MsAngel

I'm glad I found this forum, I've been reading here a lot the past week & found it very helpful. I am finally starting to come to terms with the fact that AH is truly an A & that I can’t fix him. I never saw it before & even when I started to see the problem I didn't think he fit into what I thought of as a classic alcoholic.

The first time I realized we had a serious problem was 3.5 months ago when he came home drunk at 3 AM & scared me so bad I took our son & left & then he proceeded to completely trash the house. Sadly, it wasn’t even that event that opened my eyes. It was the fact in the days following he told me it was my fault that he trashed the house & how else is he supposed to act when his wife lies to him (which I didn’t). I was shocked that he was not only defending his behavior, but blaming it on me. That is what really made me realize that he has a problem.

The next month was hell. He didn’t know, but I hired a lawyer to do our divorce & was going to get a restraining order to get him out, but then he agreed to move out on his own so I put things on hold. Things were getting better, he was coming by to help out, taking care of stuff around the house. He wasn’t coming over drunk, but I think he was drinking most of the rest of the time. On the surface we were getting along & actually having fun, but never discussing the more important issues in our marriage.

On May 11th he went to jail for a DUI he got a year ago (you think I would have seen the DUI as a sign). He kept screwing up his probation – failed a UA, failed a BA, missed too many classes, so they finally just sent him to jail. We have been writing a bunch & most of his letters are so sweet, talking about how everything will be different & we will be happy again, but again failing to talk about the drinking. He kept saying we need to agree to disagree on the issue & refused to discuss it. He fully admits to being an alcoholic, but says he prefers that lifestyle. Finally I wrote him that I understand I can’t make him change, but I don’t want to be around him drunk or have him around our kids drunk, or have him drinking at the house. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote, but I think that was the basic idea of it & I assume it was what upset him.

He flipped out, the last I heard from him was a letter about how I never loved him for him & have obviously wanted a divorce for the past 6 months & I’m a crazy b**** & he is leaving the state forever & never wants to speak to me again. I wrote him back explaining why I said what I said & that he needs to respect my feelings & see the negative impact his actions are having on our family. Maybe I shouldn’t have replied, but I was devastated that after being sober for a month he would act this way just because I don’t wish to spend time with him when his is drunk. I guess deep inside I was hoping that sobering up would make him want to change.

So now he gets out tomorrow & I am scared & so stressed out. I have no idea how he is feeling, how he will act, if he is really going to leave (he has threatened leaving many times, but never has). I have no idea if the letter was written in a moment of anger or if he has been stewing in his hatred for me for the past week.

I tried to give what few things he still had at our house to his brother, which is what the letter asked, but his brother said no. He said that AH was just overreacting to something stupid & he will get over it. He said AH has acted like that his whole life, blaming other people instead of taking responsibility & getting overly upset when his feelings are hurt. He said he has been telling AH what a great life he has & how he is being an idiot.

I am really trying to stay strong right now & this forum seems filled with helpful people so I thought maybe I would get some good advice. My head knows that if he really wants to continue to drink, then we are better off without him. But, in my heart I can’t stop crying over the loss of our family.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to just let him go until I actually hate him, but I really don’t want to hate him. He wasn’t always like this either. We used to be happy & have fun & I just long for that person back. He did always drink, so he probably always had a problem & I didn’t see it. But recently he has been through a string of events that stressed him out, started hanging out with some bad friends, & now he drinks a lot more & it brings out a rage that I have never seen in him before.

Thanks for listening, just sharing this helps a little.

