My story, his vodka
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 8
My story, his vodka
Its hard to know where to begin but I guess i shall start by letting you know I know no one has an answer that will fix everything. I just feel the need to share and to vent and to set things down.
He has always been a fairly heavy drinker though I guess at times I have been too. When we both worked cash was still tight though that was more his buying weed in but when there was none of that the vodka often showed up. He was always bad with cash and moderation. We worked through a lot together including some volatile arguments and we both dramatically cut down drinking though he still smoked more than I would like. Things were very much on the up for us though.
Then he lost his job. For along time drinking was no longer an issue at all. The shock triggered very severe anxiety/panic attacks/agoraphobia. I got him to the Dr's and on medication and we agreed drinking or smoking weed would be a bad idea in combination with his meds. It does mean he has been totally reliant on me for the last year and a half and we have worked with ups and downs to get him out and about. Having been a very social person before the anxiety etc was a real shock to him and removed his independence completely. In those early days just stepping out the front door could have him shaking in fear. On the plus side we don't really argue any more and have become far closer.
But .. i hear you cry what does this have to do with alcohol.
As always it started small. He missed being able to have the odd beer. (he also missed the odd smoke but i avoided those conversations) We looked into it and he decided that drinking in moderation once in a while would be ok.
Once in a while though began to creep up on us until it reached the point it started to bother me. (by now he could go to the local shop alone with and without the dog though no further without me) For all the important reasons but also because with him unable to work and me unable to leave him alone long periods (as he gets worse alone) the cash wasn't their to fund all these extra 'treats.' Time and time again i would say we only had a small amount of cash left for the week but the moment my back was turned a pack of beer bottle of vodka or occasionally a bag of weed would have appeared. Sometimes even out of cash earmarked for the rent.
This went on for a while with various stresses from me and brush offs or defensive behaviour from him.
As Christmas approached I knew the situation was getting steadily out of control. He would be certain often hed not had a drink for ages even if he had had one most days that week and even if he was spending cash he knew we didn't have on it. Leaving me stuck isolated, no cash to treat myself or make nice plans to help him get out places with me. Also now I was starting a long process of sorting out old debts and baliffs and what was to become a nightmare of paperwork with benefits. No room to vent or be angry as his condition was still fragile though we were seeing someone by this time.
I struck a deal.
I would relax a bit over Christmas and his birthday in Jan but after that i wanted him to stop drinking and focus on getting better. I never would have imagined the amount he would spend. I had a little cash for my 30th but apart from two cushions and a box of chocolate it was all absorbed to compensate for what he spent. His birthday rolled round and went and there seemed no sign of him slowing down. When he wasn't drinking or smoking he was grumpy, on edge, though claimed he was 'fine.' All this is of course on good days as on the bad his anxiety leaves him stuttery and insecure and is in fact far more open to me. Its heartbreaking but at these times i often feel he is dealing with his issues rather than hiding from them. Besides i find him irritating when drunk so we arent likely to communicate well then. We talked, I made it clear that this was a dangerous road and that it was taking us further from him being well and getting his life back.
He agreed to stop.
For a long time he had the odd beer with his friend when he visited or a glass of wine with a meal.
We still seemed to have less cash than we should though and many nights he seemed wierd. Distant, stupid, even slurred. This he tried to pin on our gas heater being faulty. hmm. I also sometimes could have sworn i could smell vodka. Ignoring the obvious I decided it was a mystery.
Until......
I cant recall now what train of events led to all those signals finally clicking in my brain. I do know it was enough to make me ask myself.... where would he hide something. Sure enough i found about 8 empty vodka bottles in his desk drawers.
I spent hours wondering what to do at this point. If to say something, when, how, what. Knowing we had an appointment with his mental health practitioner the next day i decided to raise the issue. He was relieved. NO anger or denial, he took me round the home to show me all his hiding places pulling out several more bottles along the way.
