CajunsCheri

Hi all! I'm new here! I have a sponsor issue that I'm praying about and now I'm physically ill about. I am going to try to cliff note this to get the important facts in quickly, but would appreciate some other AA advice! =)

- Hubby went to sober living environment after ICU. (He almost died alone in a hotel on a spree.) That is another long story, but not mine to tell.
- Thru his SL house, we were referred to a specific group about 50 min. - 1 hour drive away - yes, each way....so we spend 3 hours minimum each time we go there. (We hadn't cracked a BB open yet, so we had no idea that finding something in our own area would become really vital!)
- He got his sponsor at this group, I got mine. His drove halfway to meet him for step work. Mine never met me at all unless I came to her house or if she was at a meeting I was at she would ask me to stay after (adding to the drive home) to work w/ her at unplanned times at her convenience.
- She asked if I was willing to go to any lengths. YES!!! I loved their foundation meeting and was hopeful and excited about "getting it" finally.
- Oh - we have four kids, so we have full time school, jobs, kid stuff/responsibilities....all up in our area....I forgot to mention this earlier.
- She has one child age 1 and is married. Does not work. Full time SAHM.
- Okay, so we are trucking along and I agreed to go to one meeting per week down at this meeting and the rest I would find two other things in my area. I found all that and did it. This was a month - 6 weeks ago when all that started. I don't remember her telling me to, but she now claims she told me to call her every other day. So - so far she thinks I've committed to one night a week at her meeting and calling her every other day.
- Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. I'm done with the steps. Begin work with others. Thinking about starting a group in my area (there are none super close and lots of dying alcoholics). She tells me she is proud of me and wishes all her sponsees would be as easy and compliant as me...(NO complaints so far right?) I love her and think she is amazing!!!
- She tells me (not asks) that she wants me to start going to another location (Govt. detox facility) to work with others once a week. This would put me at having two nights in a row driving even farther now and not being able to do any homework for college (I'm in Honors College at school so I have to keep a 3.5 to stay in that and to keep my full scholarship.)
- I tell her I really think that's excessive and can't I do some work with others IN MY AREA??? (She still has never come to my home once, we did all our work over the phone and a couple of times she kept me late after a meeting w/out asking if it was convenient.)
- She says that's how she works. Take it or leave it.
- I say fine. Still nothing about me not calling her enough. I still don't realize she thinks I'm supposed to be calling every other night.
- Had a major test and told her I could NOT go to the Wed. night thing without failing the Thurs. test. She said she would pray about it and try to come up with a solution. Next day her solution was "nothing else works with my schedule. I want you to come to this for at least a month or two so I can train you to sponsor others, learn the pages of the BB, etc." I understand, however it's just too much. I tell her I will try, but this is getting really difficult and shouldn't I be out doing something in my area w/others now that I've worked the steps.? She doesn't want to let me go yet.
- I go to Wed. night SICK, missed school Wed./Thurs. due to being sick and only went Wed. night.
- Thurs. couldn't make the BB study, too sick and exhausted...wearing myself thin.....sent a text saying that I printed off a BB study and my dh and I did it together. She text back basically firing me if I don't "follow her instructions" and saying she doesn't remember discussing this as an option. She never gave me any options.
- By now, I've read the BB several times, she has never read past the first 1/2 in six years of sobriety.....I also read sponsorship materials on the AA website that say sponsors are supposed to go to the sponsee and take them to different meetings and it's VERY important they let them pick the one that is right for them IN THEIR AREA....

I went through feeling like a failure, to anger, resentment, etc. I know I need to let this go. I just am so disappointed. I thought she was amazing. Now, I guess I'm just sad that she's probably not who I thought she was....

Am I wrong or am I on the right track?

I understand that we have to be willing to go to any lengths to work the steps. However, we are also to have our program in our own area/community. I made a mistake!!!! I didn't know any better at the time. Shouldn't she have known better instead of now blaming me for this issue? I'm sick to my stomach because she seems to be pretty disgusted with me and it has turned me off to this group and the home that saved my husband's life because they are a branch of this group and think the same way. It's pitched as "book oriented" and like they are very rare and the only ones who have it right. But in reality, what they are now doing is far from book oriented IMHO....

Advice/Insight please?!?!?!?

Thank you so much!!!!

yeahgr8

I was told by my sponsor that a sponsor's primary purpose is to guide you through the steps of the AA program...he has never told me to do anything else but i do value his opinions and advice in a lot of things...

I didn't quite understand...have you finished the initial step work 4-9?

CajunsCheri

Yes, I've worked steps 1 - 12 and I'm trying to find something working w/ others in my area, but she doesn't want me to yet. Not sure on the "why" part of that. Seemed good enough for Bill W. and Dr. Bob to work with others right away. That's the problem. Book conflicting w/ sponsor. I'm analytical. If the BOOK works, I trust it over anyone right?

Thanks!

artsoul

Yikes..... seriously, I didn't know there were groups or sponsors out there like that. I wouldn't have lasted half as long as you have.

Obviously, you got some great benefits while you were with her, but now that you're capable of steering your own course, I would (if it were me), tell her kindly that you appreciate everything she's done, but you are going to be doing things closer to home from now on. If she understands what kind of obligations you have and still has a problem with this, then she'd better check her ego at the very least.

Really............... humf

CajunsCheri

My interpretation of things she's said regarding this issue, it has to do with "willing to go to any lengths", including things that aren't in the book....whatever she tells me to do is the only/right way to do it. It's like she is trying to teach me submission instead of sobriety. I submitted to God, not her. I am working my program every day from when I hit my knees in the a.m. to when I hit my knees every night. I see miracles in my life and the lives I touch daily, so I feel confident I am on the right track. She also mentioned something about "if I didn't work my program correctly, I wouldn't have my kids, school, husband, life, etc." So I better work it or else?

