Letting go without giving up hope? Help, please.
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Letting go without giving up hope? Help, please.
Letting go emotionally and mentally is excruciating some days. I am trying to stay strong, but need help today. I have learned how important no contact is for me. I haven’t initiated contact at any point in the past, but I heard from XABF for a second time last week, and because of what he said, I felt that I needed to respond. He says he is going to AA three times a week and has a sponsor. He told me, among many other things in his second very, very long email, “Mark my words…I am going to be clean and God is going to be part of my life, and when that day comes I am going to ask you for another try at what we had.” His email was humble and the hurt and raw feelings he expressed seemed to be genuine. But…
I am struggling with a few things. I need some help from those of you who have fought your own drug and alcohol addictions. My trust is gone, and I have no idea how to separate truth from manipulation. I don’t even know if it’s possible. Even though there was a raw sincerity to the things he said, I don’t know what to believe. Not everything an addict says is a lie, right? At the point where an addict makes a commitment to choosing healing, there must be some truth to what an addict says when he is reaching out to people, right?
I told him I was happy for him, and proud of him, and if he wants my love, he will always be able to carry it in his heart, but that I have put my focus on my own happiness and healing, and that I am working on following God’s lead in my life. I said I have learned that the best thing I can do for him is to love him from a distance and without any contact right now. I said I have learned that I need to let him heal for himself and by himself, understanding that his healing needs to be his choice and for him, not because he wants to have me back in his life. His email made it sound like this was something that he already understands. Did I say too much, not enough, the right things, the wrong things? How do you let an addict know that you love and support him without making yourself vulnerable?
I struggle because I know that if he is not lying to me, it will be many, many months or years before the evidence of his commitment will be there, and even then, he has a lifetime to face as an addict. He understands this because it was one of the things he brought up in his email. I understand that I don’t have to make any commitment to him and he didn’t ask me to. The deep struggle for me is that I prayed daily for his healing for two years, fully believing that it would happen. Now that I have worked so hard at letting him go, how do I continue to do so without letting go of hope? Is it possible to let go of someone and still have hope at the same time???
There is another serious struggle for me. My replacement is still there. Although he told me, for a second time, that she is not who he wants to be with and that it was going to end soon, I still see her living at his place. My gut tells me that he is using her because he does not want to be alone. I know him well enough to know that he lives with a lot of pain and shame from his past…going home to an empty house would force him to face his thoughts alone. If he is serious about his own healing, this is something he will have to do eventually, right? And of course, if he has someone that will keep him company and have sex with him, well, what a convenient arrangement if she’s willing to allow herself to be used that way. I understand that addicts use people, and I can see that this is what he is doing to her. The reason this matters to me is that he is sending me huge messages of his inability to be trusted. I told him in my response that it was wrong for him to be in a relationship with someone while telling me, behind her back, how I am who he thinks about and how he prays that we will be together again someday. I told him that it was dishonest and that I wouldn’t participate in the deceit, and to not contact me anymore. He responded that he would respect my wishes and there has been no communication between us since then.
Yes, he could very well be trying to control me emotionally because he hasn’t had any reaction or communication from me for nearly two months now, except for the brief message I sent him that I have shared with you. Or he could be sincere about his desire to beat his addictions and get help for his underlying issues. Or maybe it’s both. I don’t know. And that is the reason I struggle. How do I let go without giving up hope? In my prayers every day, I give him to God, and say, “He is your son, please take care of him. You love him and know him like no one else. You know his needs. Please bless and protect him.”
I keep working on my own healing, especially focusing on my abandonment issues. There is a lot that I have to work through for myself, and I am still facing the hard work and trying to tackle it daily. I am working hard to get my life and happiness back. Today has just been a hard, painful day.
I am struggling with a few things. I need some help from those of you who have fought your own drug and alcohol addictions. My trust is gone, and I have no idea how to separate truth from manipulation. I don’t even know if it’s possible. Even though there was a raw sincerity to the things he said, I don’t know what to believe. Not everything an addict says is a lie, right? At the point where an addict makes a commitment to choosing healing, there must be some truth to what an addict says when he is reaching out to people, right?
