Debating what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
Debating what to do
So - didn't cause, can't control it, can't cure it. Got that. Here's what I'm struggling with now. For almost 2 months, AH hasn't had his truck - I stole it, but truthfully if he wanted it back he could have got it back. But, I made a decision that I didn't want to have any responsibility for what he does, and partially, I wanted to see what would happen, so I gave it back to him. (first making sure I wouldn't have any liability for anything he did). I'm at a point now where I want this relationship to be over and the worse he acts, the more likely it is for me to end up with the better deal in a divorce. He hasn't hurt anybody, isn't violent - mostly he just lies around all day.
He has a vehicle and he has a way of getting money, and it doesn't appear in the short run that I can get him out, although I'm revisiting that question. (I'm not leaving the house for reasons that I've posted before). I know he's still drinking - and of course lying about it and trying to hide it.
Here's my dilemma. Without his truck, he wasn't on the road and he was drunk less often - usually 1-2 times a week, and sometimes a stretch of close to 2 weeks sober. Since he's had his truck back - its everyday, I'm pretty sure its back to vodka. Yes, if something happens, its on him - but still if something happens I'm still going to feel guilty. I can't call the cops - its while I'm at work, and I never know precisely when he's going to be driving. I know its very short distances from the house. Plus, he's a lot more tolerable to deal with.
Without the truck - he can't look for a job, he has a court case (expired safety inspection) on Friday, and basically its one more excuse for him to be a slug all day.
Someone please talk me out of taking the truck again - I'm about this close to doing it. (Oh and the kids know not to get in the truck with him - I've reinforced that message over and over again.)
He has a vehicle and he has a way of getting money, and it doesn't appear in the short run that I can get him out, although I'm revisiting that question. (I'm not leaving the house for reasons that I've posted before). I know he's still drinking - and of course lying about it and trying to hide it.
Here's my dilemma. Without his truck, he wasn't on the road and he was drunk less often - usually 1-2 times a week, and sometimes a stretch of close to 2 weeks sober. Since he's had his truck back - its everyday, I'm pretty sure its back to vodka. Yes, if something happens, its on him - but still if something happens I'm still going to feel guilty. I can't call the cops - its while I'm at work, and I never know precisely when he's going to be driving. I know its very short distances from the house. Plus, he's a lot more tolerable to deal with.
Without the truck - he can't look for a job, he has a court case (expired safety inspection) on Friday, and basically its one more excuse for him to be a slug all day.
Someone please talk me out of taking the truck again - I'm about this close to doing it. (Oh and the kids know not to get in the truck with him - I've reinforced that message over and over again.)
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Why should I talk you out of "Not taking the truck again"?
My ex always drank more, used more, when he had wheels. He was a danger to everyone walking and driving. Not to mention himself.
If you are married you will be financially responsible, if he kills or injures someone, whether he's on your insurance or not, you can be sued, you can lose everything.
As for finding a job, obviously he is not interested, truck or no truck.
If you want out, go to an attorney, they will find a solution to get him out, eventually they always do. It is usually the filing spouse that is the stumbling block.
When he is driving under the influence, it is like he has a loaded gun in his hand...it can go off at anytime.
My ex always drank more, used more, when he had wheels. He was a danger to everyone walking and driving. Not to mention himself.
If you are married you will be financially responsible, if he kills or injures someone, whether he's on your insurance or not, you can be sued, you can lose everything.
As for finding a job, obviously he is not interested, truck or no truck.
If you want out, go to an attorney, they will find a solution to get him out, eventually they always do. It is usually the filing spouse that is the stumbling block.
When he is driving under the influence, it is like he has a loaded gun in his hand...it can go off at anytime.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Good point, Dolly.
I guess it's about being responsible to yourself first. Not allowing him to get you into financial trouble is a good idea. I think I'd talk to an attorney about my liability in the event my spouse did something harmful. While he and his ex wife lived in another country, my Xabf drove his car into someone's house, and he complained that the paint on the house got scratched up, but the homeowner sued him, and the money came out of the wife's bank account. When he binged in my apartment one night, I just imagined him causing a fire and since I worked and had a decent job, I'd wind up having to pay some debt to the apt building, and my neighbors for his idiocy.
So....take care of you, first, even if that means to take care of him.
When my X agreed to move out, I bought him boxes. My friends were angry with me, but I took care of myself by making sure he did not have the excuse of not having enough boxes to move, so he'd have to leave his stuff at my place. No friggin way.
