doneforsure

Hi all. I haven't been around in a while, mostly because I removed the problem from my life that first brought me here almost 3 years ago when I split up with my exagf. I learned alot from that experience and especially from the people here at this site. Recently I was involved with a woman who it turns out had a major issue with addiction. What I learned from the past and from everyone here was that if there is no deep emotional attachment, it's better to walk away, which I did for a while, at least up until a few weeks ago, when after she had spent a month in rehab, I got a call from her and because she seemed so positive about her recovery, I talked to her, went out with her several times. Her eagerness for recovery, going to meetings, etc, quickly gave way back to her addiction, and for several weeks up until this past Friday, my position with her is that I'd only talk to her when she is sober and straight, and never would I get involved in the situations she put herself in. This past Friday morning I received several calls from her where I could hear she was definitely not sober, but she claimed that she had burned herself on her face lighthing a cigarette. After speaking to her for several minutes, I realized it could be very serious, so I contacted her daughter in law to let her know that someone should check on her. I could have gone over there, she lives 10 minutes away, had I known it was serious, I would have called 911 myself, but before someone actually got there, almost 2 hours had gone by. What happened to her is she had 3rd degree burns to her face, head, throat and mouth, serious lung damage, a loss of vision, and she had to be medivaced to a hospital in Northern Jersey that specializes in burns. I have been sick to my stomach all weekend over this. After I spoke to a family member later that evening, I found out that had not someone gotten there when they did, she would most likely have died because her throat had swollen up so much that the paramedics needed to use a camera to intubate her. I know I did the right thing in contacting her family, but the part that really is filling me with guilt is that I didn't go there myself and get her the attention she needed quicker. I just never knew what was true and what was a lie to get me over there so many times before, because many times she called with lies and manipulation to try get me there. I tell myself that there was nothing I could have done to prevent her from hurting herself, and I truly believe she purposely did, but OMG, she cried for help this time and I didn't get involved and she really was in serious need. As it is now, she is in critical condition on a respirator, and at this point it's not sure whether she will even survive, and if she does, whether she will be able to see again, never mind the fact that she will require plastic surgery and is disfigured for life. These diseases are such wicked ones and it's so painful to watch someone, even with detachment, destroy themselves. A part of me is relieved that I didn't go. The family member I spoke to described such horrible details of how she was found and what 3rd degree burns do to the body. All weekend I haven't been able to get the imagined images out of my head of how it was described to me. It's such a terrible terrible thing, addiction. Part of me wonders whether there was something I could have done, but another side says that if I had been there before this happened, it could have been myself getting hurt by something she did, that I did the right thing these past weeks in setting my boundaries in not getting involved directly in the situations she was creating, that I insisted any conversation be only when she is straight. So many times I ended conversations when I would get a call while she was high or drunk. In the last month alone, the police were called by family members to take her into protective custody and the hospital to detox 4 times. It's just so so sad, so painful and sickening to watch someone destroy themselves and bring so much pain for the people who care about them.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry for the pain that has brought you here, but I am glad you posted.

You said:
She went through rehab. She was given tools to aid her in recovery out in the world.

She made the choice to go back to active addiction.

You are in no way, shape, or form, responsible for her choice to go back to active addiction, or for the tragic consequences of her addiction.

I would strongly suggest that you start addressing the issue of why you have now become involved with two addicts.

After I left my abusive EXAH, I continued to make the same mistake over and over, only with different men.

There were reasons I kept picking men like that, and in order to live a healthy life for me, I had to find out why.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a good starter book, if you haven't read it.

I've found that counseling/therapy over the years has helped me tremendously.

Again, I am sorry for your pain. Welcome back. :ghug3

Ann

I will keep her in my prayers, and agree that this is not your fault at all.

Even when we "react" to every single call for help, false or true, we cannot save them when they are not willing to save themselves, but we can drive ourselves crazy with guilt and anxiety waiting for "next time".

Someone fresh out of rehab may really want to stay clean, but the odds are not great with such a short clean time. The real work begins after rehab and takes a long time before they are even stable in their recovery. This is one of the reasons that counselors and programs recommend no new relationships for the first year. Their life may depend on how strongly they focus on their recovery, without distractions from any other issues or relationships.

Some addicts get clean and stay clean, some take many tries before they make it, others never make it and may die. We have lost 3 loved ones here within the past week or so, and it just breaks my heart what addiction can do to those we love.

But we must remember that we didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it (the 3 C's) because unless we remember that we are doomed to lose our own lives and sanity trying to fix that which is not ours to fix.

Meetings may help you learn why you are attracted to addicts and why the behaviour continues. I know they have helped many of us here, they literally saved my life. Maybe give them a try and see if they don't help you too.

