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What is going on here???

Old 06-17-2010, 09:56 AM
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What is going on here???

Hey all,
Got a situation here I need some help with. It's a bit of a saga, so please bear with me. I stopped drinking two years ago for 8 months. No program, dry drunk. My wife who pleaded with me to get help, sat me down one day and told me she missed her beer in hand ,good time charlie husband. All I needed to hear. Fail Fail Fail. I write this as it sets the stage for the following.

After a 2 year struggle,I finally stopped drinking 3 weeks ago, now in it for the long haul, this time with a program, working the steps. What a difference!!! I'm really jazzed now because I realize the program really works! I shared this with my wife. A lot has happened since.

One week into my sobriety, she drops the divorce bomb. Wishes me luck in my recovery, doesn't love me anymore, has a right to be happy, wants to move on. Ok I'll deal with it. (life on life's terms).

My wife is not a drinker. Maybe 4 times a year she will order a beer when dining out, drink half, and order an iced tea. That's it. The Friday of Memorial day weekend, she comes home with an 18 pack. I ask what's this? " GOTTA have beer for Memorial day weekend".(a 4 YEAR supply for her). It's all still in the fridge. She didn"t have a one, but she made damn sure it's here. (doesn't bother me).

Last night she went to a company party. Drove home intoxicated, said she had a great time, and bitched about her hangover. In 15 years I've never seen her hungover.

So guys here's the question, What is going on here? I'm not trying to be judgemental, I don't expect anyone to change a thing cause I have a problem, I'm just quietly OBSERVING. What gives here? Does she want me to fail again, if so why? Justify the divorce in her mind?? , drive a wedge between me and the kids??, more ammo for divorce court?? Is she a codie without a project now??? I dunno, I smell a rat.

Anyone out there with some ESH can shine a spotlight on this for me??

Thank's so much.. hadit
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:04 AM
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I tried to write a message but not know what to say.

Hang on there. Perhaps put these beers in the bin, make them disappear. She wants divorce, what is your situation now?
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:09 AM
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I think you should sit down with her and ask her point blank. I mean, obviously something's going on with her wanting a divorce. But I'm thinking the same thing you are: it's almost like a deliberate attempt at something..... but why and for what? Hmmmm....... very puzzling.
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:12 AM
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Hey Handit

I have no idea what to say about what is going on. Something is a foot here.

Stay close to your kids.
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:27 AM
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What a confusing situation! I listened to a great AA speaker a couple of weeks ago who dropped a stray comment in the middle of his talk: "Sometimes they want us to keep drinking".

I'll just throw out a couple of things here: my husband didn't want me to quit because he wanted to hold on to his #1 drinking buddy, but he wanted me to quit because my life had become unmanageable and I was making our home life a complete mess. He is not an alcoholic either, but he married one.

Although most of us want to think that our partners will be overjoyed that we quit, it may not seem so to them, on a gut level. Maybe on the intellectual level they know it's right, but for many of them, they married us when we were drinkers. And the drunk is the familiar person.

It's very possible your wife is wondering who she is going to be married to now that she is not married to the drunk anymore. I went through some massive changes and they were not all pretty. My husband did try to sabotage my sobriety a few times and I can only guess that maybe he just wanted the old wife back.

When we get sober, it can be scary for our partners.

I'm guessing your wife is having mixed feelings. Maybe you were an unbearable dry drunk (I know I was), and she doesn't want to go through that again.
Maybe you should talk to her and explain that this time, you are feeling positive about your recovery and it's a good thing?
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:27 AM
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Ask her.

Ok, coming back to just add, it might help to start a dialouge about this. When is the divorce? Who's moving out? Her alcohol problems aren't really your business unless and until it might interfere w/ the kids, which I could imagine would be a concern w/ her drinking and driving. Hopefully next time she decides to do that, she gets pulled over. If she were to tell you "this is why I'm doing xyz.." would it matter? Protect your recovery.. and your children.
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:33 AM
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My spouse can be pretty insecure, and when i'm doing well and sober he has to face that not everything was the drunk's fault and he can't blame everything on me anymore.
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Old 06-17-2010, 12:56 PM
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My heart goes out to you man. I had my fair share of dry drunks during my marriage. After eleven months sober, in the program, working the steps, things go bad in the marriage. In my case it was because she was having an affair. Do not do what I did. I had a three day slip. I did however get back to the rooms and have 19 months sober.

I do hear a lot about people going through divorces after they get into the program. I've heard several reasons why, but one I hear more than any other. Control - most alcoholics are like another kid for their spouse to take care of, which gives them a lot of control in the day to day family decisions. Once we become more involved the fear of the loss of control hits them. While some are happy to finally have help with the family, others do not want to give up that control so they find a way out. That is what my ex did, and she used another man to do it.

So stay sober, be there for your children, and remember we are powerless over people too.

My ex did try to alienate me from my kids and move them away. She not only failed, but I share a closeness with my kids that I never have before. This would not be so if I were not actively involved in the program.

Good luck I hope things turn out for you.
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Old 06-17-2010, 01:21 PM
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Does she have a co-dependent personality? If so, she may have sought to control you through drinking, including reminding you that you were broken as a result, only to feel a loss of control when you stopped. Also, she may see you as weak for stopping.
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Old 06-17-2010, 02:06 PM
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Thanks for all the great replies everyone!,
So many different and worthy points to consider in each one, my head is spinning. very much appreciated!

