To help or not to help?

Old 06-17-2010, 06:08 PM
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aboutdone
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To help or not to help?

As usual this will be long...facts first.

1. 18yr old SD from 1st marriage, has 18month old son, and 4wk old baby with Down syndrome.

2. Alleged father is her BF of 3 years and addicted to crack and anything else.

3. Down's Baby in hospital since birth in a town 50 miles away.

4. They only see baby 1-2 times a week, for maybe an hour at best.

There is so much to this story, but bottom line is for over 2 years I have dealt with this girl crying and whining about how her BF treats her, and he really is a piece of crap. Doesn't pay child support, mooches off of her. Only gets along with her when food stamps or cash assistance posts.

She isn't the brightest, and feels the world owes her, since her Mom died when SD was only 2yo.

I raised this girl as my own, along with my own for the 13 years her Dad and I was married.

Anyways, since 18 month old was born, she pawns him off on anybody, anytime, anywhere. When he was a week old she dropped him off at my sisters for a week. Never called and checked on him or anything. Picked him up, and took to her Grandmas for another week. You get the point.

Now this lil guy is born with Downs, no one had any idea or suspected it. Now the Dad denies he could have a kid like that, and SD is so worried about the addicted BF, she doesn't care to go see baby.

For 4 weeks she has had people watch the 18 mo old claiming she was going to be with the baby, stay at ronald mcdonald house, the hospital is giving them $50 gas cards so they have gas to go see the baby, and they are using the gas cards to cruise around town, or I suspect selling them for cash. And the whole time, she is not doing what she says she is doing.

She has been asking me to watch the 18 mo old everyday for the last weeks claiming she was going to go see baby. I have been somewhat busy, so declined. I could have arranged my schedule, but since I know she isn't going to go see him, I haven't agreed to babysit or change my schedule.

Last night she calls at 11pm wanting me to drive her to hospital to see baby. I told her no. She called her 60 yr old gma, and she drove in 70 miles to pick her up, drove 50 miles to the hospital then drove 120 miles back home, getting home around 4am and agreed to watch the 18 mo old until Saturday nite, when another babysitter is to take over.

Somehow SD gets someone to bring her to town around 9am today, and calls her gma, who figures out she is not at hospital with new baby, and tells her to come pick up her son.

SD then begins a never ending barrage of calls and texts to me, asking me to watch him until sat, then fri night. She even comes to my house, just sure I am going to watch him, and tries to get me to take her side and be upset with her Grandma for not keeping the boy in the first place.

Finally...I just text her and said. NO, I am not watching your son. I am not being used so you can run around. I have my own children to care for. When you want to start taking care of the children you created, and quit pawning them off on others, I will be glad to help you out. She became furious, and was really not very nice to me. LOL.

Now, on Mothers Day she told me she never had a mom or a mom figure. When Downs baby was born, she excluded me from visitation list, so I can't even go see him, and she only calls me Mom when she wants something.

So my question is this....I feel absolutely ok with telling her no I will not be her stepping stone. I don't have any ill feelings about it, and I even pointed out she had a sitter, until she messed that up this morning.

My question....how do I be supportive of the fact she is wrapped up following her crack addicted boyfriend around and the insanity that goes with it, and be detached, with her understanding that I am here for her, when she wants to take care of her babies, and get rid of this low life??

Make sense?

I am just so sick of hearing her cry over his crap, and then putting him in front of her own flesh and blood children, especially now with a baby that needs her so very much.
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Old 06-17-2010, 06:43 PM
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You say it just like that. Tell her straight out that you are there for her, if and when she wants to take care of her babies, and gets rid of the so-called boyfriend; but until then, you will not help her continue living the life she is currently living. Sure, it might make her mad but so what? She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in.
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Old 06-17-2010, 06:56 PM
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i agree with suki.

the problem is, she won't hear you. you are speaking in a foreign language. she simply does not have the ability.

that 18-mo-old needs to be removed from her custody. if i were trying to think of ways to be helpful, that's where my mind would be going.

i'm sorry you have to witness this kind of abandonment.
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Old 06-17-2010, 07:09 PM
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You are absolutely within your right to say NO!

Has anyone thought to call CPS on this girl?

