groybin

My XABF and I broke up over 2 weeks ago, with no contact since. Last night he calls me and asks me over to his place. I am already ready for bed, but he knows how to work on me and I give in. The short walk to his place has my mind spinning... anticipation that he may want to work things out and dread that he may be drunk.
He opens the door and there he is.. smiling, laughing... and drunk.

Long story short, I try to talk to him about his recovery and he calmly replies " this is what I have been doing for the past 30 years, I just cannot stop". Then he asks me "what is wrong with my drinking? who is it hurting?"

I tell him that despite the fact that he has a great job, making big bucks, he has a bigger problem... he lost his marriage over this, his visitation rights are limited, and he has a DUI. Of course, I am getting nowhere fast.

He tries to distract me, trying to kiss me, hug me, touch me, making a total jerk of himself. In an attempt to preserve my own sense of dignity, I get up and leave.

Fast forward to this morning. I wake up, have breakfast, feeling angry. I want to go over to his place and say what happened last night? To tell him what he did was disrespectful. I am full of conflicting emotions. I need help making sense of this so I can do the right thing.

FarawayFromCars

Hi Groybin,

Boy can I relate! Though the alcoholic in my life is my sister, she used to push the same buttons with me! With her, it was the same thing--calls in which she swore she wasn't drinking, begging me to come over, telling me she needed me. And I would arrive at her place...and she would be drunk. And I would yell, get angry, try to talk to her about recovery, etc. etc. etc. And it fell on deaf ears. And I've come to the realization--slowly, over time--that you cannot reason with an alcoholic when he/she is actively drinking.
It's no wonder you feel sad and angry--you aren't being heard. But he can't "hear" you because he's so deep in the throes of his disease and he hasn't chosen to get help yet. And only he can do that for himself.
Maybe turn off the phone when you go to bed next? Or turn off the ringer? Or let it go to voicemail?
And maybe you don't need to say anything to him about what happened last night--maybe going no contact again will speak louder than any words.
I've found that with my sister, actions (on my part) definitely speak louder than words.
I know it's hard...take it one day at a time.
Sending you hugs!

PieRat

Sounds like he was just trying to drunk booty call you. Don't give in. You are better than him. FFC has given you some good advice above.

smacked

I'll answer that for you.. he was drunk, again. He will be drunk again and again until he feels it's problem enough to stop. All you can do is decide if you want to stick around for it, or not.

Thumper

You can not make sense of an alcoholic. You can't talk reason to them.

When reflecting on a situation focus on your part in it. Upon reflection, perhaps you have learned that no contact is sane, reasonable, and serenity saving!

Sanity, reasonableness, and serenity are allergic to alcoholics. Avoid them or you'll have a reaction Hives, rash, anger, confusion, heart ache, the whole bit.

10 doses of the Serenity Prayer are in order.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Freedom1990

It isn't that he can't stop. He has no desire to stop. Look at the consequences he's had already.

We don't have to dance the dance of insanity.

We can immerse ourselves in a program of recovery too, recovery from the scars that active alcoholism left on our souls.

I love my 32 year old AD. However, I no longer take a front-row seat to her addictions.

We very seldom talk. We have nothing in common except my grandchildren.

She chooses not to embrace recovery, and it's her right to do that.

It's also my right to live my life to the fullest and not engage in the insanity.

groybin

Thank you all for the great insight on this problem. It seems I am not alone.

It really helps me to read through this forum and think things through BEFORE acting irrationally.

Freedom1990

Oh honey, you are not alone!

I was also married to an active alcoholic/addict, and in the end I had to walk away for my own sanity, safety, and recovery.

He never got recovery, though he had the chance. He drank/used the day he got out of rehab.

He's been dead a few years now, complications due to AIDS, a direct result of his continued lifestyle. He was 47 years old.

As for me, I'm almost 20 years clean/sober, and have been working on my codependency issues for 11 years.

I am so incredibly grateful that those further along in recovery shared their experience, strength, and hope with me!

:ghug3

dollydo

Oh, I've been there, done that, only once tho, that was just enough.

I went no contact, maybe you might want to do that too!

spinwc

I feel your pain. Had a great week with no contact and BAM! Out of the blue. I am back to shattered again. My contact with him isnt to get back together, mine was to confront him. I wish I hadnt even looked at the text.

Its hard. I understand what your going through. THe only thing i can say is keep posting and venting here. Thats what I do. It helps!