Mom problem..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Boardman, Ohio
Posts: 2
Mom problem..
Hello all,
I've been reading a lot of these threads and they really get to me. I have a problem, though, that I would like some serious advice on. Here's a bit (Ok, more than a bit) of backstory on the life of me and my family.
I am 22, turning 23 in July. I have 2 sisters, one older (25), one younger (19). We grew up moving a lot, my dad is a manager at k-mart, so he gets transferred quite often. This alone put a toll on my mother because she would just get into a daily basis where she would work when my dad was off and vice versa, she usually worked for grocery stores. She also just gets a good amount of friends, then boom, we gotta change our lives completely.
My parents always had a stocked refrigerator, it started with just beer. They would have a few beers here and there, but never actually get drunk in front of the kids. Well then my mom thought it would be a great idea to move into hard liquor. That's when she found her favorite drink. She would drink diet pepsi and bacardi every single minute of every single day that she could. At first, it was just sipping, getting a bit of a buzz, and calling it a day.
This was when I was about 7, so a long time ago. The years pass, and I turn 13. My parents fight, constantly, all the time. The number 1 topic is my mothers drinking problem, which by the time I turn 13, is very very bad. My dad, he just drinks a few beers, just like before. My dad is very responsible, and knows not to get drunk anymore, he knows his fun party days are over, hes known for a while, he just likes the taste and to casually drink a few beers. My mom, on the other hand, does not have that responsible kick that my dad has.
I finally get old enough to find out what getting drunk means (not getting drunk myself, just seeing the changing in my moms behavior and finding out what its from) so I start like rebelling, asking my mom why is she being so strange, being so mean to us (the 3 kids), and all that, and me and my older sister start to let her know we think her drinking is taking over her life. Of course she flips out on us and scares us.
So the problems between my parents escalate, to the point where they finally decide to get divorced when I'm 14. This puts a huge toll on us, a huge custody battle, and fighting every night with my mom trying to make us feel like the bad guy and trying to get us to choose her. My younger sister is very close to my mother, so she gets guilted ALL the time during these times. My mom continues to drink all throughout the divorce, we get counseling, we get pressure from both sides until the custody battle ends. My dad gets custody but he gives us the option to choose where we want to live so it ends up being us going to whatever house we want whenever we want (they live 5 minutes from each other at this point).
Things go back and forth for a good 3 years until my mom hits what I thought was rock bottom. She blacked out at the wheel, got in an accident. I try to stay strong during all of this emotion wise, because I feel like I'm the big brother to protect my sisters, I have what I think is tough skin, so I don't let my mom get to me, I will explain in a little bit. So we go to the hospital, and find out my mom has developed Diabetes, and the low blood sugar caused her to blackout. So we all let her know, we're very worried about her she tells us shes ready to get clean. So the hospital keeps her for 3 days and she calls me, looking for a ride. I go to the hospital, see her, and she was trying to get out without checking out, the hospital never released her, she was not ready to go. So I am a bit concerned, if she can't stay at the hospital to get her diabetes under control, and tries to lie to me to get out, how is she ready to battle this alcoholism?
She has a thing for guilting us. Making us feel like utter crap because we don't want to talk to her or see her. She calls us, tells us, "Why don't you ever call or visit?", and my sisters get in huge yelling arguments, while me, I just shrug her off, don't answer the calls, etc etc. My sisters feel the need to talk to her to let her know shes there, but me, I am different. I feel she ruined my youth, made things so difficult. I think about it all the time. I feel like crap because I feel like I am such a bad son for thinking like that, but I cannot help it, she has hurt us so bad I just cannot forgive her. This is kinda the tough skin I was talking about, my sisters can talk to me about it because they see me as I've got things under control.
Well turns out she wasn't ready to battle alcoholism. She got fired and can no longer afford her house payment, so she gets kicked out. She moves back in with her parents, who live in State College. Her house was in such dirty condition that it had to get destroyed after she moved out. This was about 5-6 years ago. We go and see her, my grand parents promise me they watch her and make sure she doesn't "sneak" liquor into the house and that she's done. Well, we go and visit her this easter. This is where my eyes were opened that this problem is life threatening, still.
She gave us gifts the day we got to my grandparents during easter. We had fun in the basement playing games, watching movies. She was slurring every word, she smelled like alcohol, and then the confirming part was the next morning, she didn't remember giving us the gifts, at all. So she is still smuggling alcohol into the basement and getting drunk, probably a daily thing. We decided to walk to the park the next day, and find out, she can't even walk straight, sober. She is stumbling sober, and she can't talk straight. The alcohol is killing her.