Seems to me that both the 18 month old and the newborn would be better off under the care of the state.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-17-2010, 07:11 PM
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aboutdone
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Yes, actually, I left that part out. Downs baby is supposed to come home Monday. I called the social worker at the NICU and told her what I see going on here, and that as much as I would like to help with baby, I am not allowed.

It took me awhile to make the call, because I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. I decided she can't handle the 18mo old, not alone the both of them. I expressed my concerns with the social worker, and told her I didn't feel that sending that baby home to them was in the best interest of the baby.

I also stated at best, she should find out who the baby would be pawned off on most of the time, and then ask that person to come it and become familiar with how to feed him through his feeding tube, and do his therapy.

I felt good after getting off the phone with her, as she was the one telling me she was giving them the gas cards and couldn't understand why they weren't coming to see the baby or be there for his surgery to put the feeding tube in.

I know I did the right thing, in the best interest of those little boys.

I just become frustrated at times, you know. When you listen to someone cry over and over and over about how bad their life is, but never EVEN TRY to do something different to change it.

Thanks for encouragement!
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Old 06-17-2010, 08:52 PM
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I have an AD 18 yrs old in an abusive relationship. Told her that I love her but will not help her in any way to live this lifestyle. I know the litle ones must make it even harder, but by refusing to help her u may be helping them in the long run. Have told my daughter that if she ever wants out of the drugs AND wants no contact w/ABF then we would help her. She knows what would have to happen. So hard..wish u the best..
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Old 06-17-2010, 09:14 PM
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OH my I am so sorry. I got teary eyed thinking of that newborn baby without anyone to hold and love him.

Do you think she is also doing drugs? do you want to take the baby in? I would call the social worker again and just see where they are at with it all. It would be so sad if the baby went home with her and got some kind of infection

Maybe giver her some information about Al-anon. Also, Social workers have a lot of resources and knowledge. Maybe you could ask the social worker to talk to her (about co-dependency, crack addicted BF, etc) She may be able to point her to some resources (counceling, etc). And that way it isn't coming from you. She may be more likely to hear it from someone else.

(((((hugs))))
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Old 06-17-2010, 09:21 PM
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aboutdone
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Thanks Daisy.

I did mention all of that to the case worker other than taking the baby in. Unfortunately for me that is not an option. I have a 16yo, 6 yo, 5 yo and 1 yo, I am 40, going back to school, and live in the same complex as SD. I do not have the physical or financial resources to take these little guys in at the moment. I am also still dealing with a child support modification with her Dad that is ongoing in the court system, and they would all view it as my attempt to manipulate a situation, which couldn't be farther from the truth.

I think the best think would be for social services to be involved and for me not to be. She really went off on me for quite awhile tonight in text messages, about how I was starting BS with her, because I wouldn't watch her son. I don't need that drama at my house everyday, because I took in her 2 children.

Sounds cold, I know, but I have to think of my kids needs first and what I can handle at this point.

I have no problem helping her out, and told her that, but just refuse to babysit her little guy while she is out probably trying to make yet another child. You know?

I will find out by Monday what happens with the social worker. Hopefully they get her some help.
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Old 06-17-2010, 09:36 PM
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I agree your kids need to come first. They need to feel safe and secure.

Would she ever consider adoption? I mean willingly? Hopefully the Social worker discusses that option with her.

Her "going off" on you is really her feeling convicted because she knows You are right.

Oh and you do not sound cold at all, you sound like you have clearly defined boundries....which is extremely healthy

Keep us posted
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Old 06-18-2010, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by aboutdone View Post

I think the best think would be for social services to be involved and for me not to be. She really went off on me for quite awhile tonight in text messages, about how I was starting BS with her, because I wouldn't watch her son. I don't need that drama at my house everyday, because I took in her 2 children.

Sounds cold, I know, but I have to think of my kids needs first and what I can handle at this point.
This does not sound cold to me, at all. This sounds warm, and loving, toward YOUR OWN children, who are the ones you ARE responsible for and whose needs YOU DO have jurisdiction over.

This is a loving but tough decision to make on THEIR behalf - to not bring into their lives the chaos and dysfunction and disruption of somebody ELSE'S problems, who is a legal adult.

We can't control or influence the whole world; we can only focus on our little part. You are doing that very well!

