Codependent or Compassionate: Is There a Difference?
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Codependent or Compassionate: Is There a Difference?
I am still involved with my ex-boyfriend, a recovering meth addict. He used to live with me when he was in his active addiction, then went to jail/rehab, came home to me, then we broke up (his doing) and he left. We didn't talk for several months. I didn't let him come back here and we are not officially "dating". It's a difficult relationship to explain, I suppose.
We've been together for almost 3 years, and in that very short time, I have discovered myself to be a completely different person than I have ever been for one thing, and for another, I have bonded very closely, very mutually, with his family. In fact, I now work for his mother and she and I are extremely close.
I am Bipolar, have Borderline Personality Disorder, and used to be extremely dependent upon men (and my mother) to take care of me, financially, mentally and emotionally. After two marriages that almost destroyed me, I finally picked myself up off the ground, dusted myself off, and decided to grow the hell up and start taking care of myself. A scary prospect at the age of 36. I coped by becoming a wild party girl, which I had never done in my youth due to getting married and having kids so young. I was a weekend binge drinker. When I was 37, after a failed reconciliation with my abusive 2nd husband, I sought help for my extreme depression, which is when I was diagnosed with my mental issues and medicated. I did not stop weekend binge drinking and partying however, and sporadically quit and restarted my meds over the next couple years, and would cycle through depressions and suicidal tendencies, as well as extremely risky and provocative behaviors.
When I met my now xbf, it was through a casuals personals ad, and he was high the night we met. We didn't talk again for several months, and a couple months later we were dating. He told me that he had been clean for 4 months at that time, but I now suspect that wasn't true. Within 2 months of our beginning dating, he was using, and I occasionally used with him. It was fun, we were partying, blah blah blah. I was regularly taking my psych meds, though, so it didn't get me very high at all. So I would stop taking them on occasion. I used with him occasionally for about 2-3 months, only on weekends, because I had a job (he didn't). He started living with me a few months into our dating and would start being gone for a few days at a time, he started slinging dope for money, but he was using more than he was selling. I would find emails where he was flirting with other women in order to sell dope to them, supposedly. I paid off his dope dealer a couple of times. I kicked him out a few times, but always let him come back. I totally enabled him, and finally last May, got completely sick of it.
He was on probation for something unrelated to drugs, and I contacted his probation officer, with his mom's blessing, and told her that he had a drug problem and asked if his probation could be amended to include court ordered drug treatment. I suggested some programs that his mom and I had found, but his PO decided she would put him in their jail/rehab program for 4 months. Which she did, June 11, 2009. He hated it, his mom and I hated it. It was not a 12 step program; it was a behavior modification program. Since it was in jail, it did not allow for family involvement. It did not do any confrontation or "hot seat" accountability counseling. He came out just as ego-centric and unmotivated as he ever was, though he was sober, and different in other ways. I quit using with him a full month before I got tired of his using, and I quit drinking completely when he got out of rehab.
He relapsed on June 4, 2010 and again on June 11, 2010. I found out, and I narc'd him out to his mom, where he's staying now (still no job). We didn't talk for several days. We are talking. He doesn't hold grudges, never has. He understands why I did what I did. He still takes no accountability. He is still without direction. That rehab didn't get to the root of anything. His mom and I want him to go to a traditional rehab. He thinks he can do it on his own - risky thinking, IMO.
Am I codependent? Maybe so. I like to think I am loyal and compassionate. My life does not revolve around him. My life is not unmanageable. I no longer take care of him. I don't give up my life or my needs for him. I do care about him and I do love him. I don't support him anymore financially. I don't listen to his excuses or his blame. I tell him what I think of his selfishness and his risky thoughts. I don't tell him what to do, I let him live his life, although I am upset that he's taking advantage of his mother. More than that, though, I'm upset that he's not showing her compassion in the face of the recent news that she may be facing advanced breast cancer. I think he needs intensive counseling to bring to the surface whatever is buried down deep that caused him, a once adamantly drug-free, hardworking, family man into this POS bum that is the spitting image of his POS father (divorced from the family for over 25 years). I'm sad for him, but I'm more sad for his mom, that she doesn't have a better son; a son she can be proud of, that she can brag about, and one that dotes on her.
