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About to give up

Old 06-23-2010, 06:01 PM
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About to give up

Hello:

This alcoholic has been sober for around 63 days and I am absolutely miserable. While I have been miserable for all of the last two months, tonight, for the first time since I was forced to stop drinking due to alcoholic pancreatits, I almost left this God forsaken house and went to the store to buy some beer. I am involved in A.A and totally respect and appreciate every aspect of the program.

I read these posts, and am certainly grateful that I have the ability to do so, and I hear how so many people's lives have improved dramatically since they quit drinking. Mine, on the contrary, has only gotten worse. The depression I am in on a daily basis is almost unbearable. In reality, it actually is unbearable. I think about suicide daily, although I have never actually taken any sort of affirmative steps towards that end.

Just a few months ago, although drunk almost around the clock, I felt fine about myself and where my life had been and the possibilities of where it was going. I am an attorney by trade and thirty-four years old. 6 Months ago I had 50k in the bank, a beautiful (yet drug addicted girlfriend) and was generally fairly happy and confident. Now, I am completely alone, sober and contemplating suicide when I am not busy with something to do. And I am broke. At least the last time I tried this(this is my second attempt at total sobriety , I had money to do things that occupy my time.

I just don't know what else I can do to try and improve my life. I have some work, but not nearly enough to keep me busy and absolutely no social life. I am essentially a captive in my home and cant help but thinking "if this is as good as it gets, then **** it, I will go out drinking and at least enjoy myself while I am here on this earth."

Sorry for the vent. I just don't know what else to do. I am not going to drink tonight, but I can feel myself sliding everyday ever so closer to the insanity of it all.

I am truly happy and envious of all those that can post how great their life is without alcohol. Most of you ooze gratitude for it as well. I only wish I could feel the same way. For me, this sobriety stuff SUCKS! And that is the honest truth.

Thanks for reading,

Ben
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:14 PM
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Hi Benjamin

I remember feeling very despondent around 60 days too. Maybe you have some PAWs going on?

I'm not getting why you don't have a social life tho - is it money?
What about your AA group - any friends or social outlets there?

Have you seen a counsellor? sobriety is not meant to be unbearable - if not PAWS maybe you have some kind of depression going on?

When I felt stuck I decided I'd rather explore those angles than go backwards, and I'm glad I did.

I drank for years - 60 days was not that much against that.
My advice is reach out to some folks and give it some more time, Benjamin.

D
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:15 PM
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It does get better

Hi Benjamin:

I hear ya. I felt pretty sh*tty for the first four/five months. Hated life. Hated everybody and was just miserable. It really got me when others talked about the so-called pink cloud. I sure as heck never felt that.

My advice to you: Keep going to meetings. It does get better. I found that as the fifth month passed, I started feeling more hopeful about things and my life. And the more I tried to do things that took the focus off me, the better I felt. I volunteer for a local humane association and those groups can always use extra hands. And it only required my time and willingness -- no money.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. For me, I just had to go through it and pray that it would lift. It did. There are still bumpy spots, but I feel such incredible surges of joy today. You can have that, too.

Stay strong...and congrats on your sober time. Way to go!

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Old 06-23-2010, 06:17 PM
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Hi,

I wonder if you have talked to your dr about your depression. It could be that your depression may need to be treated before you can improve. I know recovery is not easy, but don't give up at this point.

My suggestion is to take a look around your community and find a way to give back. You can offer your time and volunteer in your community. Do something that will make you feel better, as well as helping others, and it won't cost you a penny. You can meet people and have fun.
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:17 PM
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I am sorry that sobriety is not seeming to be a good experience for you. I don't know what to say and have no advice to offer but want to offer hope and hugs and ask you to hang on and don't drink. Have you seen a doctor (or shrink) for your depression? Sounds like serious depression to me. I manage my depression with sertraline and it's helping me a lot. Maybe see about medication for your depression. No one should have to live with depression that bad, there are ways to alleviate it.

I also see an addiction counselor once a week and it helps in all aspects of my life, not just staying sober. Maybe seeing a counselor would give you some new insights and could help relieve your depression.

