bochuck

I am on my 4th day. My husband drinks on his nights off which is mon tues and wed. Last night he drank about 18 beers. He was getting argumentative about stupid things. I couldn't stand it and kept going to another room. He would follow and not be very nice. When I drank with him I would tell him to F off. The next day I would wonder well we argue because we r both drunk. But now that I haven't been drinking I see he is the antagonist. He actually has been on vacation and had been off for 5days. He has drank all 5 and started arguments for no reason. Last night I was upstairs folding laudrey he came up and said you need to help more around the house and I don't mean laudrey. You need to take it upon yourself to start projects without reluing on me. He said like paint the bathroom tmrw. I said ok. He kept going on ...are you going to be able to do it without screwing it up. I said yes he asked again and again the same ?. I wanted to cry but didn't. I don't know how I am going to take this we'll see what happens tonight I can't discuss this when he is drunk because things will get worse. yes I will say something today before he drinks again. During my painting.

Wilde10

Have read your other thread... It is pretty obvious that for some strange reason you have made yourself believe that you were the only one in the house with a drinking problem.

This is not going to help you at all. His behaviour is pretty abusive and I do not see how are you going to cope with being an alcoholic in early stage of recovery + being the partner of another one. Hope much more experienced people than me can give you more positive views. Well done with your 4 days!

Anna

I am sorry that you have to deal with your husband's drinking.

I hope you are able to put some space between you and him and focus on your sobriety.

sobermax

Hi Bochuck,

I am full of admiration for the fact that you found the resolve to stop drinking in such a difficult environment. I wouldn't have been able to do it.

I used to start arguments with my wife when drunk - finding ways to pick away at her self-esteem. I hated it that she was so 'together' while I was drunk again. She endured this for years despite being miserable. She had to cultivate 'neutral behaviour' that wouldn't make me worse - all I wanted was to wind her up so she would snap back and I could blame it ALL on her.

Obviously I have no idea if any of this is true in your case, but your post made me think, so thank you.

Please keep posting.

SM

shelly009

I have to agree with Wilde here...

My husband drinks sometimes too and can become quite the antagonist as well. I have told him that he is walking a fine line and that if his drinking compromises my sobriety then we will not last. He is doing good not drinking around me. I couldnt do it if he was... it would make me want to drink as well.

Drinking or not he should not be following you around and verbally abusing you. Maybe you need to draw some boundries.

smacked

I could not be in a relationship with an abusive man. I could not be in a relationship with an active drunk. My serenity and my sobriety are not things I will compromise. I hope you draw some boundaries for yourself to protect both of those things.

loveon2legs

I know this may sound harsh..but you don't need that crap!! I was involved with an abusive man for 7 long horrible years....words just like that were spoken to me, I was abused physically and mentally and the entire time I just drank and drank..thinking everything was my fault..my self worth was zero....He's is probably threatned by you not drinking now....the game has changed.....good that you didn't confront him or argue with him while he was drunk...Find a good time to talk with him and lay out some boundaries...it's time hun...xo
Please pm if you need to chat..

LovesToTravel

Would you normally be doing things like painting? If he is drinking that much sounds like he doesn't have much time to devote to things like that. Perhaps he thinks you can do it now. You should just sit back and watch and listen...the balance of power could be changing? Perhaps he doesn't like that? Mmmmm...good reason to keep going..one day at a time....(been there...done that...I like it NOW)

bochuck

sobermax what you wrote is exactly my situation with my husband. I don't understand why you would want to wind someone up to start a fight. Especially when you relizae that you are doing it and are wrong. It is a terrible enviroment for us to stay neutral. Thank you for writing what you wrote. But why do you think he does it to make himself feel better. Did you feel sorry the next day that you started an argument for no reason? I hope this doesn't continue

Wilde10

Bochuck,
I do not think it is relevant to know the reasons behind the behaviour you were describing in your first post. It is a not acceptable by any standards. I am not telling you to ditch him. I know this will not be useful and that relationships are normally very complex. However, you need to observe, to be attentive and SOBER.... to be able to assess by yourself what is going on in your house.

Do not look for excuses. If you could not see that an abusive pattern was there because you were drunk and probably abusive yourself, this is the past. But if you can see this is happening, try to make a plan of recovery that includes changing this situation. If you keep looking for reasons, you will find them... to drink.

CajunsCheri

<<I am on my 4th day.>>
This is so brand new!!! Congratulations on your sobriety! I wonder if he might be feeling a little insecure about his drinking due to your lack of drinking? The Chapter on The Family Afterward would be a great read right now. My dh and I are both gratefully (and recently) recovered alcoholics. While drinking, we fought on the worst nights. Now that both of us are sober, we don't fight at all. We diffuse with laughter, we poke fun sometimes, but we do not fight. Life is just too short for that. I have to say that while we were both drinking, his intake was heavier (like your husband's), but my behavior was more volatile. I could be so happy drunk and then suddenly sad, or mad. In time, we both got used to the patterns and they became habits, albeit bad ones. Four days is definitely not enough to break a habit. Rather than encourage you to run (at least, not yet); I would encourage you to be patient, kind, and loving. Remember that he is not going to feel good about drinking alone now that you've quit. It makes him feel like a LOSER inside. My dh can attest to this. And you cannot

Want to know the funniest part? When we both finally became sober for good and all, he quit 10 days before I did!!! Even though I had quit many times for weeks before, the obsession was still there. It wasn't until he introduced me to a way of looking it (AA Foundation meeting) that I started really "getting it".

The hardest part for me back then was realizing that just because I had longer and more periods of sobriety, I was not better than him. As soon as I started treating him with respect in all things, both of us got better.

That said, any true abuse (physical or emotional) that is going on is not acceptable. I don't know if children are involved, but it's important to protect yourself and anyone else in the home from any and all abuse.

=)

CajunsCheri

You cannot part was something I started and forgot to delete. Please ignore that. LOL.

Also, keep in mind that every alcoholic has different patterns. Four days of not drinking for me was normal, but I was still an active alcoholic. When Friday came, I drank again. Many alcoholics are not daily drinkers, or morning drinkers. 100% abstinence for a period of time LONGER than I usually went was when I truly was "sober".

I think that's important to keep in mind. I was a true alcoholic. So much so that I had to receive B12 shots because my enzymes (liver AND pancreas) were through the roof. Everything was off. I did permanent damage to my body even though I abstained during the week.

Thanks for listening!!!