Am I codependent? Maybe so. Is it wrong to love someone when you feel like you love them for the right reasons? I'm typically a grudge holder, but I can move past the past IF we were to get back together. However, even if we aren't to get back together, I still love him enough to let him go and I still want him healthy and well. I have never been that type of person before with anyone else. The love I have for him is not a selfish love like I've always had before - what's in it for me. I truly want what's best for him. I've been in counseling, I've been going to meetings, I've learned alot. I am discovering a whole new side of myself that I've never known. Is it really wrong to be this way? Because I get really confused sometimes between codependency, loyalty, compassion, empathy and friendship.
We've been together for almost 3 years, and in that very short time, I have discovered myself to be a completely different person than I have ever been for one thing, and for another, I have bonded very closely, very mutually, with his family. In fact, I now work for his mother and she and I are extremely close.
I am Bipolar, have Borderline Personality Disorder, and used to be extremely dependent upon men (and my mother) to take care of me, financially, mentally and emotionally. After two marriages that almost destroyed me, I finally picked myself up off the ground, dusted myself off, and decided to grow the hell up and start taking care of myself. A scary prospect at the age of 36. I coped by becoming a wild party girl, which I had never done in my youth due to getting married and having kids so young. I was a weekend binge drinker. When I was 37, after a failed reconciliation with my abusive 2nd husband, I sought help for my extreme depression, which is when I was diagnosed with my mental issues and medicated. I did not stop weekend binge drinking and partying however, and sporadically quit and restarted my meds over the next couple years, and would cycle through depressions and suicidal tendencies, as well as extremely risky and provocative behaviors.
When I met my now xbf, it was through a casuals personals ad, and he was high the night we met. We didn't talk again for several months, and a couple months later we were dating. He told me that he had been clean for 4 months at that time, but I now suspect that wasn't true. Within 2 months of our beginning dating, he was using, and I occasionally used with him. It was fun, we were partying, blah blah blah. I was regularly taking my psych meds, though, so it didn't get me very high at all. So I would stop taking them on occasion. I used with him occasionally for about 2-3 months, only on weekends, because I had a job (he didn't). He started living with me a few months into our dating and would start being gone for a few days at a time, he started slinging dope for money, but he was using more than he was selling. I would find emails where he was flirting with other women in order to sell dope to them, supposedly. I paid off his dope dealer a couple of times. I kicked him out a few times, but always let him come back. I totally enabled him, and finally last May, got completely sick of it.
He was on probation for something unrelated to drugs, and I contacted his probation officer, with his mom's blessing, and told her that he had a drug problem and asked if his probation could be amended to include court ordered drug treatment. I suggested some programs that his mom and I had found, but his PO decided she would put him in their jail/rehab program for 4 months. Which she did, June 11, 2009. He hated it, his mom and I hated it. It was not a 12 step program; it was a behavior modification program. Since it was in jail, it did not allow for family involvement. It did not do any confrontation or "hot seat" accountability counseling. He came out just as ego-centric and unmotivated as he ever was, though he was sober, and different in other ways. I quit using with him a full month before I got tired of his using, and I quit drinking completely when he got out of rehab.
He relapsed on June 4, 2010 and again on June 11, 2010. I found out, and I narc'd him out to his mom, where he's staying now (still no job). We didn't talk for several days. We are talking. He doesn't hold grudges, never has. He understands why I did what I did. He still takes no accountability. He is still without direction. That rehab didn't get to the root of anything. His mom and I want him to go to a traditional rehab. He thinks he can do it on his own - risky thinking, IMO.
Am I codependent? Maybe so. I like to think I am loyal and compassionate. My life does not revolve around him. My life is not unmanageable. I no longer take care of him. I don't give up my life or my needs for him. I do care about him and I do love him. I don't support him anymore financially. I don't listen to his excuses or his blame. I tell him what I think of his selfishness and his risky thoughts. I don't tell him what to do, I let him live his life, although I am upset that he's taking advantage of his mother. More than that, though, I'm upset that he's not showing her compassion in the face of the recent news that she may be facing advanced breast cancer. I think he needs intensive counseling to bring to the surface whatever is buried down deep that caused him, a once adamantly drug-free, hardworking, family man into this POS bum that is the spitting image of his POS father (divorced from the family for over 25 years). I'm sad for him, but I'm more sad for his mom, that she doesn't have a better son; a son she can be proud of, that she can brag about, and one that dotes on her.