I do know that drinking makes depression worse, and, of course, gives you more to be depressed about. I hope you don't go get alcohol. Remember, there's nothing so bad that drinking can't make it worse.

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Old 06-23-2010, 06:24 PM
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Hi Ben - I'm so sorry your life is where it's at right now. I'm newly sober myself, and have had some really rough days due to finances (or lack thereof). And yeah, sometimes drinking seems like an "answer" just to lift the mood temporarily. You and I both know it won't solve anything, though.

Are you saying that all your misfortunes in the past 6 months are due to getting sober, or is some of it from drinking? It's not quite clear. One thing to consider is whether you may have depression or another underlying issue going on. I know that I have to address those things in order to stay sober.

There's no reason you have to suffer in sobriety. It's one thing to have a bad day, but if you see yourself headed back to drinking, maybe it's time to get more help/support than you have now. You're worth it, Ben. Don't give up on yourself.:ghug3
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:26 PM
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First of all, thanks for the honesty. Secondly I would strongly recommend that you seek some type of professional help for the suicidal thoughts. That's nothing to mess with and they say that 90% of people who seek help with depression find it. So please seek the help. Whether it be a hotline or a counselor, please find it. The alcohol problem is different. I don't know of anyone that went from the frying pan to a rosebed. It's gradual and takes time. You're on the path, stay on the path. There are other areas like AA which helped me. Just keep looking here and everywhere and keep reading the posts here. There are tons of great suggestions. God Bless
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:27 PM
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Thanks for the responses. As I read them, I literally began to tear up. I can't remember the last time I cried until two months ago. Now, I cry once a week on a good week. I know that drinking will only lead to horrible things and very possibly death for me. But, I can't handle this either for very much longer. I feel like that life is passing me by and I am not living it. I pray everyday for God to show me his will and for the knowledge and power to carry that out, yet nothing seems to get better, only worse. My purpose in this life can't be what I am doing now. I basically sleep half the day, do a little work from a home office and then watch t.v. Is that the life God intended for someone who has my abilities. If so, then why did he give them to me in the first place? I just can't seem to understand it. God isn't supposed to put more on me than I can handle, but I think he is.

And to all those newcomers that read this, please don't take my posts as a discouraging experience. I know soooo many people in AA and other programs that have recovered and found a new life that is a billion times better than before. The program does work for many.
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:27 PM
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Hey Benjamin

Yea, been there... early sobriety absolutely sucks for some of us. My experience is a little different than yours, I was not bodily sick... but I was "forced" to stop drinking... before I hit a significant bottom... Home, wife, kids, job... Still had 'em... Gratitude for the "opportunity" to recover was slow in coming ...

Depression was part of my experience as well. Sometimes, it still is.

Perhaps seek outside help for your depression. And... What do you mean "involved" in AA... are you going to meetings and working the steps, for real, with a sponsor? I found that a good fourth and fifth step really freed my soul of the resentment I had surrounding my circumstance, though I often need to take inventory still.

Keep posting
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:28 PM
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I can identify with quite a bit of your post. Middle aged, professional field, alone, crushing depression, no money, and the certainty of "I can't live the rest of my life like this".

I can't tell you what will fix your problems. I can only relate what fixed mine.

I made peace with myself, decided I was the cause of all my problems, and only I was to blame for my drinking. I was surprised at how good this felt.

I lost my job, so I became self-employed. While not finding work for almost a year, I scraped enough money together to start oil painting, a hobby I had always wanted to try. I reached out and made new friends. I'm creating a framework of a new life.

I didn't read anything that you have added to your life since you stopped drinking. Why are you a captive in your home? There are many things to do that require very little, if any, money. You will encounter other people as you try new things.

What you wrote seems to be an ode to your former life. Please leave that one behind. Fill your current life with fresh experiences.
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by artsoul View Post
Hi Ben - I'm so sorry your life is where it's at right now. I'm newly sober myself, and have had some really rough days due to finances (or lack thereof). And yeah, sometimes drinking seems like an "answer" just to lift the mood temporarily. You and I both know it won't solve anything, though.

