Puccibird

I read alot that co-dependants tries to hide that fact from others that their loved one is drinking. But with me it's the opposite. I have this need to tell everybody and everyone. I have told maybe too many people including, some co-workers, some members from church, some of my family members, and a pastor relative of mine, and some of my friends.

I feel guilty for involving all these people in this matter. Now whenever my AH encounters them, they know this little fact about him and he doesn't even know that they know this. Which I feel is not fair to him.
Any thoughts?

Learn2Live

That is the beauty of Al-Anon. You can tell as many people as you have to, as many times as you have to, and it stays within the rooms.

nodaybut2day

I felt and did the same thing when I was in the process of leaving XAH. I had held my tongue for so long that once I opened the floodgates, everything came tumbling out to anyone and everyone. It eventually calmed down, and I learned not to "overshare", but honestly, I wouldn't feel bad about it...I mean, did your AH do his best to be on his best behaviour around all the people you mentioned because he was worried about how him acting out or being drunk would reflect on you? I seriously doubt it. Even if it were true, I think that you're doing this because you need validation, and to a certain degree support.

Perhaps if you went to Al-Anon or got into some individual counselling, you could get the support you needed there, and not involve the people you mentioned in the nitty gritty details of your life.

FiftyPence

I don't go around telling everyone that my wife is an alcoholic but I certainly don't make any attempt to hide it. I live in a small town and as a result most people in my circle of friends know our situation. In certain cases I've taken people into my confidence for specific reasons. One woman I've befriended is a recovered addict and I sought advice from her at some point. Another work colleague is an attorney and he's given me legal advice around my pending divorce.

But I'd say your conscience is pricking you... listen to it and change your behaviour accordingly.

KittyP

Can I ask why you have told a number of people about your AH's drinking but he doesn't know that they know?

FreeingMyself

I can SO relate....I did the same thing. Ithink mainly for validation, but also I found that by telling other people then I could not hide from reality and live in fantasy. I'm not saying I was right in what I did, but I needed to think through things with other people, for a "reality check". I personally don't feel guilty about it because if he hadn't done the things he did...I would have had nothing to share!!

theuncertainty

Personally, I've told the people I think needed to know, or who I thought/think I can count on for support when the days get rough, who I'm sure AH would never guess have been told because he is just that deluded as to the effects his drinking has on the people around him. (For instance, I told my son's teacher because she was one of the strong and kind souls on the front line when dealing with the days my son was hurting from his dad's inconsistent, uncaring and thoughtless behavior.) In his mind still, he doesn't see he has a problem, so why should any one else.

Like Puccibird, I originally felt guilty about mentioning it to friends and family who noted I'd been a shell of my former self and asked what was going on, or people like my son's teacher who have to deal with the fall-out. But then I realized that guilt stemmed from wanting to protect AH still.

I could tell AH I've told this person - that person figured it out on his own - that person told me he thinks AH has a problem, and discovered I already knew - etc., but really, it's not going to change anything he does anyway. Since we're no longer living together (maybe even if we were), I'm not obligated to protect his fragile ego by hiding the truth, nor do I need to supply more fuel for his pity-parties by telling him about all the people who already know what he apparently doesn't.

I don't shout it from the roof tops or bring it up out of the blue in the grocery store check-out line, nor do I go into detail about the totally cr*ppy behaviors his drinking has led him to, but telling people AH is an alcoholic is telling the truth. I no longer feel bad about it, but I do try to monitor why I'm telling and try to keep my mouth shut if might be in retaliation for his latest round of hurtful actions.

Maybe take a closer look at any guilt you're feeling, Pucchibird, to see where it might be coming from. If you're trying to protect AH, the guilt really isn't justified. If there's more there, then well, a slight change in behavior may be needed. (IMO, friends and family members can be great sources of support, but only if they know what's going on, telling them should not be a source of guilt.)

KeepingItReal

I told because I was tired of suffering in silence. Speaking the truth out loud made it impossible to ignore. Also, I was having difficulty taking responsibility for the choice I was making to stay in the relationship. Telling others made it possible for me to see that I was not a victim; i was a willing participant.

Puccibird

Well I think my family and his family could already tell that he drank too much but I just wanted to mention it to them for validation. I thought that if I talked to his sister and father about it, they might try talking to him, but they didn't think it would work anyways so they didnt.

I told two co-workers because one I am very close to and share a lot with and the other one had a husband who was an alcoholic so I thought that she could give me advice.

I told the pastor relative about it because I thought that he would have experience in dealing with these situations. And I told a close male friend of mine just to get a man's point of view on the situation.

So really I haven't told that many people, just the ones I thought I could get some support from.

I think I feel guilty because since last Thursday (with the drinking and driving while picking up our son from daycare incident) my husband hasn't had a drink and has been his real self lately.

Freedom1990

Based on his past behaviors, how long do you think that will last?

I hinged my reality off of my EXAH. If he was okay, I was okay. If he was angry, I withdrew. If he disappeared (which he did frequently for days on end), I worried myself sick.