You first.
I guess it's about being responsible to yourself first. Not allowing him to get you into financial trouble is a good idea. I think I'd talk to an attorney about my liability in the event my spouse did something harmful. While he and his ex wife lived in another country, my Xabf drove his car into someone's house, and he complained that the paint on the house got scratched up, but the homeowner sued him, and the money came out of the wife's bank account. When he binged in my apartment one night, I just imagined him causing a fire and since I worked and had a decent job, I'd wind up having to pay some debt to the apt building, and my neighbors for his idiocy.
So....take care of you, first, even if that means to take care of him.
When my X agreed to move out, I bought him boxes. My friends were angry with me, but I took care of myself by making sure he did not have the excuse of not having enough boxes to move, so he'd have to leave his stuff at my place. No friggin way.
You first.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I think, if I let my AH have use of a truck, knowing he was driving it drunk,....and he injured or killed someone, I don't think there are enough lawyers in the world to convince me that I was not liable ....at least morally. I may not end up paying out 1 single cent, but the price my consience charged would be enormous.
He can find money for booze, what about food and necessities, contributing to family costs, mortgage etc....does he pay his share or are you working to do it all?
If you are, well let's face it, why the hell would he want to move out from Gratis Lodge, where it is all there for him, and he need do nothing to change?
Maybe if the benefits of home life were removed, he may find life not so comfortable, but that would also mean tough action on your part.
Seems you have either to do your best to get him to go, if that is what you want...or...get used to him as he is, a bludging drunk and learn to live with it.
God bless
He can find money for booze, what about food and necessities, contributing to family costs, mortgage etc....does he pay his share or are you working to do it all?
If you are, well let's face it, why the hell would he want to move out from Gratis Lodge, where it is all there for him, and he need do nothing to change?
Maybe if the benefits of home life were removed, he may find life not so comfortable, but that would also mean tough action on your part.
Seems you have either to do your best to get him to go, if that is what you want...or...get used to him as he is, a bludging drunk and learn to live with it.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
Yes I Fu**ing do just about everything. He does laundry and dishes but that's it. I took his truck, liquidated our joint acct and shredded his credit cards. But everyone here knows that won't stop an A. I've already consulted an attorney...more than one. I'm frustrated as h*ll and I come to this board and basically get berated. I feel worse after coming to this board than before.
Peace out.
Peace out.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Anger can be a good motivator. I do not see where anyone here has berated you. I do understand your frustration, however. And it's that kind of anger and frustration that finally lit a fire under me to DO something. You've done everything you can think of to try and "stop the A." And now you are coming to realize that there is nothing you can do to stop him. That's actually progress. Now you can focus on YOU and doing things that move you forward. He's going to do whatever he's going to do. All you can do is whatever it takes to minimize the effect on your life.
So, take all the things about him off the table. Whether he gets a job or not. Whether he drinks more or less, etc. What is the best move FOR YOU? What will have the most positive outcome on YOUR LIFE? Do that.
L
So, take all the things about him off the table. Whether he gets a job or not. Whether he drinks more or less, etc. What is the best move FOR YOU? What will have the most positive outcome on YOUR LIFE? Do that.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
How did you steal the truck? I thought that you were living in the same house. Sorry if I've got you confused with someone else. Do you mean "steal" as in legally stole? Because if so, a whole world of crappola could rain down on you if he got mad and reported it stolen.
Did you manage to contact any DV organisations about the fact you can't get him out of the house? Because your situation cannot be that unusual and they may have some bright ideas that your lawyers haven't thought of.
I know when I felt stuck, I had to think of everything in my life as negotiable. So much of my feeling stuck was because of my own intractability about certain aspects of my life. Once I really looked at each part, with my own serenity as the goal, things started to look a lot clearer.
Hoping for clarity for you today.
Did you manage to contact any DV organisations about the fact you can't get him out of the house? Because your situation cannot be that unusual and they may have some bright ideas that your lawyers haven't thought of.
I know when I felt stuck, I had to think of everything in my life as negotiable. So much of my feeling stuck was because of my own intractability about certain aspects of my life. Once I really looked at each part, with my own serenity as the goal, things started to look a lot clearer.