Are you saying that all your misfortunes in the past 6 months are due to getting sober, or is some of it from drinking? It's not quite clear. One thing to consider is whether you may have depression or another underlying issue going on. I know that I have to address those things in order to stay sober.

There's no reason you have to suffer in sobriety. It's one thing to have a bad day, but if you see yourself headed back to drinking, maybe it's time to get more help/support than you have now. You're worth it, Ben. Don't give up on yourself.:ghug3
The lack of finances was probably caused by drinking/drugging. I haven't worked consistently in a little over a year. I had plenty of money before because I settled a fairly big case at the beginning of last year and basically lived like a heathen for a year. I am sure you know the drill. Tons of alcohol, drugs, bars, women, etc..... While I won't lie and say that it wasn't fun, I really don't want that lifestyle anymore. I would just like to be a productive member of society again. Develop new relationships; experience new things

As far as getting involved in community work and service, Its somewhat difficult to do as I now live in a very small community, don't know anyone other than the small number of folks in my aa group, and there simply aren't that many community type things to get involved in. I feel like every time I try to do something positive its

Thanks for sharing.

Ben
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:39 PM
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Sobriety isn't a straight line. But no matter what bumps and curves you hit along the way, try to move in the right direction. You know what to do. You have already done it.

Someone told me this at a meeting and it stuck: 'the pain is real but the suffering is optional.' Take it or leave it.

Also consider how hard you are really working AA. Perhaps you are. But maybe you could go to more meetings? Find a new sponsor? Keep yourself occupied with meetings and stepwork.

You have gone through so much already, it would be a shame to quit now if there is more that you can do. Through your desperation and lonelieness I hear an intelligent person with a good heart who unambiguously wants to be sober. Hang on to it like a cliff face.
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by KingsCross View Post
I can identify with quite a bit of your post. Middle aged, professional field, alone, crushing depression, no money, and the certainty of "I can't live the rest of my life like this".

I can't tell you what will fix your problems. I can only relate what fixed mine.

I made peace with myself, decided I was the cause of all my problems, and only I was to blame for my drinking. I was surprised at how good this felt.

I lost my job, so I became self-employed. While not finding work for almost a year, I scraped enough money together to start oil painting, a hobby I had always wanted to try. I reached out and made new friends. I'm creating a framework of a new life.

I didn't read anything that you have added to your life since you stopped drinking. Why are you a captive in your home? There are many things to do that require very little, if any, money. You will encounter other people as you try new things.

What you wrote seems to be an ode to your former life. Please leave that one behind. Fill your current life with fresh experiences.
Its nice to hear that someone knows where I am coming from. It sounds like you and me may have a good bit in common. I lost my job as well, but it wasn't completely based on my drinking. My drinking didn't get really, really bad until after the job loss.

And I agree with you on the "ode to my former life." I can't seem to forget about how good I used to have it and consistantly compare and contrast that to what I am doing now. Its killing me, literally. I commend you on your ability to find new things in your life that have given you hope. Maybe the same will happen to me.

I really didn't think that posting here tonight would help but it does. I really does help to know that others have gone or are going through a similar situation as I am. Thanks again,

Ben
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Mark75 View Post
Hey Benjamin

Yea, been there... early sobriety absolutely sucks for some of us. My experience is a little different than yours, I was not bodily sick... but I was "forced" to stop drinking... before I hit a significant bottom... Home, wife, kids, job... Still had 'em... Gratitude for the "opportunity" to recover was slow in coming ...

Depression was part of my experience as well. Sometimes, it still is.

Perhaps seek outside help for your depression. And... What do you mean "involved" in AA... are you going to meetings and working the steps, for real, with a sponsor? I found that a good fourth and fifth step really freed my soul of the resentment I had surrounding my circumstance, though I often need to take inventory still.

