Tough Time Today
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Tough Time Today
I am having a rather tough time right now, trying to manage some bad anxiety that I think is being caused by a bunch of uncertainties happening in my life and my BFs life all at the same time. I didn't manage very well last night and am feeling bad for some things I said to him and the fact that I likely made life more stressful for my BF. In other words, my bad behavior did not help matters for him trying to deal with his STBXAW who also does cocaine, as if the alcohol isn't enough.
What it all comes down to is that I have NO PATIENCE for alcoholics and addicts anymore. I have gotten to the point where I see NO SENSE in keeping one in my life who causes me any trouble. It is EASIER to dispose of them, throw them out completely, than it is to deal with them at all, IMO. They are going through a divorce and I am unable to support him. Any mention of his issues and I go ballistic. Made a damn fool of myself with my mouth last night and now feel badly about it. I guess that is guilt and I should follow my own advice and stomp it out? I don't know what lesson there is in this. Can't find it.
Don't know if I'm making any sense but thanks for being there and thanks for listening. I hope you all have a nice, anxiety- and stress-free day.
What it all comes down to is that I have NO PATIENCE for alcoholics and addicts anymore. I have gotten to the point where I see NO SENSE in keeping one in my life who causes me any trouble. It is EASIER to dispose of them, throw them out completely, than it is to deal with them at all, IMO. They are going through a divorce and I am unable to support him. Any mention of his issues and I go ballistic. Made a damn fool of myself with my mouth last night and now feel badly about it. I guess that is guilt and I should follow my own advice and stomp it out? I don't know what lesson there is in this. Can't find it.
Don't know if I'm making any sense but thanks for being there and thanks for listening. I hope you all have a nice, anxiety- and stress-free day.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
:ghug3
Sorry you're having such a craptastic time of it right now. The only suggestion I have is that the situation between your BF and his STBX is HIS BUSINESS. You can offer support etc - but you have to take care of yourself first. Stop worrying about making life more stressful for the BF and start worrying about your stress, your boundaries and what you will and will not tolerate in your life. If you can't handle the drama, ask that he doesn't relate it to you. Let him know it is a trigger for you. There is nothing you can do about his STBX and really, you don't need to know. Please make taking care of you a priority, as hard as that seems. Is he in Al Anon? Does he have someone else he can talk to about this that isn't so closely involved?
Sorry you're having such a craptastic time of it right now. The only suggestion I have is that the situation between your BF and his STBX is HIS BUSINESS. You can offer support etc - but you have to take care of yourself first. Stop worrying about making life more stressful for the BF and start worrying about your stress, your boundaries and what you will and will not tolerate in your life. If you can't handle the drama, ask that he doesn't relate it to you. Let him know it is a trigger for you. There is nothing you can do about his STBX and really, you don't need to know. Please make taking care of you a priority, as hard as that seems. Is he in Al Anon? Does he have someone else he can talk to about this that isn't so closely involved?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
One of the hard parts about recovery is I learn more about my own behaviors and what to do about them. Our Step 10 is one that can be worked out of order - continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Making amends for something we did or said means doesn't mean we grovel, and it doesn't negate our feelings of frustration, anger, worry, etc. It means we don't have to carry around shame or guilt. It took me awhile to learn that I could apologize for the WAY I said something without saying I was sorry for WHAT I said. The harder part was to not slide into justifying why I did what I did -just a simple "you know, I am sorry for the way I spoke to you yesterday. I yelled at you and called you some names. I'm not proud of my behavior and I wanted to apologize." PERIOD. I can honestly say I used that statement a bunch of times in my early recovery.
I don't know your specific situation, but I know that I felt better about myself and my interactions when I could do that.
Hugs
Cats
Making amends for something we did or said means doesn't mean we grovel, and it doesn't negate our feelings of frustration, anger, worry, etc. It means we don't have to carry around shame or guilt. It took me awhile to learn that I could apologize for the WAY I said something without saying I was sorry for WHAT I said. The harder part was to not slide into justifying why I did what I did -just a simple "you know, I am sorry for the way I spoke to you yesterday. I yelled at you and called you some names. I'm not proud of my behavior and I wanted to apologize." PERIOD. I can honestly say I used that statement a bunch of times in my early recovery.
I don't know your specific situation, but I know that I felt better about myself and my interactions when I could do that.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 132
L2L--i have the same problem. I get sooo frustrated and I want to be heard!
