embarrassed myself at a meeting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
embarrassed myself at a meeting
Hi, guys, I got really embarrassed by what I said at an Al-Anon meeting last night and I feel like not going back or at least going to some other meeting. I am even hoping I don't run into anyone at the grocery store. Please, tell me what you really think.
Okay, I am just beginning and I know I have a long way to go. We were talking about some hard things and I said some hard truths about myself. I sounded nuts even to myself and I am sure that I am not. I don't even feel so bad as this all the time but sometimes I do. I am not an awful person - I was talking about the book I am reading, Codepence No More. I just don't normally say things like this to anyone.
What I said - talking about parents. I said my parents are dead and I don't forgive them. I want to, I hope I will, but I don't. And about myself - I said if anybody knew me like I knew me, I wouldn't have any friends.
People looked kind of shocked. Really. So now I am having all kinds of second thoughts.
I know I am not a bad person but through all these years I have done some things I would have a hard time accepting in someone else. The more I learn, the worse it looks on me, too. I am learning my part in these harmful games.
So - have things like this happened in your meetings? Was it any big deal? Do you think some of them will understand? Thanks for any help.
Okay, I am just beginning and I know I have a long way to go. We were talking about some hard things and I said some hard truths about myself. I sounded nuts even to myself and I am sure that I am not. I don't even feel so bad as this all the time but sometimes I do. I am not an awful person - I was talking about the book I am reading, Codepence No More. I just don't normally say things like this to anyone.
What I said - talking about parents. I said my parents are dead and I don't forgive them. I want to, I hope I will, but I don't. And about myself - I said if anybody knew me like I knew me, I wouldn't have any friends.
People looked kind of shocked. Really. So now I am having all kinds of second thoughts.
I know I am not a bad person but through all these years I have done some things I would have a hard time accepting in someone else. The more I learn, the worse it looks on me, too. I am learning my part in these harmful games.
So - have things like this happened in your meetings? Was it any big deal? Do you think some of them will understand? Thanks for any help.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 104
Countrygirl,
You were brave to say the things you said. It is a shame that people there seemed shocked. That you even said that you thought you sounded nuts and aren't happy with who you feel you have become, perhaps the response was misconcieved? I know when I am going out of my comfort zone I too feel like I am being critized or judged.
I am sure some there understood. Don't be so hard on yourself.
You were brave to say the things you said. It is a shame that people there seemed shocked. That you even said that you thought you sounded nuts and aren't happy with who you feel you have become, perhaps the response was misconcieved? I know when I am going out of my comfort zone I too feel like I am being critized or judged.
I am sure some there understood. Don't be so hard on yourself.
But Very, Very Bruisable...
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Palm Springs, Ca.
Posts: 548
I would bet a thousand dollars that they weren't shocked at all. I have a feeling that what you experienced was simply your perception of the meeting.
When I came into the rooms, I could have sworn people were talking about me, that my story was much worse than others, and that these people were all well, while I was very sick.
The truth was that we are all a bit sick, and that by sharing our sick, we all were getting well.
You will too. I know it.
When I came into the rooms, I could have sworn people were talking about me, that my story was much worse than others, and that these people were all well, while I was very sick.
The truth was that we are all a bit sick, and that by sharing our sick, we all were getting well.
You will too. I know it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Countrygirl... if these people said they never had thoughts like that they would be liars. The shock may be that you were able to organize your thoughts enough to say it (lots of times those are vagueries that float around in our minds) or it may be that they were shocked to hear their private thoughts that they have not been brave enough to announce pour out of the mouth of a newcomer.
And hey... if a little thing like that shocks or scares them, they may be in the wrong room, not you, because they obviously haven't lived with an alcoholic.
And hey... if a little thing like that shocks or scares them, they may be in the wrong room, not you, because they obviously haven't lived with an alcoholic.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Countrygirl
I see nothing wrong in what you said. Meetings are a safe place too express ourselves and talk about our true deep feelings, and where we know that our anonymity will be protected.
I have gone to meetings for years and shared things that would turn your hair grey, and heard things that surprised me not so much by their content but because the person who was sharing sometimes surprised me. But the empathy was there for both of us.
Please don't give up your meetings or feel embarassed for sharing the truth. The whole point of meetings is that one codependent sharing with another can help us work our programs and regain our sanity.
Hugs
Ann
I see nothing wrong in what you said. Meetings are a safe place too express ourselves and talk about our true deep feelings, and where we know that our anonymity will be protected.
I have gone to meetings for years and shared things that would turn your hair grey, and heard things that surprised me not so much by their content but because the person who was sharing sometimes surprised me. But the empathy was there for both of us.
Please don't give up your meetings or feel embarassed for sharing the truth. The whole point of meetings is that one codependent sharing with another can help us work our programs and regain our sanity.
