Alegra

*sigh* my AH will spend a night (or two) drinking a liter and a half of wine with a chaser of vodka (sometimes on the chaser). Then he's good for a day or two and then back at it. Last night he was at it. Sometimes these binges carry over to the next day - like today. Only I didn't know it carried over. I was at work when I got an email from him that said he wishes we could talk about a few things. I took a break and called him. He was upset about my NPD dad who has been true to form over the course of our marriage. Taking most of his frustrations out on my H. It has been one of the reasons AH has sited for drinking in the first place. I walked right into the conversation not realzing he was buzzed and on his way to a binge.

I went home at lunch - argued.

I went to work. Felt bad.

Went home after work - AH is at least 1.5 liters deep.

I'm at the library.

How does one get off the treadmill??? How? I can't take it anymore. I try hard to not engage him.

I just want a healthy living enviornment.

I wish I had a crystal ball - will he get help? Won't he?

He admits he has a problem. He is convinced he can handle it on his own.

Great job, H. You're home three sheets to the wind, and I'm at the library. Has your life become unmanageable? I feel like mine has.

thanks for reading...
alegra

RollTide

Alegra, I'm not the best one to give advice but I want you to know that I understand where you are. I went through a divorce a few months ago due to the insanity of living with an alcoholic.

I've done tons of reading about the disease of alcoholism and that has helped me. This website was the first thing that I found and it has been a lifesaver. I also go to AlAnon and highly recommend it.

Freedom1990

In order to have a healthy living environment, I had to first define for myself just what a healthy living environment is.

Then I took actions to work towards that environment.

Some decisions involved in those actions were pretty painful, and some were actually a relief.

I left my abusive, psychotic AH back in 1986 for my own safety/sanity.

Several years ago I took in my AD after she served a lengthy jail sentence on felony drug charges, and in a month's time she turned my household/life upside down.

She is still not welcome in my home. I no longer take a front row seat to anyone's alcoholism, not even those I gave birth to.

Last year my 21 year old daughter was shown the front door while I was on the verge of losing any sanity I had left.

I no longer take a front row seat to anyone's screaming untreated codependency, not even those I gave birth to.

My home is just that, my home. It's more than a house. It's my refuge, my safe place to just kick back and enjoy.

I'm completely enjoying completing 2 college degrees, albeit I'm slightly insane at times from the class load.

I've got dogs and cats that never fail to make me laugh or smile several times a day.

My EXAH had his own path to walk, and I let go and gave him the dignity to make his own choices, poor though they were.

My two daughters each have their own path to walk, and I have let go of them too, and am giving them the dignity to make their own choices.

We always have choices. My sponsor often reminds me of that. They might all suck, and we just have to pick the best one for us.

Personally I'm tickled pink to be living in absentia of any other human beings in my home.

My life is pretty simple these days compared to what it used to be.

Alegra

Anvilhead - you name made me smile - I think I can relate! Thanks for helping.

I hear you about the hard-ass consequences. I'm not much of a hard ass - when it comes to consequences. I can talk a good game, but it's really all talk.

I want very badly to stick around - I'm just so weary. This has been his pattern of behavior for about a year. We've had some marital issues - mostly due to my family - which actually landed H in counseling (he felt they were all nuts, but were pointing the finger at him - he wanted to be sure he was the sane one - and low and behold he is!). Anyway, as a means to deal with the pain (he is a highly sensitive person) he has been drinking his way through it.

We have had the "come to jesus" talk. In which I told him - quite calmly I might add - that I was concerned for him and for his level of drinking and thought he could use some help in the way of AA or returning to counseling. At the time - maybe 3 weeks ago - he said that he could do this on his own. I didn't argue with him, I just said I was glad to hear that and asked if there was anything I could do to help. He said no. And we left it at that - it was about a 30 minute to hour talk, so much more was said, but that was the gist.

It's just been a year of this pattern and I'm beginning to get afraid to make plans for the summer - friends of ours want to visit for a few days - A FEW DAYS! - and he's going to be like this? My 10 year old neice wants to stay with us for a week - A WEEK! - and this is the condition he is in????

I just want a nice, calm, peaceful, safe-feeling, home to come to in the evenings. This is just too much.

