xXBacktoBlackXx

Hey everyone. I used to post here a bit but stopped for awhile and even stopped lurking. Since the years that I posted, I really cut back quite a bit. Stopped drinking for a period of time, cut it all out. I then started back up but didn't get drunk every time (I'm really not encouraging anyone to do that, so please don't think I am). This past weekend, though, I went back to my old, drunken behavior.

I went away for the weekend and had a good time. But I got extremely drunk at a bar, the cops had to drive me and a friend to the apartment complex where we were staying, I got into the room, took off all my clothes and went into the hallway, knocking on peoples doors and then laid on the floor and passed out, but was still saying things. Pretty incomprehensible. Security was called as were the paramedics, but they just said that I had too much to drink and I was eventually okay. They left and thankfully I didn't get into any legal trouble, etc. I don't remember being driven home by the cops, I don't remember the security or anything after the earlier part of the evening. I feel so foolish for this and it is just one of those nights where I became the lowest of the low. UGH.

Dee74

Hey B2B

While it's great to see you, I wish it was with a different post, y'know?
This really isn't something we just...grow out of...believe me, I tried.

You really don't want to have something worse happen - and that's so on the cards if you keep up the drinking.

Be smart and be safe and look into some help now, ok?
D

xXBacktoBlackXx

I understand it was such a bad night, but this is what I really want to know. Why is it that on many nights, I am able to drink without blacking out and can stop drinking before it's too much but then sometimes I have a night like this (well not to this extreme, but with black outs)? It used to be worse. I am really not trying to excuse it. Thank you for the welcome. How have you been, Dee? Hugs!

Dee74

I'm fine thanks...still here lol

I dunno - I think we can look at things pretty strangely sometimes.
It doesn't matter it doesn't happen everytime, or that it only happens once in a blue moon, does it?

Frankly it only needs to happen once for you to get in all kinds of crap, right?

You were naked and wandering strange corridors - you are so lucky - how many more times can you count on luck tho?

The other thing is - and I'm not being melodramatic here - if you're anything like me, nights like that will get more common - it's a dead cert.

The fact is - if we got out of control every single time we drank, we *might* actually do something about it sooner (although I'm proof that argument doesn't hold much water).

It's the times where *nothing* happens that are the worst for people like you and me cos it convinces us we're ok...and we do nothing.

I know now I'm not OK, and I really don't think you are either R.

D

xXBacktoBlackXx

Thank you for writing me back. I really appreciate it. I've missed everyone here, just got caught up in my own life, I guess. It is strange to me that in the past, I really had such a hard time of stopping myself drinking. I would literally be in my room by myself drinking wine and blacking out for nights in a row. It was awful and I got into other substances too. I was in such a depressive state. I stopped for awhile and now that I started drinking again, I had many times where I did not get extreme or blacked out but then this night happened. I thought I was doing a lot better.

Dee74

I never worried about stuff like this. It was always 'oh wow...oh well'
I know better now.

I'm lucky to be here and in one piece more or less....incredibly lucky.

I worry for you about having this happen even once.
I really hope you use it as a wake up call.

Drinking's not really that important, but *you* are, you know?
D

MelindaFlowers

Hi xXBacktoBlackXx,

I just read your post. I was a heavy drinker for five years. During the last year the blackouts became more frequent and unpredictable. One moment I would be at my computer, editing old home movies and the next I would be waking up, feeling like death, my partner not talking to me, obscene/angry facebook posts, forgotten phone calls which would then lead to a panic attack.

What had I done? How did it happen? How can I prevent it next time?

This is what I thought: Okay, I won't drink if I'm feeling stressed, worried, sad. I'll stop at a certain amount to make sure it doesn't happen again. If I start arguing with someone I will stop drinking, check myself, apologize, and walk away. I won't send emails drunk. I will turn off my phone so I don't make phone calls or answer them. Definitely don't drink too much if guests are over.

I came up with a game plan that I felt pretty confident with. I thought it would work.

It didn't. I did everything that I listed above time and time again. I am lucky to still be in a relationship, have friends, and alive.

It used to be that I could get smashed at a party and nothing happened more than maybe the occasional comment I regretted and a hangover the next day.

The past year my blackouts meant ruining entire parties, ruining visitors trips who were staying at my home, weep-calling acquaintances at all hours of the night, and sending obscene emails.

People started asking me, "Did you mean what you said last night? That my job is pathetic? That my boyfriend is a jerk?" My partner asked me the next day, "Do you really regret the past seven years?"

As I sat there, sober and considered his questions, I couldn't believe that I had said things that I really did not mean. My blackouts were turning me into a monster; no resemblance to me, my thoughts, my actions, anything.

I became frightened of the blackouts. The only way I could think to stop them was to stop drinking and I have.

xXBacktoBlackXx

Thank you so much for your response. I seriously totally relate to all the panic you felt after a night of a blackout. I have felt that a lot in the past. Once I convinced myself that I sent someone a death threat and sent my computer away to an agency that checks what is on it to make sure I didn't send this through E-mail. I hadn't. I was so paranoid and stuck on things like that.

When you tried to tone it down, were you ever able to for a short period? Were you ever able to not have black outs but then had them again a few days later or so? It's so odd to me that I can stop drinking but then some nights I just get way out of control.

traid77

The struggle to understand alcoholism....I have tried and tried and tried. Moderation does not work for alcoholics. Period. Good luck, Traid.

MelindaFlowers

Hi xX,
Wow. I love the quick response. Sharing this stuff is really helping me in my new sobriety.

