FreeingMyself

Sometimes I get really angry with myself for minimizing my AH's past behaviors, I know I do this often. Why do I give him SO much credit for doing little things?? So today is Friday, and he has been "nice" and not drinking that I know of since Sunday - or Monday....and I am feeling more at ease, less stressed. However he expects me to act like everything is AOK...in fact he even brought up having "relations" which I am SO not ready to do....it's only been 5 days since he was mean and nasty with his words. Why does he thing that after a couple days of being nice that everything is ok? Is it a ploy to get me back where he wants me? So the curve ball is his behavior this week.....nice, almost sweet, caring and helpful - so NOT what he normally is. I feel like I am falling for it - hook, line, and sinker again....and yet in my heart I know there is probablly a time limit on his "nicenesss". His good behavior usually only lasts 4-5 days. I have a plan, for what must happen with us but it is on my timeline that has a purpose.....but I keep asking the question what if this time he really changes and becomes better, even though I know odds are very much against it??

Freedom1990

What does his past behavior tell you about the odds of him changing?

FreeingMyself

Freedom - I know that the past indicates the future...and I am very upset with myself for even holding on to a shred of hope. Any thoughts on WHY I can't just throw in the towel....I keep saying it is for the kids...but I now better.....I know I must have some FEAR about it all....

singerofsadsong

I'm right there with you mentallyexh

And If I am mistaken, and my AW really did drink today when she said she hadn't, then I used to be there, and I'll be there again soon.

It's a rollercoaster. I am hoping some people here can help you and me deal with this jacka**ery.

I would suggest sticking to your plans, in my experience 1 week isn't enough to dry out, and he may really be sincere, but if he can relax into thinking everything's ok, he may slip back. But really, what the heck do I know, I am right there with you wondering the same things.

FreeingMyself

singer-
I try to be realistic, I do.....it makes it easier to know I'm not the only one who contiunally is trying....and I realize a week is nothing....and it is not his drinking it is his verbal abuse that is terrible and his manipulation and extreme anger and "meanness" (not sure that is a real word). I have come to find in my situation that I blamed alcohol for his bad behavior...but I'm pretty sure it is just his personality...and well, I'm not sure that can every really change.

singerofsadsong

Yeah, I got a firecracker too, she goes off with what I consider verbal abuse. She then apologizes, (and wait for it) then starts over with the verbal abuse. Typically only when she is drinking or really upset (usually cause her life is screwed up from drinking). So deep down I know there is a good personality there, at least, I hope so.

suki44883

Come on now. You know this guy. You've spent a lot of time trying to get away from him. You know all you need to know about how he operates. Please, don't undo all the progress you have made by forgetting the past. Go back and read your old threads if you need a refresher course.

Sweetie, it's just like an alcoholic who stops drinking for a while. They tend to forget the awfulness of it. They start to think that maybe they over-reacted and they're really not an alcoholic and that they can control it. It rarely if ever works. Don't forget the fact that you worked so hard to get away from him for a reason. Time can heal wounds, but it can't change facts.

Freedom1990

Apparently it's still working for you on some level.

What concerns me most is the abuse and your children being exposed to that. They have no voice in the matter.

There isn't one bit of doubt in my mind that had I not left my EXAH, he eventually would have killed me.

mrphillipctrs1

I can so relate to that!

tjp613

It has a name.... it's called the Cycle of Abuse...and most likely his "sweetness" will not last. It's just another phase or method of control.

Read more here.

Erica1972

Mine was abusive too....Would pout like a three year old if something didn't go his way....Oh the tantrums...Then of couse something would be my fault....so he could yell some more....I told him the next time would be the last time and I meant it....that was two months ago....and here I am...he's having the time of his life and I'm sad....I'll get over it though....

I didn't realize how many alcoholics are mean.....Mine also did cocaine...Thought that was the root of the hostility...Now it doesn't matter what or why...It's just him....Unacceptable behavior..

theuncertainty

I'm not sure what I can say that will help. I fell for the routine so many times. I left, I believed the lies, I went back, realized they were lies and things were getting worse... I left again and have stayed gone. When I left, and for a long time after, I was in total denial about the emotional abuse; I ignored it. My reason for leaving was that I didn't want our son to grow up living in the same house as an alcoholic father and seeing that every day. Now that I'm coming to terms with 'yes, it was abuse', I'm even more at peace with my decision to leave.

I know that nothing my family said about my relationship with my STBXAH changed my mind. I had to realize that my son and I deserved more.

aboutdone

I don't know your entire situation, but based off your post, I would suggest a book I got through Al Anon called the "Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage".

I also would offer up ways of dealing with your boundary setting. I learned in rehab family group meetings, that I was enabling his behaviour by moving boundaries all the time. I would set a boundary, then give in, because things were going well, and it would start all over again. I never let him know enough was enough.

You can't send someone out to walk across a field full of land mines, if you keep moving the land mines.

I also learned to be thankful for today. If he is not drinking today, then live in the moment. Enjoy them when they aren't being the tyrants that they are while they are drinking.

Only you can decide the route you want to take. If you have a predetermined amount of time in your head that you need to see from him, and it is longer than 5 days, you can let him know that. You can let him know, how nice it is that you are getting along, but you are going to need more time to feel comfortable with his changes. He will either be accepting, and then you can believe that MAYBE this time is different, or he may not be accepting and you will know that this time isn't any different.

My AH was on a 2 week cycle. He could be good for 2 weeks at a time. He would make changes, that only lasted for 2 weeks. Guaranteed. When he came out of rehab, I told him I needed time. I wasn't sure how much time, I was still going to work on things, but I couldn't say how much time it would take me to check back in fully. He wasn't overly happy but respected that it took me almost 3 months to start believing the changes he was trying to make.

sesh

So really what if he does really change and becomes better? I guess you meant for good. Than what's the hurry to start believing it? Than you'll have all the time in the world to relax and start trusting him.
But, you feel you need to respond to it right away, and I'm sure it's since you're aware this is not a lasting thing, so you're dragging yourself back into that vicious circle.
I don't think that kind of change is an instant thing, but even if it was what power you have over it?
I believe the problem is here: You feel just maybe this time it can be real, and you're afraid if you don't show your appriciation you'll miss out on oportunity for having a changed, better H.
You know it doesn't work that way. If he's really about to change, than he'll do it regardless of the way you react to it. I know you know this, but it's hard to stop hoping: maybe this time. I was were you are for the longest time ever.
You need start thinking about yourself. Don't let your happiness depend on anyone but you. I know it's much easier said than done, but it can be done, requires a lot of hard work on yourself but it can be done, and once it is done you're done with all the BS in your life, and you start waking up in the morning with a big smile on your face, and his changing or not becomes his business exclusively. Please, try to remember he's only a part of your life, and how big of a part should depend only on how much of it he deserves, based on permanent actions, not occasional good few days.
I wish you well
Hugs

smacked

What's for the kids? Staying in an abusive relationship? Or leaving the abusive relationship..?

What's the plan to protect them?

wicked

Where is the curve ball?
the surprise move?
it happens over and over and over and over.
and you are falling for it again?
How old are the children?
How many do you have?
What is happening to them while you wait for the next pitch?

Beth

dollydo

Last I knew he was not back in the home, must assume you have let him back in.

You know what is going to happen, without a strong recovery program, history will just repeat itself.

Someday you may reach your bottom and make the right decision for your children, until then, all the advice we offer to you will just fall on deaf ears.

I wish you the best,