It's sounding more ridiculous as I go on and re-read too. LOL. I guess seeing it in writing is also helpful in seeing the truth of the matter. I don't have to feel guilty I didn't make her happy.

Thanks!!!

miamifella

There are a lot of looney sponsors out there. I had a roommate who had to stop wearing anything green to show willingness. He and others were told to quit jobs, find apartments, etc.

Just be glad she didn't ask you to quit school.

CajunsCheri

She practically did tell (not ask) me to quit school. She doesn't ask. She tells. Basically, if school was going to come between when she wanted me to be somewhere and where school needed me, I was going to have to either re-arrange my school schedule or quit. THAT is when I decided something MIGHT be wrong with this picture....I started digging into AA sponsorship pamphlet from World Services, the original sponsorship pamphlet from 1944, the BB, etc.

You are all helping me so much! I almost thought I was going crazy and needed to give in to her, but I now see that would be wrong.

Thank you so much!!!!!!!!

artsoul

EXACTLY. What does "any lengths" include, really?

You know, her technique might work really well for certain people at a certain point in their sobriety. But the whole point of sobriety is to enable us to get back to our lives, not take them away from us.

Even if she were a trained professional with 5 PhD's, it's OK to get another opinion.......

gardner

Reading this makes me feel very wary of AA. Your sponsor is not a trained professional. I am not in AA nor do I know a lot about the program but my advice would be to get another sponsor and stay away from this particular group and it would probably be best for your husband to find a group closer to home as well. Good luck. Why would you even consider spending another moment of your time with this sponsor?

Pinkcuda

1.BIG BOOK-CHAPTER FIVE P58.ASP
If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

Any Lengths is the steps and nothing more.

1.BIG BOOK-CHAPTER SIX P75.ASP
We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

2.BIG BOOK-CHAPTER FOUR P55.ASP
search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway.

Broad Highway is capitalized because it's a reference to God.
I don't believe in lifetime sponsorship.
Once you've had your Spiritual Awakening(as a result of these 12 steps) you are in Gods hands. Not your Sponsors.
I did reference Broad Highway for a reason and it says Broad Highway for a reason.
To me it means that we don't follow in the exact same footsteps. The same path is good enough.
I think you're doing quite well.

All quotes from AA Big Book, Edition One

TwelveSteps

What Gardner said. My therapist is very supportive of AA but when I first discussesd joining, she gave me a long talk about remembering that sponsors or other members are rarely trained therapists and it's really important to have some level of critical eye as to what they tell you.

I've never heard of a sponsor behaving as yours has. Your recovery is about YOU and if this situation is making you physically ill, it sounds like you need to fire her as your sponsor.

GG

intention

Hi Cheri,

The sponsor's role is to show you how to have a spiritual awakening by working the 12 Steps. Now that you have awoken to the Spirit (your God) it's time to let Him guide you. What is he guiding you to do here?

Within the program some people take more spiritual guidance than others. Some may still apply an amount control (self-will) in their lives and in turn try to pass that on to others they work with. It is not uncommon for a sponsee to need to move on from a relationship with a sponsor once they have grown spiritually.....and continue to grow.


You could pray for her (see the story Freedom from Bondage, last page) and thank her for her help so far bring you to where you are and just move on to the next stage of your journey.

But really now this is the time to trust in your relationship with God because this is what your recovery is about. You don't need to have an official sponsor now but if you trust God and allow him by keeping an open mind, he will put people in your path to help you grow spiritually.
Good luck

yeahgr8

My sponsor said that once we have gone through the steps then his job is done...his objective he compared to that of a parent to get the dependant in the poistion to be able to go out and be ok by themselves, in this case talking about the steps and continuing to work the steps...

In my case we became friends and i do value his opinion on certain things and he is a great help to me as people have started to ask for my help with the steps so i would be silly not to ask for guidance as well as reading the literature...

He has never told me i have to do anything but work the steps, told me because i was asking for his help and how to get sober...

Another good friend in the fellowship suggested i might get a service position, even making the tea, when i return to the UK for a bit as she said that she got so much out of it...

I think it is great that you want to help others but maybe you are taking on too much...

Taking5

I know a guy who has his sponsees mow his lawn! IMHO he is sick and selfish and needs to work the 12 steps again. So does your sponsor. I can't add to the great posts here but you sound like you have it to me. I will stop taking other's inventories now.

Starting a new group where there is such an obvious need is a great idea. Please post and let us know if you follow through with this, I have been thinking of starting a group myself.

intention

This is a great idea.

Norther

Hmmm. I am 45 days in, have worked - thoroughly - through step 5, go to one or two meetings every day (three yesterday),and do not yet have a sponsor. Unfortunately, I seem to read as many negative stories about sponsors as I do positive ones, which gives me pause. Frankly, the whole process seems so ad hoc that it is fraught with too much risk in circumstances so important. I mistrust also the slightly frantic quality some AAers bring to their recommendation that one get a sponsor right away. It's creepy. I've been praying about the sponsor thing, and I think that if I had encountered the right person I would have asked him by now. Reading this post confirms me in my caution. I had actually been thinking this morning of asking someone today, but I am going to wait a while longer. Perhaps I was meant to see this post.

stugotz

Newsflash for ya. Sponsers are alcoholics too. With sobriety comes good judgement, use it.

Norther

Newsflash for ya. It is clear from this thread and others that good judgment does not always come with sobriety, hence, I assume, the admonitions to choose a sponsor carefully, which may take time.

stugotz

Ouch!

Norther

I refer to her sponsor (and to other sponsors mentioned in other threads) who I assume do have considerable chronological sobriety but obviously lack judgment. If I didn't believe that the program overall was a place and a way to grow, I wouldn't be here.