I feel very sad for the two precious little lives being devastated by this woman; you are right to share information on their behalf with the folks who have the legal authority to step in and make changes (social worker, CPS etc.). This, however, does not negate your right to keep your own children in a safe, consistent, and loving environment, and to guard your own limited resources so they are best invested in your own circumstances. It's a hard, stark truth.

Sending encouragement!

CLMI
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Old 06-18-2010, 06:11 AM
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Wow not sure what to say, I need to get out of this thread, I can feel my anger rising...someone somewhere needs to take care of that baby.
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Old 06-18-2010, 06:38 AM
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My comment is not going to be constructive but more angry; This is just proof that there are some humans on this crazy ball that should just not procreate.
What is a child doing have 2 kids and be able to be with an addict when she was 15

Having said this. you did the right thing.

I'm sorry, this makes me super judgmental and mental
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Old 06-18-2010, 06:39 AM
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and to add, she is just a KID herself. No wonder she cannot handle the effects of her grown up actions.

Someone needs to help this young woman
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Old 06-18-2010, 06:45 AM
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The social worker at the hospital may not be equipped to intervene in a child protection/neglect case. I would also call CPS (in addition to the call you've made to the SW at the NICU) and file a report.

I feel so very bad for those babies.. someone has to be a voice for them.
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Old 06-21-2010, 02:05 AM
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aboutdone
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Man, I am so ticked off at the moment.

I did not call CPS, however I did call the case worker at the hospital.

Today my 16yo called the 18yo as they are 1/2 sisters, and relatively close. She called to simply get her makeup and perfume back that SD had borrowed. SD was extremely rude to her, asked if she had talked to HER MOTHER, as if I am the enemy, and told her that I called social services on her, and now her children are going to have to go to a foster home, and that the boyfriend has to get daily UAs, and then hung up on her.

I took DD to WM and bought her new makeup and explained to her that I did not call CPS, but did express my concern to the case worker about the baby coming home tomorrow, as I don't think it is a good situation. Whatever the case worker did with it after that I do not know.

Apparently someone is lying in the mix. Supposedly the caseworker told SD that I called CPS. It was suggested that I call them. From both her and posts on here. I was considering it, but did not.

Now tonight, I find out SD called PD about some stolen stereo equipment from her car, and after the investigation they determined her BF sold it, while he had posession of the car and then claimed it was stolen.

I also heard from a neighbor that SD and BF was sitting in her apt last week getting high as a kite and her downstairs neighbor knocked on the door to ask them to stop smoking in the apt as he has little kids and he didn't want that in the same building as them, and he seen them both doing it.

WTH is wrong with people? I should know better than this next question, but seriously at some point, don't you think she has to start realizing there is no one to blame here but herself???

I want so badly to call her, or knock on her door, and tell her I didn't freaking call CPS, even though I think that is the best thing that could have happened for the boys. Then the other side of me, the smart part, says just to let it go. Who cares what she thinks.

It just seriously burns my butt that I make a call, voice a concern, and stop enabling her from using me, and NOW, its all my fault that CPS is involved and of course she is an innocent victim.

I'm at a point with her, that she is 1 person I just don't need the BS from anymore. I get so sick and tired of the drama, and yes, I know she is 18, and she has a lot on her plate, but she made the decision both times to get pregnant. They were not accidents. Both times she did it trying to trap this crack head BF of hers, that isn't worth the space he consumes most days.

Now to top it all of, the father of my oldest 3 children, which is SD Dad as well, has completely cut off my 16yo. Took her car away from her claiming he can't afford it, as I took him back for a child support increase, which was ordered, he hasn't paid, and then just went back to court for him filing a modification decrease. He has NOTHING to do with her, as claims she acts just like me, but yet, he continues to pay for insurance, gas for SD car that he bought her, he pays her rent, her utilities, pays for her hair to be done every 6 weeks, hands her money every single time she asks for it, and in the process is fulling supporting her and her BF and their running around activities. UGH!

Sorry had to get that off my chest.

I'm the type of person that just wants to tell SD and the Dad how screwed up they are, even though I know it wouldn't do me a darn bit of good.

I am usually pretty good at sorting this stuff out, but, today it has just gotten out of control, as now my 16yo is being dragged into it, and I am just so tired of her having to pay the price for things she doesn't have anything to do with.
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