I told him I was happy for him, and proud of him, and if he wants my love, he will always be able to carry it in his heart, but that I have put my focus on my own happiness and healing, and that I am working on following God’s lead in my life. I said I have learned that the best thing I can do for him is to love him from a distance and without any contact right now. I said I have learned that I need to let him heal for himself and by himself, understanding that his healing needs to be his choice and for him, not because he wants to have me back in his life. His email made it sound like this was something that he already understands. Did I say too much, not enough, the right things, the wrong things? How do you let an addict know that you love and support him without making yourself vulnerable?
I struggle because I know that if he is not lying to me, it will be many, many months or years before the evidence of his commitment will be there, and even then, he has a lifetime to face as an addict. He understands this because it was one of the things he brought up in his email. I understand that I don’t have to make any commitment to him and he didn’t ask me to. The deep struggle for me is that I prayed daily for his healing for two years, fully believing that it would happen. Now that I have worked so hard at letting him go, how do I continue to do so without letting go of hope? Is it possible to let go of someone and still have hope at the same time???
There is another serious struggle for me. My replacement is still there. Although he told me, for a second time, that she is not who he wants to be with and that it was going to end soon, I still see her living at his place. My gut tells me that he is using her because he does not want to be alone. I know him well enough to know that he lives with a lot of pain and shame from his past…going home to an empty house would force him to face his thoughts alone. If he is serious about his own healing, this is something he will have to do eventually, right? And of course, if he has someone that will keep him company and have sex with him, well, what a convenient arrangement if she’s willing to allow herself to be used that way. I understand that addicts use people, and I can see that this is what he is doing to her. The reason this matters to me is that he is sending me huge messages of his inability to be trusted. I told him in my response that it was wrong for him to be in a relationship with someone while telling me, behind her back, how I am who he thinks about and how he prays that we will be together again someday. I told him that it was dishonest and that I wouldn’t participate in the deceit, and to not contact me anymore. He responded that he would respect my wishes and there has been no communication between us since then.
Yes, he could very well be trying to control me emotionally because he hasn’t had any reaction or communication from me for nearly two months now, except for the brief message I sent him that I have shared with you. Or he could be sincere about his desire to beat his addictions and get help for his underlying issues. Or maybe it’s both. I don’t know. And that is the reason I struggle. How do I let go without giving up hope? In my prayers every day, I give him to God, and say, “He is your son, please take care of him. You love him and know him like no one else. You know his needs. Please bless and protect him.”
I keep working on my own healing, especially focusing on my abandonment issues. There is a lot that I have to work through for myself, and I am still facing the hard work and trying to tackle it daily. I am working hard to get my life and happiness back. Today has just been a hard, painful day.
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Originally Posted by HealingWillCome 
I told him in my response that it was wrong for him to be in a relationship with someone while telling me, behind her back, how I am who he thinks about and how he prays that we will be together again someday. I told him that it was dishonest and that I wouldn’t participate in the deceit, and to not contact me anymore.
I found his heart-felt email to you rather noble, but upon reading that he's living with another woman, I smacked my own forehead and remembered that words, however lovely, are just words. Actions speak way louder. So as much as he is "respecting your wishes" and saying he'll *someday* win back your love and trust, *right now* he's shacked up with someone else all the while making these grand old statements.
Do you really want this person back in your life and in your arms?
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Hi HWC,
So, so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. What can I say...some days are tougher than others. I struggle with the sincerity vs. manipulation thing a lot with my
sister. In the past, I've gone back to trusting her and opening my life back to her, only to find that she wasn't serious about recovery and she went back to her old ways. I've since realized that the best thing for me is to wait until she finds recovery and sticks with it; I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is actively drinking until then.
It's tough. Take it one day at a time, and know that just because he chose to contact you, doesn't mean you have to make the choice to contact him back. Do what is best for you right now, today, at this moment. If it means not contacting him, then delete his email / voicemail / whatever and/or any other ways he's contacted you.
Maybe he genuinely is getting his act together, but that's for him to sort out and work through for a long time.
Maybe some recovering addicts will chime in on this one.
Sending you hugs.