Hadassah

First off, welcome to the SR. You will find many friendly, helpful people here.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. My heart goes out to you and your children. I am in the process of divorcing my AH of 19 years.
I also have kids and its all very hard for them.
I am sorry to say that the man you married is not around right now. I won't say he won't be back becasue I can't tell the future, but for now you need to accept that your life is no longer what you thought it was.
The best thing that I did when I was at the point you are now, is to make a plan for the future. If I could go back a year I would start putting money away.
You need to make a list of what you need to do to be able to live as a single parent. I don't know if you work, but if so that's a plus. I had been a sahm for 10 years when AH left. So finances are imortant.
Also, you will need to let go of the man you used to know. He's not the same, and he may never go back to what he was. It seems like something clicked in him, and not a good click either.
He is going to blalme you for everything under the sun. Even if he knows that it wasn't your fault, and his drinking is in no way, shape or form , YOUR fault. I hope you take this to heart. If nothing else, please know this. Alcoholics are famous for blaming others for their problems and addiction. They cannot face what they are. So no mattere what he blames you for, just hear it as the quacking that it is.
God bless, H

Learn2Live

Hi Angel, thanks for sharing.

After all this:
You want him to come back and live with you and the kids when he gets out of jail?

Starburst

Hi just wanted to welcome you to our family, don't have too much advice, except I am sorry you had to go through this and that you and your son have to live in fear of what might happen. He is not the person you married right now, so you have to take care of you and your son, he needs you now. You seem to have all your ducks in a row and i am sure there will be many others here to give u a wealth of advice. Thinking and praying for you. (((HUGS)))

Hammerhead

Welcome to SR MsAngel... SR has been a lifesaver for me. I hope you find the support and information that you need.


He fully admits to being an alcoholic, (good start)

but says he prefers that lifestyle.... so he prefers the following:

It would be so much easier if he'd just quit... right? Well him quitting is up to him... and there's not one friggin thing we can do about it... that's the tough part....and it sucks. Geez you'd think he would at least have some consideration for you... right?

You'd think we could make this a logical discussion... we can't and we never will get the active alcoholic to have or adhere to a logical discussion.... ever. Alcoholism is a progressive disease... that's why it's getting worse... and it aint gonna get no better til he wants it to get better. The more you do to make life easier for him.... do for him what he is capable of doing... your life will become more miserable. Sorry.

History is the best predictor of future behavior... he may be nice for a day, a week or a month...

the question you might consider asking yourself... Is this acceptable for me? Can I live this way for the rest of my life? Do I want this?

The fact that he said:
Shows juvenile manipulation. Obviously you love him... if you didn't love him you'd never stuck around this long... it's not that you don't love him.... you obviously do...

Do you love yourself? Do you love yourself enough to give yourself the life that you deserve and want so badly.

We'd all be so fortunate to have our significant other A leave and never bother us again... it would make life so much easier. Know this... they need us way more than we need them!

Stick around. Take what you need and leave the rest. This is not a test.... BUT it is your life.

The stickies at the top are tremendously helpful.

Take care.

FarawayFromCars

Welcome to SR, MsAngel. You will find a lot of understanding and support here, and many people who have walked in your shoes, so welcome and keep posting.

In my experience, classic behavior of an A. My AS does this all the time; it is everyone else's fault but hers. I've come to the realization that by blaming everyone else, she doesn't have to focus on herself or the fact that she is responsible for her alcoholism.



Well, of course he does....because he has found a way to manipulate the situation so that it suits him (and meanwhile, you and your children are suffering).



That is a good step...it sounds like you are setting boundaries, and that is healthy. I know it is painful and difficult to reach this step, but it's important that you put yourself and your son above his behavior. Until he's willing to change, nothing changes. But you can. Keep yourself and your son safe.

Keep posting, and know that we all understand what you're going through and support you.
Hugs and welcome!

MsAngel

Thanks for the thoughts. It is nice to have people who understand, no one in my life has ever dealt with an alcoholic, nor have I, so I have been very lost the last few months. But, I have started counseling which has helped greatly.
Not unless he is sober, I don't think we will ever be happy unless he stops drinking. Maybe that is why he flipped out, because he realizes I don't want him around when he is drunk & there is no way he could live here & never be drunk around me or the kids. He will have to go back to live with his brother & a friend in their tiny 2 bedroom apt, where he was miserable. I was actually surprised, after he first moved out, he really missed being home. I figured his new place would be party central (they all drink to different degrees) & he would have a blast living the single life, but he really wasn't happy. Several times he tried to kind of sneak his way back into living with me, but I never let him. Maybe he just assumed he would come home after jail.

