New and struggling opiate addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Boston, ma
Posts: 59
New and struggling opiate addict
Hi all,
I wanted to introduce myself and let you know a bit of my background of using. I was always a sensitive and creative person and never felt completely comfortable with others. I remember being about 4 yrs old and meeting new children...they made fun of my shyness. I was born in a rural area that was being developed when I was about 3 yrs old. I have always been a nervous person and could never relax. To this day I can't relax unless I am taking pills.
I had a wonderful family but many traumatic incidences in my life. In a nutshell, lost my 5 yr old brother to heart disease, lost my oldest brother to an overdose, lost any chance to have children because of infertility. I could go on, but I'm sure you get that my life has not been easy.
I did my fair amount of drinking and partying. Not much into the drugs, I left that to my eldest brother. After he passed away...it all changed. I had 4 operations trying to get pregnant. Did not work and ended up having a hysterectomy at 26 yrs old (same time my brother died). I ended up liking the opiates and would seek them out. They were fairly easy to get from a Doc. I never got addicted and would stop after the well was dry.
Fast forward to 3 yrs ago. I was getting some minor surgery done and was worried the Doc would not be generous with painkillers. I was amazed to find an online pharm. It was so easy to do. I got myself addicted really good this time. I was taking 15-20 norcos a day and somas if I had them. I ended up getting a precription from a doc for them...I would go through so fast...I ended up buying from other people. That is over for now. I still have a prescription that is legit. I go through 120 pills in 1 week to 9 days or so. Crazy, I know.
I ran out of pills two weeks ago (I think). I did not note the day because of having a few mscontin my brother sent me. That kept me out of wd's and I believe that was over 2 weeks ago.
I do want to quit these pills. I feel that they have taken my very soul from me. I feel absolutely nothing inside and feel like I never will again. I am starting to feel emotion from writing this...but I refuse to cry. I have been reading all of the posts for the last 6 days or so. It has given me some hope that I can possibly beat this. I am just very unsure of myself. I feel so lethargic and empty inside. I can't move to clean my office or do anything. It is like I am frozen to this spot. I feel safe in my office with my computer. I have a wonderful husband that knows what is going on.
I thank you for letting me vent and hope I have not broken any rules. If so, please let me know. I did read all the rule that newbies should. I could have missed something though.
I wish all of you the best and so many of your posts have helped me a lot. You are a courageous group of people and I am happy to be here.
Thanks so much.
I wanted to introduce myself and let you know a bit of my background of using. I was always a sensitive and creative person and never felt completely comfortable with others. I remember being about 4 yrs old and meeting new children...they made fun of my shyness. I was born in a rural area that was being developed when I was about 3 yrs old. I have always been a nervous person and could never relax. To this day I can't relax unless I am taking pills.
I had a wonderful family but many traumatic incidences in my life. In a nutshell, lost my 5 yr old brother to heart disease, lost my oldest brother to an overdose, lost any chance to have children because of infertility. I could go on, but I'm sure you get that my life has not been easy.
I did my fair amount of drinking and partying. Not much into the drugs, I left that to my eldest brother. After he passed away...it all changed. I had 4 operations trying to get pregnant. Did not work and ended up having a hysterectomy at 26 yrs old (same time my brother died). I ended up liking the opiates and would seek them out. They were fairly easy to get from a Doc. I never got addicted and would stop after the well was dry.
Fast forward to 3 yrs ago. I was getting some minor surgery done and was worried the Doc would not be generous with painkillers. I was amazed to find an online pharm. It was so easy to do. I got myself addicted really good this time. I was taking 15-20 norcos a day and somas if I had them. I ended up getting a precription from a doc for them...I would go through so fast...I ended up buying from other people. That is over for now. I still have a prescription that is legit. I go through 120 pills in 1 week to 9 days or so. Crazy, I know.
I ran out of pills two weeks ago (I think). I did not note the day because of having a few mscontin my brother sent me. That kept me out of wd's and I believe that was over 2 weeks ago.
I do want to quit these pills. I feel that they have taken my very soul from me. I feel absolutely nothing inside and feel like I never will again. I am starting to feel emotion from writing this...but I refuse to cry. I have been reading all of the posts for the last 6 days or so. It has given me some hope that I can possibly beat this. I am just very unsure of myself. I feel so lethargic and empty inside. I can't move to clean my office or do anything. It is like I am frozen to this spot. I feel safe in my office with my computer. I have a wonderful husband that knows what is going on.
I thank you for letting me vent and hope I have not broken any rules. If so, please let me know. I did read all the rule that newbies should. I could have missed something though.
I wish all of you the best and so many of your posts have helped me a lot. You are a courageous group of people and I am happy to be here.
Thanks so much.