We discussed it at our appointment the next day but it got rather overshadowed. A week or two before on his trip home from the one shop he can reach alone he was held up at gunpoint. He was asked to try and record a diary of drinking or urges to drink for next month but the main focus was teh recent incident and its effects on his condition. His drinking continues to be too much but was more in the open.
Well.....
I have found the odd bottle here and there.. its amazing he can still go to the shops alone (though using a different and longer route)
So we come slowly to this week. I was a little silly and bent the budget a bit and let him have a bag of weed at the weekend. This left us short on cash and as i said hes hopeless with it and had spent a lot more than he said he had. This left us painfully short with a very small amount remaining for the rest of this week. The long months before having exhausted all and any emergency fund and our overdraft.
All seemed well though the usual moan that he fancied a beer. He had been to the shop earlier to put electric on our meter which was £10 of the $16 or 17 we had remaining. When he came to bed though he breathed on me. I hate the smell of vodka and i hate that he sprawls mumbles and sometimes lashes out when passed out drunk.
So up I got to find an empty bottle badly concealed in a cupboard and that last bit of cash to feed us for a week all gone.
This is by no means a new situation or an unfamiliar sinking feeling. Its just the first where it has left us completely out of a way to get by financially.
He knows its bad for his health, he knows it holds him back from getting better, he knows it hurts me.
I also know that he sometimes feels like it is his only release from the constant feeling on anxiety and panic.
I know he usually drinks if i go out at all, the only time i recall him not i had all the cash and cards with me. He was a wreck when i got home. That may be because between the attempted mugging and that night a drunk had forced entry into our home of course.
So here i am having given over a year to being completely responsible for keeping us going keeping my positive face on. I can handle helping him recover from the anxiety, I can be there and i can help him find his way back out there. We had made so much progress. I can give my time to taking him places.
This though is not a battle I can fight at all. Its not my war and I know I have no say in it.
I get angry of course. Angry that it will make him ill, angry that he's being selfish, angry that I simply cannot treat myself at all as he wont slow down just cause I spend a little extra on myself, angry that I'm scared to leave him home alone. Angry at the lies and deceit that come with covering his tracks. Frustrated that he's come so far and he's risking throwing that all away again. Frustrated that its hard to even mention drinks or cash as he becomes defensive and moody.
Unless he can tell the cracks are showing and I am really upset. Then his anxiety kicks and and its shaking and stuttering. He doesnt want to hurt me and he doesn't want to loose me. Hes drowning and hiding from all the things he needs to face to become the vibrant cheeky confident man he once was.
He is a good man and a strong one and he has fought so hard over these tough times. I know he doesn't give in every time. He does whitewash his memory to make himself think he drinks less than he does. He never completed that diary and sugar coated the truth at his next appointment. He is due to start CBT soon and I am worried he wont get the help needed due to lies.
So many other things i have had to deal with seem easy in comparison because i could DO SOMETHING.
This isn't my war and its breaking my heart watching it cause I am terrified he wont win.
My apologies for the long winded post which i still somehow feel doesnt convey it all quite right. I guess you cant put your heart on a screen so easily you can just offer what you have and hope someone can read between the lines.
He has always been a fairly heavy drinker though I guess at times I have been too. When we both worked cash was still tight though that was more his buying weed in but when there was none of that the vodka often showed up. He was always bad with cash and moderation. We worked through a lot together including some volatile arguments and we both dramatically cut down drinking though he still smoked more than I would like. Things were very much on the up for us though.
Then he lost his job. For along time drinking was no longer an issue at all. The shock triggered very severe anxiety/panic attacks/agoraphobia. I got him to the Dr's and on medication and we agreed drinking or smoking weed would be a bad idea in combination with his meds. It does mean he has been totally reliant on me for the last year and a half and we have worked with ups and downs to get him out and about. Having been a very social person before the anxiety etc was a real shock to him and removed his independence completely. In those early days just stepping out the front door could have him shaking in fear. On the plus side we don't really argue any more and have become far closer.
But .. i hear you cry what does this have to do with alcohol.
As always it started small. He missed being able to have the odd beer. (he also missed the odd smoke but i avoided those conversations) We looked into it and he decided that drinking in moderation once in a while would be ok.