Which comes to present day. I got a call about 3 hours ago. My grandparents found her face down in the grass, unconscious this morning. And it was due to alcohol. So this is a very serious situation, and I am the only one that is WANTING to take action. I still feel like I have that tough skin, but at the same time, I could not live with myself if my mother died and me feeling like a guilty person because I was not there. I kind of feel like I'm a cause of it, I could have helped her stop if I stay in her life, but I didnt.
Now, the reason I'm here. I have NO idea how to go about this. My dad wants us to do an intervention, but I don't know who to talk to about it, how to get it started. My sisters said they will follow, but I have to take initiative. I don't know if talking to someone will help me, or who to talk to. I am just completely lost when it comes to solutions. I need help, I need some advice as to where to go from here. It's killing her and I feel helpless. Please, help me.
I've been reading a lot of these threads and they really get to me. I have a problem, though, that I would like some serious advice on. Here's a bit (Ok, more than a bit) of backstory on the life of me and my family.
I am 22, turning 23 in July. I have 2 sisters, one older (25), one younger (19). We grew up moving a lot, my dad is a manager at k-mart, so he gets transferred quite often. This alone put a toll on my mother because she would just get into a daily basis where she would work when my dad was off and vice versa, she usually worked for grocery stores. She also just gets a good amount of friends, then boom, we gotta change our lives completely.
My parents always had a stocked refrigerator, it started with just beer. They would have a few beers here and there, but never actually get drunk in front of the kids. Well then my mom thought it would be a great idea to move into hard liquor. That's when she found her favorite drink. She would drink diet pepsi and bacardi every single minute of every single day that she could. At first, it was just sipping, getting a bit of a buzz, and calling it a day.
This was when I was about 7, so a long time ago. The years pass, and I turn 13. My parents fight, constantly, all the time. The number 1 topic is my mothers drinking problem, which by the time I turn 13, is very very bad. My dad, he just drinks a few beers, just like before. My dad is very responsible, and knows not to get drunk anymore, he knows his fun party days are over, hes known for a while, he just likes the taste and to casually drink a few beers. My mom, on the other hand, does not have that responsible kick that my dad has.
I finally get old enough to find out what getting drunk means (not getting drunk myself, just seeing the changing in my moms behavior and finding out what its from) so I start like rebelling, asking my mom why is she being so strange, being so mean to us (the 3 kids), and all that, and me and my older sister start to let her know we think her drinking is taking over her life. Of course she flips out on us and scares us.
So the problems between my parents escalate, to the point where they finally decide to get divorced when I'm 14. This puts a huge toll on us, a huge custody battle, and fighting every night with my mom trying to make us feel like the bad guy and trying to get us to choose her. My younger sister is very close to my mother, so she gets guilted ALL the time during these times. My mom continues to drink all throughout the divorce, we get counseling, we get pressure from both sides until the custody battle ends. My dad gets custody but he gives us the option to choose where we want to live so it ends up being us going to whatever house we want whenever we want (they live 5 minutes from each other at this point).
Things go back and forth for a good 3 years until my mom hits what I thought was rock bottom. She blacked out at the wheel, got in an accident. I try to stay strong during all of this emotion wise, because I feel like I'm the big brother to protect my sisters, I have what I think is tough skin, so I don't let my mom get to me, I will explain in a little bit. So we go to the hospital, and find out my mom has developed Diabetes, and the low blood sugar caused her to blackout. So we all let her know, we're very worried about her she tells us shes ready to get clean. So the hospital keeps her for 3 days and she calls me, looking for a ride. I go to the hospital, see her, and she was trying to get out without checking out, the hospital never released her, she was not ready to go. So I am a bit concerned, if she can't stay at the hospital to get her diabetes under control, and tries to lie to me to get out, how is she ready to battle this alcoholism?
She has a thing for guilting us. Making us feel like utter crap because we don't want to talk to her or see her. She calls us, tells us, "Why don't you ever call or visit?", and my sisters get in huge yelling arguments, while me, I just shrug her off, don't answer the calls, etc etc. My sisters feel the need to talk to her to let her know shes there, but me, I am different. I feel she ruined my youth, made things so difficult. I think about it all the time. I feel like crap because I feel like I am such a bad son for thinking like that, but I cannot help it, she has hurt us so bad I just cannot forgive her. This is kinda the tough skin I was talking about, my sisters can talk to me about it because they see me as I've got things under control.
Well turns out she wasn't ready to battle alcoholism. She got fired and can no longer afford her house payment, so she gets kicked out. She moves back in with her parents, who live in State College. Her house was in such dirty condition that it had to get destroyed after she moved out. This was about 5-6 years ago. We go and see her, my grand parents promise me they watch her and make sure she doesn't "sneak" liquor into the house and that she's done. Well, we go and visit her this easter. This is where my eyes were opened that this problem is life threatening, still.