Not to mention, I'm a school teacher and have the summer off. I will not have anywhere to escape to. He is currently unemployed and of course drinking his way through that pain as well.

Today he said that he wants to make an appointment with his counselor for next week. Last week he said he was going to make the appointment for this week. I'm sure next week it will be for the week after. I'm tired.

Rolltide - thank you! I'm considering alanon. I'm hesistant though. It's one thing to read about alcoholism. Another to post about it. Another to talk with my AH about it. It's another to show up face to face - maybe it would be too real. Maybe I'm just not desperate enough. None of these are good reasons. I'm just trying to get myself comfortable with the whole idea of it. Thank you for your encouragement.

Alegra

Wow, Freedom! You are totally posting from a position of strength! Oh to be as strong!

I cannot imagine what it has taken for you to reach where you are. Thank you so much for sharing this.

You're right. I should make a list of what it takes to make my house a home and work toward that. I need to put blinders on to his walk and walk my own. I'm a bit of codie, dontchaknow???

thank you!

Freedom1990

It's taken years, hon, and a lot of tears, screaming, ranting, begging, bartering, pleading, and pain.

You can start taking charge of your life in small increments.

Please do check into Alanon meetings in your area and start getting support from others who have been in your shoes. Alanon has completely kept me from losing my mind.

If you haven't read it yet, get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I have it here at home to reference all these years later, and also have her "Beyond Codependency" book. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is one you might keep in mind for later.

Take time out for self-care. When the weather's not hot, I love to run a bubble bath, light some candles, and just soak and relax.

I get my nails done professionally every 2 weeks. That is my extra special 'me' time.

Last, but not least, please keep posting! :ghug3

FarawayFromCars

Ahhh excuses, excuses, excuses!

My alcoholic sister says she drinks because:

--she had an unstable childhood
--no one loves her
--she's going through a lot of tough stuff in life
--we hate her! Apparently my husband and I, and my brother and his wife hate her (because we are refusing to enable her anymore), and we are the reason why she must continually down liters of vodka
--And all her friends hate her, too! (because they no longer enable)
--etc. etc. etc.



What do the above have in common? All are excuses to continue her love affair with the bottle. These are her perceptions--the way she chooses to see life around her--so she can justify to herself to continue drinking.

It's a sad thought, but it's true...and I've accepted this won't change until she is ready to change for herself. That is where change will come from--themselves.

I've found al anon, this forum, therapy, and learning to put myself first have helped me to get off the Crazy Train and get on with living, regardless of what she chooses to do with her life.

Sending you good thoughts and hugs.

Alegra

Thank you, guys!
I'm beginning to feel a bit better.
I came home from the library. Had a convo or two with the H.
He's up one minute, down the next.
Following me around the house.
Asking me to pay more attention to him.
I've hugged him, affirmed what he's feeling, etc etc.

You know when you wish the A would just pass out already??? Yeah. I just wish he'd call it a night.

thank you all! Your words are invaluable!

coffeedrinker

This is one of those "simple yet complex" ones, isn't it?

There are alot of answers to the "how" question; just read about 40% of the posts here to other desperate people. Planning, determination, and steps - often baby steps. I think first and foremost, you need to be commited to the notion of getting off the treadmill. Otherwise, you just enter a different excercise in aggravation.

Please take that scary and bold step into an Alanon meeting. I think you might be surprised at how you feel when you have.
Then let us know how it went! Ya know....S/R never closes.

And what the heck is an "NPD dad"?

Alegra

yes, yes, yes - alanon - i hear it. still pondering...er..."manning" up, if you will. It is scary. Why is it scary? I am scared.

NPD - Narcissitic Personality Disorder - that was a treat to grow up with that. Completely screwed me up in terms of relating to others - let alone men. It's like I was programmed all wrong. I honestly feel as though my growth was stunted. My parents fed, me, clothed me, took me to church, appeared interested in my activities - but when I truly reflect on it - all of that was my mom. My Dad didn't do any of it.

Anyway, a diagnosis doesn't change what I already know - he is truly inadequate and my mother stood on her head to please him - and still does - and expected me and my brothers to do the same - and still does. It's sick.

I'm trying to get off several treadmills.

Thanks for your post, coffeedrinker! Hey, I'm one of those, too!