Last edited by BabsyGirl; 06-15-2010 at 09:01 AM. Reason: spelling
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Bab - this is a great place and I hope you've already discovered the Substance Abuse section of SR. I know what you mean about a substance robbing you of your soul. I felt the same way the last year of drinking. There's no peace of mind when everything involves drinking or using. Have you talked to the doctor who prescribed your pills? If you're totally honest about what you're going through, maybe they can help.
I hope you can get free of your addiction... Like is so much better without having that monkey on our backs.
I hope you can get free of your addiction... Like is so much better without having that monkey on our backs.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: chico, ca
Posts: 321
Welcome Babs. Yes you can beat this. There are many programs that are free and willing to help you along with SR. I and many others on this forum had that same kind of problem a while ago and haven't had to go back to it, but it does take effort on your part. Wanting to stop is very important, but it cant end there, or it doesnt seem to last very long. At least for me it was that way. Stick around and ask questions, maybe visit one of the 12 step programs up in Bean town. Again, welcome. God Bless
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Hi and Welcome,
I agree with you, that addiction robs us of our souls. I was also completely lost and empty when I knew I had to stop drinking.
I'm glad you are here and seeking support.
I agree with you, that addiction robs us of our souls. I was also completely lost and empty when I knew I had to stop drinking.
I'm glad you are here and seeking support.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Hey there! Ex opiate (and anything else I could smoke, snort, shoot, drink..) junkie here...wanted to welcome you. You'll feel like **** for a while, that's just a fact..but stay close to support, like here 
glad you found us!
glad you found us!
Last edited by smacked; 06-15-2010 at 07:26 PM. Reason: typos of course
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Vista, Ca
Posts: 8
Hey! and welcome to the forums, another ex opioid user and i can relate to what your feeling right now, the numbness the emotionless state, I loved it, nothing could harm me and if i did hurt someone else i wouldn't care.
It wasn't until i had a spiritual awakening that knocked me out of shape.
You can do it, detoxing is not the best thing to feel but your emotions will hit you like a train.
Just remember help is only a phone call away!
It wasn't until i had a spiritual awakening that knocked me out of shape.
You can do it, detoxing is not the best thing to feel but your emotions will hit you like a train.
Just remember help is only a phone call away!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Boston, ma
Posts: 59
Thanks so much to all for the warm welcome and encouraging words. This is the first day I'm starting to feel somewhat alert. The opiates were with me through a lot of stress and sorrow. I lost my Dad 1 1/2 yrs ago to cancer and was medicated through all. I did feel every emotion with him and stayed by his side 24/7. I feel like an jerk saying that after he passed I scoffed his hydros. I would never have done it if he had been alive and using them. I never would have done it if not for the fact I am a drug addict.
My mind tells me it would be ok to use them for back pain if I take as directed. I know...it is my addictive brain telling me that. My only brother (living) has medical problems and he is also addicted. I just don't understand how all of us children turned to pain killers. My folks would have some drinks on weekends and my mother (God rest her soul) was a bit of a hypochondriac. I don't believe she ever took narcotics. She might have taken benzos after the death of my little brother. My Dad hated any kind of pill. I have always been like this...needed more of everything. I always wanted the most candy, soda, etc. when I was a child and as a young adult...felt the same way about drink and drugs. I was pretty tame with the drugs until my late 20's. I tried coke, acid (once was enough), but my DOC was opiates. I loved the escape and the feeling it gave me.
I am terrified to go to a N/A meeting...but thought I would go over the steps on here. My doc retired and his replacement is nice enough but I don't want to be branded as an addict. I'm afraid if something happens to me and I am in pain...I will be out of luck.
It is up to me to beat this and learn to live with real emotion. I know that intellectually. It does feel better to know that others understand what going through this is like. If only I could turn back the clock to 3 yrs ago...I might still have a job. I might have a chunk of my inheritance still. I have spend lots of money...as I am sure you all know. Money didn't matter...my drugs did.
I will keep reading and sort this all out. You are all a great support and reading this forum has helped me in the last week. I am spiritual and have prayed on this. I do believe in a HP.
Thanks so much for reading my ramblings and for your kind responses.
God Bless and keep you sober...I hope someday to be able to help someone too...once I can get through this. I have to learn to live without them.
Babsy
My mind tells me it would be ok to use them for back pain if I take as directed. I know...it is my addictive brain telling me that. My only brother (living) has medical problems and he is also addicted. I just don't understand how all of us children turned to pain killers. My folks would have some drinks on weekends and my mother (God rest her soul) was a bit of a hypochondriac. I don't believe she ever took narcotics. She might have taken benzos after the death of my little brother. My Dad hated any kind of pill. I have always been like this...needed more of everything. I always wanted the most candy, soda, etc. when I was a child and as a young adult...felt the same way about drink and drugs. I was pretty tame with the drugs until my late 20's. I tried coke, acid (once was enough), but my DOC was opiates. I loved the escape and the feeling it gave me.
