steve1840

a couple yers ago i was involved in a relationship with a girl i used to be involved with, but who i had to let go because of her drug issues. i am somewhat close to her family and talk to her every few months. over the past couple months, things have gotten pretty bad. she went back to using hard stuff daily. she took to the streets of a bad town and was picked up after a few nights due to our connections with police in that town and charged with possesion, intent to distribute, and solicitation. she was released though after just one day and has disapeared for for over a week.

i am at a loss as what to do. look for her? let her be? she's 30 and is chosing this. she also acknowledges her problems but i guess would rather get high than help.

suki44883

My advice: Stay out of it. It's her life and she has the right to make her own choices. You cannot help her at this point. She has to make the decision.

BBD

Hi Steve. I agree with the above posters. Theres not much you can do if you do find her. Sounds like she's not ready for any sort of help[. Let it go and if she happens to appear on the other side~~~you probably will contact you.

Freedom1990

Hi Steve! I see you joined SR early last year, and this is your first post.

Have you done any reading at all on SR since you joined last year?

treadingwater

It's hard to let go! My husband and I are dealing with our drug addicted youngest son. He's (21) and doesn't have a problem letting us know it and what his rights are.
He doesn't want help and will tell us straight out....it's his life yadda, yadda, yadda.
I feel like he's dangling off the edge of a cliff and refuses to hold on.
It is truly heart breaking. I just keep praying for him and telling him how much I/we love him.
He is so emotionally disconnected he can't even relate to how it is affecting us. He says it's his life. He's got to be mentally CRAZY choosing this life, this is pure agony.
I/we don't want to give up....but at this point we are totally powerless!

Just keep praying for her and be there for her family. Hopefully she will come around and thank you one day.

dollydo

Hands off the addict! She is an adult, she has made her choice, hopefully she will finally reach her bottom, until she does and wants recovery more than anything else in life there is nothing anyone can do.

You just don't have that power.

Read the stickeys, read others posts, it will help.

SisOfAnAddict

Well, play it out. What if you look for her? What happens when you find her? What is your goal? The only thing that will come out of it is wasted time and a lot of frustration.

Not to mention you put yourself and your loved ones at risk. You don't know the people she's running with and you don't know what they'd do if they got irritated enough.

coffeedrinker

Welcome, Steve,

If you are struggling with what to do/how to respond to this friend/former friend, you've come to the right place! We will support you.

I wanna piggyback on what Sis said just above here. I found that when I heard/read that letting them go is actually the most helpful thing you can do, it really released me from the trap of feeling like I wanted to swoop in and save my addict. When I understood that he responds to me when I am caretaking and nurturing, and that is dysfunctional, it helped like nothing else.

Because I always wanna be the strong one, the savior, the "go to" person, it was really hard to just hear "you can't help. doesn't work" and such. Hearing that what I was doing wasn't helping, was what freed me.

Please allow her to make her own choices, and have her consequences for them. It's really the most loving thing to do.

wantingtobe

Even if you find her you will probably not be able to get her to do what you want for her. It is a thankless task to try and chase someone down and force them into recovery.

infiniti

Steve, this is a very difficult spot to be in, and I completely understand your frustration and your confusion. It's so hard and painful to care deeply about someone who is throwing their life away on drug addiction.

And even when you come to realize, as I have, that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it, it still makes you feel so powerless and sad sometimes. You don't want to see someone you love go down this path of self-destruction.

But the hard, cold reality that we have to face is that we can't do anything for them until they are ready to do something for themselves. And until that day comes, all you can do is let them go and let them do to themselves what they will.

For me, it's a sad and lonely reality that I wish I didn't have to face.

HealingWillCome

Love from a distance. Live life (yours). Pray for her and let HP do the work.

ydc1481

Sorry, I don't think you can help & you will only be miserable. My husband is in that state right now, doesn't want help and continues to manipulate. Knowing that he can't survive on his own, I have let it continue & don't know how/have the gonads to get out of it & say enough is enough. I only keep getting angrier. You can't herd cats & you can't make anyone else do right. I just got finished bailing him out of the last mess and there is no appreciation or change in him. Continue bailing him out & he just continues his behaviour. Don't bail him out & watch him go further down the drain to a point he can't recover and there you go with him.