After reading tkdan's post I think I should add that my wife is a self help guru. The house is full of self help books and tapes on all subjects ( great with me) but she freaks if there is not an ongoing problem for her to research and iron out. I have often told her, that if there was not a problem, she will create one. I think the subject of CONTROL is very much in play here, as well as the possibility of an affair.

The details of the divorce are these, according to her,
We can't afford it now, but it's going to happen this summer.
Our 2 incomes are barely enough for one house, let alone two.
We don't know who's moving out, or where the're going,

Now, here is the kicker,

"We are getting a divorce even if it means you have to stay here, we can still be friends, I'll live my life, you live yours" Didja ever???

For all the time I drank, she was online researching alcoholism. Printing out stacks of stuff for me to read, and pleading with me to get help. I just think it's weird, that for all her concern, the first time I quit, I allowed her to knock me out the box because she missed how "FUN" I was when drinking. Now that I am serious about sobriety again, she thinks it's great that I'm doing well, and informs me we're getting a divorce, and stocks the fridge with beer. ???

I dunno, It's ODAAT here, I'm just glad I'm sober and can deal with it like a grown up. I'm just puzzled to say the least, can't figure if she has an angle for all this, but I've got my eyes wide open for the next curve ball..

Thanks everyone!!....hadit
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Old 06-17-2010, 02:26 PM
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She's freaking out because you've taken control of your own life and it had nothing to do with her.

I'd move out, why let her dictate how you're going to divorce? That's asinine.
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Old 06-17-2010, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Raindance View Post
She's freaking out because you've taken control of your own life and it had nothing to do with her.
I tend to agree with this.



My ex, who is not really a drinker, showed up at rehab to visit me drunk. I don't know why she did it.

Life and let live.

Sounds like manipulation to me.
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Old 06-17-2010, 02:37 PM
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My spouse is a lot like that. I'm not a 21 year old flake anymore. I'm 33, getting my poop in a group, and you can tell it bothers him.
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Old 06-17-2010, 02:50 PM
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I'm sorry I don't have any good advice to offer, but just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and that it's great that you're staying sober.

I became a heavy drinker after my husband left (not that that is an excuse). A divorce is not easy for anyone. You sound like you are taking it very well, actually.

Hang in there. Like you say, ODAAT.

GG
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Old 06-17-2010, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by TwelveSteps View Post
Like you say, ODAAT.
Hey, I don't want to hijack this thread, but quick question - what does ODAAT mean?
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Old 06-17-2010, 03:00 PM
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As the person who shares a home with her you have every right to ask that there not be alcohol in the home. Especially given everything you have written about. All that beer in the fridge is just insanity. It is also cruel. Her behaviour is erratic but your not standing up for yourself does not help. Remember silence=acceptance? Do you really want all that beer in your fridge?! I am puzzled as to why you don't explain yourself to the self help guru. And I hope for all the best for you.

Hugs

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Old 06-17-2010, 03:02 PM
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ODAAT = one day at a time



GG
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Old 06-17-2010, 03:42 PM
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Not so sure its ESH, but it's experience....

Hadit -
A lot of your story sounded familiar. It took me back to a verrrrrrrrry sad time. I was in my alcoholism... I was a crappy husband..... my wife got a smile from her boss..... he seemed "normal," interested in here, happy to see her, and reasonably adjusted to life (none of which I was). Her affair lasted the last 2 or 3 years of our marriage - I wasn't aware of it. All I knew was she didn't give a damn about me..... She started
"working" late, hanging out with the girls from the office, doing a whooooole bunch of stuff that she'd never done in the 14 previous years. bla bla bla...... we got divorced and although it crushed me at the time, it was one of the better blessings I've ever received.

I tried to talk to her about what was going on and how our marriage felt like crap but I needed to get buzz on to muster up the courage for that conversation..........which, of course, almost always ended up in a fight.

I'd hiiiiiiighly suggest marriage counseling. It was too late for me when I went but maybe it isn't for you.
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Old 06-17-2010, 04:36 PM
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Daytrader,
whoa, you just posted my current life. actually busted her once. She said she just needed to spend some time to bounce all this off a friend ,(at his HOUSE) needed some companionship with someone "normal", and it was better than coming home to a drunk. All innocent, no worries. (ahem).

As far as the alcohol in the house, I will confront her about it, but for now my gut tells me to wait. I want to find out what, or who, I'm dealing with here, and why. I'm ok, no triggers or cravings. There was a time when I couldn't face a basket of dirty laundry without getting hammered. It's so empowering to handle all of this sober.

When I was drinking she was OBSESSED with my alcoholism/recovery. When I get serious about it, she plants land mines everywhere. It no longer bugs me that they are there, I just want to know WHY??? The theme of control, and fear of loss of control, and co dependent keep popping up. I'm just trying to understand her motives, and determine if I can honestly expect to ever be happy here.

Thank you all so much...hadit
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Old 06-17-2010, 04:46 PM
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Hi,

I'm glad you're staying sober through these difficulties.

Long before I started drinking, I was a control-freak and co-dependent. If I didn't have an issue to deal with, a problem to solve, something to worry about, I would lose my mind. Focusing on my family, meant that I didn't have to focus on myself. I could ignore my issues and worry about everyone else's. I suspect that your wife is afraid and the fact that you have no 'real' plan for the divorce to happen shows that. She knows you're changing big-time and doesn't know what to do. And, I think the fact that she continues to talk about living together with you, as friends, shows her confusion.

As others have said, talk to her. Pick a good time, and try to talk, and/or get counselling if you can.
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