Once in a while though began to creep up on us until it reached the point it started to bother me. (by now he could go to the local shop alone with and without the dog though no further without me) For all the important reasons but also because with him unable to work and me unable to leave him alone long periods (as he gets worse alone) the cash wasn't their to fund all these extra 'treats.' Time and time again i would say we only had a small amount of cash left for the week but the moment my back was turned a pack of beer bottle of vodka or occasionally a bag of weed would have appeared. Sometimes even out of cash earmarked for the rent.
This went on for a while with various stresses from me and brush offs or defensive behaviour from him.
As Christmas approached I knew the situation was getting steadily out of control. He would be certain often hed not had a drink for ages even if he had had one most days that week and even if he was spending cash he knew we didn't have on it. Leaving me stuck isolated, no cash to treat myself or make nice plans to help him get out places with me. Also now I was starting a long process of sorting out old debts and baliffs and what was to become a nightmare of paperwork with benefits. No room to vent or be angry as his condition was still fragile though we were seeing someone by this time.
I struck a deal.
I would relax a bit over Christmas and his birthday in Jan but after that i wanted him to stop drinking and focus on getting better. I never would have imagined the amount he would spend. I had a little cash for my 30th but apart from two cushions and a box of chocolate it was all absorbed to compensate for what he spent. His birthday rolled round and went and there seemed no sign of him slowing down. When he wasn't drinking or smoking he was grumpy, on edge, though claimed he was 'fine.' All this is of course on good days as on the bad his anxiety leaves him stuttery and insecure and is in fact far more open to me. Its heartbreaking but at these times i often feel he is dealing with his issues rather than hiding from them. Besides i find him irritating when drunk so we arent likely to communicate well then. We talked, I made it clear that this was a dangerous road and that it was taking us further from him being well and getting his life back.
He agreed to stop.
For a long time he had the odd beer with his friend when he visited or a glass of wine with a meal.
We still seemed to have less cash than we should though and many nights he seemed wierd. Distant, stupid, even slurred. This he tried to pin on our gas heater being faulty. hmm. I also sometimes could have sworn i could smell vodka. Ignoring the obvious I decided it was a mystery.
Until......
I cant recall now what train of events led to all those signals finally clicking in my brain. I do know it was enough to make me ask myself.... where would he hide something. Sure enough i found about 8 empty vodka bottles in his desk drawers.
I spent hours wondering what to do at this point. If to say something, when, how, what. Knowing we had an appointment with his mental health practitioner the next day i decided to raise the issue. He was relieved. NO anger or denial, he took me round the home to show me all his hiding places pulling out several more bottles along the way.
We discussed it at our appointment the next day but it got rather overshadowed. A week or two before on his trip home from the one shop he can reach alone he was held up at gunpoint. He was asked to try and record a diary of drinking or urges to drink for next month but the main focus was teh recent incident and its effects on his condition. His drinking continues to be too much but was more in the open.
Well.....
I have found the odd bottle here and there.. its amazing he can still go to the shops alone (though using a different and longer route)
So we come slowly to this week. I was a little silly and bent the budget a bit and let him have a bag of weed at the weekend. This left us short on cash and as i said hes hopeless with it and had spent a lot more than he said he had. This left us painfully short with a very small amount remaining for the rest of this week. The long months before having exhausted all and any emergency fund and our overdraft.
All seemed well though the usual moan that he fancied a beer. He had been to the shop earlier to put electric on our meter which was £10 of the $16 or 17 we had remaining. When he came to bed though he breathed on me. I hate the smell of vodka and i hate that he sprawls mumbles and sometimes lashes out when passed out drunk.
So up I got to find an empty bottle badly concealed in a cupboard and that last bit of cash to feed us for a week all gone.
This is by no means a new situation or an unfamiliar sinking feeling. Its just the first where it has left us completely out of a way to get by financially.
He knows its bad for his health, he knows it holds him back from getting better, he knows it hurts me.
