end of my rope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: TN
Posts: 1
end of my rope
i'm a musician in a group of 6. one of my bandmates is a multi-substance abuser-- mostly alcohol (and weed, caffiene, nicotine, food, sex, etc) simply because he doesn't have the money for more expensive drugs. that may change soon. good news for the band (success) but bad news for his future health.
my problem in a nutshell, is that he's constantly throwing me under the bus with my bandmates. he has an attitude like he has to "teach" me how to behave, and he takes every opportunity to ingratiate himself to the other members by reporting on something i've done... naturally cast in the most negative light possible.
he does this with everyone, but mostly me. in my opinion he's doing it to distract attention from who he's become through daily binge drinking... if i'm the band's biggest problem, he won't be scrutinized.
the band's leader, who i'll refer to as "K" is a (more) functional alcoholic and 15 year friend of this bandmate who i'll refer to as "F"
"K" is not inclined to see my side of things. i drink socially, but left to my own devices, will rarely drink or do any drugs. so i'm not seen as "one of them."
"K's" girlfriend of many years is the singer, "S." she follows what "K" tells her. she comes from a highly dysfunctional home, so normal behavior is not something she's grown up around.
"K's" little brother is in the band as well, "T."
and finally, "X" is a huge drinker himself. "F" often pays for his drinks so he'll have company.
confused yet?
i understand i can't change the behavior of a substance abuser, but i'm sick of the abuse and lack of support, the backstabbing, the condescending attitude. it's a very lonely feeling, knowing that no one in the band really sees the problem for what it is. alcoholism is something that's joked about, not seen for the menace that it is.
honestly, i just want to know how to direct "F's" attention elsewhere. his problem will be dealt with on his own terms and timetable, but meantime, i don't want to be the punching bag.
i've looked at the Al-Anon questionnaire. the first 10 questions are no. i'm not interested in stopping or controlling the drinking, because i know the faster he hits bottom, the sooner he can begin to recover.
i definitely feel feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time, because of this.
i definitely feel there is no one who understands my problem.
i do think the abuse would end if he stopped drinking and drugging.
i really don't know where to start. i don't see how me approaching this with a 12 step plan could be the answer. i'm not even sure this is the place i need to be to find one.
my problem in a nutshell, is that he's constantly throwing me under the bus with my bandmates. he has an attitude like he has to "teach" me how to behave, and he takes every opportunity to ingratiate himself to the other members by reporting on something i've done... naturally cast in the most negative light possible.
he does this with everyone, but mostly me. in my opinion he's doing it to distract attention from who he's become through daily binge drinking... if i'm the band's biggest problem, he won't be scrutinized.
the band's leader, who i'll refer to as "K" is a (more) functional alcoholic and 15 year friend of this bandmate who i'll refer to as "F"
"K" is not inclined to see my side of things. i drink socially, but left to my own devices, will rarely drink or do any drugs. so i'm not seen as "one of them."
"K's" girlfriend of many years is the singer, "S." she follows what "K" tells her. she comes from a highly dysfunctional home, so normal behavior is not something she's grown up around.
"K's" little brother is in the band as well, "T."
and finally, "X" is a huge drinker himself. "F" often pays for his drinks so he'll have company.
confused yet?
i understand i can't change the behavior of a substance abuser, but i'm sick of the abuse and lack of support, the backstabbing, the condescending attitude. it's a very lonely feeling, knowing that no one in the band really sees the problem for what it is. alcoholism is something that's joked about, not seen for the menace that it is.
honestly, i just want to know how to direct "F's" attention elsewhere. his problem will be dealt with on his own terms and timetable, but meantime, i don't want to be the punching bag.
i've looked at the Al-Anon questionnaire. the first 10 questions are no. i'm not interested in stopping or controlling the drinking, because i know the faster he hits bottom, the sooner he can begin to recover.
i definitely feel feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time, because of this.
i definitely feel there is no one who understands my problem.
i do think the abuse would end if he stopped drinking and drugging.
i really don't know where to start. i don't see how me approaching this with a 12 step plan could be the answer. i'm not even sure this is the place i need to be to find one.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR Punchingbag.
Your situation may differ from many of us, but as I read through your post I can't help but feel the "if only's".
Sad thing is, we cannot control anyone else, whether they drink or not, and thinking we can is an illusion. "If only they could see how destructive this is..." "If only they knew how I felt..."
What we can do, and what our program helps us do is to set boundaries for what we are willing and not willing to allow in our lives, and follow through with how we will deal with that which is not acceptable for us. Boundaries are not rules for anyone else, they are guidelines for our own well being.
It is not "If you do this, I will do that"
It is more "His drinking jeopardizes my well being and the future of this band, so if I cannot accept it, I will find another band that works better for me."
See the difference? We can control what we allow in our lives, we can control our own choices to stay or leave any relationship. We just can't make anyone else change to meet our standards.
That said, some good open respectful conversation about this may be helpful to all concerned. The hard part is keeping it respectful when denial and anger take over.
Stick around, I think you'll like it here.
Hugs
Your situation may differ from many of us, but as I read through your post I can't help but feel the "if only's".
Sad thing is, we cannot control anyone else, whether they drink or not, and thinking we can is an illusion. "If only they could see how destructive this is..." "If only they knew how I felt..."
What we can do, and what our program helps us do is to set boundaries for what we are willing and not willing to allow in our lives, and follow through with how we will deal with that which is not acceptable for us. Boundaries are not rules for anyone else, they are guidelines for our own well being.
It is not "If you do this, I will do that"
It is more "His drinking jeopardizes my well being and the future of this band, so if I cannot accept it, I will find another band that works better for me."
See the difference? We can control what we allow in our lives, we can control our own choices to stay or leave any relationship. We just can't make anyone else change to meet our standards.
That said, some good open respectful conversation about this may be helpful to all concerned. The hard part is keeping it respectful when denial and anger take over.
Stick around, I think you'll like it here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Yep, it'll get really tiring, trying to dog paddle up Niagara Falls. That's about what it is, to hang with substance addicts who do not wish to change.
You can choose to invest your energy dog paddling, or find some river to whitewater raft down, going WITH the current. The choice is yours.
If you get my drift. It is as simple as that.
CLMI
You can choose to invest your energy dog paddling, or find some river to whitewater raft down, going WITH the current. The choice is yours.
If you get my drift. It is as simple as that.
CLMI
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