Am I codependent? Maybe so. Is it wrong to love someone when you feel like you love them for the right reasons? I'm typically a grudge holder, but I can move past the past IF we were to get back together. However, even if we aren't to get back together, I still love him enough to let him go and I still want him healthy and well. I have never been that type of person before with anyone else. The love I have for him is not a selfish love like I've always had before - what's in it for me. I truly want what's best for him. I've been in counseling, I've been going to meetings, I've learned alot. I am discovering a whole new side of myself that I've never known. Is it really wrong to be this way? Because I get really confused sometimes between codependency, loyalty, compassion, empathy and friendship.
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Originally Posted by infiniti 
I think he needs intensive counseling to bring to the surface whatever is buried down deep that caused him, a once adamantly drug-free, hardworking, family man into this POS bum that is the spitting image of his POS father (divorced from the family for over 25 years). I'm sad for him, but I'm more sad for his mom, that she doesn't have a better son; a son she can be proud of, that she can brag about, and one that dotes on her.
Reading that was like sitting with cyclone force winds blowing past me.
That's some deep anger.
I really don't know what else to say.
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Posts: 71
I get frustrated with my xbf, but I am not angry with him. When I made reference to him being a "POS bum", I guess that could be seen as anger toward him, but that's what the addiction has made him, that's not who he truly is when he is healthy - that's my belief anyway. I suppose I am angry with his father who passed his lineage of addiction to his children and who was never there for them in any other way, other than to abuse them and their mother when he was still around. I am angry with my xbf's addiction and how it has robbed him of his incredible potential, and how he's allowed it to do so. I even get a little frustrated with his mother, whom I love so much, for allowing him to take advantage of her right now, after her telling me that he needs to have people stop throwing a net out for him. But my frustration or even anger with situations I cannot control or change (and I am a controlling person), do not make me stop loving the people behind those situations, nor stop supporting them in their endeavors to improve the situations. I will always hold disdain for the father, however, though I don't dwell on it.
But I honestly was not in the least angry when I wrote any of that. I am frustrated that the Codependent "Assessment" consumes 9 pages, and it almost seems "you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't" where that assessment is concerned. Either you care too much about yourself, or you don't care enough about yourself. Is it ever ok for anything to be about anyone else? Because I honestly am not capable of being, nor do I want to be that self-absorbed.
But I honestly was not in the least angry when I wrote any of that. I am frustrated that the Codependent "Assessment" consumes 9 pages, and it almost seems "you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't" where that assessment is concerned. Either you care too much about yourself, or you don't care enough about yourself. Is it ever ok for anything to be about anyone else? Because I honestly am not capable of being, nor do I want to be that self-absorbed.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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a "codependent" is someone "who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. We believe that we'd be happy if the other person would just change."
when we are so wrapped up in another, when we lose ourselves in the process of "helping" or "loving" someone, that's when we're in over our heads. That's when we, too become sick.
From M. Beattie:
"One of the biggest problems I have with the codependent recovery movement is people consider themselves recovered when they don't give to anyone, they're not loving and kind. I have people come up to me so proud that they didn't help somebody who was in dire need. That's not what I'm talking about."
As I have read on this forum, enabling is when we do something for someone, that they should or could be doing for themself.
It's a great measurement for if what we're doing is loving, supportive, or harmful.
Keep sorting this out, infiniti. There is much to be revealed.
when we are so wrapped up in another, when we lose ourselves in the process of "helping" or "loving" someone, that's when we're in over our heads. That's when we, too become sick.
From M. Beattie:
"One of the biggest problems I have with the codependent recovery movement is people consider themselves recovered when they don't give to anyone, they're not loving and kind. I have people come up to me so proud that they didn't help somebody who was in dire need. That's not what I'm talking about."
As I have read on this forum, enabling is when we do something for someone, that they should or could be doing for themself.
It's a great measurement for if what we're doing is loving, supportive, or harmful.
Keep sorting this out, infiniti. There is much to be revealed.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hang in there Infiniti. I encourage to to continue with your support groups. Continue with your personal counseling. Read some good books about boundary setting and self-improvement. Continue with whatever medications you need to control your disease. Perhaps even intensify your efforts to work on your personal issues like your anger, your disappointment, your sadness your need to control others. Working on yourself will help you in your quest to discover the difference between codependence and compassion... and somewhere in there you will find a balance between your desire to control other peoples choices and your need to make better choices yourself.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
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I struggled with the word co-dependent too. I still do. I understand the idea of not letting my overall happiness and wellness hinge on someone else's actions or behaviour. I understand that my happiness doesn't come from someone else, it comes from me.
But beyond that, yeah, I have to say that co-dependent is a label that just won't stick for me. I don't like it, I don't like the way it gets applied to people who are genuinely just trying to help solve a problem. I'm not sure it's really understood by a lot of people who try to stick it on someone else. Helping, or caring, isn't co-dependence. Not in my opinion.