I also know that he sometimes feels like it is his only release from the constant feeling on anxiety and panic.
I know he usually drinks if i go out at all, the only time i recall him not i had all the cash and cards with me. He was a wreck when i got home. That may be because between the attempted mugging and that night a drunk had forced entry into our home of course.
So here i am having given over a year to being completely responsible for keeping us going keeping my positive face on. I can handle helping him recover from the anxiety, I can be there and i can help him find his way back out there. We had made so much progress. I can give my time to taking him places.
This though is not a battle I can fight at all. Its not my war and I know I have no say in it.
I get angry of course. Angry that it will make him ill, angry that he's being selfish, angry that I simply cannot treat myself at all as he wont slow down just cause I spend a little extra on myself, angry that I'm scared to leave him home alone. Angry at the lies and deceit that come with covering his tracks. Frustrated that he's come so far and he's risking throwing that all away again. Frustrated that its hard to even mention drinks or cash as he becomes defensive and moody.
Unless he can tell the cracks are showing and I am really upset. Then his anxiety kicks and and its shaking and stuttering. He doesnt want to hurt me and he doesn't want to loose me. Hes drowning and hiding from all the things he needs to face to become the vibrant cheeky confident man he once was.
He is a good man and a strong one and he has fought so hard over these tough times. I know he doesn't give in every time. He does whitewash his memory to make himself think he drinks less than he does. He never completed that diary and sugar coated the truth at his next appointment. He is due to start CBT soon and I am worried he wont get the help needed due to lies.
So many other things i have had to deal with seem easy in comparison because i could DO SOMETHING.
This isn't my war and its breaking my heart watching it cause I am terrified he wont win.
My apologies for the long winded post which i still somehow feel doesnt convey it all quite right. I guess you cant put your heart on a screen so easily you can just offer what you have and hope someone can read between the lines.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, I reread your post several times, and I realize that I am not the person to answer this thread.
Why? This whole deal just doesn't compute to me. You gave him money to buy pot?
I am going to let others respond with advice, I have none.
Take care
Why? This whole deal just doesn't compute to me. You gave him money to buy pot?
I am going to let others respond with advice, I have none.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by dollydo 
Like I said, this deal doesn't compute. His addiction(s) have financially strapped you before and you still condone his addiction(s) ?
I admit, on this one, I am totally lost.
I admit, on this one, I am totally lost.
ChasingRainbows... you were negotiating with him. I get it. But you're always going to be on the losing end of the deal...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 8
I know. I guess a part of me convinces me I can somehow 'win' but i know it doesn't work like that and a part of me gets worn down. You give in a little and it always goes further than you expect. I am not sure what to do as i dont wish to give up on him but i am aware there is very little i can actually do to help him.
I've already got him in counceling but for different issues though it could be argued this is a symptom of that. The first few months of his illness he was completely clean, not even caffine and progress was so much smoother.
His live for the moment attitude used to make him vibrant but with the mental health issues its become something that could destroy him.
Id like to add also though i mentioned he could go a little overboard on occasion back when he was working it was nothing like this. Yes he was terrible at budgeting but he could quite happily not have anything to smoke or drink. It wasnt a compulsion in the same way it is now and my financial concern then was more that it was a waste. I probably made it sound worse than it was as i personally dislike weed and vodka so it irritated me but was not the issue we currently have. Not even close. I just wanted the history prior to now to be open and honest.
I've already got him in counceling but for different issues though it could be argued this is a symptom of that. The first few months of his illness he was completely clean, not even caffine and progress was so much smoother.
His live for the moment attitude used to make him vibrant but with the mental health issues its become something that could destroy him.
Id like to add also though i mentioned he could go a little overboard on occasion back when he was working it was nothing like this. Yes he was terrible at budgeting but he could quite happily not have anything to smoke or drink. It wasnt a compulsion in the same way it is now and my financial concern then was more that it was a waste. I probably made it sound worse than it was as i personally dislike weed and vodka so it irritated me but was not the issue we currently have. Not even close. I just wanted the history prior to now to be open and honest.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by dollydo
Like I said, this deal doesn't compute. His addiction(s) have financially strapped you before and you still condone his addiction(s) ?