I told someone in a another post of something i have been trying for the last few weeks and it seems to help me. Take 10 minutes before reacting. Whether its a conversation with him, text, phone call, email, wait 10 minutes to respond-if you are going to respond. I did that on sat when my a**hole texted me "u ok". I wanted to reply instantly F U. But i waited 10 minutes and it passed. And I probably saved myself some heartache with that because it would have led to a fight and more hurtful things would have been said and I would be back at square 1 again.
Just a suggestion....I have done the same thing you did. Said things that I regret the next day. Give yourself a few minutes before responding-maybe it will help.
I told someone in a another post of something i have been trying for the last few weeks and it seems to help me. Take 10 minutes before reacting. Whether its a conversation with him, text, phone call, email, wait 10 minutes to respond-if you are going to respond. I did that on sat when my a**hole texted me "u ok". I wanted to reply instantly F U. But i waited 10 minutes and it passed. And I probably saved myself some heartache with that because it would have led to a fight and more hurtful things would have been said and I would be back at square 1 again.
Just a suggestion....I have done the same thing you did. Said things that I regret the next day. Give yourself a few minutes before responding-maybe it will help.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Is he in Al Anon? Does he have someone else he can talk to about this that isn't so closely involved?
But honestly, he has to work so many hours every day with his new job (which was difficult enough for him to find especially after being out of work 6 or so months last year) that he hardly has time to eat dinner, have a half hour for himself to decompress, and get any sleep. And when he does get to sleep, he can't stay asleep. He's always stressed out with the issues of the divorce, is trying to stay on top of all his responsibilities, and he misses his kids and picks them up one weekday a week and every other weekend.
Add to that the horrible fact that every time he picks them up they are TOXIC from being around the sick thinking and talking of the alcoholic. I have witnessed it myself and I feel badly for him, but I do not know what to tell him to help. The kids act just like the alcoholic; they throw HER blame and accusations at him about the issues between the adults, the kids are put in the middle of it. She fills their heads with blame about things they don't need to hear.
Their accusations as soon as they get into the car put him immediately on the defensive, and he doesn't have enough recovery under his belt from his own alcoholism to NOT throw the blame and accusations back. I have witnessed this happening and it is sickening. Yes, I have told him HE is the adult and not to discuss these issues with the kids but honestly, these kids KNOW TOO MUCH and the way I see it is SHE is arguing with HIM, using the kids as her mouth. Makes me want to throw up just relating this to you.
I know how it feels because one of the kids did it to ME this past weekend and I addressed it as best I could with the boy, but I doubt very seriously it is going to have any effect on the situation. I tried to teach him a few things my mom taught me growing up with my alcoholic dad, and I know it is hard for the little boy because I am sure he does not want to be in the middle of it, but this is what their custodial parent chooses to do and I can't change that.
I remind him I can't handle these problems that are his to address. And yes, I feel bad for him, and I feel sorry for him, and I KNOW he is not trying to dump them on me, he is just trying to discuss these things like a normal person but I cannot discuss these things with him like a normal person. I just get so ANGRY and frustrated at the $hit these people do, and watching and interacting with these children is troublesome.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Sounds like it gets pretty awful sometimes, Learn.
I think it would be very easy to jump off the passenger seat and right onto the driver's seat. Like that would work. But I just feel this pull in your post to do so. I don't think I'm interpreting what you're saying, but just that I would have that tendency.
If you could go back and have a re-do, would you have waited before entering a relationship with someone not yet quite done with his marriage? I know these things unfold as we are living; we don't actively seek out something that is going to cause problems down the road. But, if the answer is "yes", could you just pull WAY back on things?
Your unwillingness to have anything to do with an active addict makes perfect sense to me. They simply trigger you, as they would most or all of us.
As for what happened inside you, that came out of your mouth, I think that means something. You are frustrated and upset that she's throwing up on him, his children, and you by extension. So what do we do when someone does this to us? We remove ourselves from the sitch. How can you remove yourself, to the best of your ability? I think lessening the interactions with the children and him when she's right there (figuratively, not literally) is the ticket.
And if there's any way he could fit in a little alanon, that might be the right priority. His sobriety is too important.
I think it would be very easy to jump off the passenger seat and right onto the driver's seat. Like that would work. But I just feel this pull in your post to do so. I don't think I'm interpreting what you're saying, but just that I would have that tendency.
If you could go back and have a re-do, would you have waited before entering a relationship with someone not yet quite done with his marriage? I know these things unfold as we are living; we don't actively seek out something that is going to cause problems down the road. But, if the answer is "yes", could you just pull WAY back on things?
