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Just drank again -- ugh

Old 06-17-2010, 12:10 PM
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Just drank again -- ugh

Well, I'm back on Day 1.

I'm sorry for letting down this community and for harming my body yet again.

Last night I had the overwhelming sensation of what I call "squeezebox heart" -- unbearable anxiety and tightness in the chest. The only way I know how to deal with it is to drink, so that's what I did.

What's most troubling to me is that I didn't call my sponsor before I drank, I didn't even try to go to a meeting, because I didn't want to be talked out of it -- I just wanted the wine.

I'm so angry with myself. I'm sorry to all of you.

GG
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Old 06-17-2010, 12:30 PM
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Hey bro, welcome back.
This is alcoholism, and if that's what you have, you didn't disappoint anyone here. I'm glad you still want help. That's the first step to getting help. You gotta want it. But evidently something more has to happen to keep that overwhelming desire for a drink from taking over. There are AA meetings, professional help, church, SR, just keep looking and you'll find what fits for you, but if it's not working seek farther, don't stop before the miracle happens. God Bless
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Old 06-17-2010, 12:35 PM
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i've done my almost
 
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You need to be sorry to yourself, not to us.
You're letting yourself down, not us.

I had a few false starts, but "relapse" doesn't need to be a part of getting and staying sober. One of my false starts or "relapses" resulted in another dui, so they are not without serious consequences.

The good news is...you never have to drink again.

The fact that you are coming here and in AA is a good sign. Keep trying, go get that white chip, and step up your recovery efforts.

What are you going to do to step up and stay sober today?
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Old 06-17-2010, 12:38 PM
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You're back here - that is still facing up to it. Good luck xx
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:02 PM
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Thanks for the support. Kjell, the frustrating thing is that I don't have a plan.

I am at work suffering from shaking and overwhelming nausea. The last time I kept drinking because that was the only way I knew to stave it off. The nausea is the worst part. I can't stop throwing up.

I'm so afraid to tell my sponsor. She went to rehab and never relapsed. So why am I so defective? Why can't I just get it? I also can't tell my boyfriend because last time I relapsed he got really angry with me for leaning on him too hard, and his grandmother is extremely ill so I don't want to burden him with more. But I feel so alone.

I have a meeting tonight. Hopefully that will help my resolve. Thanks to all of you for being there.

GG
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:25 PM
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Been there, done that - just last weekend, actually.

We're sober today, let's keep it that way.

Big virtual hug!
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:32 PM
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Thanks guys. Really freaking out now. Overwhelming anxiety and nausea, and I haven't eaten since yesterday. Trying to at least keep water down. I wish I could just leave work but I can't. If you guys can stay sober, I can too -- at least that's what I keep telling myself.

GG
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:37 PM
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Come on you can do this. I did the same last Friday and am back to day 5. The thing is you've been big enough to admit it and come back. Tomorrows another day. Thank God for S.R
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:45 PM
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I also did the same last Sunday. If quitting was easy, we would all just stop, and there would not be an addiction recovery industry. We all just need to keep trying. Best wishes.
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:49 PM
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No need to apologize to anyone. I am wondering if it would not be better to address the underlying problem for wanting to drink... your anxiety (squeezebox heart). Anxiety can overwhelm you, and a good doc will offer alternative ways to help you solve this. Good luck and stay positive!
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:49 PM
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This is when "one day at a time" really comes into play. I know the guilt, shame, and remorse well from thinking I've failed, yet again...

The "how the hell am I going to stay sober for the rest of my life?" thoughts. The anxiety is almost unbearable.

This is where you need the help of your sponsor and the fellowship. Let them do your thinking for a bit and help you to get through these couple days.
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Old 06-17-2010, 04:23 PM
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There's no shame in coming back. Alcoholism is a humbling disease, but it's not who WE are. I agree with AWOL that a doctor may be able to help with the anxiety until you get some solid recovery time again. I hope you're feeling much better tomorrow.
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