Kind_Not_Weak

I don’t know where this is going to end up, all I know is that I have to get it out. I feel like I’m being eaten up from the inside out and I’m in a scary place. I’ve been down for a couple of days with a pinched nerve in my back, so I’m sleep deprived and in pain and taking Vicodin. Red flag, red flag, red flag.

I’ve not posted in a while. I didn’t even come in and read for a while. I was just taking a break from it all. And I was in a fairly decent place. I decided to enjoy it for a while, while it lasted. Yeah, so here I am… crawling back. Looking for a safe place to get it all out. I’m crying right now and that’s not me.

My 19 year old son is in the wind officially. His cell phone isn’t working, but I think he’s moved back closer to his father. I don’t know if they are in touch. I am certain he’s still drinking and using and I just wait for the call. He was on such a roller coaster the last I heard from him, I know he’s still on it. I’ve considered picking up the phone to call his father, but I don’t. I don’t know why. Maybe I just don’t really want to know. My oldest son turned 21 on June 1 and I know they saw each other then. But that’s the last I heard. I want to ask my oldest about his brother, but don’t want to put him in the middle. I feel so disconnected from my own child. Is this detachment? Is this what it feels like? I feel so empty. If he’s still in the city I think he’s in, let’s just say that he’s right back in Heroin Heaven with all his user buddies. It makes me sick to admit this, but I don’t want to seriously reach out because I don’t want to know. I’ve never felt like this before. I’m always the one to dig and explore and uncover and ask questions. I feel like a coward. I try to be gentle with myself and say that maybe I became saturated with his drama and everyone has a breaking point. But there is still guilt. And right now, it’s overwhelming.

And then there is the alcoholic sort-of boyfriend. We’re still in contact, but have moved it into the “friend zone”. But it’s not. That’s a lie. I haven’t given up hope on that front. He’s still sober, his one year is August 3. We live on opposite coasts and the plan had been that we would spend this first year growing the friendship and if that went well, then we would take the second year to date and then see how that went. If all went well, then a move would take place. Well, we pulled the plug on the dating thing, it was just too much. But we stayed in contact and still toyed around with “I love you” and crazy sexual tension. Recently, I’ve realized how much I haven’t given up the ghost of the relationship and how much he has. We talked on Skype (web cam) last night, and maybe it was the drugs, but I said way too much. I told him how sad I was, about how I had seen things going, how I thought things were going to go… and he didn’t disagree with me. He just listened and looked at me and said “The fat lady hasn’t sung on that yet.” Meaning, who knows what might happen? All of the sudden, I wanted to scream!!! I wanted him to do the kind thing and cut me loose and just say “NO. This is NOT going to happen.” I wanted him to do that which I could not do.

Why am I so in a twist over this man? I don’t trust him. Deal breaker. But I want him. I’m addicted to him. It’s so sick. I am smarter than this. I am such a friggin’ alpha in the rest of my life… except with him. I wish there were magic words. I go no contact, but then I break it. Yes, IT’S ME. I’m like a whipped puppy.

I was going to Al Anon, but stopped that, too. Here’s the kicker… I’ve been lying about going. I’m so sick. I know it. I know what to do, I know how to fix it. But this depression has rendered me incapable of doing anything. I just lie, and I’m really good at it. Everyone believes that I’m just great can’t wait until we go to lunch again.

Depression sucks.

Jess01

yes, depression sucks.
I been depressed alot lately, really bad today.
The pain is unbearable.

big hugs to you

keepinon

First off..not digging into the 10 yr. old drug use.. that's good! Dos and Don'ts say "don't check up on the addict" so you have made progress from your detective days! I am mom of an 18 yr. old addicted daughter (heroin and god knows what else) so I totally get it.
Go back to Alanon.. but you knew that already . I'm not good w/ the boyfriend thing..been married for 21 years so no advice there, but Alanon helps me w/ALL my relatonships.
BTW, when I have to take vicodin, it can make me deppressed.. also the pain and laying around contributes.. maybe even just sitting outside a little, getting some vitamin D can help.. this is temporary, I bet you"ll feel better when you are off the meds.

bookwyrm

I'm cinically depressed and meds and counselling have really helped me. Have you tried them?

What is it you're getting from your not quite boyfriend? Is it safe to want someone so physically and emotionally distant? What are you getting out of it? There must be something keeping you hooked. If you could work out what this need is, then you might be able to find another way of getting it met. Easier said than done I know...

transformyself

Whenever I realized I'm in the same boat you're in, I knock the depression out of me with intense exercise. That helps right away. Just run, swim, walk, yoga, kick-box, whatever it is you can do until you drop. That will get those endorphins flowing.

Then you can look at all these issues with a new perspective. All we are ever dealing with is our thoughts, and those can be changed.

Good luck