The word co-dependent hurt my feelings a few times when I started trying to figure out how to deal with my sister's addiction. I felt like I was being blamed. I was being accused of having an addiction too, or an illness, because I wanted my sister to get better, because I was worried, because I wanted to help.
Turns out there was a lot of reason to be worried because my sister died of her addiction. But as you can see, I haven't died of my compassion.
Co-dependent is just a word, used perhaps a little recklessly. If it doesn't stick to you don't worry about it. I appreciate the intent and the lesson that it was trying to teach me, I just won't be labelled like that.
Lisa
But beyond that, yeah, I have to say that co-dependent is a label that just won't stick for me. I don't like it, I don't like the way it gets applied to people who are genuinely just trying to help solve a problem. I'm not sure it's really understood by a lot of people who try to stick it on someone else. Helping, or caring, isn't co-dependence. Not in my opinion.
The word co-dependent hurt my feelings a few times when I started trying to figure out how to deal with my sister's addiction. I felt like I was being blamed. I was being accused of having an addiction too, or an illness, because I wanted my sister to get better, because I was worried, because I wanted to help.
Turns out there was a lot of reason to be worried because my sister died of her addiction. But as you can see, I haven't died of my compassion.
Co-dependent is just a word, used perhaps a little recklessly. If it doesn't stick to you don't worry about it. I appreciate the intent and the lesson that it was trying to teach me, I just won't be labelled like that.
Lisa
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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crack addict are words that just doesn't sit well with me... being called a crack addict hurts my feelings. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like to be labeled (who does!) And for pete's sake, I don't even use crack anymore. Haven't used it in 5 years. But all of that doesn't mean a whit when it comes to my behavior.
I may not like the label "crack addict", but that doesn't mean I'm not one.
I may not like the label "crack addict", but that doesn't mean I'm not one.
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Originally Posted by SistersHelp
Co-dependent is just a word, used perhaps a little recklessly.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Compassionate is where I started out. No drug addiction whatsoever in my family, from my upbringing...nothing. I wouldn't kill a squirrel unless it was to save him from suffering. Codependent is where I ended up at with my addict It's a fine line...
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Thanks, I mean no disrespect by expressing my thoughts about the label. I'm very cognizant of its meaning and how it is damaging to stake one's own wellness on that of another. I am not co-dependent, nor ever was when my sister was alive. I only meant that one needs to take an honest look at oneself, one's own frailties, and determine if the term applies. In my case I was able to say honestly that my response was compassion and concern but not co-dependence. Sometimes I think the label is tossed around a little too freely but it's up to us to figure out if sticks. That's all. I hope you can appreciate my point.
Lisa
Lisa
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
Labeling oneself as codependent is a hard thing to do. for me, it's not so much about the word as it is about the associated behaviors. I have a lot of them, as I have discovered, so I am now attending Codependents Anonymous meetings. It helps...it really does.
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[QUOTE=infiniti;2634147]
He was on probation for something unrelated to drugs, and I contacted his probation officer, with his mom's blessing, and told her that he had a drug problem and asked if his probation could be amended to include court ordered drug treatment.
He hated it, his mom and I hated it. It was not a 12 step program; it was a behavior modification program.
Since it was in jail, it did not allow for family involvement. It did not do any confrontation or "hot seat" accountability counseling.
He relapsed on June 4, 2010 and again on June 11, 2010. I found out, and I narc'd him out to his mom, where he's staying now (still no job).
That rehab didn't get to the root of anything. His mom and I want him to go to a traditional rehab.
Am I codependent? Maybe so. /QUOTE]
From my standpoiint, codependency is rooted in the belief that you know best and have control over someone else's behavior and choices. Codependency is all about your ego.
It is very common to rationalize our codependency ala you and his mom are united.
Rehab does not cure addiction. Rehab is not the reason why he relapsed. He's not done. You can accept this or move on.
I think you deserve the opportunity to find someone else who is capable of sustaining himself financially without drugs or alcohol.
Congratualtions on your own increasing maturity and sobriety.
He was on probation for something unrelated to drugs, and I contacted his probation officer, with his mom's blessing, and told her that he had a drug problem and asked if his probation could be amended to include court ordered drug treatment.
He hated it, his mom and I hated it. It was not a 12 step program; it was a behavior modification program.