Things would get insane to the point of no description. He'd stop the drinking and drugging briefly. Usually he had an upcoming UA at his parole officer's, or something that scared him for a short time.

Every single time, it went back to the same old same old, getting worse as the years went by.

I became a shell of a person. I had no identify, no self-worth, and certainly no boundaries in my life.

It's a horrible, sad way to live.

Puccibird

I know, it's too good to be true.

theuncertainty

Basically 1 week of not drinking does not negate the fact that he's an alcoholic, so it's still no lie to tell your support network that he is.

You've told family who probably already knew about the problem; you've told friends or religious leaders who can provide the advice and support that you and your family need. Can I rephrase the last line of your post a bit to show you what I'm hearing from the post? "I think I feel guilty for telling these important people in my life, for trying to get the support I need, because he's not drinking right now."

You have every right to seek the help and support you need.

Daisy30

You've told just the right amount. You told who you needed to to get the support you needed.

Please call one of these people so they can keep you in reality. I need that often. So that you DO NOT let him drive with the children. One week does not = recovery. I think we tell the people we need to even when it's hard b/c they will give us just what we need.

Sometimes it is that little reminder for me when I start to drift off into fantasy land

skope

I have done the same, I was questioning myself, is his behaviour normal? Am I wrong?
Mayeb he doesn't have a problem?

Learn2Live

I have been thinking about this a little more regarding a similar situation in my life. Do you think maybe part of the reason you have been telling so many people is so that they can remind you that you are Right and he is Wrong? Which makes you feel better for just a little while but really solves nothing? Just something to explore. I think this may be what I have been doing in certain types of situations, and looking back I realize that usually, it is situations I should not BE in in the first place or should have walked away from.

There are just some people we as individuals do not mesh with, hard as we might try. But we often try to STAY in a relationship with one of these individuals because we feel we HAVE TO (usually for love or money). But the reality is, we are just STUCK and by getting ourselves out of those bad relationships, we give ourselves the chance to heal and grow and find someone whose values align more closely with our own.

KittyP

When I initially started talking about my AH's drinking I stuck to talking to a couple of friends who had already told him they were concerned about his drinking as it felt like by talking to them I wasn't betraying a confidence but I felt really guilty about going behind his back, especially as they were his friends first. I also was initially very secretive about going to al-anon.

After a while we just all let him know that we had talked about his drinking and that he couldn't lie to any of us or hide from his problems around us. Over time, about a year and a half, just about everyone in our lives found out. Either by figuring it out for themselves, him telling them or me telling them but I have stuck to not keeping the fact that others know a secret from AH. No matter how people know, the only reason they know is because of his drinking, that is just another consequence of his actions and there is no point in hiding it from him.

His reactions have been interesting. Initially he would be angry and indignant, then contrite and accept offers of help and eventually he would shy away from those who knew and seek out other friends who had no idea and hang around them so he could stick with his denial. Eventually everyone we know knew and he ended up in a really, really bad place. It was as if when he had nowhere left to hide he just completely gave into drinking. Which lasted about a month.

Currently he seems to be trying to quit properly and is making an effort to spend a lot of time with supportive friends and family members, actually asking for help rather than claiming he is being forced. And I think a big part of that is that is having no area of his life that he can fill with denial. Whether he sinks or swims now is up to him but either way he has to face that those are the only real options he has and stop pretending that he's actually ok. I feel no guilt about the people who I talked to, if I feel any guilt at all it's that it took me so long to open my mouth. That even after realising that stopping hiding things from people helped I still allowed him to convince me not to talk to others. Whatever else happens my life isn't a lie. It isn't as if I announce it to the neighbours and our casual acquaintances but if someone needs to know, or I need someone to know, then they know and I don't hide it from him.

SelfDestruct

Why not tell your husband who you told, to clear your guilt. If you want him to be honest, you need to also be honest as well.......

coffeedrinker

I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with telling those you chose to tell.

However, the validation piece may be something to think a little more about.

Also, as was pointed out to me once on this board, there is something about "outing" the other person that might be going on. What do you think the payoff is for doing so? How does it change how others see you? Cuz you is who this is about, I'm thinkin.

I also think something about the guilty feelings you are now experiencing. It seems almost as though the whole alcoholic thing may just be a bad dream...maybe a mistake and now it's in the past. LIke you wanna take it back cuz well, now it's a non-issue. I know that logically you probably don't believe that, but those tricks our minds can play on us....can be damned cunning.

JenT1968

you didn't take out a full-page add in his employer's newsletter with a picture of him lying in a pool of vomit, you spoke to a few people for support, you are allowed to talk to people about your life. AL-anon is a great source of anonymous comfort, but having that doesn't mean it is "right" to continue to hide the effects of his drinking from other sources of support.

to be honest he was driving drunk, taking dangerous drinking behaviour out into the community he is living in, that really shouldn't be hidden, don't berate yourself for gettign the support you need.

or because you don't want people to think badly of him? that was one of the reasons I not only kept quiet but tried to cover up, lied about birthday celebrations that hadn't happened etc. I wanted to control what other people thought of him,