Puccibird

So my husband has not had a drink since that Thursday before last when he had gone to pick up our son from daycare drunk.

We were used to having wine with dinner but I haven't brought any wine in the house since. My question is, is it okay if we just have wine with dinner once in a while or is this opening up a can of worms? And what about when we have people over for dinner, we can't just not serve wine.

coffeedrinker

Is your husband alcoholic?

If the answer is "yes", then no, he cannot have wine with dinner, with communion, or any alcohol ever, for the rest of his life.

My feeling, is that we support them in healthy ways. For me, that would mean I also would not have wine with dinner, or serve to guests in our home. That wouldn't be forever, but it surely would be the case for awhile - probably at least a year or two. To my thinking, that's just respectful. If I was concerned that having people over and not serving would seem rude or bother the guests, I'd reconsider what kinds of friends I'm having over.

Taking5

I totally disagree. I was a bottle a day whiskey drinker at the end of my alcoholism but I have never once in my life had wine with dinner at home, nor have I had it at friends homes. Most people do not have wine with dinner, in my experience. Why do you feel this is required?

Even if it is required, there is no rule that says your H must drink it.

dollydo

My father was a diabetic, he took injections, I did not knowingly feed him food that would make his glucose go up.

So, why would you offer a drink to an alcoholic?

As for company, they will understand.

Jazzman

Wine gives me a headache. Probably gives your H a relapse.

stella27

it's a family disease. puccibird. It is also progressive, meaning it will never get better than it is right this minute unless he seeks a recovery plan. you could probably use some good information about alcoholism. read the stickies at the top of this page.

this may not matter at all unless your husband is committed to recovery. whether to serve wine with dinner will be the least of your worries.

KittyP

My husband's psychologist and doctor both said that it was so important for his early recovery that our home should be 100% alcohol free. And that I shouldn't drink at all, even when I'm not with him as the sight of me tipsy or smelling slightly of alcohol could have a negative effect on him. He also needs to avoid being in environments with alcohol, so no parties, trips to bars or group dinners where alcohol is served. It's not forever, but if he is really attempting recovery then it's such a tiny, tiny sacrifice for a few months or a year or so.

All of our friends understand and agree with this way of doing things. They don't find it any type of hardship to not drink in his company. Actually really sweetly three of them have given up smoking in order to 'be there' in an extra way for my husband. They know it's not quite the same but just wanted to show him they cared and admired him for starting to be up front about what he's going through.

smacked

Ok I'm gonna be brutally honest here. My first very loud thought when reading this was "are you ******* kidding me!?". To both providing your alcoholic husband liquor after he drank and drove your kid around DRUNK, and to the point that you "can't" not serve wine with dinner. Actually I don't have a second thought.

Chops

As an alcoholic this is a tough one for me. I understand the answers already given here that you need to support your husband's sobriety. But in my experience I hated it when people changed their routines for me when I got sober. Made me feel more self conscious. Made me feel like "that guy". Why should others change for my disease? I made it clear to others that I needed to change, they did not.

If your husband is an alcoholic he cannot have one freaking sip of booze, ever. It sets up physical compulsion that cannot be controlled. You on the other hand, that is up to you.

Having no booze in the house is a good idea until he gets some sober time though............why chance it?

Marie_A

I absolutely agree with Chops. Why should WE change our habits to please the alcoholic? Haven't we done that enough???

Will we have to go out of our way all our life to please them????

Drink when he (or she) does, because it pleases the alcoholic. Stop drinking when they do because it makes their life easier. DO THEY make our life easier???

Guess I'm pissed off tonight.

I take care of my life. My needs. My problems. They should do the same.

Marie_A

I have problems with my weight. Always had. When I decide it's better for me to not eat all that chocolate, I stop eating it. I do not require that everybody around me stop eating it. I do.

Same thing.

Everything I read here concerning the alcoholic and the disease(???) always remind me of something. A few years ago, I was in the supermarket and there was a woman in a wheelchair with a woman pushing it. That disabled woman was so unpleasant, bitching about everything and everybody in the store that I wondered how come she had someone to push the chair. Probably was the last person. I always have a lot of compassion for disabled people. I did not have any for that one.

coffeedrinker

Don't you think it'd be pretty sh!tty for your roommates or spouse to bring in a load of chocolates, and have a chocolate-eating party in your home, with you as a desired attendee, right after you decided to quit with the chocolate binging? How insensitive would that be?