Since it was in jail, it did not allow for family involvement. It did not do any confrontation or "hot seat" accountability counseling.
He relapsed on June 4, 2010 and again on June 11, 2010. I found out, and I narc'd him out to his mom, where he's staying now (still no job).
That rehab didn't get to the root of anything. His mom and I want him to go to a traditional rehab.
Am I codependent? Maybe so. /QUOTE]
From my standpoiint, codependency is rooted in the belief that you know best and have control over someone else's behavior and choices. Codependency is all about your ego.
It is very common to rationalize our codependency ala you and his mom are united.
Rehab does not cure addiction. Rehab is not the reason why he relapsed. He's not done. You can accept this or move on.
I think you deserve the opportunity to find someone else who is capable of sustaining himself financially without drugs or alcohol.
Congratualtions on your own increasing maturity and sobriety.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Callie
Compassionate is where I started out. No drug addiction whatsoever in my family, from my upbringing...nothing. I wouldn't kill a squirrel unless it was to save him from suffering. Codependent is where I ended up at with my addict It's a fine line...
No matter when or how they started, if codie behaviors aren't dealt with, they will eventually carry forward and permeate all interpersonal relationships, no if and or but about it. That's why cynical always asks what kind of work are you doing to change it.
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have balked in therapy when my children were young.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I’ve been working a program for over 10 years, but if I didn’t keep my behaviors in check, I would be offering to fix others within 5 minutes of meeting them.
Damn that makes me mad.
I can pretend that compassion is my motivation. That I'm just trying to "support him" and "be his friend". But I'm codependent. Deep inside I know the truth about what's truly motivating my behavior.
And now I need to change it. I need to draw some boundaries so I don't get hurt. So my son doesn't get hurt...
Dang.
God help me. I'm a co-dependent.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I lived for years with my mother always wanting to change me do for me fix for me. It can create a terrible dependency. It made her feel good about herself, it made me rely on her to fix everything.
As a recovering ADDICT yuck I hate that label too because I am so much more than that, I am a nurse a mother a wife a creative soul, a pet owner, a housekeeper, a gardener, I have to hold myself accountable. I can't take an easy pass, my integrity is based on how I treat myself and others, I can't cheat. As a recovering addict I have had to learn to accept others for who and what they are and I pray that others accept me for what I am and who I am. Meaning I don't want to change anybody so they can be more "perfect" not because I don't want them more perfect but because I don't want anybody to not accept me either for being less than perfect. Love people in the moment is my new recovering motto. Love me for who I am right this minute and I will do my best to love you (general you here) as you are. This is what I'm working on in my recovery from opiates and from being dependent. And changing family dynamics is rough in the beginning. People like the predictable sameness but it's not healthy for either of us. My mom has come to respect me more and not try to fix me as much as she did in the past. She is still a mom and some things won't ever change but I accept her as she is and she's working on accepting the less than perfect daughter. It takes time to heal.
As a recovering ADDICT yuck I hate that label too because I am so much more than that, I am a nurse a mother a wife a creative soul, a pet owner, a housekeeper, a gardener, I have to hold myself accountable. I can't take an easy pass, my integrity is based on how I treat myself and others, I can't cheat. As a recovering addict I have had to learn to accept others for who and what they are and I pray that others accept me for what I am and who I am. Meaning I don't want to change anybody so they can be more "perfect" not because I don't want them more perfect but because I don't want anybody to not accept me either for being less than perfect. Love people in the moment is my new recovering motto. Love me for who I am right this minute and I will do my best to love you (general you here) as you are. This is what I'm working on in my recovery from opiates and from being dependent. And changing family dynamics is rough in the beginning. People like the predictable sameness but it's not healthy for either of us. My mom has come to respect me more and not try to fix me as much as she did in the past. She is still a mom and some things won't ever change but I accept her as she is and she's working on accepting the less than perfect daughter. It takes time to heal.
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Where to start.. I read this and one fact jumped out at me, that is your close relationship with his mother.
