stayingstraight

Okay. Woke up this morning at 9 am. I feel depressed and nervous. I have a script for buspar because back when I was drinking heavily I went to see my doctor to ask for some antiabuse. He wouldn't give it to me. He was afraid that I would drink on it. So he said that I had anxiety. And he gave me the buspar. It's non-narcotic. I'm non-compliant because I probably should have taken it all along. I don't want to rely on anything like a pill to get me through this. I feel like I need to do this on my own (without taking anything). I doubt I will take it. I just wanted to get it off my chest that I thought about it. Today is Father's day. My dad has been dead for eleven years. So I just want to say Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. I'm not drinking today. There is still alcohol in the house. Should I go through the ritual of pouring it out? I've done this before. I wish there was a set of rules or instructions that I could follow to keep me sober. You know, like a list that you refer back to when certain feelings or situations arise. That would be helpful. The truth is, I don't know a thing about living sober. My MO the last 25 years has been spent trying to be high and party. I'm tearing up really easily this morning. I have a thirteen year old daughter. She is a very good kid. She isn't like I was when I was her age. I was already smoking cigarrettes and pot. Thank God she's not like me. She has some pretty good friends too. She's not attracted to the seedier side of life like I was. I wanted to grow up too fast. She seems to like being a kid. She has a better home life than I did though. Believe it or not, my parents weren't drinkers. Before they had us kids they were. They met in a bar that my mom worked at. I never saw them with a drink in their hand. Alcoholism runs in our family. My grandfather on my moms' side died from complications related to alcohol. My dad's dad was a drinker as well. The women didn't drink too much I don't think. My sister doesn't drink. She says she doesn't because it runs in our family. She says she tells her kids not to drink too. Good advice. I hope I can get through this. I want to make ammends. I feel like I've surrounded myself with people who drink because they accepted my drinking. I want to have friends that don't drink. Man, I just want to be normal. I keep asking myself, why did I do this to myself? If I would have stopped sooner, it might not be this bad. When I was pregnant I remember how good I felt. That was the longest I had ever been without alcohol. But the longest I've been without it without being pregnant was 3 months. Shawna's my only child. My marrriage didn't work out. Guess why? We both drank. Too much. I'm open to any suggestions, or rules, or list that anyone can offer. Why can't I just be happy to be me, sober? I ask myself this every now and then. Thanks for listening. I'll post something again later. I'm not drinking today.

malcolmlaw

The first few days can be really tough. Feelings and emotions can seem to come out of nowhere. And beating yourself up also seems to happen a lot. For me, I thought this if this was the last day I had - what would I be doing, and thinking? I would want to enjoy it - to tell all the people that I care about that I really do - I would take a walk, watch my favorite funny movie.

When you are in early recovery, you need to help yourself feel good about something...and the decision not to drink is the best one you made...celebrate that!

Learn to let go. Allow you heart to heal from past hurts. Forgive failures and resolve regrets. Celebrate what was risked or attempted, improved or accomplished, and recognize that those who make no mistakes rarely make anything else either.

Learn to love. Make commitments to what's important to you. Take risks for the things that truly matter.

It's not how long you live but how you choose to live the days you are given, so choose to make the most of every opportunity you receive....and that's today.

Congratulations....you've already made some great choices.

artsoul

Hi Staying - I remember day 2 well - it was a Sunday for me, too, and I did nothing that day but read/post at SR, eat a little, and drink lots of water/juice.....All I could think of was getting through the hours so that I could add them up and count off one more day.

So try to be patient with yourself, OK? It's going to be another few days before most of the withdrawal symptoms are gone. And it will take longer than that to start the process of making sobriety the new "normal." It's so worth it though.... So hang in there!

Anna

Hi,

Early sobriety is really hard for many reasons.

It's hard to not have regrets and guilt about mistakes you've made, but you need to focus on the day and stay sober.

I had anxiety issues long before I began drinking. They worsened during the years that I drank, and now I still have to deal with anxiety. Know that you will be better able to deal with your anxiety when you're sober.

And, yes, my advice is to get rid of the alcohol in your house. We never keep alcohol in the house, and it does make life simpler.

mercurial me

Hi!
I'm only on day#12 without drinking but I know for myself I couldn't say no to a drink if I had alcohol in the house. Congrats on having such a lovely daughter! She sounds amazing.

I empathize with how scary a day this must be. It's one thing not to drink, it's another to consider overhauling your whole lifestyle (finding friends that don't drink,etc.). Hang in there and keep us posted!

stayingstraight

Just want to say thanks to everyone who replied to my post. I've been back in school working on my masters. It's all online. I logged in today to see what was up and discovered that I missed two assignments because of my two day binge. I'm so pissed and disappointed in myself. I emailed my teacher and told her that I would do all of it today. I have one more assignment to do. This is going to hurt my GPA terribly. If I can get it done I might be okay. I wasn't staying sober enough to make it work. I kept resorting to drinking to take away the stress in my life caused by school, full time work, kid and home. You know...life. I hope I learned my stinking lesson this time but I'm scared. Life is going to be so different without alcohol. It's almost like I have to say goodbye to my best friend that's a bad influence on me. We've been together so long. My crutch. Always there for me to give me that false power. It's hard trying to get to know yourself at 39 years old. the last time I really knew me without alcohol was when I was 13. It seems so crazy to hear myself say that. 13. I guess I'm scared because I'm kind of lost. I've always considered myself a strong person. This is going to take everything I've got.

stayingstraight

Oh and I forgot to mention, I still am not drinking today.

Anna

Stayingstraight,

I hope you catch up with your school work.

If you ever have 'spare time', you might want to read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir by a young, high-functioning alcoholic woman and her love affair with alcohol. It's deeply, painfully honest. It's the book that gave me the inspiration to say, 'If she can do it, I can do it.

stayingstraight

Anna, I will pick up a copy the next time I go to one of the bookstores. Sounds good. Believe it or not I have the AA book. One of my daughter's friends mom gave it to me. We didn't hang out too often because she didn't drink. She has been sober for 15 years. She told me a little about herself. I'm sure she knew. No matter how well I hid it. Sounds like I need to pick up that AA book and read it. I finished my work. Thank God. Thanks for the kind words.

stayingstraight

You know the woman who played Princess Leigha in Star Wars? Carrie Fischer? She wrote a book recently about her drinking days. It looks good. Has anyone read it?

super71

Stayingstraight,

I am also a 39 year old single mom and starting this sobriety thing...it seems really tough right now yes...on my 3rd day - but I have hope that it will get easier over time. The hope thing is huge for me.. haven't felt it in a long, long time. I second the book recommendation - read it for the second time a few weeks ago and it was one of the things that has helped me to be 3 days sober today. You can do this!