I am terrified to go to a N/A meeting...but thought I would go over the steps on here. My doc retired and his replacement is nice enough but I don't want to be branded as an addict. I'm afraid if something happens to me and I am in pain...I will be out of luck.
It is up to me to beat this and learn to live with real emotion. I know that intellectually. It does feel better to know that others understand what going through this is like. If only I could turn back the clock to 3 yrs ago...I might still have a job. I might have a chunk of my inheritance still. I have spend lots of money...as I am sure you all know. Money didn't matter...my drugs did.
I will keep reading and sort this all out. You are all a great support and reading this forum has helped me in the last week. I am spiritual and have prayed on this. I do believe in a HP.
Thanks so much for reading my ramblings and for your kind responses.
God Bless and keep you sober...I hope someday to be able to help someone too...once I can get through this. I have to learn to live without them.
Babsy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Hello and welcome to SR...
I understand how you feel...An opiate addiction is lonely, very stressful,(wondering where you will find more pills), can be expensive, and most of all deadly...Too much tylenol with opiates is a liver killer...When you are going through 120 pills in a week , you are killing your liver...
You have made an important step in admitting you are out of control with opiates...By coming here you have also made a huge step in recovery...Latch on to all the support you can find...Make a decision to stop...
Thinking of you...
I understand how you feel...An opiate addiction is lonely, very stressful,(wondering where you will find more pills), can be expensive, and most of all deadly...Too much tylenol with opiates is a liver killer...When you are going through 120 pills in a week , you are killing your liver...
You have made an important step in admitting you are out of control with opiates...By coming here you have also made a huge step in recovery...Latch on to all the support you can find...Make a decision to stop...
Thinking of you...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Alton, Illinois
Posts: 135
One day at a time you can beat this, but you have to want it. I know the feeling of being stuck in a spot all to well. What worked for me is making myself do something. Anything. As for Na. It works. You speak of fear. Fear of detox kept me using. Fear of going to an NA meeting is keeping you from recovery. This site is great for support, but in my humble opinion you need to meet some real face to face people with some good recovery. NA is the place for that. Stay strong. Peace and love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Boston, ma
Posts: 59
I understand how you feel...An opiate addiction is lonely, very stressful,(wondering where you will find more pills), can be expensive, and most of all deadly...Too much tylenol with opiates is a liver killer...When you are going through 120 pills in a week , you are killing your liver...
Missymae,
Thanks so much for your response. It is the loneliest feeling you could ever have. I feel so bad for my husband. We used to talk and laugh all the time. Since my addictions he has taken over everything and I either stay on the computer or in my bedroom watching stupid mindless television. Today is the first day I feel an inkling of emotion and am starting to think how I have ignored my husband for so long. I also feel very selfish and mean. I know that emotion will not help me too much. Today I am going to leave the computer room and sit on the porch with him. Yesterday he mentioned I seemed a little bit better (as far as depression goes). I started taking Chantix to quit smoking, but it was making me feel really off in the worst way. I read up on it on the net and just stopped.
Thanks again...you are all very kind.
God Bless,
Babsy
Missymae,
Thanks so much for your response. It is the loneliest feeling you could ever have. I feel so bad for my husband. We used to talk and laugh all the time. Since my addictions he has taken over everything and I either stay on the computer or in my bedroom watching stupid mindless television. Today is the first day I feel an inkling of emotion and am starting to think how I have ignored my husband for so long. I also feel very selfish and mean. I know that emotion will not help me too much. Today I am going to leave the computer room and sit on the porch with him. Yesterday he mentioned I seemed a little bit better (as far as depression goes). I started taking Chantix to quit smoking, but it was making me feel really off in the worst way. I read up on it on the net and just stopped.
Thanks again...you are all very kind.
God Bless,
Babsy
Last edited by BabsyGirl; 06-16-2010 at 07:24 AM. Reason: adding name
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Boston, ma
Posts: 59
Hi Video,
I am going to force myself to do something today. I need to get out of this office and start to live life again. If it were warmer, I would go for a swim to get some exercize. I'm a big baby when it comes to cold water.
Thanks for all your help,
Babsy
I am going to force myself to do something today. I need to get out of this office and start to live life again. If it were warmer, I would go for a swim to get some exercize. I'm a big baby when it comes to cold water.
Thanks for all your help,
Babsy
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Alton, Illinois
Posts: 135
For me changing my kids diaper, doing dishes, taking a walk, listening to peaceful music, reading a book with a message of recovery, and going to NA meetings were all things I forced myself to do. The first 5 or 6 days I just layed on my couch and felt sorry for myself. This made me feel horrible. When I started forcing myself to do these things I didn't get instantly better, but I got a momentary reprieve from the hell I was living in. Everyday I feel better. It's a hard uphill journey, but the payoff is well worth it. Peace and love.
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