Was I ever to control it for a short period of time?

No. Whether it was 24 hours or 3 months between horrific blackouts, they were completely unpredictable.

My last blackout was about two weeks ago. I told my partner who I love that I hated him, the home we live in, my entire life with him, and that I regret ever knowing him. Do I think any of these things as I sit here? No. I love him very very much.

Before that it had been maybe six weeks. That time I wrote an email to my partners ex from years ago who is now happily coupled. We reconnected with them on facebook. I really liked them. We were chatting, nice conversation and I blacked out. I woke up the next morning to an email response. I had written them an obscene email telling that I hate them, attacked them personally with lots and lots of foul language. That friendship is over.

Sorry for the long examples. To answer your question, yes. Sometimes it would be weeks, sometimes months. Once I had three, three nights in a row, each one horrible enough to almost end my relationship. The third night was at a bar. I found out later that the reason several neonazis wanted to assault/kill me was because I decided to sing the National Anthem at karaoke night and did a terrible job. I ran the scene across a huge, busy boulevard back to the friends house. That was a birthday party that longtime friends had thrown for me.

Sometimes back to back, sometimes months apart. Always the same unbelievable horror. I could be dead.

One thing about my battle with alcohol is that I never drove drunk. As I've been sober and thinking back to the blackouts and horror stories, I wonder if I would have gotten to the point where I would have grabbed my keys and driven somewhere.

I am not willing to find out.

Okay. Here is my final answer: There were days/weeks/months when they would not happen but I could control when or if they would happen. They were out of my control once I drank. Completely unpredictable. You could be walking around in the hall again tomorrow night if you drink.

Each of three days that I had my three-days-in-a-row blackouts I apologized terribly during the day and then they happen the next night and the next. It was not a bender. I completely sobered up in between each one, swore it wouldn't happen and it did.

Dee74

I think that inability to control just how alcohol will affect us is the hook that keeps most of us coming back....we think I did it once, I can do it again...

The truth is the times I did 'control' myself were good luck, not good management. It was not down to me.

Isn't the sane thing to do to think 'gee I better not get myself in that situation again' and stop drinking...for good?

D

xXBacktoBlackXx

I think I do really have trouble understanding it! Yes, definitely very confusing. Yes, I agree the sane thing to do is to NOT do it because then I would never, ever have to worry about having such a night again.

One of the worst nights I ever had was when I was in a different country. I had way too much to drink and two friends of mine and I went to a place where a band was performing on stage. I hardly remember this but I actually went on stage, took the mic from the lead singer's hand and started singing a song. I then went and pushed the drummer off stage and started drumming, too. I had never played drums before in my life. I don't remember much of it at all, just bits and pieces. I was so horrified after that, so embarrassed. I did all of this in front of so many people and for a long period of time.

It is very relate-able to me, Melinda, that you have done "hateful" things when drunk. I have said such awful things, have been so rude, have told people to go away but then to come back, have done COMPLETELY BIZARRE THINGS and am completely unmanageable when I get to the black out stage. I have tried to break guitars that weren't mine, have tried to throw stuff, have thrown bottles. Am not always like that but when I get like that, it is completely NOT comprehensible. I have also told secrets of mine that I would never tell anyone, just really intense things that should not be told to people on an evening out. Just awful things. I hate it so much but I know people can relate.

MelindaFlowers

After I read Dee's post (above) I went back to change some wording. I think I was trying to get the same point across but the wording made it sound differently.

When I said "yes" to "can I control them for periods of time" I meant only that sometimes it would be 24 hours, sometimes 3 months between them. No. I did not have control over them.

yeahgr8

Yeah i went through this too...it was like playing russian roulette...it was confusing how some nights i could maybe drink the same as others and some nights i would go crazy...but in hindsight it wasnt like i went out on the 'normal' nights and thought ill drink as much as i want and have a good time...i always set conditions on myself like i will go out later, not drink before going out, stick to wine, stick to x number of drinks etc...

Mind you by the end i just drank so this was a few years ago;-)

Taking5

Sounds like a bender to me.

Welcome back. After my relapses I was always asked what I was going to do different this time. So what are you going to do different this time?

mimi54321

Hey B2B welcome back

Just wanted to say, I totally relate and also still get confused about the whole thing too - I think its the booze that stops our brains from seeing it for what it is!!

Take is easy.

M

MelindaFlowers

I hope you read all these posts and decide not to put yourself in any more danger.

I know for myself that my "get out of jail free cards" have run out.

MelindaFlowers

Hi Mimi,

Now that I'm sober I can see exactly what it is.

What is there to be confused about?

Adepitice

Back, I'm sorry to say this, but from your posts it is clear to me that you still believe you can control your drinking and are not sure that the only way for you to get better is to never drink again.

I feel sorry for you, because many bad things will happen to you if you keep drinking, but you have to fully understand that booze is your worst enemy and you have yet to see how evil it truly is.

Hope you quit now and save yourself the pain.

notnormal

Damn, if I could figure that one out I'd just not drink on those nights and all would be good..
Honestly, there lies the problem. For me, when I pickup a drink i really don't know how it's going to end up. That uncertainty is what makes me different and why I can't risk drinking. The only certain thing about my drinking is at some point I will drink too much, do things I don't want to and feel like I'd be better of dead than keep doing the same thing over and over...
nn
btw, I love Amy Winehouse, with a drinking buddy like her i'd seem absolutely normal...