so.... where do i go from here?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1
so.... where do i go from here?
hey guys im just new to this site and living in the u.k i really needed to come by for some well needed advice, here's my predicament......
firstly i have to say i was a very heavy drinker/ cocaine/ speed user up until about 2 years ago, ive been clean since jan 08
when i got together with my partner i knew he was a drinker and a cocaine user but didnt really realise the extent of his problems and thought things were ok but they're not. he had a very serious drink problem and recently in the past 4 to 5 months has calmed down a lot from drinking almost every day to weekends but doesnt know when to stop. he always associates cocaine with alcohol and always uses when he's drunk, never when he's sober.
i know i shouldn't have given him an ultimatum but i told him the dreaded "its me or the drugs" about 4 months ago and he says its always been me and will stop. i believed him but found out 4 weeks ago he's still using and im petrified. i found out 6 weeks ago im pregnant with his child and dont know what to do. we went out to a friends house last week and everything was going fine until he went behind my back and bought some cocaine i walked out and left him there telling him that i wouldnt be seeing him again and he wouldnt have any contact with me or my child but he came around the next day appologising he would sort himself out and would stop again i gave him that chance to prove himself but the same thing happened this weekend. his attitude completely changes and im scared of what he can do when he's like this. he says its because of me that he drinks and does more drugs because im always moaning and on his case about this but im scared for him. his mum has been an alcoholic for about 25 years and a violent one at that his father died 3 years ago from a heart attack due to cocaine abuse i just dont want him going the same way, i cant be bringing my baby into this world with somebody like this and i cant bring my baby up around drugs. but im scared also that my bay will grow up knowing his grandad died of drug abuse and his dad could possibly be going the same way. he says he needs help but only from me, ive told him if he wants to stop he needs to stop associating with the people he is with when there are drugs about but he says he's not going to lose his friends. i dont know where to go from here or what to do.
sorry for the long message
thanks guys x
firstly i have to say i was a very heavy drinker/ cocaine/ speed user up until about 2 years ago, ive been clean since jan 08
when i got together with my partner i knew he was a drinker and a cocaine user but didnt really realise the extent of his problems and thought things were ok but they're not. he had a very serious drink problem and recently in the past 4 to 5 months has calmed down a lot from drinking almost every day to weekends but doesnt know when to stop. he always associates cocaine with alcohol and always uses when he's drunk, never when he's sober.
i know i shouldn't have given him an ultimatum but i told him the dreaded "its me or the drugs" about 4 months ago and he says its always been me and will stop. i believed him but found out 4 weeks ago he's still using and im petrified. i found out 6 weeks ago im pregnant with his child and dont know what to do. we went out to a friends house last week and everything was going fine until he went behind my back and bought some cocaine i walked out and left him there telling him that i wouldnt be seeing him again and he wouldnt have any contact with me or my child but he came around the next day appologising he would sort himself out and would stop again i gave him that chance to prove himself but the same thing happened this weekend. his attitude completely changes and im scared of what he can do when he's like this. he says its because of me that he drinks and does more drugs because im always moaning and on his case about this but im scared for him. his mum has been an alcoholic for about 25 years and a violent one at that his father died 3 years ago from a heart attack due to cocaine abuse i just dont want him going the same way, i cant be bringing my baby into this world with somebody like this and i cant bring my baby up around drugs. but im scared also that my bay will grow up knowing his grandad died of drug abuse and his dad could possibly be going the same way. he says he needs help but only from me, ive told him if he wants to stop he needs to stop associating with the people he is with when there are drugs about but he says he's not going to lose his friends. i dont know where to go from here or what to do.
sorry for the long message
thanks guys x
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
This isn't going to be easy, but unless you want your child raised by an active drug it might be time to put some space between you.
Sadly, nothing we say or don't say, nothing we do or don't do, can make them stop. Only they can do that, and it doesn't sound like he is putting any "actions" behind his "words".
Their intentions may be sincere when they say they will stop, but addiction is stronger and they just can't keep a promise.
Meetings have helped many of us find our balance again, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships where you can surround yourself with life support and people just like you who have something you may want...serenity.
Welcome to SR. Sorry you sat for so long without a response but hope you'll stick around and know you are among friends here.
Hugs
Sadly, nothing we say or don't say, nothing we do or don't do, can make them stop. Only they can do that, and it doesn't sound like he is putting any "actions" behind his "words".
Their intentions may be sincere when they say they will stop, but addiction is stronger and they just can't keep a promise.
Meetings have helped many of us find our balance again, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships where you can surround yourself with life support and people just like you who have something you may want...serenity.
Welcome to SR. Sorry you sat for so long without a response but hope you'll stick around and know you are among friends here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I'm sorry you're in such a scary and dangerous place.
I hope you have realized, by the recent "promises" he has made, that just telling you he will quit doesn't make it so.
1. He cannot just will himself to quit - he must have something working in his life to have true success.
2. You cannot trust him. The chances are very high that, even if he makes another promise, he will not follow through. You will possibly not even know that he is continuing to use and lying to you about it.
3. He cannot, absolutely cannot, keep his using friends.
4. He said his priority is you, and always has been. Clearly this is not true.
5. He is blaming the drug use on you. How can this be so? When you weren't in the picture was it still YOU that caused it? Obviously not true.
6. He is not willing to do what he needs to in order to be clean and sober.
My opinion: if you leave him, he MAY get the message and this will make him fearful, and understand that it really IS you or the drugs. This MAY cause him to re-evaluate and want to get sober. But, it may not. He may continue to try and manipulate you, and keep using. That way he gets both in his life.
I think you need to stick to your guns. For all the reasons you have already stated. Your baby is the biggest priority now in your life.
I hope you have realized, by the recent "promises" he has made, that just telling you he will quit doesn't make it so.
1. He cannot just will himself to quit - he must have something working in his life to have true success.
2. You cannot trust him. The chances are very high that, even if he makes another promise, he will not follow through. You will possibly not even know that he is continuing to use and lying to you about it.
3. He cannot, absolutely cannot, keep his using friends.
4. He said his priority is you, and always has been. Clearly this is not true.
5. He is blaming the drug use on you. How can this be so? When you weren't in the picture was it still YOU that caused it? Obviously not true.
6. He is not willing to do what he needs to in order to be clean and sober.
My opinion: if you leave him, he MAY get the message and this will make him fearful, and understand that it really IS you or the drugs. This MAY cause him to re-evaluate and want to get sober. But, it may not. He may continue to try and manipulate you, and keep using. That way he gets both in his life.
I think you need to stick to your guns. For all the reasons you have already stated. Your baby is the biggest priority now in your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
So sad, but even the love of a parent for a child doesn't get people to quit using..they are too sick at that point and dependant. It has to be his decision and it will take tons of hard work so he must commit. you can't love him into it .. that i know for sure.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by jmbbf 
i cant be bringing my baby into this world with somebody like this and i cant bring my baby up around drugs.
You know that this will only get worse if you persist in the fantasy that your baby's life will somehow be enriched by an association with a father who is addicted to drugs.
Parenthood is not a cure for addiction. Your unborn baby deserves better than his/her bio dad.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 36
Your pregnant. You should enjoy this time. Surround yourself with sober people. I'm sure he will keep you updated to his problems that are coming but you should really focus on you and the baby. I'm sorry things are going this way.
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