So, so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. What can I say...some days are tougher than others. I struggle with the sincerity vs. manipulation thing a lot with my
sister. In the past, I've gone back to trusting her and opening my life back to her, only to find that she wasn't serious about recovery and she went back to her old ways. I've since realized that the best thing for me is to wait until she finds recovery and sticks with it; I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is actively drinking until then.
It's tough. Take it one day at a time, and know that just because he chose to contact you, doesn't mean you have to make the choice to contact him back. Do what is best for you right now, today, at this moment. If it means not contacting him, then delete his email / voicemail / whatever and/or any other ways he's contacted you.
Maybe he genuinely is getting his act together, but that's for him to sort out and work through for a long time.
Maybe some recovering addicts will chime in on this one.
Sending you hugs.
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Do you really want this person back in your life and in your arms?
I'm no angel!
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All I can say is that my ex always played both ends against the middle, he always wanted a fall back position, someone/somewhere to go to, if, his current deal wasn't going his way.
He is living with someone else, my gut tells me that all is not perfect in his world right now, hence, he contacts you.
If it were me, I'd go back to no contact, I feel that he is trying to play you.
Just my thoughts,
Dolly
He is living with someone else, my gut tells me that all is not perfect in his world right now, hence, he contacts you.
If it were me, I'd go back to no contact, I feel that he is trying to play you.
Just my thoughts,
Dolly
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My replacement is still there. Although he told me, for a second time, that she is not who he wants to be with and that it was going to end soon, I still see her living at his place.
He is LIVING with another woman while declaring his love for you? He claims to be on the road to recovery yet his level of honesty to himself and others is nonexistent.
NC, 100%.
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Originally Posted by Still Waters
Do not pass Go, do not collect empathy/sympathy/anything.
He is LIVING with another woman while declaring his love for you? He claims to be on the road to recovery yet his level of honesty to himself and others is nonexistent.
NC, 100%.
He is LIVING with another woman while declaring his love for you? He claims to be on the road to recovery yet his level of honesty to himself and others is nonexistent.
NC, 100%.
Still Waters, it helps to hear you point out that he claims to be trying to recover...yet there is no honesty to himself or others. True recovery requires honesty, right? That's a concrete point that I needed to hear.
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Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
No, Noday, right now I don't and I have thought about this a lot...because his new relationship has brought a whole new truckload of baggage into our relationship...baggage that I don't know if I could ever forget. It has destroyed any last shred of trust I had.
Hi Healing,
I really liked your prayer you say for him. You and I are in a similar situation. I am in NC with my XAGF who is now living with another man. She has abandoned her recovery.
She has contacted me twice or maybe three times I don't know. She has gone back to her "sick" way of thinking. Even though it has been less than a month since this took place, each phone call or text reminds me of those feelings I had when I was with her and how bad they were. I have blocked her off all my ways of contact. She was paranoid about something last night and left a message for me. After deleting the message, I told her that her emergencies and drama are now that of her new boyfriend.
She and I were very close for a long time, she is not the same person I knew before, and my trust in her is no more. Until I get to the point where I can look her in the face again, there will be no "her" in my life.
I spent too much time worrying about her, and it feels good not to do it anymore.
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HWC--you are right. Recovery cannot come without honesty.
I have been there-slightly different situation but has all the same ingredients. Lies, manipulation, expressions of love and commitment covered with more lies and manipulation.
100% NC--walk away. You deserve more than even an word of the "promises" he is making.
Our recovery cannot come without honesty too--that is one thing I need to remind myself often. Take care of you and let him take care of him.
I have been there-slightly different situation but has all the same ingredients. Lies, manipulation, expressions of love and commitment covered with more lies and manipulation.
100% NC--walk away. You deserve more than even an word of the "promises" he is making.
Our recovery cannot come without honesty too--that is one thing I need to remind myself often. Take care of you and let him take care of him.
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Originally Posted by FarawayFromCars
Hi HWC,
So, so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. What can I say...some days are tougher than others. I struggle with the sincerity vs. manipulation thing a lot with my
sister. In the past, I've gone back to trusting her and opening my life back to her, only to find that she wasn't serious about recovery and she went back to her old ways. I've since realized that the best thing for me is to wait until she finds recovery and sticks with it; I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is actively drinking until then.
