Wow My heart is heavy today...for him
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Wow My heart is heavy today...for him
So we've been around and around about him (RAH) not wanting my kids around so much. He has expressed that in all forms and ways. But I am standing my ground - following my heart, but being repsonsive for requests for orderlyness etc. But we celarly want different things when it comes to family/kids.
Last week he said, Well if he (my son) is going to stay with us during the summer then he needs to do something around the house - take out the garbage twice a week... I readily agreed and committed to talking to my son about his chore. So I talked to my son a few times about it last week and he was eager to take on this responsiblity. He even told me he'd been thinking that he'd like to get a bin to put in the kitchen to collect recyclables and he could take those to the curb once a week as well.
Last night I told my husband that my son would be taking the trash out to the curb as planned and mentioned his idea about a recycling bin for the kitchen. I was pleased, felt like we'd reached a compromise, and felt proud of my son all at the same time. I didn't get any sort of reaction from my husband other than a bit of a hrumph. That's OK I felt I had been responsive and was pleased my son was too. We're working together!
Then... last night before going to bed my husband takes the trash out to the curb. WTF? After I told him my son was planning to do it when he got home. - and I was feeling so good
I. don't. understand. But it hurt me. Is he attempting to control his own control? Why did he undermine us like that?
This all may seem petty to you all but it socked me in the gut. It's hard to explain - but this was something important to me - a follow-through - a gesture for how we can work together. Why did he do that? And what i am feeling today is deep sadness for my husband. Thank you for listening - even if it does sound like a weird story.
Last week he said, Well if he (my son) is going to stay with us during the summer then he needs to do something around the house - take out the garbage twice a week... I readily agreed and committed to talking to my son about his chore. So I talked to my son a few times about it last week and he was eager to take on this responsiblity. He even told me he'd been thinking that he'd like to get a bin to put in the kitchen to collect recyclables and he could take those to the curb once a week as well.
Last night I told my husband that my son would be taking the trash out to the curb as planned and mentioned his idea about a recycling bin for the kitchen. I was pleased, felt like we'd reached a compromise, and felt proud of my son all at the same time. I didn't get any sort of reaction from my husband other than a bit of a hrumph. That's OK I felt I had been responsive and was pleased my son was too. We're working together!
Then... last night before going to bed my husband takes the trash out to the curb. WTF? After I told him my son was planning to do it when he got home. - and I was feeling so good
I. don't. understand. But it hurt me. Is he attempting to control his own control? Why did he undermine us like that? This all may seem petty to you all but it socked me in the gut. It's hard to explain - but this was something important to me - a follow-through - a gesture for how we can work together. Why did he do that? And what i am feeling today is deep sadness for my husband. Thank you for listening - even if it does sound like a weird story.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
You've struggled for a long time with this marriage.
What I see is you going to the hardware store for bread, dear.
You kept expecting your husband to be what he is not.
Am I surprised he did what he did? Absolutely not.
From what you've described in the past, he's a very unhappy, emotionally abusive, and controlling man.
He may not be drinking, but I wouldn't consider him in any way to be recovering, other than abstaining from alcohol.
What I see is you going to the hardware store for bread, dear.
You kept expecting your husband to be what he is not.
Am I surprised he did what he did? Absolutely not.
From what you've described in the past, he's a very unhappy, emotionally abusive, and controlling man.
He may not be drinking, but I wouldn't consider him in any way to be recovering, other than abstaining from alcohol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
I am grateful for this 'non-event' in that it struck me hard with something. I think my pain is associated with the realization that I am spending way too much emotional and mental energy doing, waiting, anticipating things related to him. Duh! I am mad at myself (but forgive myself) that I paid so much attention to what he wanted (driven by FEAR) and got it all to work out only to have him ignore it.
See I know from past experience that if I had not responded to his request about getting my son to start taking out the garbage he would've gone into a big rage about I told you to get your son to take out the garbage...blah blah.. You never this and you never that! And I did not want that to happen this time. My husband is foever shootign out demands.expectations (every night) about something he wants done or not done around this way or that way around the home and with my kids. I sit there and wait for the next one to come around and react/respond basically say OK I wll do that, OK I wll do that. Funny thing its often a moving target. The rules change and I cant ever seem to get it right. I feel I get inthe dog house real often for messign up. Not no more. I am done with being pushed around. (I know that what I described is the vicitm mentality as if I have no choice in the matter - as if he is the boss of me - I see that for sure)
I was proud that I had done something I thought he would be PLEASED with only to have it dismissed entirely. Oh well. The learning opportunity is for ME>
This is what it has taught me: Next time he asks for something, whether it is justified or not I will carefully consider my feelings, values and response - I may as a result choose to not do as he asks.
See I know from past experience that if I had not responded to his request about getting my son to start taking out the garbage he would've gone into a big rage about I told you to get your son to take out the garbage...blah blah.. You never this and you never that! And I did not want that to happen this time. My husband is foever shootign out demands.expectations (every night) about something he wants done or not done around this way or that way around the home and with my kids. I sit there and wait for the next one to come around and react/respond basically say OK I wll do that, OK I wll do that. Funny thing its often a moving target. The rules change and I cant ever seem to get it right. I feel I get inthe dog house real often for messign up. Not no more. I am done with being pushed around. (I know that what I described is the vicitm mentality as if I have no choice in the matter - as if he is the boss of me - I see that for sure)
I was proud that I had done something I thought he would be PLEASED with only to have it dismissed entirely. Oh well. The learning opportunity is for ME>
This is what it has taught me: Next time he asks for something, whether it is justified or not I will carefully consider my feelings, values and response - I may as a result choose to not do as he asks.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Been reading about this jerk for quite a while now. I join others in wondering why you continue to willingly let this creep be so emotionally abusive to you and your kids? Who cares if he gets mad about YOUR children being around? If it were me, I'd tell him my kids are ALWAYS welcome at my home and if he has a problem with that, there's the freaking door!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by jehnifer 
I am grateful for this 'non-event' in that it struck me hard with something. I think my pain is associated with the realization that I am spending way too much emotional and mental energy doing, waiting, anticipating things related to him. Duh! I am mad at myself (but forgive myself) that I paid so much attention to what he wanted (driven by FEAR) .
That kind of awareness is how it starts.
Since the turn this thread has taken, I'm gonna get on the bandwagon as well, and say that I believe your child/children must always come first. Always, always, always. You can't go back and have a re-do, with your child.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
I can understand how u felt it was progress, i am just sad for your son, after he was so willing to please, must have been a huge let down for him. I think your RAH can only think of himself. You really need to take time and look after you and your son, you really need to take time to re discover the inner you. Your RAH is not worth your time and trouble!
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
So YOUR child has conditions to live in YOUR home.. and your husband does not? What the.. Where's the conditions/boundaries in regards to his ****? How long until your son is old enough to move into his own place away from abuse, if you're not going to protect him?
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