Firstly, co-dependent is a word used in the mental health field (someone posted that it wasn't but it is. It isn't a diagnosis but a behavior pattern) but what you are describing to me goes further, it is enmeshment with not just his addiction but his life. That means you have so much of your own life intertwined with his and you are not even together. His mom's relationship with her addict son is going to try to utilize any and all personal connections of his to 'help' him and thus she grew close to you because she sensed in you someone who cared. Of course she is going to keep you around. It is a link to him and someone to ally herself with but what does their relationship have to do with yours and his? Not much. In fact I think it is making it harder for you to really see him for who he is and how he is treating you because she has transferred her concerns for him onto you. Your life is YOUR life and you have given it completely to this family. If it were just your issues with him, that would be hard enough to sort through, but embedding yourself in his family life isn't healthy for you. You need that distance to stay well yourself and to deal with your own feelings/relationship with him. In other words, you are going way out there for somene who has never been a spouse, you don't have a child with (I assume), and your relationship was on/off again. Things to think about, that is all. But the fact that you posted this here is a great start to start sifting through the pieces of this situation you find yourself in. Since you yourself are on meds and being followed (I assume) by a therapist of some type, I hope that you are able to talk to them about this because this is a very complicated situation and will take time to work through but again, you are seeing things now that maybe you didn't see a while go.
Firstly, co-dependent is a word used in the mental health field (someone posted that it wasn't but it is. It isn't a diagnosis but a behavior pattern) but what you are describing to me goes further, it is enmeshment with not just his addiction but his life. That means you have so much of your own life intertwined with his and you are not even together. His mom's relationship with her addict son is going to try to utilize any and all personal connections of his to 'help' him and thus she grew close to you because she sensed in you someone who cared. Of course she is going to keep you around. It is a link to him and someone to ally herself with but what does their relationship have to do with yours and his? Not much. In fact I think it is making it harder for you to really see him for who he is and how he is treating you because she has transferred her concerns for him onto you. Your life is YOUR life and you have given it completely to this family. If it were just your issues with him, that would be hard enough to sort through, but embedding yourself in his family life isn't healthy for you. You need that distance to stay well yourself and to deal with your own feelings/relationship with him. In other words, you are going way out there for somene who has never been a spouse, you don't have a child with (I assume), and your relationship was on/off again. Things to think about, that is all. But the fact that you posted this here is a great start to start sifting through the pieces of this situation you find yourself in. Since you yourself are on meds and being followed (I assume) by a therapist of some type, I hope that you are able to talk to them about this because this is a very complicated situation and will take time to work through but again, you are seeing things now that maybe you didn't see a while go.
Amolibri
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: NY
Posts: 36
no labels
Originally Posted by SistersHelp
I struggled with the word co-dependent too. I still do. I understand the idea of not letting my overall happiness and wellness hinge on someone else's actions or behaviour. I understand that my happiness doesn't come from someone else, it comes from me.
But beyond that, yeah, I have to say that co-dependent is a label that just won't stick for me. I don't like it, I don't like the way it gets applied to people who are genuinely just trying to help solve a problem. I'm not sure it's really understood by a lot of people who try to stick it on someone else. Helping, or caring, isn't co-dependence. Not in my opinion.
The word co-dependent hurt my feelings a few times when I started trying to figure out how to deal with my sister's addiction. I felt like I was being blamed. I was being accused of having an addiction too, or an illness, because I wanted my sister to get better, because I was worried, because I wanted to help.
Turns out there was a lot of reason to be worried because my sister died of her addiction. But as you can see, I haven't died of my compassion.
Co-dependent is just a word, used perhaps a little recklessly. If it doesn't stick to you don't worry about it. I appreciate the intent and the lesson that it was trying to teach me, I just won't be labelled like that.
Lisa
But beyond that, yeah, I have to say that co-dependent is a label that just won't stick for me. I don't like it, I don't like the way it gets applied to people who are genuinely just trying to help solve a problem. I'm not sure it's really understood by a lot of people who try to stick it on someone else. Helping, or caring, isn't co-dependence. Not in my opinion.
The word co-dependent hurt my feelings a few times when I started trying to figure out how to deal with my sister's addiction. I felt like I was being blamed. I was being accused of having an addiction too, or an illness, because I wanted my sister to get better, because I was worried, because I wanted to help.
Turns out there was a lot of reason to be worried because my sister died of her addiction. But as you can see, I haven't died of my compassion.
Co-dependent is just a word, used perhaps a little recklessly. If it doesn't stick to you don't worry about it. I appreciate the intent and the lesson that it was trying to teach me, I just won't be labelled like that.
Lisa
I am so sorry for your loss. I too have lost a family member to addiction. It is so terrible, but to me it proves that there was nothing we could have done..not that there was reason...this is torturing ourselves. Living with this kind of "what if" ....is pure torture and not acceptance. This is not what codependency recovery is about. I still attend CoDA meetings, and hear so much that helps me in my recovery.
I will pray for your continued recovery, with love,
Lena
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