So, so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. What can I say...some days are tougher than others. I struggle with the sincerity vs. manipulation thing a lot with my
sister. In the past, I've gone back to trusting her and opening my life back to her, only to find that she wasn't serious about recovery and she went back to her old ways. I've since realized that the best thing for me is to wait until she finds recovery and sticks with it; I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is actively drinking until then.
It is the very distant future that I struggle with. I am afraid to let go 100% and lose all hope if, in fact, someday there is some kind of miracle healing within him, and all of the things he says he wishes for are true. I just don't know.
The truth is that it really shouldn't matter. If my trust is fully in God, my HP, then HE will show me what is right for my future, right? He knows what is best, not me. Even if I give up hope now, HE will show me what is right if I live the life I'm supposed to live in the meantime. And I don't want to pass up something really wonderful along the way by not fully letting go of this relationship. My focus needs to stay on my own healing.
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Allow me to challenge your thinking a bit.
Why do you equate letting go with giving up hope? Why do you not believe it is possible to let go and still maintain hope?
When I looked at that question for myself, I found that my definition of 'hope' needed examination. Somewhere, deep down, I felt that I had some part to play in his recovery. As if letting him live his own life was somehow denying him my 'assistance' in getting sober.
From where I sit now, I do not see hope and letting go as mutually exclusive. Having hope for another's recovery has absolutely nothing to do with me being in their life or not, having contact or not. So, maybe the struggle is not 'giving up hope' on him, but more like letting go of what you want from him. i.e. a relationship?
L
Why do you equate letting go with giving up hope? Why do you not believe it is possible to let go and still maintain hope?
When I looked at that question for myself, I found that my definition of 'hope' needed examination. Somewhere, deep down, I felt that I had some part to play in his recovery. As if letting him live his own life was somehow denying him my 'assistance' in getting sober.
From where I sit now, I do not see hope and letting go as mutually exclusive. Having hope for another's recovery has absolutely nothing to do with me being in their life or not, having contact or not. So, maybe the struggle is not 'giving up hope' on him, but more like letting go of what you want from him. i.e. a relationship?
L
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Having hope for another's recovery has absolutely nothing to do with me being in their life or not, having contact or not. So, maybe the struggle is not 'giving up hope' on him, but more like letting go of what you want from him. i.e. a relationship?
L
L
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Okay. So let me challenge you a little more.
What does it mean to you, letting go of him and his promises? Does it mean that it will never happen? That what he is saying will never come true? How does you believing it or not affect the outcome?
Hope is a wonderful thing. It can harm us when we allow it to dictate our actions, though. So, if you go about your life, not knowing what will happen years down the road, that doesn't mean you are giving up hope. It just means that 'hope' is in it's proper place. It's not controlling your life.
I hope someday I will win the lottery. Just because I live as though it may not happen, doesn't mean I've given up hope.
L
What does it mean to you, letting go of him and his promises? Does it mean that it will never happen? That what he is saying will never come true? How does you believing it or not affect the outcome?
Hope is a wonderful thing. It can harm us when we allow it to dictate our actions, though. So, if you go about your life, not knowing what will happen years down the road, that doesn't mean you are giving up hope. It just means that 'hope' is in it's proper place. It's not controlling your life.
I hope someday I will win the lottery. Just because I live as though it may not happen, doesn't mean I've given up hope.
L
To thine own self be true.
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HealingWillCome,
I understand firsthand all the questions you have posed in your post and I especially understand your wanting to hold onto hope. I have suffered through this many times myself. Let me tell you this much:
1. It does not matter what they SAY, and listening to them will only keep you stuck in it emotionally. Detachment, in large part, is EMOTIONAL detachment. The addict/alcoholic instinctively knows this and exploits your feelings, your love, your loyalty, your commitment, your hope. This is why No Contact is so important. The healthiest No Contact also means not reading his words, regardless of whether or not you respond to them. Because honestly, you can never really know whether or not he is trying to manipulate you. But, PAST behavior is the BEST predictor of FUTURE behavior.