Keep posting
I go to meeting 3 or 4 times a week and have done so every week since the hospitalization. That is, until last week. I missed going to meetings last week, but I did go back last night. I have worked steps 1-8 and made amends to one person on step 9. I don't feel like I am ready to go any further. As to making amends, I don't really know who I hurt that I haven't already apologized to. I do have some financial amends that I would like to make, but obviously I can't do that right now. I am going to continue to go to meetings as long as I don't drink, which I don't think I am because of the health issues. I am not quite ready for the embarassment, humiliation and anger that would cause my family.
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:58 PM
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Ben,

I really don't think you are a captive in your house. Laying around half the day watching TV is slothful. Please go outside. Walk, run, ride a bike, hike, fly a kite, volunteer, paint a house, teach computers at the library, man... anything! Especially in a small town where a gesture can seem much bigger. You have a lot to offer, please don't keep it to yourself.

And don't feel alone. As you can see, others have walked your path before. We're here to help.
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Old 06-23-2010, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by KingsCross View Post
Ben,

I really don't think you are a captive in your house. Laying around half the day watching TV is slothful. Please go outside. Walk, run, ride a bike, hike, fly a kite, volunteer, paint a house, teach computers at the library, man... anything! Especially in a small town where a gesture can seem much bigger. You have a lot to offer, please don't keep it to yourself.

And don't feel alone. As you can see, others have walked your path before. We're here to help.
I hear you. I agree it is slothful and its freaking miserable. I have so many excuses that I could put in this______________space. But, I hate it when I am talking to other addicts and they make excuses as to why they can't take good advice like you just gave me.

I am going to try and fill my time. I feel guilty and embarassed to be doing anything other than working or looking for work. Maybe I need to let that silly notion go.
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Old 06-23-2010, 07:10 PM
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Exercise, sunshine, and fresh air do wonders for the soul and really do relieve depression. I know that my daily dog walk is good for all of us. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 06-23-2010, 07:15 PM
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There's been a lot of good advice given so far. I've got experience with depression and have found that one thing that really helps me is exercise. Find something physical you enjoy doing (for me it was tennis).

At my AA meeting tonight someone described alcoholism as a disease of isolation. That hit home for me. Get out of your house. Since you are single and have a profession that is portable, can you move to a larger city?
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Old 06-23-2010, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Zebra1275 View Post
There's been a lot of good advice given so far. I've got experience with depression and have found that one thing that really helps me is exercise. Find something physical you enjoy doing (for me it was tennis).

At my AA meeting tonight someone described alcoholism as a disease of isolation. That hit home for me. Get out of your house. Since you are single and have a profession that is portable, can you move to a larger city?
Theoretically, I could. It would be difficult, but possible. I have been looking for job opportunities, but it there is simply not that much out there. The legal profession is funny in that way. They don't hire in the traditional sense, generally. I may have blacklisted myself as well. What is pissing me off, though is the fact that I am not necessarily confined to practice law. I also have an undergraduate degree in business and a lot of experience in business matters. But I can't seem to find any decent opportunities. There are decent sized cities within an hour and I would love to move to any of them provided I could obtain gainful employment there. I really do have a lot to offer. This would be the first time in my life that I could devote all of my energies to my work, rather than have to compromise between my work and drinking. Its a shame really.

I would love to see what I could do sober. I have always been successful in the practice of law when my alcoholism wasn't so bad that I had difficulty making it to work. That is what is so daMMN frustrating to me. Here I am sober, extremely willing and able to do good work that would be beneficial to all involved and I am stuck in the country feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for showing interest in my situation.

Another thing that worries me a little is that I have heard that many people who think that one if one single aspect of their life would improve, then all the others would follow suit. Right now, that one thing for me is work and money for me. I feel like if I could go back to work and begin making money again that everything would be ok.

And its not just about money. Its really more about feeling useful and productive. Even though I have worked very little, I have probably billed more money in the last two months than the average person makes in this geographical location. But average is not enough for me. And I haven't been paid yet, so I am still broke until that comes through.
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Old 06-23-2010, 07:37 PM
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My experience with inventory surrounding the resentment I felt surrounding the circumstances that brought me into recovery took many tries and nearly a year. Have you had a good experience with that?
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