I admit, on this one, I am totally lost.
I admit, on this one, I am totally lost.
I don't think it's fair to say that OP (or I as well, since I identify with what she said) is "condoning" the behavior. I, too, have allowed my financial situation to run away because of AH behavior.
I don't have great advice, ChasingRainbows, because I'm not a very good teacher in this area yet.
I just wanted to tell you that I understand exactly how you feel.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by SoloMio
Well, I'm not totally lost. I understand, because the story mirrors a lot of my relationship.
I don't think it's fair to say that OP (or I as well, since I identify with what she said) is "condoning" the behavior. I, too, have allowed my financial situation to run away because of AH behavior.
I don't have great advice, ChasingRainbows, because I'm not a very good teacher in this area yet.
I just wanted to tell you that I understand exactly how you feel.
I don't think it's fair to say that OP (or I as well, since I identify with what she said) is "condoning" the behavior. I, too, have allowed my financial situation to run away because of AH behavior.
I don't have great advice, ChasingRainbows, because I'm not a very good teacher in this area yet.
I just wanted to tell you that I understand exactly how you feel.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 8
Perhaps there were issues in the past but i was blind to them at the time. Its hard to say for sure the only certainty is the situation that has evolved over the last few months. I should also clarify the debts i had to sort out that i mentioned were just his poor cash management but weren't due to drinking or smoking just being terribly disorganised. The current problems of course exasperate this further though.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Have you ever focused on yourself and what you want in a relationship and for long-term goals?
Because, for me, train-wreck money management and substance abuse are both deal breakers, right off the top. I also categorically don't want a relationship where I even have to have thoughts of saving someone from their own vices.
Perhaps some thought as to why you accept these characteristics would be helpful.
CLMI
Because, for me, train-wreck money management and substance abuse are both deal breakers, right off the top. I also categorically don't want a relationship where I even have to have thoughts of saving someone from their own vices.
Perhaps some thought as to why you accept these characteristics would be helpful.
CLMI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 8
I didn't realise how bad with cash he was till I had been living here a while. As to the substance abuse it hasn't been an issue like this for most of our relationship. To be fair the weed he has only about about twice in the last couple of years. Its the drinking that is of real concern and I am aware its his health issues that have helped it take an ugly turn.
I had long ago accepted I would always be the one organising the finances and he is ok with me doing that and most of the debt he turned out not to be liable for. It's just he had not been in a position mentally to sort through the details.
though he has always liked a drink he did not always have issues with abusing it.
By nature he is a very loving and generous person and I know even though he's made some very bad decisions in recent months I also know there are lots of days he has the urge to drink and resists it. He knows this is not what he wants from life. He just has at present really terrible coping mechanisms and they have clearly reached the point they can blot out all other responsibility. He has also had a really rough ride over the last year or so and has been fighting crippling anxiety and I know this has worn upon him leaving him feel he has no release.
We have been together about five years and until this we had been consistently growing stronger and closer. No ones perfect but he had been trying really hard to be a good man. The loss of his job was a huge blow and dealing with the anxiety and agoraphobia has left him dependant and isolated in a way that frustrates him. What got him to the shop that first time since his illness.... he wanted to buy something for me that would be a surprise, nothing big just a choccy bar, just cause it was something he hadn't been able to do for ages.
Basically I know there is a good man in there.
I had long ago accepted I would always be the one organising the finances and he is ok with me doing that and most of the debt he turned out not to be liable for. It's just he had not been in a position mentally to sort through the details.
though he has always liked a drink he did not always have issues with abusing it.
By nature he is a very loving and generous person and I know even though he's made some very bad decisions in recent months I also know there are lots of days he has the urge to drink and resists it. He knows this is not what he wants from life. He just has at present really terrible coping mechanisms and they have clearly reached the point they can blot out all other responsibility. He has also had a really rough ride over the last year or so and has been fighting crippling anxiety and I know this has worn upon him leaving him feel he has no release.