2. In all matters in dealing with anyone, really, including alcoholics and addicts, trust your instincts. That is one thing we have to re-learn when we have gotten away from people we are codependent with. We have to re-teach ourselves that our GUT speaks the truth. You already KNOW your truth; now start BELIEVING in yourself and your ability to see the truth.
3. I am an alcoholic and, although I cannot speak for ALL alcoholics, I can say from my experiences with other truly Recovery-minded alcoholics, we do not go around promising our sobriety to ANYONE, because even we are unsure of our sobriety.
4. Recovery, including YOUR Recovery, is a PROCESS. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and explore things by talking to other people like you are on SR, and by reading as much as you can about these topics. It is a growth process as much as it is a healing process. Please make sure you are going to Al-Anon and working on yourself and your life in other ways. Healthy HOPE is the hope for YOUR Recovery and a better life for YOU. What he does is really unimportant.
5. I am so glad you have faith in a Higher Power. Now, as much as you pray for HIM, pray for YOU. You are the most important person in your life. Please treat yourself as well as you treated him. Keep hope in your heart for the promises that your Higher Power has made to you, not the promises some drunk guy has made to you.
Take good care of yourself
I understand firsthand all the questions you have posed in your post and I especially understand your wanting to hold onto hope. I have suffered through this many times myself. Let me tell you this much:
1. It does not matter what they SAY, and listening to them will only keep you stuck in it emotionally. Detachment, in large part, is EMOTIONAL detachment. The addict/alcoholic instinctively knows this and exploits your feelings, your love, your loyalty, your commitment, your hope. This is why No Contact is so important. The healthiest No Contact also means not reading his words, regardless of whether or not you respond to them. Because honestly, you can never really know whether or not he is trying to manipulate you. But, PAST behavior is the BEST predictor of FUTURE behavior.
2. In all matters in dealing with anyone, really, including alcoholics and addicts, trust your instincts. That is one thing we have to re-learn when we have gotten away from people we are codependent with. We have to re-teach ourselves that our GUT speaks the truth. You already KNOW your truth; now start BELIEVING in yourself and your ability to see the truth.
3. I am an alcoholic and, although I cannot speak for ALL alcoholics, I can say from my experiences with other truly Recovery-minded alcoholics, we do not go around promising our sobriety to ANYONE, because even we are unsure of our sobriety.
4. Recovery, including YOUR Recovery, is a PROCESS. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and explore things by talking to other people like you are on SR, and by reading as much as you can about these topics. It is a growth process as much as it is a healing process. Please make sure you are going to Al-Anon and working on yourself and your life in other ways. Healthy HOPE is the hope for YOUR Recovery and a better life for YOU. What he does is really unimportant.
5. I am so glad you have faith in a Higher Power. Now, as much as you pray for HIM, pray for YOU. You are the most important person in your life. Please treat yourself as well as you treated him. Keep hope in your heart for the promises that your Higher Power has made to you, not the promises some drunk guy has made to you.
Take good care of yourself
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L, thank you for those questions...
No, letting go of him and his promises doesn't mean that it will never happen. If I'm being honest, my fear is that he will find his miracle and road to recovery and I won't be around anymore to share it...but I think I understand your point which is that whether I hope for something or not, it won't change the outcome. If he does find his recovery, I may have moved on by then...which, if I'm being honest...isn't a bad thing, I get that. It means I will have found my peace and happiness which is what I'm working for right now, so that is okay.
I can still have hope for him and I...and still move on and live a happy life. Like hoping to win the lottery, but still keeping your finances in order... especially when you consider the odds of winning the lottery...
No, letting go of him and his promises doesn't mean that it will never happen. If I'm being honest, my fear is that he will find his miracle and road to recovery and I won't be around anymore to share it...but I think I understand your point which is that whether I hope for something or not, it won't change the outcome. If he does find his recovery, I may have moved on by then...which, if I'm being honest...isn't a bad thing, I get that. It means I will have found my peace and happiness which is what I'm working for right now, so that is okay.
I can still have hope for him and I...and still move on and live a happy life. Like hoping to win the lottery, but still keeping your finances in order... especially when you consider the odds of winning the lottery...
