evmdimples

This is my journey in a nutshell, in the last 18 months since starting my codep recovery work:

1) First I had awareness that my mom's behaviors sent me into a tailspin of fight (never pretty) or flight responses, also never pretty (alcohol, food, relationships);
2) Then, after some recovery work, I had awareness of her unhealthy behaviors; I was able to step back a bit and be the observer.
3) Now, after a lot more recovery work, there's awareness of my own unhealthy behaviors and how they are a direct correlation to hers:

~Some of my behaviors are exactly like hers (behaviors I HATE in her!) This is a hard one to swallow.
~I behave exactly the opposite, a reaction to her, a defense mechanism. Leaving me with no healthy boundaries. I just ran the opposite way so as not to be like THAT!
~I react to behaviors in others when they remind me of her. This is bad, poor others! They have no clue why I can get so mad, angry, defensive!

She's the parent I've always been seeking for approval from, thus my core issues stem from her. I now realize that her issues, her unhealthy behaviors stem from her own life experiences (childhood stuff). I'm done blaming her for my stuff. Now I'm faced with my own healing work... which feels like it's an enormous mountain of stuff that I need to work on.

Has anyone else been at this stage? I feel... a bit overwhelmed. Not even sure how or where to start, or what to do.

thanks for reading.
e

DesertEyes

Hello there dimples

oh goodness, that is _exactly_ what I did too. I desperately wanted to be _different_, never realizing that I was really being _opposite_. And whadya know? Being opposite just put me at the other _extreme_, and nowhere near a balanced, healthy place.

It took me awhile to get to that place, but what a _wonderful_ feeling to be free of that burden!

goodness yes! A whole lifetime of "brainwashing" to get rid off? Been there, done that

What worked for me was to heal myself the same way I was brainwashed: one day at a time. I didn't get made into an ACoA all in one day, so I'm not going to heal it all in one day. I just worked on one, small, tiny, little bit at a time.

I was completely incapable of taking care of my own needs, the guilt was overwhelming. I had to always take care of others. So I started by doing _one_ small thing, just once. I would go buy a tiny potted plant to put in my kitchen. Just one. Just once. I would buy one magazine to read for fun. Just one. Just once.

that's it.

And when I realized that the world did not end from doing that, I would try it again.

Little by little it got easier, and easier. One day at a time.

Whadya think?

Mike

Iwanttoheal

Hi evmdimples

Don't you just love SR - somehow there's always someone who posts and you are sat at your 'puter going - hey, that's me, that's me!!!! I'm at the exact same stage you are :ghug3

I too find awareness tough going at times but I wouldn't be without recovery now because slowly and surely I am learning to develop behaviours around my family of origin that are healthy for me. I'm hoping that it gets easier with time and that practise makes perfect as they say...

My journey over the past 12 months has been almost identical to yours:

1. Alcoholic family behaviours that sent me into an emotional tailspin and finally made me hit my co-dependent bottom resulting in going no-contact with alcoholic brother; attempting no-contact with untreated co-dependent mother; failing to maintain no-contact with mother - now limited contact.

2. Awareness of mother's and brother's unhealthy behaviours that are now so blinkin' obvious that it's a wonder they aren't accompanied by flashing lights and sirens going off.

3. Awareness of own unhealthy behaviours, really uncomfortable isn't it ??!! (I too was an extreme opposites gal; whatever my parents did, I tried to do the exact opposite - my mother never worked, I used to work a 70-hour week; my childhood home was a filthy pit, my house was always spotless). I am now trying to knock the extremes out of my life. I am also trying to live my life how I want to live it and not in response to my childhood eg I now tell myself that I enjoy living a clean house because it is pleasant not because "I'll show my parents what it should have been like".

I'm also now trying to keep my own side of the street clean but as you say where do you start, what do you do, how do you do it - it is overwhelming isn't it.

For me...

I like the serenity prayer and the slogans, I'm increasingly living my life by them and to my amazement I find they really, really help me

Recently, I have been stuck and unsure what to do next. "Do the next right thing", has got me through each day.

Today has also been really big on "Courage to change the things I can" because it has exciting implications for the future.

I'm also very protective of my serenity now and I find that I am increasingly actively avoiding people and situations that I know get me angry or depressed.

Good luck with your own healing journey. Keep us posted, IWTHxxx

evmdimples

Thanks to both of you for your replies... I was feeling as though I was the only one in the universe who felt this way... Yeah, aren't I unique!

