would_you_go_back?
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
would_you_go_back?
I caused a lot of bad consequences during my drinking days, which has left me with a lot of guilt, shame, and remorse and just general feelings of being less than.
I did 4 months of outpatient therapy, way over 90 meetings in 90 days in AA, and SR to get me started and sober. I'm now actively working on step 8 and approaching 6 months sobriety.
I've been feeling a little different lately. Just sort of an underlying feeling of acceptance or a higher level of acceptance about this whole ordeal and maybe my life in general.
That, got me to thinking about if I could go back (just imagine a magic button that would instantly take you back) to a time before the blackouts started, before I was broken up with, fired, forced to move, the blackouts are now very unpredictable & very scary, dui and car wreck #1, then hell on earth in my last days of drinking, then dui and car wreck #2 - all b/c of my decisions and my drinking - would I?
My answer would have to be no. No b/c I would still be broken, I'd still be confused about life. I'd still be wondering what is wrong with me, drudging along in some sort of "synthetic, either greater than or less than everyone else at all times, with the inability to really take part existence". I'd still be a fraud (or as my friend Tony says "I had a cowboy hat, but no cattle").
Yes, this has come at great cost to me and to others that I've harmed, but I think I'm starting to pick up steam and charge to the light at the end of the tunnel, instead of waiting for it to come to me (or at least meeting it halfway
)
How about you? Would you go back if you could subtract only the consequences and keep what was lost/given away?
Kjell
I did 4 months of outpatient therapy, way over 90 meetings in 90 days in AA, and SR to get me started and sober. I'm now actively working on step 8 and approaching 6 months sobriety.
I've been feeling a little different lately. Just sort of an underlying feeling of acceptance or a higher level of acceptance about this whole ordeal and maybe my life in general.
That, got me to thinking about if I could go back (just imagine a magic button that would instantly take you back) to a time before the blackouts started, before I was broken up with, fired, forced to move, the blackouts are now very unpredictable & very scary, dui and car wreck #1, then hell on earth in my last days of drinking, then dui and car wreck #2 - all b/c of my decisions and my drinking - would I?
My answer would have to be no. No b/c I would still be broken, I'd still be confused about life. I'd still be wondering what is wrong with me, drudging along in some sort of "synthetic, either greater than or less than everyone else at all times, with the inability to really take part existence". I'd still be a fraud (or as my friend Tony says "I had a cowboy hat, but no cattle").
Yes, this has come at great cost to me and to others that I've harmed, but I think I'm starting to pick up steam and charge to the light at the end of the tunnel, instead of waiting for it to come to me (or at least meeting it halfway
)How about you? Would you go back if you could subtract only the consequences and keep what was lost/given away?
Kjell
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
I agree with you that I would not want to go back to be the person I was before I started drinking. I was a control-freak, angry, depressed and lost. I am grateful every day that I have changed my life. But, I wish that I could have learned the lessons without causing so much sadness.
stayingstraight
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Lehigh Acres, FL
Posts: 66
Kjell, I think if I could go back it would be in that moment when I was offered my first drink and I would say no. My life would have been so different if I hadn't started drinking. I'm not saying it would be perfect, but I'm pretty sure it would be better. I should have had a DUI by now. I've just been lucky. I know alot of people who have gotten caught. I know my number is up. I really want to stay sober this time. I'm happy for you for finding that acceptance. It's a nice place to be. Keep it up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
hell no!
and been to hell,
its way too hot!!!
living life clean and sober is great, though finding, liking, and loving the real me is where it's at.
48 years on that search,
and what a climb out of the abyss it's been!
and been to hell,
its way too hot!!!
living life clean and sober is great, though finding, liking, and loving the real me is where it's at.
48 years on that search,
and what a climb out of the abyss it's been!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: far far from home
Posts: 373
No, because with my luck I would change the past to put me in a certain spot at a certain time where a piano falls on my head.
All that I have gone through and experienced with booze, good and bad, fun and pain included put me where I am right now and made me who I am now. It is a journey I had to take.
