FarawayFromCars

Hi All,

So...Sunday will be the first day I see the parents + AS since the blow up, many weeks of no contact, civil contact, and setting up boundaries. My mom asked me on the phone today, "so will you be OK with seeing AS this weekend?" I told her, "I will be okay with seeing her if she is sober. If she is drinking, that is another story. As you know, her drinking makes me uncomfortable and sad, and I cannot be around that. If she is drinking, I will leave." Mom said, "she's NOT drinking. She's been doing GREAT..." I hesitate to believe that because past claims of "doing great" have quickly been proven wrong by obvious signs of drinking / drunkenness. But I know I can't change them or their belief system.

So...I am prepared to stand by my boundaries; will go on Sunday because it's important to me to see my dad for Father's day. I haven't seen him for FD for the past 4 years, so this is special to me. I will see AS, but if AS is drinking, I will extricate myself from the situation and explain to parents that we will see each other another time without AS.

I'm feeling nervous about this....maybe because setting up boundaries with the parents is so NEW to me? That's what I discussed w/my therapist last week....this is relatively new to me, so it's going to cause me a lot of emotion at first--nervousness, guilt, etc.

Thoughts?

PieRat

I think you will do fine, just stick to your gun's. You are as important as anyone else, and respect needs to be given as well as received.

Freedom1990

Let go of any expectations. It is difficult when we finally establish boundaries, and then we face a situation that puts those boundaries to the test.

You are doing great! Setting those boundaries is a huge step. Try to stay focused in today, in the moment. Father's Day isn't here yet.

:ghug3 :ghug3

Brucel

I agree with Freedom. My serenity is always based on my expectations. Having clear and set boundaries and sticking to them is my only way out of those situations. It's always tougher with family. My family now knows my boundaries and the boundaries don't change depending on anything. It serves me well, nevermind what my family thinks. Maybe thats what they mean by a selfish program. Oh yeah, and I'm an Alcoholic. God Bless and good luck.

FarawayFromCars

Thanks everyone...Freedom, you're absolutely right. Father's day isn't until Sunday. Putting it out of my mind until then.

Freedom1990

It is hard to stay in the moment when we have a different set of circumstances (ie, sticking to your new boundaries) approaching. Early in my recovery, before my feet ever hit the floor in the mornings, my brain was already 10 miles down the road!

It seems things happen from time to time that remind me just how precious today is, this moment is.

Even though my EXAH has been dead several years now, I still think of him and remember to live life to the fullest each day.

It was really weird because I had a dream about him last night, and I don't think I've dreamed about him in over a decade.

It was an incredibly sad dream. He was emaciated and smelled like death (he died from complications due to AIDS). I know that smell from working in hospitals and nursing homes. In the dream I told him thank you for helping me find recovery, and that I was sorry I couldn't change the ending to his story. I could see in his eyes that he was terrified of dying.

I woke up filled with gratitude for the gifts that God has given me in my life today.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I live in today.

Bernadette

Good thoughts from everyone--

Remember - maintaining boundaries doesn't have to be dramatic! It can be very matter-of-fact and chill.

I say that now, but i know very well when I first established my "I will just leave if my bros are drinking" boundary for myself, that the 1st time I actually left a family gathering it felt like a big deal and I do believe I was huffy like "look what YOU made me have to do!" etc. And I was very upset.

Then I had my lightbulb moment in the car and I was like - oh I don't need to be all dramatic about this! Because my resentment about having to leave was messing with my serenity!

Now, many years into this, I just assess the situation, if they are drinking I kind of sigh inside ("oh well gotta go!") make my escape plan, take my time (because I'm not MAKING A STATEMENT I'm just happier not being around that) gather my stuff, say my loving goodbyes and I'm off.

And I AM happier and more at peace not being around that and realizing that I do have the choice - in any moment - to find my peace of mind and my responsibility for my own mood.

peace & good luck and enjoy your dad's day!!
b

Bolina

You can't set a direct boundary without hurting someone's feelings. That's just a fact of life. Because once you have to be that firm, things have got a bit out of whack.

Think about people around you with whom you don't have to set boundaries. They just know, right? Or of they didn't, they accept a gentle nudge or a gentle consequence from you and all is well. You probably don't even know it's happening.

When it gets to the stage where you really have to put you foot down, things might just get a little ugly. But that is really a consequence of their actions. It might seem like it is a consequence of your own boundary-setting (which it is, in part) but the stimulus for it is their behavior.

Learning to live with those uncomfortable feelings has been a very large part of my recovery.

Jadmack25

I love Anvil's suggestion to broaden the boundary and include any similar situation. This takes the centre stage away from AS and your parents, and classes their behavior among any you find unwilling to accept.

I hope this Father's day is a good one for you, and any of the drama and tension you may expect, does not come to fruition.

My AS did 28 days of expensive rehab, got upset for whatever reason and hit the plonk within hours of getting home. She OD'ed on medication and a friend checking up got her to hospital.
My mum was upset and disappointed of course, but as she says "can't do it for her", and told another friend who had plans of racing to rescue again....that best thing she could do was leave her be, and give God a chance to do his thing.

Mum actually told the friend she was prolonging AS's problem, not helping, and maybe friend should go for help if she so desperately "needed to be needed", as she may have a problem too.

Wise old bird, my darling nearly 99 year old mother.

All the best to you for FD.

God bless