"I was completely incapable of taking care of my own needs"

It took me a few days to finally figure out how this related to me... but I finally did: I don't know how to take care of my emotional needs! It became obvious this weekend. That'll be where I'll have to focus my attention. That's where I have to remain super vigilant. I've turned to food, alcohol, etc. and when all else failed, I've ALWAYS turned running to romantic relationships. No wonder it's been easy for me to overcome the other addictions (minor for me), but when it comes to relationships... I get really bad bad reactions when I'm out of a romantic relationship. Kinda like withdrawals. Never thought of it that way... but must be similar. Guess now's finally the time to start developing that healthier relationship... with self. Come to think of it... I'm actually feeling bad right now... for what I've no doubt put people through when in relationship with me. Bleh. Some stepwork on this seems to be in my not too distant future.

"Little by little it got easier, and easier. One day at a time."

Thank you for the reminder, good confirmation of something I already know... but tend to forget when the going gets tough!

"Whadya think?"

I think I'm blessed to have people like you, who have been there... to help me on the journey!

"Don't you just love SR - somehow there's always someone who posts and you are sat at your 'puter going - hey, that's me, that's me!!!! I'm at the exact same stage you are!... I am also trying to live my life how I want to live it and not in response to my childhood..."

Thanks IWTH, that's the beauty of recovery circles for me, helps to know I'm not alone in my struggles and that others are at the same exact place!

"Doing the next right thing"
Thanks for this. When I let myself go into "overwhelm drive" I forget the most basic things, this is a good reminder...

I am grateful.


:ghug3:ghug3

evmdimples

gonna ramble through this a bit, as I process...

1) She (mom) is using me as her emotional crutch! OMG! This one just came crashing down on me!

I moved in with her 8 months ago, from another state. Since then... almost ALL HER SOCIAL ACTIVITIES HAVE STOPPED! I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this would happen... and it did.

She used to go out with friends quite often. In the time I've been here... it's happened maybe... 4 times. I've questioned her about it several times, there are excuses. I'd be willing to bet that if I wasn't here... she'd be a lot more active. Whether it's her friends (i.e. daughter now living with her, she doesn't need us), or whether it's mom's own doing, not reaching out or even declining invites... in terms of my recovery work: The behavior is there. Right in front of me. This is where I learned to depend entirely on the person in relationship with me. bleh. I've encouraged her to go out, do her thing... but something keeps her from doing it. Glaring codep... Here's an example: The other day she asked if it was ok with me if she went next door for socializing.... ???!!! I know it would make a huge difference to both of us if she'd engage in her own life with her friends. But unfortunately, she doesn't get it. Even though the couple of times she's gone out she says how much good it does her. But the codep acts like a huge anchor. Her controlling behaviors are really hard to deal with by myself, 24/7. Takes everything I have to not engage in the dysfunction.

2) She's said I can stay as long as I want with her, no matter about the money (i haven't found work), etc. This speaks of enabling although I haven't fully wrapped my brain around all the implications this brings. Thankfully focusing on doing my recovery work... so I can stay on the sidelines and do my work as best I can. It does make for a really difficult journey. But... I know this is HP's way of helping me see what I need to see so I can learn and get it right once and for all, lol! I get it. I get it. Can I go home now?

3) I moved here because I thought I'd be able to find a job (which I haven't) and I also thought mom needed me somehow. I'm very clear she doesn't, not in the way I thought she did. At this time, at her request I have taken on duties as her patient advocate. I'm ok with that. It's clear I'm not here to tell her what to do about her health. She doesn't listen to me anyways and it's caused lots of headaches and fighting between us.

But seems I did find the perfect job for me! my own recovery work.

peace,
e

4Learning

You are much further along than I am. I still feel anger towards my codependent mother, and I have taked on a lot of her traits- especially being codependent myself. I have several failed realtionshios (all with abusers/alcoholics like my father).

Sometimes I think that ignorance is bliss. Now that I understand my extreme behaviors better, I am frightened of dealing with them. I am a teacher and I love/hate the summer because I am used to working 80 hours a week. Now that I have itme to think, I become depressed and resentful and quickly give away all of my time to others just to resent it later. I feel so lost when I am alone.

You are in recovery and have let go of the anger. That in itself is awesome. Letting go of the anger is still somehting I am working on. I think one day at a time is the key. I feel really overwhelmed, too. It's like a mountain of pent up pain that I am trying to move with a teaspoon of healing a day. It takes a lot of courage to face the pain, which you are doing.