I have learned in AA that I am not always good at judging what is good and bad for me at that time. I would not trust myself to subtract the so called consequences. What I think is a consequence may have been vital in my development or have even been saving me from myself.
Tolle has a story about a guy who wins the lottery. It goes something like this. His family is happy about the money and talks about what a good thing it is. He says "maybe". He buys a new car and is hit by a drunk driver and put in the hospital. His family comes to the hospital and says how terrible everything that happened is. He says "maybe". That night his new house falls into the sea because of a storm. If he had not been in the hospital he would be dead.
All that I have gone through and experienced with booze, good and bad, fun and pain included put me where I am right now and made me who I am now. It is a journey I had to take.
I have learned in AA that I am not always good at judging what is good and bad for me at that time. I would not trust myself to subtract the so called consequences. What I think is a consequence may have been vital in my development or have even been saving me from myself.
Tolle has a story about a guy who wins the lottery. It goes something like this. His family is happy about the money and talks about what a good thing it is. He says "maybe". He buys a new car and is hit by a drunk driver and put in the hospital. His family comes to the hospital and says how terrible everything that happened is. He says "maybe". That night his new house falls into the sea because of a storm. If he had not been in the hospital he would be dead.
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 162
I've noticed a lot of talk in meetings about how fortunate we are to be alcoholics & to have an outlet, a network, to discuss our frustrations, are ups & downs with other like minded folks AND have an opportunity to help others while doing it. If I didn't go the path I went, I would be naive and probably not very well equipped to help others--which is the only constant action that I have felt a desire for. I haven't done a wonderful job of it, but I have a chance to now & I look forward to discovering myself, after having lost myself, through these steps & encouraging others to move forward. I feel assured that there is a plan for my life & that it includes all the nitty gritty of my past, I'm not sure what that plan is, but I am opening myself up & that feels nice.
So, naw. Too much has been given to me through the consequences I suffered. Purpose being just one.
So, naw. Too much has been given to me through the consequences I suffered. Purpose being just one.
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
Yes I'd go back. I am glad I am sober. I hope and pray I can stay this way. I hope I (and think I may) end up being better off than if I hadn't went through this. Still, if I could go back and prevent my drinking from spiraling like it had, I would. If I could prevent all the horrible things that went with my drinking, all the bad decisions and embarrassment, I would. I don't dwell on it though, just answering a good question. Hope I come to the same acceptance kjell and many others have come to and maybe don't wanna change it.
Toro Solo
Join Date: May 2010
Location: san francisco
Posts: 103
I'm almost jealous that some of you had a "back" to go to... I drank like an alcoholic from the first time.. the only "back" I have is before I started drinking and I was probably 12 or so... can't say I want to do that all over again.
I'll take today, it seems pretty good, just had a nice conversation with the neighbors and wasn't at all concerned as to whether or not they saw me walking home last night..
nn
I'll take today, it seems pretty good, just had a nice conversation with the neighbors and wasn't at all concerned as to whether or not they saw me walking home last night..
nn
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: British But live in CA, USA
Posts: 30
Hell No i would not go back. The arguments, the sickness, the being a ****** mom. My life is amazing now and there is no way in HELL i would go back to that life.
Sometimes my mind likes to think i will when i think of the good times, but no .. just no.
Sometimes my mind likes to think i will when i think of the good times, but no .. just no.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
As a purely intelectual exercise, no, for all the reasons others have stated. Emotionally, I would be really tempted though. My addict mind fantasizes about being able to travel back to when drinking/drugging was still fun and caused few problems. I spent years trying to get back to that place, but it had long ago passed. I know now that it may well have been a figment of my imiganation that it ever existed. But there is still a part of me that believes it did and wants to go back. No plans to do so in the immidiate future. If I find a way I will be sure to let you all know.
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
I would chose to go back before things got out of hand. If I hadn't gotten out of hand perhaps other things in my life and others lives would not have gotten bad. I won't drink today....and tomorrow I will decide that I won't drink tomorrow.....ect...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
