couple drinks. when I was drinking I would have more time on the weekends to go drinking with my buds, so in sobriety I just spent the same amount of time on the weekends at a meeting.

Basically, I work my recovery the same way I used to work my drinking.

It's worked real good so far. Have a nice place to live, kids are grown up and have kids of their own. All of them like me and keep in touch. Have a newer car, decent job, good friends. I'm still plenty busy, but I have time for a sponsor and meetings and sponsees.

That simple.

Mike

AlwaysGrowing

Singer

I will tell you living with a AW only gets worse over time,, never better. Maybe periods of up but the lows also get lower.

In my personal experience from sobering up 18 years and dealing with my wife who is now sober it can and will be a rough ride unless you have a STRONG and IN THE KNOW experience person available. You have made a good choice asking for help. Over the net of phone calls doesn't replace face to face.

You are fighting a battle that you are not capable of winning with her. She will ONLY get well AFTER SHE WANTS it BAD. Untill then....

Feel free to PM me and a face to face Alanon meetings will do ALOT of good.

AG

singerofsadsong

Ever get the jumping out of the car while stopped at a light runaway?

Thanks for the note. Nice to know other guys are in or were in this situation. I feel it is humiliating. Like "I am the man. I am supposed to be the bad one."

AlwaysGrowing

How about we are the man who is to take the lead and set the example. We should be able to stand on our own with Gods help and while holding our hand out be able to help others. Ok,, a tough one but a goal reaching out for every day.

AG

mrphillipctrs1

More like trying to stop her from driving anywhere. She used to lay out in the street in front of the house and dance in the yard after she had been up all night drinkng.

It is a tough thing to deal with that we are the guys, but addiction takes no prisoners. We are no different than the females on the board, we have to find us, for us, learn from the experience. Myself I have come some way in the last several weeks. I recognize myself for who I am, and who I was in the relationship. I needed to wake up and she was my coffee. I have looked back on the 2 years and found a pattern. I was one in a line of individuals who did not let her fall on her behind. I am working through what I did, and why I did it.

I pride myself on being a compassionate, an understanding individual. Unfortunately I did not have the understanding to give up, when I should have. My patience with her almost cost me everything. I had to come to the realization that I made up who she was in my mind, not the reality of the situation. I fell for the hardluck stories, the turmoil in her life, and it is only now that I can look back and see the pattern of her lies, her cheating, and her addiction.

I am one of the lucky ones on here as I only had two years of a relationship with her. She left me and her recovery and that is what it took for me to wake up. I finally went No Contact and Let Go, Let God, it is the only way to get better for me.

I am looking forward to my recovery, and my goals and who God is going to put in my life next. I am patient to a fault, but I believe that God still has this in store for me, He just needed me to realize if this is what I wanted, that I had to make adjustments and rely on Him to make it happen.

I have been through what you are going through and it sucks, but just like me you have a choice, watch the trainwreck continue or get off at the next station. The next stop is coming up soon, what will you do?