We have been together about five years and until this we had been consistently growing stronger and closer. No ones perfect but he had been trying really hard to be a good man. The loss of his job was a huge blow and dealing with the anxiety and agoraphobia has left him dependant and isolated in a way that frustrates him. What got him to the shop that first time since his illness.... he wanted to buy something for me that would be a surprise, nothing big just a choccy bar, just cause it was something he hadn't been able to do for ages.
Basically I know there is a good man in there.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
A few things you may want to think about, ChasingRainbows:
That is the way alcoholism and addiction are. They are very sneaky. For a long time, it can APPEAR that the person does not have the disease. By the time it becomes obvious, it is full-blown. That is likely attributable to the progressive nature of the disease.
Also, the disease of alcoholism is like a parasite, or I like to think of it more as a monster that lives within the person with the disease. The sole purpose of the disease is its own survival, which happens at the detriment of its host (our loved ones). My point is, this monster will often pretend to be SOME OTHER kind of disease or problem, to get people like us to take care of them and to continue to take care of them.
Please consider going to Al-Anon.
though he has always liked a drink he did not always have issues with abusing it.
Also, the disease of alcoholism is like a parasite, or I like to think of it more as a monster that lives within the person with the disease. The sole purpose of the disease is its own survival, which happens at the detriment of its host (our loved ones). My point is, this monster will often pretend to be SOME OTHER kind of disease or problem, to get people like us to take care of them and to continue to take care of them.
Please consider going to Al-Anon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
A few things you may want to think about, ChasingRainbows:
That is the way alcoholism and addiction are. They are very sneaky. For a long time, it can APPEAR that the person does not have the disease. By the time it becomes obvious, it is full-blown. That is likely attributable to the progressive nature of the disease.
Also, the disease of alcoholism is like a parasite, or I like to think of it more as a monster that lives within the person with the disease. The sole purpose of the disease is its own survival, which happens at the detriment of its host (our loved ones). My point is, this monster will often pretend to be SOME OTHER kind of disease or problem, to get people like us to take care of them and to continue to take care of them.
Please consider going to Al-Anon.
That is the way alcoholism and addiction are. They are very sneaky. For a long time, it can APPEAR that the person does not have the disease. By the time it becomes obvious, it is full-blown. That is likely attributable to the progressive nature of the disease.
Also, the disease of alcoholism is like a parasite, or I like to think of it more as a monster that lives within the person with the disease. The sole purpose of the disease is its own survival, which happens at the detriment of its host (our loved ones). My point is, this monster will often pretend to be SOME OTHER kind of disease or problem, to get people like us to take care of them and to continue to take care of them.
Please consider going to Al-Anon.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It sounds like you are very involved with managing his life and are doing your best to ensure that HE gets the support and assistance that HE needs. What are you doing for YOU?
Something else to think about:
Whether or not he is alcoholic does not depend necessarily on how often he drinks. I am an alcoholic and I have gone months, even years between drinks.
Something else to think about:
He is not yet at the stage where it is an every day thing but I know if not adressed it will continue to get worse.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by ChasingRainbows
By nature he is a very loving and generous person and I know even though he's made some very bad decisions in recent months I also know there are lots of days he has the urge to drink and resists it. He knows this is not what he wants from life. He just has at present really terrible coping mechanisms and they have clearly reached the point they can blot out all other responsibility. He has also had a really rough ride over the last year or so and has been fighting crippling anxiety and I know this has worn upon him leaving him feel he has no release.
I notice that your post above is all about HIM. "He is a good person". "He has anxiety". Him him him. Do you see this?
What about you in all this? What do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What are your dreams? How do you plan on getting there?
Originally Posted by ChasingRainbows
Basically I know there is a good man in there.
Do you love this man, totally and completely, as he is today? Because it's the only person that he's willing to be. If not, perhaps it's time to ask yourself what you're getting out of the relationship...
Keep posting and reading.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by ChasingRainbows
He has always been a fairly heavy drinker though I guess at times I have been too.