Marie_A

Coffee,

No, I don't think it would be. If they do it just to put it in my face and **** me off, of course, it would be. But if they just feel like eating it, why should they stop themselves just because of me?

I do agree that it's not a good idea for puccibird to have wine at supper with her husband or to keep alcohol in the house. But if they have a dinner party, why should everybody abstain because the poor little thing there has a problem with it??

Ah yes... I forgot. The world revolves around them. And when he(she) relapses, everything will be okay. We can have all the alcohol in the world in the house.

You choose to drink or not. I was a coke addict for many years. If it's in my face now, I choose to say no. I choose to not use. It is a choice.

LucyA

The world at the moment seems to revolve around alcohol not alcoholics.
In England at least the main supermarket deals seem to be beer and pizza, or 'ladies' alcoholic drinks.
Why?
because the World cup is on and obviously no one can watch football without an alcoholic drink of some kind (England fans maybe!)
Other TV ads show social situations and alcohol to get them going.
Can't people be entertained without alcohol?

Marie_A

You are right, Lucy. I'm in Montreal, and the World Cup is a big thing here too, since there are so many communities. And it is associated with alcohol. In my neighborhood, there are convenience stores on every corner. All of them have "specials" relating to the World Cup. Same thing when it's the hockey season.

But we are not obligated to buy it.

What about food addicts? Food is everywhere. Good food and bad food. It's up to you to choose what is good for you.

I just get tired to accommodate and accommodate the addict again and again and again. He doesn't drink, nobody is allowed to drink. He drinks, we can all drink.

Toronto68

Pucci, I think not having alcohol in the house was a good start.

When you ask the question about having it with dinner, who is We? Is it your husband too? Why would you say serving wine is so compulsory? Is it a way of insulting the people that came over if there is none to offer?

My view is that if he is an alcoholic, there shouldn't be any in the house. After a while, depending on what he does to stay sober, maybe it can be there again for others, but there is no telling when that is. But in the meantime, having guests over and serving wine just seems so low on the totem pole when your husband can show up drunk in a car, ready to drive the child home. There ought to be a change in what the purpose of having a nice day is and what the purpose of seeing friends is.

infiniti

I agree that those of us without the addiction should not have to change our routines and entire way of life just because our loved one is in recovery from their own addiction. It was their choice to begin using.

My xabf's mom spent 10 years in AlAnon, several of those years as a sponsor. She went to many years of private counseling and participated in intensive rehab with her xah who was an alcoholic. She learned through all of that, that the addict has to learn how to function as a sober being in the real world, NOT that the real world has to cater to the recovering addict and change their ways to make things easier for them. To me, that makes a great deal of sense.

With that said, I will say that I do think that in the beginning phase of recovery, during rehab and for the first year of sobriety, I do believe it is important to be supportive in every way. When I was with my xabf and he got out of rehab, I very soon quit drinking altogether, although he's never been a drinker at all; meth was his problem. I just felt that it was important to be supportive in all ways, and that was to eliminate all mind-altering substances from our lives.

And to be honest, now that we are no longer seeing each other, I still don't drink much at all. I was never a heavy drinker anyway, never kept it in the house much, but now it's even more sporadic than ever. Maybe a margarita with lunch every 3-4 months.

megan09

It seems to me that, with some people, alcoholics are 'damned if they do and damned if they don't'. Give the bloke a break here.

KittyP

This isn't specifically directed at you infiniti but this quote stands out to me. Does not drinking or not having alcohol in the house really constitute a change to our entire way of life? Apart from as a positive change if it means the A has stopped drinking. But to my life specifically, not drinking is such a tiny thing it would be like never having white chocolate again. Sure I'd miss it a bit and would have to avoid the occasional nice treat but there are plenty of other treats to enjoy instead.

Bolina

Is this really about the drink? Or is it about the potential shame and social embarrassment?

Maybe give him a little time to find his recovery feet and then talk about it like adults. One day at a time is a slogan for a reason.