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
HealingWillCome,
Keep hope in your heart for the promises that your Higher Power has made to you, not the promises some drunk guy has made to you.
Keep hope in your heart for the promises that your Higher Power has made to you, not the promises some drunk guy has made to you.
To thine own self be true.
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Thank you HealingWillCome! I am going to look Jeremiah 29:11 up tonight before I go to sleep. I will be thinking of you when I read it and I will say a prayer for you :O) Remain strong through the pain and keep your head held high, I am rooting for you!
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Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
I told him I was happy for him, and proud of him, and if he wants my love, he will always be able to carry it in his heart, but that I have put my focus on my own happiness and healing, and that I am working on following God’s lead in my life.
Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
My trust is gone, and I have no idea how to separate truth from manipulation. I don’t even know if it’s possible. Even though there was a raw sincerity to the things he said, I don’t know what to believe. Not everything an addict says is a lie, right? At the point where an addict makes a commitment to choosing healing, there must be some truth to what an addict says when he is reaching out to people, right?
Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
There is another serious struggle for me. My replacement is still there. Although he told me, for a second time, that she is not who he wants to be with and that it was going to end soon, I still see her living at his place. My gut tells me that he is using her because he does not want to be alone. I know him well enough to know that he lives with a lot of pain and shame from his past…going home to an empty house would force him to face his thoughts alone. If he is serious about his own healing, this is something he will have to do eventually, right? And of course, if he has someone that will keep him company and have sex with him, well, what a convenient arrangement if she’s willing to allow herself to be used that way.
So my response to AH's comments about leaving his GF were significantly less enlightened than your comments regarding your XABF's recovery and possible future reconciliation. Mine was: "Mmm hmm, that's nice. Forgive me if I say I'll believe it when I see it. It's your actions and not your words that I'll believe."
I'm re-reading my typing here, I think maybe I'm coming across as bitter. Sometimes I am. Right now I'm just done with dealing with him more than I absolutely have to. And all I have to do is respond 'yes' or 'no, we have plans' when he actually calls to ask if he can see our son.
I'm done. I've reached my limit. (Finally) It's really up to you on what your limit is and where you'll place the talk vs. actions on the priority list.
So I'm not really offering any information on letting go without losing hope in the manner you may mean. I can say I've let go and now I have hope for building a great future for myself and my son.
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty
Healing, that's a truly amazing statement. I am no where near ready to tell my AH that I'm happy or proud of him, I'm just not there yet. I still have a hard time seeing past the deluded, lying, cheating s---head he's become.
I just told PraiseHim this in another thread, but I keep having to say to myself, "I would rather be alone with my self-respect and dignity than in a relationship where I am not equally loved." I have said that over and over, probably a thousand times the last few days.
You sound strong. You are letting your reality checks and the big, honest picture guide you in the right direction. You and your son deserve great things!
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
HealingWillCome,
But, PAST behavior is the BEST predictor of FUTURE behavior.
But, PAST behavior is the BEST predictor of FUTURE behavior.
It is so very easy to want to believe their words, but to add my 2 cents...it has been my experience with addicts, they can say anything in a text, voice message, or email. Anything. You know why??
Because you can not read them, as you do face to face. Their addiction knows this. They can say the most sincere apologetic thing you have ever heard, but honestly, would you believe what anyone said through an email, text or voice mail? Wouldn't you prefer a face to face conversation?
I strongly agree with the no contact. I am not endorsing a face to face conversation by any means. Just expect that any form other than face to face has lie or manipulation written all over it.
When they truly are working a program, getting sober, etc, they will know what to do. They will KNOW that their words mean nothing, and their actions mean everything. They will know that making amends is important but most will do it face to face. If he is sincere, he will move out or the OW will move out. Its just that simple. If he truly wants you, and believes that someday things may work out, he will get rid of her, as there will be no room in his life for anything other than thoughts of sobriety and you.
As much as we want to believe the words and the sincerity, you must sort out the BS from the reality. He may very well miss you. He may very well love you. He, however, hasn't either found the sobriety he is speaking of doing and maintaining, or he doesn't know how you deserve to be treated, and either way it is his problem, not yours.
Hang in there. :bounce
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