I am also pregnant, which makes things tough. If he doesn't come around I will likely have to move in with my parents for a while. I have a job & a house, but just can't afford everything with the extra cost of daycare, unless he starts helping.

One of the reasons I am trying to be strong is for my kids. They deserve better than to live with the crazy person he has become. My son isn't even 2 yet, so everything this far hasn't had too much of an impact, although the yelling definitely was upsetting him at times. He only seemed confused for a few days after AH moved out & seems to have been coping well since then.

I am praying that he has thought more about his problems & my letters & will want to change. Either that or hopefully he will just leave. I'm afraid that I will never be strong enough to completely walk away & I'll always be trying to save him as long as he is around. But, at least I'm trying to set boundaries. Now I just need to stay strong.

Learn2Live

Good for you! Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings? This would be especially helpful to you since none of your family is familiar with dealing with people with alcoholism. The people you meet in Al-Anon will provide you with amazing support and understanding.

You definitely sound like a strong woman to me!!! Please take good care of yourself and keep posting :O)

canuckch

You are more than just trying. You have told him what you will and what you will not accept. You have been trying to figure out where to live later on and what you can afford. You have been making contingency plans. The tough part is to go through with those.

When I was reading your post it seemed like AH is blaming his drinking and his problems on you. I think it was really convenient for him to get mad at your letter. After all, this will give him an excuse to go straight back to drinking when he gets out and it will be your fault because he was upset about your letter.

Your little one and your new baby are very lucky to have you. To have you put them front and center, to do everything to protect them from growing up in a dysfunctional home.

MsAngel

So AH is out of jail & all I got is a text that he will call me tonight. I have no idea what to think of that & it is making me miserable. I almost didn't even come to work today because I was so upset & will probably leave early because I have an appointment this afternoon & I think I will need a little time to myself to cry before then.

I really thinking that he is going to tell me it is over because why else would he not want to see me or talk to me first thing when he got out? Maybe he is picking up his stuff while I work & that will be it.

But, there is still a stupid part of my brain that is trying to come up with other reasons - like he wants to surprise me this afternoon, or he just wanted some time to himself to get cleaned up, or he wants time to have a real conversation about our relationship, or he wants to go look for a job, or find an AA group. Or maybe he just wanted to go get drunk first thing & knew I wouldn't want to see him like that . Also, if he wanted us to work things out, then he probably would have said he will come by tonight, not he will call tonight. I can only think that calling means bad things.

Argh, I hate not knowing & my brain won't stop running in circles wondering where he is emotionally. I really left it all up to him in my letters too & maybe that was a mistake. I can't help second guessing everything I wrote too, although I don't remember a lot of it. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help thinking if I just hadn't mentioned certain things or phrased stuff differently, then maybe we could have worked it out. I know that is stupid because these issues had to be discussed at some point & he probably would have the same reaction regardless of when we discussed them or how I brought them up. I just thought hearing this stuff while sober might make it actually sink in.

Hammerhead

All you got was a text saying he would call... Outright manipulation! If you don't go to work... it could make things worse for YOU not him. Compounding your problem... not solving it.

He most likely is headed straight for a bottle. I can't say that definitively....
But that's not the point. You can spend your time speculating for the next 3 days... ....
Or you can begin asking yourself real questions like .... is this ok with YOU?
Watch what he does... don't listen to the excuses, noise and manipulation... watch him and put your fingers in your ears you'll be amazed with what you see.

We all have had a good dose of stupid parts in our brain... it's called denial or magical thinking.

Your brain will continue to go in circles... because you're trying to figure out someone who is running in circles! Of course you're second guessing what you wrote... because you wrote it with expectation... and you're beginning to realize that your expectations aren't happening... so you begin to wonder what you "should" have wrote to get the response from him you're desperately seeking.

MsAngel... you do know what to think... it's just too painful to see the truth. Many of us on SR have been right where you are right now.

I agree with canuckch... Today is an opportunity for you to receive clarification... to remove doubts... it could be painful... but it could be your next step towards creating a more sane life for you.

Take care and keep us posted.

((Major big hugs))