heartbroken25

Hello again all,

I’m deeply sorry that I have been unable to provide any help thus far as you have all been quite helpful however I am having a difficult time coping with life lately so I feel very much unable to help anyone else when I have no idea how to help myself.

I have posted here only once before about a break up with my once perfect boyfriend of 6 years who after getting injured in Afghanistan became addicted to pain killers and in the past year went from a loving wonderful man to an abusive addict who cared bout nothing and no one but getting high. I am 25 years old and have struggled with an eat disorder for most of my young adult and teenage years. I met my ex when I was quite young but we didn’t become close until we started dating around the time I entered my freshmen year in college. At that point I weighed about 92 pounds (at 5’4) and had been battling the ED for 6 or 7 years.

My ex helped rebuild my self-esteem, I went the therapy for a while but I was extremely happy with my Ex and he loved me/my body and I began to define myself through him. I had no self confidence of my own but because my boyfriend loved my body (all 125 pounds of it) I started to accept myself more and eat normally. I’ve been healthy for a good three or four years now with no relapses.

But now he left me. It’s over. He doesn’t love me anymore, he doesn’t care AT ALL. And I was completely dependent on him for happiness and feeling good about myself. It’s awful I KNOW but it’s true. I feel like I have no CONTROL. Because I can’t make him love me and that’s the only thing I want. I am falling into those patterns again. I have not eaten in two days. And I have to say it feels good. It feels really good to have something I can control. Somewhere I can turn my anger, even if it’s on myself.

*I am MISERABLE with out him even though he is NOT the guy I fell in love with, he is dead gone, lost to the drugs but… that happy girl that I was with him is gone too. I will never be happy again, I will always live my life in semi darkness without him. There is no way in hell I will ever be as happy without him as I once was with him.

* I don’t really know what to do.

* I miss him so much. I need this… control over food I want to be thin again. It’s the only thing besides my ex that I can ever remember making me happy.

coffeedrinker

First of all, sweetheart, no need to apologize for not giving back. We come here broken and needing help; we give back when we are able.

I am concerned about your physical and emotional health. You at least have a great deal of awareness - that's gotta count for something.

I don't know firsthand about the ED you struggle with, but I do know that once someone is an alcohol addict, he/she can never ever drink again, without having serious consequences. If they have been in recovery, they have acquired tools to help them through life's tough times, without resorting to using their drug of choice.

Can you reach into your toolbelt and start pulling some things out?
Coming here is one of them

hello-kitty

I'm really glad you posted here. You are not alone.

Around here we have a saying "We need to work the recovery we wish they would work."

I think this is especially true in your case. Do you think you might have replaced your food addiction with an addiction to him? And now that he's gone, you've relapsed. But you can get back on track. You can feel in control without starving yourself.

Pick up the phone and call a professional for some help. Call a crisis line. Try an alanon meeting. Punishing yourself for his bad behavior isn't going to make things better. You can't change him. You can change you.

Sometimes the best revenge is a life well lived.

This is not your fault. I hope you will read and post more. We are here for you. We want to help.

Starburst

Hi, welcome back, i agree with the other posters. Please seek someone you can talk to. You are very sad right now and thats fine, grieving helps you to heal. You are special, don't let your XBF take away your power. I can't be of very much help, but want u to know we love you and i will be praying for you. Find something to do i.e. a new hobby, gardening, to give u something else to think about. Keep posting. (((HUGS)))

heartbroken25

I am a shy person. I am not close with many people. I live with roommates but mostly I keep to myself. I work full time so mostly that is the only time I get out. My X was really the only person I ever had a closer relationship with or felt connected to and it is very possible I replaced my addiction to starvation with an addiction to him. He meant the world to me that's why the past year hurt as badly as it did. You are all such wonderful p. I am feeling very sick...no wonder so I am going to go to bed early but I will try to keep y'all updated and will look into getting help it just feels useless because nothing will fix the fact that I lost the only thing that mattered

tam

Heartbroken, Im so sorry your going through this, but please know your not alone. we all feel your pain. My ah of 26 years was my BF too, an ex marine,loving loving guy. we did everything together and I too am shy and dont have many close friends that I socialize with, it was just him and me (and family). he too became addicted to pain meds (prescribed)
I want you to know that my ah left me too. I felt he didnt love me, I felt alone, I felt scared. I too couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt imagine life without him. Its the drug, it controls them, it changes them, its not us. we didnt do anything wrong. BUT it will destroy us as well and you need to reach out and talk to someone. I fought and fought and finally my boss took me to a therapist (he came to my house and physically took me) I talked to her for 2 hours, when we left I said to my boss, could you stop and get me pizza? he said a slice? I said no 4!! then I attended naranon and I cant tell you how it helped being there with other people who are going through the same thing.
Please seek professional help heartbroken and take care of you! keep reading posts here too it truly truly helps. sending you a huge HUG and wish you the best in recovery

katie53

your post brought back memories of my step-daughter. it's as though she wrote it. She to, lost her own identity for the man in her life, when he was gone, she lost herself. When she was with him, her emotional being depended solely on what was going on in the relationship. It took time and therapy to find herself and she now is a healthy weight and happy with herself. She told me once that she no longer depends on others for her happiness, she looks to others to ADD to her happiness. I hope that you wll find the help that you need so that you to can find the peace and contentment we all so deserve.

litehorse

I am so glad you reached out to express your hurt - that is a good step - and all the other steps everyone suggested will keep you going - please do the things that will bring healing to you - I pray you will explore the concept of a Higher Power which will give you a strength to look to that is beyond your ex and your ed - i will be praying for you

dkaye26

I know exactly how it feels to be left in favor of addiction. I am still going through a very, very difficult time. My exab was the love of my life, and now he's gone, and it feels like I'll never find someone I want to love as much as I loved him. I've never had an eating disorder but when I'm emotionally upset, I just don't want to eat. I lose weight and it looks bad. I'm too thin and my clothes start to get baggy. I can't sleep either! Hang in there and I'll say a prayer for you. This website has been so incredibly helpful. You do need to let the feelings out or they will tear you up on the inside.

Trying to keep my chin up too...and not liking it one bit!

newnormal4me

I'm in the throes of separating myself from my AH...I know how you feel right now. I also have been having a hard time making myself eat - maybe try not to assume it is the ED rearing it's head. I think it is a natural reaction to terrible stress to not eat. Some people eat and others don't when extreme stress hits. But, with that said, it is critical that you seek some help to keep it from advancing or happening at all. Hugs to you.

A lot of the advice you have been given is great. I'm a co-dependent and I'm starting to realize that I probably put my AH in a place where he defined me at times. I want away from that. I want to be where Katie's daughter is...to look to others to ADD to my happiness, not create it. I have a long way to go myself.

Stay strong and get the help that you need during this time! Take care.

ThatLittleGirl

Hi HB25...I'm sorry to hear you're falling back into your ED... I too had an ED for most of my twenties......at its worst I was 5'8" tall and weighed 110 lbs... Like you it was the only thing I felt I could control in a chaotic world...the only way I felt "good" about myself...or so I thought. It took years for me to realize I could be happy without this form of manipulation; that happiness comes from within...not who you're with. I heard the best saying today...Men are terrible at playing God...they will always let you down. That's so true...don't let him or anyone else have the controls to your happiness and self-worth... You don't have to let him drag you down with him...don't believe the hype you're telling yourself...there WILL be other relationships for you...with men who will cherish you... I would recommend meetings with others who have ED's like you who can relate...keep coming back here and getting the support you need...

Good luck and email anytime if you want to chat!!!