Hugs
Ann
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Countrygirl, Who hasn't? 
Many times I have heard things in meetings that have shocked me - not what the person said or did but that they had the courage to be that honest and open about it. We all have issues and we're all sick people trying to get well. And no matter what I hear in meetings or read on these boards, I know I'm no better or worse than anyone else and I appreciate knowing others out there struggle with a lot of the same stuff I do.
You shouldn't be at all embarassed for what you said and I hope you keep going back to your meetings. I'm sure people weren't nearly as shocked as you think.
Hugs,
JG
I know I am not a bad person but through all these years I have done some things I would have a hard time accepting in someone else.
Many times I have heard things in meetings that have shocked me - not what the person said or did but that they had the courage to be that honest and open about it. We all have issues and we're all sick people trying to get well. And no matter what I hear in meetings or read on these boards, I know I'm no better or worse than anyone else and I appreciate knowing others out there struggle with a lot of the same stuff I do.
You shouldn't be at all embarassed for what you said and I hope you keep going back to your meetings. I'm sure people weren't nearly as shocked as you think.
Hugs,
JG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
Whew! Some short term relief. I feel better. So I am not the only one, that helps. Probably right, I might have been the most shocked one of all. I NEVER say those things out loud. Heck, I even kind of feel like moving to another town. Kidding sorta.
I'm really good at running away. Part of my problem, I expect.
Think I will hold off on telling anybody!!! how many times I have been married, ha, ha. Bet I have the record for this board. I just really wanted to be married and was very poor at picking partners. My girlfriend says I used up my turns and her turns, too.
I really think I am a good person, but I have a hard time believing anyone else would believe that, if they knew, and I want other people to think I am good. More problems. Oh, what an adventure.
I will go again. I still don't feel too good about it. Hope it is the way it is supposed to be, that it is all for the best. Who knows, maybe someone else did benefit from me saying it. Maybe even I benefited, hope so, not sure, well. I will read more books. Books have always been good to me.
Rambling on, of course. But thanks, and I do believe you.
I'm really good at running away. Part of my problem, I expect.
Think I will hold off on telling anybody!!! how many times I have been married, ha, ha. Bet I have the record for this board. I just really wanted to be married and was very poor at picking partners. My girlfriend says I used up my turns and her turns, too.
I really think I am a good person, but I have a hard time believing anyone else would believe that, if they knew, and I want other people to think I am good. More problems. Oh, what an adventure.
I will go again. I still don't feel too good about it. Hope it is the way it is supposed to be, that it is all for the best. Who knows, maybe someone else did benefit from me saying it. Maybe even I benefited, hope so, not sure, well. I will read more books. Books have always been good to me.
Rambling on, of course. But thanks, and I do believe you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: between the lakes
Posts: 60
Believe this too Countrygirl...it's doesn't matter a bit what someone else thinks. It's the nicest part of being all grown up.
Remember the line "I can't please everyone so I guess I'll please myself"?
Remember the line "I can't please everyone so I guess I'll please myself"?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Moms been married 6 times. So see youre not the only one. I been married for 32 to the same weasel. Should have ditched him a long time a go and got me a couple of 20 year olds. Just kidding. Im too old for kids. LOL.
I keep telling her just because you sleep with them you dont have to marry them. They dont care about that anymore. LOL.
Let me tell you a a secret. We think everybody else is always watching us. But really all of us are so busy worrying if we're doing something stupid ourselves that we miss other peoples stupid stuff.
Fess up. Did you notice anybody else doing anything shocking at the meeting?
I keep telling her just because you sleep with them you dont have to marry them. They dont care about that anymore. LOL.
Let me tell you a a secret. We think everybody else is always watching us. But really all of us are so busy worrying if we're doing something stupid ourselves that we miss other peoples stupid stuff.
Fess up. Did you notice anybody else doing anything shocking at the meeting?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
Perhaps they looked shocked because you appear to be a bright and beautiful person and they couldn't understand why you have such negative thoughts about yourself?? Of course, never having met you --you might look scarrrryyyyyy. haha.
Go back and address the meeting. Take the bull by the horns, tell them that they 'appeared' to be shocked and ask them why. I think you'll be shocked at the response you receive.
I'm only 4'8" and people look at me like a little kid. I sometimes feel so old and cynical and that most people would die if they knew some of the crap I've done.
I think it was in Codependent No More that I read a quote about 'just letting it go'. We can't change what we've done but we don't need to keep beating ourselves up over it. It's useless energy. Of course, I may have read that in Dr. Phil. hehe
Nice to meetcha.
Go back and address the meeting. Take the bull by the horns, tell them that they 'appeared' to be shocked and ask them why. I think you'll be shocked at the response you receive.
I'm only 4'8" and people look at me like a little kid. I sometimes feel so old and cynical and that most people would die if they knew some of the crap I've done.
