Struggling today

Old 06-14-2010, 05:19 PM
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Struggling today

I can't stop feeling guilty because I ended the relationship. I was all that she had left...the only thing she said that made her feel good besides alcohol, food and shopping. I became so distant...I was so dishonest...I didn't cheat, but I did reach out to others. I felt so isolated. I was embarrassed because of the situation I was in. It's been a week since the last contact. Everyone who knows me, disagrees with all of the horrible things she's saying about me. So, why does it not matter what they believe? The only thing that really matters is what she thinks, feels, and says. I could fix this just like I fixed it last time and the time before and the time before that. I could tell her that I love her and I miss her; that I made a mistake and please forgive me. And in a way I would feel better, but only because she would feel better, because really that's all that matters. What sense is it for both of us to be miserable right now?

Intellectually, I know it's all crazy talk. I've read the books on codependency. I went to alanon three times, but then she found out and ridiculed me so badly and accused me of being secretive that I never went back. I do have a counselor that I see weekly.

I'm just sad. I know it'll get easier with time.

KIR
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Old 06-14-2010, 05:23 PM
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Hi KIR,

So sorry you're feeling bad--I can read the pain in your post. It will get easier with time...just keep moving forward, one step at a time. And keep posting. Sending you good thoughts.
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Old 06-14-2010, 05:24 PM
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Climbing hills, flying down...
 
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p.s. What about going back to al-anon now?

p.p.s it's great you're working with a counselor. Put you first.
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Old 06-14-2010, 05:35 PM
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I'm sorry that you are going through this time. I know your pain well. It is so hard. Yes, I agree, with others, try alanon again. My husband didn't want me going the first time I went either because I didn't tell him about my going. It is for you to heal.
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Old 06-14-2010, 05:45 PM
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That's the core issue, you never really did fix anything for her, you could not and cannot.

You just are not that powerful.

If you were to call her tonight and beg for her to come back, you will be even more miserable, and she will not get sober because you want her to. You do not hold the key to her soberity, she does, she must want it more than anything or anyone, that includes you.

I know you are hurting, forgive yourself and her, move forward one day at a time, left, right, left, right.
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Old 06-14-2010, 05:51 PM
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We have all felt the guilt. Its so hard to turn around and walk away. But, you get to a point where you have to realize that nothing you say or do is going to change this person. In order to be happy, you have to change your situation-that is all you have the power to do.

Maybe you leaving will be the swift kick in the ass she needs to get clean! In the meantime, work on you. Keep posting/venting, reading, get to some Alanon classes. It really does help.

As hard as it is, I have learned from the wonderful people on this site that no contact is the best way to go. It was very hard at first. But as each day goes by, it gets easier.

You deserve happiness...reach for it!
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Old 06-14-2010, 06:05 PM
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What I learned in Al Anon.

I am in a lifeboat with my addict in the middle of the ocean. I can see the shore way off in the distance. My addict jumps out and insists on swimming. I see they are getting tired, and not really swimming in, but swimming in place. I throw them the life jacket, and a rope. They put it on briefly. Then they take it off, and insist on swimming again. Each time it is wearing me down to keep throwing the rope. They are slowly starting to drown.

I have 2 choices....keep up the insanity by throwing the rope over and over, until I won't have the energy to paddle ashore....or...stop...and paddle ashore.

It is hard to see, when you are right in the middle of it all, yet I promise you it does get better. Everyday is better. Everyday is a day towards getting yourself better.

Do you want to stay in the same rut, cycle, chaos you have lived? Or do you want to move forward?

Yes, you both may be miserable at the moment, but in time, you won't be, and it is quite possible she still will be.

Sometimes NC, and ending it all, may just be the wake up call.

Things I learned during my divorce from my first husband, that I didn't see at the time....
1. You can absolutely love someone from a distance.
2. Tough love sometimes is the best thing.
3. Knowing my EX and I were no longer compatible was devastating, and I was so hurt by the fact he had a girlfriend. Fast forward 3 years later, and when they broke up, I was the shoulder he cried on, and I encouraged him to work it out, and they did.
4. His happiness with her, makes me extremely happy these days.

It will get better.
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:11 PM
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I want to go back to alanon, but I'm scared.
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:22 PM
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Why?
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Old 06-14-2010, 10:19 PM
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KIR,

I too feel your pain. This is hard stuff. Here on Sober Recovery we support each other, and understand.

If my xabf take a syringe of heroin and shoots it in his arm, he's gonna feel some pretty great relief. There's gonna be a time when there is no pain in the world, and everything is right. But, then it ends. Reality comes back, and the problems with it. Even worse, consequences of taking that hit come too.

This is how I feel about taking the "hit" of reconnecting with the toxic person in your life that when you were sane you knew wasn't really good for you. Yeah, you can call her. You can feel the incredible relief for awhile. But, you know it won't last. And then, when you come down from the high, things are worse.

Hang tough, you can do it.
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