Hoping for clarity for you today.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi puckett-
i just read all of your previous posts again. if i understand correctly, he contributes nothing to the household except occassional laundry and dishes and you pay for everything. he has no money, steals the occassional check from you in order to buy drink. the law in virginia is that you must separate (moved into daughter's room) for 12 months and you are not going to leave your house (understandably).
so, the issue you bring forward now is the truck. you originally "stole" the truck and now you have returned it to him.
inclusive of all the safety/legal issues raised by everyone else above, i also wish to put forward for your consideration that it cost money to run a truck. there is maintenance, gasoline, and insurance costs.
since he has no money, i will assume you are paying for all of this also.
i understand that you have much compassion for him in his depressed, alcoholic state but he refuses help offered and really does nothing to help himself. that is his choice.
i feel if i was in your situation (having to bear this very difficult 12 month until divorce) i would starve him out of the house.
what i mean by this is cease and desist in supporting him in any way. it sounds as if it is way too comfortable there for him.
i would do this by doing the following:
1. tighten up security on the checks by either closing the checking account or keeping all of your checkbooks at your place of work.
2. stop buying any food he likes and eat other things. stop buying coffee and cigarettes. if you want coffee yourself, pick one up on your way out of the office.
3. turn off the cable tv, as he spends most of his time watching sci-fi while lying about the house. i understand that you and the kids will also not have cable, but it will not harm the kids to find other activities.
4. take the truck off the road and cancel the insurance on it.
5. do not buy him anything anymore. no more socks, no more razors, no more shaving gel, no more underwear, no more cigarettes, no more newspapers, no more books, no more gasoline, no more car insurance, no more anything.
6. password secure your computer and block him from the internet, as he doesn't pay for it.
he has shown that with the truck, he will drink more. i vote no more truck.
naive
i just read all of your previous posts again. if i understand correctly, he contributes nothing to the household except occassional laundry and dishes and you pay for everything. he has no money, steals the occassional check from you in order to buy drink. the law in virginia is that you must separate (moved into daughter's room) for 12 months and you are not going to leave your house (understandably).
so, the issue you bring forward now is the truck. you originally "stole" the truck and now you have returned it to him.
inclusive of all the safety/legal issues raised by everyone else above, i also wish to put forward for your consideration that it cost money to run a truck. there is maintenance, gasoline, and insurance costs.
since he has no money, i will assume you are paying for all of this also.
i understand that you have much compassion for him in his depressed, alcoholic state but he refuses help offered and really does nothing to help himself. that is his choice.
i feel if i was in your situation (having to bear this very difficult 12 month until divorce) i would starve him out of the house.
what i mean by this is cease and desist in supporting him in any way. it sounds as if it is way too comfortable there for him.
i would do this by doing the following:
1. tighten up security on the checks by either closing the checking account or keeping all of your checkbooks at your place of work.
2. stop buying any food he likes and eat other things. stop buying coffee and cigarettes. if you want coffee yourself, pick one up on your way out of the office.
3. turn off the cable tv, as he spends most of his time watching sci-fi while lying about the house. i understand that you and the kids will also not have cable, but it will not harm the kids to find other activities.
4. take the truck off the road and cancel the insurance on it.
5. do not buy him anything anymore. no more socks, no more razors, no more shaving gel, no more underwear, no more cigarettes, no more newspapers, no more books, no more gasoline, no more car insurance, no more anything.
6. password secure your computer and block him from the internet, as he doesn't pay for it.
he has shown that with the truck, he will drink more. i vote no more truck.
naive
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I was not berating you in any way, only pointing out ...if AH injures/kills someone when drink driving...that while you may be legally free of liability, I doubt you would not have some feelings of guilt, for I know I would.
I thought that you have tried all you could to get him out, and nothing has worked so far, maybe removing all those home benefits, and including the truck, (if you can do that again) could at least free you from some of the work and money load you carry due to him. I think LTD's post above is a perfect way to go.
Honestly, how you have coped with this freeloader, and can do so til able to divorce him, I do not know. By now I would be in handcuffs, facing court on a murder charge.
I admire you for not up and letting him have those things you worked hard for.
God bless
I thought that you have tried all you could to get him out, and nothing has worked so far, maybe removing all those home benefits, and including the truck, (if you can do that again) could at least free you from some of the work and money load you carry due to him. I think LTD's post above is a perfect way to go.
Honestly, how you have coped with this freeloader, and can do so til able to divorce him, I do not know. By now I would be in handcuffs, facing court on a murder charge.
I admire you for not up and letting him have those things you worked hard for.
God bless
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