I think it was in Codependent No More that I read a quote about 'just letting it go'. We can't change what we've done but we don't need to keep beating ourselves up over it. It's useless energy. Of course, I may have read that in Dr. Phil. hehe
Nice to meetcha.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Oh no.. I think your being honest in the meeting is what it's all about. Don't fret over this and keep going back. Sometimes what we say in meetings is often the same feelings someone else may have but can not share. Perhaps it was a lightbulb moment for some and not shock!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
Originally posted by Cecilia
Fess up. Did you notice anybody else doing anything shocking at the meeting?
Fess up. Did you notice anybody else doing anything shocking at the meeting?
It all seems like not such a big deal this morning. As I think about it, it is a lot about "shame" that I am carrying with me, not just my own either. And a lot of self-doubt.
I have been home alone / just with the A way too much for the past two years. We don't go places anymore and I don't like when people come out because he acts up sometimes. Better that the others are not here to see it ... Employment is off and on for him, mostly off for me ... Yeah, I can see where I might have gotten a bit off balance. Time with A 10, time with anyone else maybe a 1 or less. And I am getting to dread going anywhere, I guess home feels safer.
It is changing. I am going to meetings now, uncomfortable as it can be. I am doing research work in a library, volunteering with the elderly and have just started working as a sub at the school with handicapped children.
I enjoy the school but it is so new, I don't know what to do, I have to look at a map to find the next classroom, so afraid I am going to screw up obviously or people will think me strange. (I know I think me strange.) It seems so "public" you know? Hundreds of people are at the school. Oh, my.
Well, yeah, I have to work on the shame thing, and thinking I am the center of attention. Maybe a good thing it came up so strongly in the context of the Al-Anon meeting. That would be the best place for it. I just hope the rest of it goes smoothly. Oh, please. Especially at the school.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
You mentioned that you are good at running? Staying might just be the first step of a strong program.
Everytime I have been shocked at a meeting it was because the person was brave enough to say what they said.
Hugs,
JT
Everytime I have been shocked at a meeting it was because the person was brave enough to say what they said.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Well see. There ya go.
You were so busy worrying about your own foibles you didnt see any of theirs. Im sure theyre nice people. But if they didnt have problems they wouldnt be there.
Did you ever think that maybe they have the same problems or worse. They just werent talkin about them that night.
Could be what you thought was shock was just people paying attention. Living n seclusion with just your A, its probably been a while since anyone really paid attention to what you said. Men tune us out even when theyre sober.
Now that you have someone to listen, all the stored up stuff is comming out. Im sure the others are used to newbies being a little frantic at first. Thats why theyre being quiet. So you can let it all out without being interrupted.
Youre a lot better adjusted than me. I absolutely positively hate being in a group of people. And I especially hate being a new face in a group.
Being with new people can be good. Sometimes oldies wont let go of the past. WE want to grow up, move on, but thay wont let us. We try to teach them how to treat us but they want to keep us as we were. New people dont know any of your old baggage. They only know what they see.
Im a lot like you in a group. I walk in, I think OH CRIPES I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. But Ive found out that if you act confident, people will treat you that way. And pretty soon you are confident and its no longer an act. Its a lot less work to just be the way you want to be than to try to get people to stop treating you the old way.
AS far as school goes. Just think of yourself as one of the new kids. In a couple of days youll have everything down pat. In the meantime this will be a perfect opportunity to meet new people. Ask for directions, even when you dont need them. People like to be helpful.
You were so busy worrying about your own foibles you didnt see any of theirs. Im sure theyre nice people. But if they didnt have problems they wouldnt be there.
Did you ever think that maybe they have the same problems or worse. They just werent talkin about them that night.
Could be what you thought was shock was just people paying attention. Living n seclusion with just your A, its probably been a while since anyone really paid attention to what you said. Men tune us out even when theyre sober.
Now that you have someone to listen, all the stored up stuff is comming out. Im sure the others are used to newbies being a little frantic at first. Thats why theyre being quiet. So you can let it all out without being interrupted.
Youre a lot better adjusted than me. I absolutely positively hate being in a group of people. And I especially hate being a new face in a group.
Being with new people can be good. Sometimes oldies wont let go of the past. WE want to grow up, move on, but thay wont let us. We try to teach them how to treat us but they want to keep us as we were. New people dont know any of your old baggage. They only know what they see.
Im a lot like you in a group. I walk in, I think OH CRIPES I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. But Ive found out that if you act confident, people will treat you that way. And pretty soon you are confident and its no longer an act. Its a lot less work to just be the way you want to be than to try to get people to stop treating you the old way.
AS far as school goes. Just think of yourself as one of the new kids. In a couple of days youll have everything down pat. In the meantime this will be a perfect opportunity to meet new people. Ask for directions, even when you dont need them. People like to be helpful.
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