Your unwillingness to have anything to do with an active addict makes perfect sense to me. They simply trigger you, as they would most or all of us.
As for what happened inside you, that came out of your mouth, I think that means something. You are frustrated and upset that she's throwing up on him, his children, and you by extension. So what do we do when someone does this to us? We remove ourselves from the sitch. How can you remove yourself, to the best of your ability? I think lessening the interactions with the children and him when she's right there (figuratively, not literally) is the ticket.
And if there's any way he could fit in a little alanon, that might be the right priority. His sobriety is too important.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you CatsPajamas, for such wisdom. It is helpful that you pointed out not to make excuses for my bad behavior, because that is certainly reverting back to old ways. I think what I am struggling with is the guilt that it is OBVIOUS he is truly trying to do right by his children, stay clean and sober, work, build a future for himself, etc while here I am yelling at him and acting like a crazy woman on drugs when I feel like I should be better able to advise him. I mean, I am able to stay calm, cool and collected when someone on SR asks the same types of questions he asks me. I don't get angry at anyone on HERE for not knowing what to do. I don't yell and scream and rant and rave at anyone else. Why on earth should I get so angry? I feel like a horrible person or something for not being able to control my anger with someone who is JUST SO SWEET to me ALL of the time!!! He truly is a sweet, kind, caring and good person and here I am acting like an idiot YET AGAIN. Trust me, this is not the FIRST time I have foamed at the mouth with anger. It's like it is an automatic reaction whenever I am confronted with the issues that alcoholics and addicts create in my life and the lives of the people I love.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thanks Coffee. I need to step back and think on these things a bit. You are right. There must be a happy medium here somewhere. Honestly, the peace and serenity I had WITHOUT him in my life was great, but a bit boring and secluded. I WANT to find a way to include him in my life and still maintain my peace and serenity. I CANNOT control what the mother does, I cannot control what any of them do, but what I CAN do is control ME. I just have to look more closely at this, I think, and keep looking for MY needs in all this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
oh, and....
of course you don't rant at someone on s/r. you are not emotionally involved with us; you are not nearly as invested in your relationships here.
there is healthy shame, and unhealthy shame.
own what you have done [wrong].
then, forgive yourself.
of course you don't rant at someone on s/r. you are not emotionally involved with us; you are not nearly as invested in your relationships here.
there is healthy shame, and unhealthy shame.
own what you have done [wrong].
then, forgive yourself.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you Spin, you are right, I DID want to be heard. What exactly I wanted him to hear, I'm not sure though, because I was all OVER the place. When I get angry, I get OUT OF CONTROL. It's just like my drinking; I'm a binger. Once I start I can't stop and it just escalates. The ONLY way I know how to calm myself down is to smoke cigarettes. Otherwise, I just stay in it and can't sleep, can't eat, can't function, even when my mouth has stopped moving. It is truly bad.
I have to find a way to prevent it from happening in the first place. It is NOT his fault I am this way and I need to learn how to prevent it.
I have to find a way to prevent it from happening in the first place. It is NOT his fault I am this way and I need to learn how to prevent it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. It is a situation full of triggers and issues.
I can say that I go into orbit when I am invested in something. I get the most out of control when I feel like I *need* to make a difference but don't know what to do. I begin to own the outcome, not the process. That is a recipe for anger and frustration - misplaced. I get crazy mad at myself for not being able to figure it out, start in with all kinds of self defeating and berating thoughts, and then I yell at them. Them in my case is my kids
I try to think through how to handle a known situation ahead of time. If I feel like I know what I am doing I am less likely to get so side tracked. Personally, I must focus on and own my process, not their outcome, because their real outcomes are not instant.
That is a little different then being triggered so I'm not sure if that was helpful.
Wishing you only the best. You've been such a support to me on SR.
I can say that I go into orbit when I am invested in something. I get the most out of control when I feel like I *need* to make a difference but don't know what to do. I begin to own the outcome, not the process. That is a recipe for anger and frustration - misplaced. I get crazy mad at myself for not being able to figure it out, start in with all kinds of self defeating and berating thoughts, and then I yell at them. Them in my case is my kids
I try to think through how to handle a known situation ahead of time. If I feel like I know what I am doing I am less likely to get so side tracked. Personally, I must focus on and own my process, not their outcome, because their real outcomes are not instant.
That is a little different then being triggered so I'm not sure if that was helpful.
Wishing you only the best. You've been such a support to me on SR.
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