spilledmilk

Hi everyone, I still can't get over all the stupid things I did when I was drunk. I was so lost when I started drinking and not in a good environment but feel like people aren't going to give a **** about everything that led up to me drinking all the time. I also feel so pissed at all the people who took advantage of me and encouraged me to stupid when I was drinking. I have no idea how to cope with the shame and don't want to live the rest of my life defending myself. It seems that people who don't have big problems when drinking always seem to say "well I've been drunk before and I've never done that". I hope I didn't vent too much but I would love to hear how everyone here has dealt with the way people treat you for what you did while you were drunk.

mercurial me

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You're here & you obviously want to make some changes. If the guilt you're feeling for some of the stupid things you've done is a motivating factor in helping you stay sober that can be a positive thing. Just try not to dwell on it as beating yourself up about the past will be counterproductive.

We're here for you too. There is a whole forum of people here who can relate and have done tons of stupid things too. Be good to yourself!

tallcactus

Shame, guilt, regret are hard to let go of.
You need to move forward, since it isn't doing anything good for you or your recovery.
Man/Woman up, if need be. When these episodes come up, just say something like: "I was drunk, no excuse, but forgive me, I'm on the wagon, since I can't handle it and I need your support.
Prove to yourself that you have a problem and that you are working on it, soon they will see that this is so.
Stop beating yourself up.
I wish you the best.

spilledmilk

I try hard to move on, but dealing with people who want to throw it in your face is the hardest thing. They love to remind you what you did, but don't seem to care about how drunk you were when it happened. I always wondered why if they were so disgusted by my behaviour they waited till the next to tell me. I never had anyone try to help me, unless they really thought laughing and getting pleasure out me drinking was helping. There's just too many emotions to deal with when you sober up and realize what has happened. It's always in my head, thinking of how things could have been if I just didn't start overdrinking and got rid of the "friends" I had. I just wish some people knew what it was like instead of thinking that were all just having a big party.

mercurial me

My best friend loved getting me liquored up and later reminding me of things I did or said after he plied me with booze.

I learned that the only reason he likes to dredge up the past is because he is such a loser with nothing else of any substance to bring up in a conversation.

Don't give others the satisfaction of letting their comment get to you. I'm sure if you were a truly spiteful person you could find plenty of faults with their lives as well

spilledmilk

Thanks merucial me I just saw what you wrote in another post and now what you have wrote on mine, you seem very wise.

TwelveSteps

Spilledmilk, you might consider AA. The fourth step, where you get all that past BS out in the open, can be very healing.

GG

spilledmilk

There are a couple of things that are so disgusting that I wouldn't even want to tell fellow alcoholics, I sank pretty low. Also it seems that everytime I was out in public I did something stupid. I can't even keep track.

Dee74

I was like that too spilledmilk...I had a long list of embarrassments...really embarrassing stuff too...

The way you get through it an move on? One day at a time.

The past is forever closed to us - that's all there is to it. Today is all we can do anything about.

Live your live the way you know it ought to be lived, and keep putting those days between you and your former life.

Make your new life and your new true self everything you want them to be. Go good.

It takes time, but it took more time to get where we were with our drinking careers right?

One day at a time. Thats the way to get passed your past.

We all understand - even if others don't
D

Grace2

God I can so relate to how you feel. I am now on day six and am having constant flash backs at the wicked, evil things I have done and the lies I have told, especially to my family. I feel sick to the stomach. Like you I've done things so bad I'm ashamed to admit them. I don't want to drink any more, I want to like myself again and earn some self respect, that's why I've finally admitted I need help. Try an A.A meeting, I think it will help you. Anything is worth a try.

MelindaFlowers

I'll share what I am going to do to lessen the regret/despair about one of my lowest blackout moments that two longtime friends witnessed while they were staying at my house.

I apologized at the time but I can still recall every detail.

Here's what I'm going to do with these friends. I am going to visit them this weekend for a baby shower and stay at their house. I will not drink, be the best company I can be and reintroduce them to a sober me.

I'm thinking I'll feel pretty good about that.

MelindaFlowers

I read your post again and I thought of a few more things:

1. Give them an sincere, sober, apology.

2. Show them that you are dedicated to sobriety.

3. Focus on the positive starting now.

4. Most bad memories fade as positive sober time passes.

1lastchance

first of all I think its best to just tell it like it is and from this day forward change the things you can and except that the past as the past and there's nothing that will change it. I know in my heart that after I started letting it all go how much better I felt and it has helped me to rid myself of the shame. from my experience keeping it all bottle up inside was the worst thing I could have done I spent many years drowning the past with alcohol in turn creating a new past that I felt ashamed of its an awful cycle to be caught up in. today I choose to be honest with myself and others and if people "friends" want to judge me and ridicule me for my past mistakes then they are not my friends now days my definition of a friend has changed. a friend is someone who excepts your faults and takes the good with the bad without judgement and ridicule for me if I have any doubts I move on to make friends with people who are supportive and understanding. I go to great lengths to avoid people who want to drag me down.(true friends would not do that).
I found this wonderful site only a few days ago and since then I started a thread of my very own a place where I can put all my thoughts and feeling down in black and white. I am not holding anything back no matter how embarrassing, sad or just plain disgusting it is it will all go there daily and when I am feeling on the edge and ready to jump I go back as a great reminder and reread all that I have said because I need to remember where I have been to find a new path to where I want to be. have enough respect for yourself to be honest with yourself I hope this makes sense.
good luck and peace will find you.

Almath

I agree with Melinda's very wise words...and I can honestly vouch for the fact that time heals.. my last blackout cringeworthy episode was at the beginning of February and I just didn't want to get out of bed after it or go back to work, look people in the face, etc... But I carried on, went sober and now it's over 130 days and it's not the 1st thing I think about when I wake up in the morning! I feel much stronger and the 'wounds' are healing. Yesterday I had a lunch with my boss and colleagues and didn't drink and had such a great time! I was on a high afterwards. I used to have to drink at these things to give me confidence to speak as I'm quite shy but now that I have a clear head I'm able to assert myself and have conversations with people, etc.

There are always people who like to kick you when you're down (and vultures who wait for you to buy all the drinks!) but you have to get back up and be the best person you can be and indeed prove them wrong! Maybe when the fog lifts you'll see that these are not the kind of friends you'd like to have around - you'll hopefully make new friends who are supportive of you and who don't judge you, etc. I've left some 'old drinking buddies' behind - one in particular who used to spike my drinks (only found out much much later...), put the pressure on to stay out late and drink more (of course it didn't take much to twist my Irish arm..) and tried to split me and my husband up on several occasions over the years... Now that the fog has lifted I realise that we were 'friends' for over 16 years but that she doesn't know anything about me! It was me listening to her over the years, being a shoulder to cry on, a drinking buddie/her bait to hook up with guys and then leave me high and dry - and I was always there to help her with her dramas with men, health problems, career, problems (all drink related!) etc. She has never been there for me once for the things that happened in my life.. and I could never see this until now that the fog has lifted...

Anyway, I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this - please keep in touch here on SR and let us know how you're doing.

Big hugs,

Almath