Hugs

hello-kitty

What an unfortunate situation - in no way your fault or responsibility. The way people's minds work when they are high never ceases to amaze and confuse me - She could have called 9-1-1 herself but instead she called you. Nuts.

coffeedrinker

If you need to hear other voices telling you this was not your fault, and that you couldn't really have prevented it, then count me in.

How many fires can we stand at the ready to put out?

One day, we will leave our post, or fall asleep, or - heaven forbid - go out and start finding a real life, and this type of tragedy may happen. You are not to be blamed for not being vigilent, with someone who is not really even in your life.

doneforsure

Thank you all, thank you Freedom. Yes, you're right...I'm aware of a lot of the reasons why I was attracted because I have been in counseling for co depency. I should have just kept going when I got the call from her after rehab because my instincts were right to walk away before when I realized there was a serious problem. I did handle it differently with her than I did 3 years ago with someone who I had been involved with for 5 years, but I guess I'll be in the place I need to be when I don't handle it at all and just walk away at the first sign of a serious problem and just stay away.

Ann

It helps me to remember that they know where real help is...whether it is 911, a meeting of AA or NA, a call to a sponsor, detox or rehab (rehabs will talk to alumni anytime).

"We" are not their solution, we are not their keepers or their life line, "we" are just us, doing the best we can to detach from addiction to keep ourselves healthy.

I'm glad you are getting help. I know it took a lot of help to get me on a better path and keep me there. And I didn't get better by depending on my addict to get clean (it's a good thing, because he didn't) but because I reached out to the people who could help me in a healthy way...for me and for them.

We learn with each experience, and when we know better we do better. Your growth from this experience already shows, so no beating yourself up with the guilt stick, okay?

More Hugs

Freedom1990

Give yourself a pat on the back for addressing the codependency issues! I spent 13 long miserable years in untreated codependency after I left my EXAH.

It sounds like you have made great strides in your recovery. Keep up the good work, and I hope you continue to post here. You don't have to be involved with an addict to post here, you know.

SelfDestruct

How did she burn herself, and was she really even high?? Well anyway, you can't turn back the clock, what's done is done. Could you have prevented it, probably not, could you have been there when she needed you, maybe so, but you can sit there blaming yourself for what already occurred. All you can do now is be there to support her, as it looks like she will be needing plenty of support and in the future if you ever get that suspicious call, maybe you will react differently and maybe you won't only you have the answer to that.

dollydo

I agree with Ann, she called your number so she could have easily called 911.

You did the best you could do, and, due to your decision, a family member got there in time to get her help.

Don't be hard on yourself, don't second guess your decision, you did just fine.

My best,

Dolly

Ann

SelfDestruct, I don't think you are familiar with how our program works for this side of addiction.

Nothing we do or don't do, nothing we say or don't say, will make a lick of difference to anyone's recovery. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

We are NOT the answer to an addict's problem. The poster acted the way we should act, because we cannot babysit anyone waiting for the next crisis. Doing that makes US sick and that's why most of us are here.

Just wanted to clarify that because what may appear uncaring from an addict's point of view, is often the most loving thing we can do...let them find their own way, let them pay the consequences for their actions, and let them know that if they want help, there are many resources available for them...and none of those are "us".

NoelleR

"...I'm aware of a lot of the reasons why I was attracted because I have been in counseling for co depency. I should have just kept going when I got the call from her after rehab because my instincts were right to walk away before when I realized there was a serious problem. I did handle it differently with her than I did 3 years ago with someone who I had been involved with for 5 years, but I guess I'll be in the place I need to be when I don't handle it at all and just walk away at the first sign of a serious problem and just stay away..."

It's good that you're getting counselling for codependency; yes, that's a very good thing; too many folks think that if they just get rid of their 'A' then they'll be OK. Keep up the counselling and learning and growing, and not only will you be able to 'walk away at the first sign of a serious problem' but you may even get to the point of not walking to these types of folks at all. I'm a firm believer that there's some internal 'picker' that for some of us is broke, and needs fixing......I hope yours doesn't take as long as mine did to get fixed.


(o:
NoelleR

SisOfAnAddict

I am encouraged by this "had I known it was serious, I would have called 911 myself". Even with hindsight you don't wish you ran right over. Instead you wish you called an ambulance yourself. Maybe it's a small thing but it stood out to me and I wanted to point it out.

You did the absolute right thing with the facts laid before you at that time. I want to say she was lucky that you even picked up the phone but to me that sounds like I'm saying you were her only option for getting help. Like others have said 911 was a much better option that she chose not to take.