healthyagain

My husband knows I hate his drinking. He gets so difficult when I start talking about it. Even if it is just an attempt to talk about it. It is as if he is pouting or something. So, I am trying to overcome this desire to fix everything, but I have so many questions. Today I told him that I would like to see him reduce his drinking, and just asked if it is possible to instead of 3 twelve packs he drinks 2 twelve packs this weekend. The reaction was the usual one. He did not really scream, but he seemed bothered. I think that even his eyes changed color. I just wanna vanish because it hurts being around him...coming into a beer smelling bedroom on a Saturday morning. He was not drinking on Tuesday and Wendesday, but he was not "available" (that's how I call it) meaning that he was hardly talking and responding to me, he just went to sleep after lunch. On Thursday he had some beer, and was all happy, chirping like a bird, wanted to watch TV with me, saying how he wants to spend time with me. After 2 days of ignoring? Wow...

Now, I like to see him happy, in the chirping mood, but if he is going to chirp only when he drinks...well, then we have a problem. I have to admit that I have noticed the same reaction long time ago, but I thought he was moody because of other things. When he would get that way, I would ask him what was wrong, and if he were ok, but he would just say that he was tired. I sad before that he was "functional" meaning he keeps his job, but spending evenings like that for me means "dysfunctional".

So, how to deal with this? How to talk to him? Should I just go somewhere when he is "not available"? Should I just go somewhere when he drinks and ignore? I am in a new town, new environment, and have no friends. My family is far away, and I do not trust his family. I really feel isolated and lonely. He knows all these things, but alcohol comes first. I am looking into joining an Al Anon group and helping myself because talking to him about alcoholism is like talking to a brick wall. I just do not feel comfortable yet because I am new in this town. I've decided to try forums first.

Bolina

As is often the case, the answer is boundaries. Some good stickies up top on those. The Anne Katherine book called Boundaries is good too.

In essence, they go like this:

I prefer not to be exposed to X behavior. If you do X, I will do Y. And make sure you do Y. You don't even have to tell him, just tell yourself.

Al-anon would be helpful too, and I can't think of a better way to make some new friends who understand, tbh. At least you wouldn't have the "I might know someone there" worry.

And welcome to SR. Keep posting too. It's amazing what revelations can come from writing and reading responses.

theuncertainty

Hi, Healthy, and welcome to SR. My story with my AH is a little different. We had actually moved back home a couple years after getting married, so we actually moved closer to both of our families and old friends. But still, when his drinking got worse and worse and worse, I isolated myself from everyone, including AH. I basically hid in the bedroom with our then-infant son while he drank in the living room and kitchen, later I ended up hiding from his bitterness and anger. It was the worst thing I could have done, because I needed help and support and a kind shoulder to cry on.

Al-Anon is a great place to meet with others who understand what you're going through and get help specific to work your own recovery and vent about your AH. I highly recommend Al-Anon. But being in a new place where you don't know any one is a whole other thing. I'd suggest getting out to events where you can meet people. There are usually great events in municipal parks (Summer Solstice, the 4th, etc.), art walks each month, take a couple interesting classes from a community college, ask a co-worker who seems friendly to coffee, lunch, etc.

Don't wait for your AH to go with you. Tell him, invite him along, but if he's drinking and/or declines, go any way. Keep in touch with your old friends. Keep your support network strong and start building a local one.

As for communicating with AH.... well... I still can't communicate with my AH and he hasn't been drinking (so he says) for, wow, 2.5 months now. I don't know what he hears when I talk, but I'm reasonably sure it's not what I say. It all seems to get filtered through the self-pity, anger and delusional stories he's built up to justify his drinking and seriously cr-ppy actions.

Welcome. Keep reading and posting. (Get out there and find new friends.)
Best wishes.