I know though the anxiety is not caused by the drinking nor is it a cover for it. He had not been drinking a lot the months prior to being laid off and was t-total for about six months afterwards.
I know though the anxiety is not caused by the drinking nor is it a cover for it. He had not been drinking a lot the months prior to being laid off and was t-total for about six months afterwards.
You will find lots of information and support here. I recommend reading in our permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are posted there and lots of wisdom from members can be found in those posts.
I wanted to share with you my personal experience as a recovering alcoholic. I have been able to put down alcohol in the past. I have been able to stay sober for days, weeks, months and years. However, the problem is my body is addicted to alcohol. When I pick it back up, it is as if someone hits the fast forward button on alcoholism and my body responds as if I never stopped drinking. I might appear to be managing a glass of wine here or there with dinner, a beer with a slice of pizza, etc. But I am a train wreck waiting to happen. It escalates and I again lose control.
Vodka is not my friend. My last experience as an active alcoholic was my worst due to vodka. Throughout my drinking history, depression and hypo-glycemia have always been an issure. I believe the alcohol has helped keep those conditions alive, incubating those issues and feeding them. Alcohol is a known depressant. I was not able to treat or control depression and hypoglycemia until I stopped drinking. When I stopped drinking vodka, I had panic attacks and anxiety. Terrible anxiety. I was addicted to vodka.
I can not describe to you the difference in the way my addiction to alcohol differed between beer/wine vs. vodka. However, there was a difference. Vodka scares the hell out of me.
I hope that you will allow your alcoholic to get the professional help he needs. I know that I always wanted my enabler around me to help me through my anxiety, depression and hold my hand through my fears. My enabler was not really helping me. My enabler was enabling me to continue my denial of addiction to alcohol. I needed to face my addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 8
Thank you for all the kind replies. I dont have much to add at present as I am still digesting all this information and looking at where I am at present.
I do think of me and take some small times out for myself, perhaps not as much as I should but I do. This particular issue of course centres on him and living in such close quarters it is not an issue I easily get to air. I do regularly visit my best friend and she is wonderful though she has issues of her own to deal with at present.
I do think of me and take some small times out for myself, perhaps not as much as I should but I do. This particular issue of course centres on him and living in such close quarters it is not an issue I easily get to air. I do regularly visit my best friend and she is wonderful though she has issues of her own to deal with at present.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
I have dealt with panic attacks and agoraphobia and it's an awful thing to experience. However, CBT and medication (Paxil) has freed me up considerably and I am MUCH better than I was. I am currently involved in a panic disorder group and it's really good. I have never used alcohol or drugs to deal with anxiety.
My recovering exBF has generalized anxiety disorder and was self medicating with alcohol, which only made the anxiety worse. He finally realized he was going to kill himself and went through rehab. The alcohol is gone but he still has some anxiety and also has ADHD and OCD to complicate things. He is totally irresponsible with his money (and was with mine too!). We are no longer together although still friends. Unfortunately, the money problems are a big show stopper with me as well as his ADHD disorganization and impulsiveness and his general immaturity (he's 53!)
By the way, I was told that many people have their first panic attack after smoking pot.
All this to say that I hope CBT is a big help with your man but like the others have said, try to focus on yourself too. You are just as important. I forgot this and became totally involved with his problems.
Spinner
My recovering exBF has generalized anxiety disorder and was self medicating with alcohol, which only made the anxiety worse. He finally realized he was going to kill himself and went through rehab. The alcohol is gone but he still has some anxiety and also has ADHD and OCD to complicate things. He is totally irresponsible with his money (and was with mine too!). We are no longer together although still friends. Unfortunately, the money problems are a big show stopper with me as well as his ADHD disorganization and impulsiveness and his general immaturity (he's 53!)
By the way, I was told that many people have their first panic attack after smoking pot.
All this to say that I hope CBT is a big help with your man but like the others have said, try to focus on yourself too. You are just as important. I forgot this and became totally involved with his problems.
Spinner
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