She gave us gifts the day we got to my grandparents during easter. We had fun in the basement playing games, watching movies. She was slurring every word, she smelled like alcohol, and then the confirming part was the next morning, she didn't remember giving us the gifts, at all. So she is still smuggling alcohol into the basement and getting drunk, probably a daily thing. We decided to walk to the park the next day, and find out, she can't even walk straight, sober. She is stumbling sober, and she can't talk straight. The alcohol is killing her.
Which comes to present day. I got a call about 3 hours ago. My grandparents found her face down in the grass, unconscious this morning. And it was due to alcohol. So this is a very serious situation, and I am the only one that is WANTING to take action. I still feel like I have that tough skin, but at the same time, I could not live with myself if my mother died and me feeling like a guilty person because I was not there. I kind of feel like I'm a cause of it, I could have helped her stop if I stay in her life, but I didnt.
Now, the reason I'm here. I have NO idea how to go about this. My dad wants us to do an intervention, but I don't know who to talk to about it, how to get it started. My sisters said they will follow, but I have to take initiative. I don't know if talking to someone will help me, or who to talk to. I am just completely lost when it comes to solutions. I need help, I need some advice as to where to go from here. It's killing her and I feel helpless. Please, help me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Bowen, and pleased to "meet" you 
You know, I had totally forgoten after all these years, but that is exactly what my mom would drink too. I guess it's a common "starter" drink.
Yeah I did that too when I was 12 yrs old. That's when I started running away from home. Seems common for kids in "toxic" families.
It does feel that way. I know I felt that way. The truth is a little different. Take a few minutes to visit the forum "next door"
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
and see what they have to say about who is _really_ the cause of a persons' drinking.
The first thing to do is educate yourself about alcoholism. Right here in this forum, and "next door" is the best place to start.
Next, grab your phone book and look up Al-Anon, or look here
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
call them and go to whatever meeting is convenient to you. Check out their books and pamphlets, they have tons of them and they are all good. Those people are the expert at dealing with alcoholism in a family member.
Next, ask the folks at al-anon to recommend a recovery home, shelter, hospital, etc. and go visit the "intake counselor". They are the ones that can help you set up an "intervention". The process is actually straight-forward, but it takes a lot of time and co-ordination to do it right.
That should get you started Feel free to toss out any questions you may have either here or in the forum "next door". I know how heart-breaking it is to watch someone you love self-destruct this way. My father and mother, uncle and aunt all died from this horrid disease, and it's made a mess of my family.
I'm really glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Originally Posted by Bowen55 
.... She would drink diet pepsi and bacardi every single minute of every single day....
Originally Posted by Bowen55
.... I finally get old enough to find out what getting drunk means (not getting drunk myself, just seeing the changing in my moms behavior and finding out what its from) so I start like rebelling....
Originally Posted by Bowen55
.... I kind of feel like I'm a cause of it, I could have helped her stop if I stay in her life, but I didnt.....
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
and see what they have to say about who is _really_ the cause of a persons' drinking.
Originally Posted by Bowen55
.... I have NO idea how to go about this. .... It's killing her and I feel helpless. Please, help me....
Next, grab your phone book and look up Al-Anon, or look here
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
call them and go to whatever meeting is convenient to you. Check out their books and pamphlets, they have tons of them and they are all good. Those people are the expert at dealing with alcoholism in a family member.
Next, ask the folks at al-anon to recommend a recovery home, shelter, hospital, etc. and go visit the "intake counselor". They are the ones that can help you set up an "intervention". The process is actually straight-forward, but it takes a lot of time and co-ordination to do it right.
That should get you started
Feel free to toss out any questions you may have either here or in the forum "next door". I know how heart-breaking it is to watch someone you love self-destruct this way. My father and mother, uncle and aunt all died from this horrid disease, and it's made a mess of my family. I'm really glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: colstrip, montana
Posts: 237
Bowen55,
Hang in there! Pray, pray, pray! That's the best advice I can give!
I came from an alcoholic parent also. Two of them, in fact. I know exactly the heartbreak you wrote about! It is totally mind-boggling if you don't have yourself armed with information.
I thank God that I had a great sponsor in the beginning who helped me make sense of it all. She was a sponsor in the "ACOA" program, but then, I found out she was also in A.A. which was great because I belonged there too.
It will get better but it takes work and perserverence. I will pray that you have and/or get BOTH.
Hang in there! Pray, pray, pray! That's the best advice I can give!
I came from an alcoholic parent also. Two of them, in fact. I know exactly the heartbreak you wrote about! It is totally mind-boggling if you don't have yourself armed with information.
I thank God that I had a great sponsor in the beginning who helped me make sense of it all. She was a sponsor in the "ACOA" program, but then, I found out she was also in A.A. which was great because I belonged there too.
It will get better but it takes work and perserverence. I will pray that you have and/or get BOTH.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
