Scared...want it to stick this time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Scared...want it to stick this time
I have been trying to get and stay sober since early 2008. I have strung together 30, 60, 90 days at a time. I went to inpatient treatment in September 2008. The past few months I have gotten really into recovery and sobriety, then fall off the wagon. I feel like I can't handle life, and I feel hopeless. I think why bother?
Today I am fighting off panic attacks. I can't go to work. I actually hate my job. I am afraid to admit this to anyone (husband, parents, boss) because I have such trouble finding a job (I am a lawyer who is not sure she wants to be a lawyer and whose current job rakes in far less money per month than a job at Walmart would). I am on the verge of bankruptcy, on the verge of going absolutely crazy. I don't know what to do. I know I need to stay sober if I am going to get to the "other side" but I just can't fathom that there is another side worth getting to. I get so anxious and frustrated and feel alone that I binge, drinking most of a 750ml bottle of vodka in a day. Then I'll realize what I have done to my body and get sober for a few days. This past month and a half I have had weekly binges that are 2 days each. I am scared because I don't want to be drunk but I can't stand the way I feel sober, either.
What have other people here done? I could use some advice.
Rebecca
Today I am fighting off panic attacks. I can't go to work. I actually hate my job. I am afraid to admit this to anyone (husband, parents, boss) because I have such trouble finding a job (I am a lawyer who is not sure she wants to be a lawyer and whose current job rakes in far less money per month than a job at Walmart would). I am on the verge of bankruptcy, on the verge of going absolutely crazy. I don't know what to do. I know I need to stay sober if I am going to get to the "other side" but I just can't fathom that there is another side worth getting to. I get so anxious and frustrated and feel alone that I binge, drinking most of a 750ml bottle of vodka in a day. Then I'll realize what I have done to my body and get sober for a few days. This past month and a half I have had weekly binges that are 2 days each. I am scared because I don't want to be drunk but I can't stand the way I feel sober, either.
What have other people here done? I could use some advice.
Rebecca
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by lilac0721 
What have other people here done?
All I learned was that the 3rd options didn't exist for me. It was down to keep going on like I was going, continually struggling and failing, or accept spiritual help. I called a guy in AA who carried a Big Book and spoke of a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps. He spoke of the problem being removed if I was willing to take certain actions. I did what he did and I recovered.
So, if what you have done in the past has failed, you might want to try something new.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Hey Lilac,
Welcome to SR - people here will understand you.
Your drinking sounds much like mine - I tried EVERYTHING to stay sober on my own terms but nothing worked. I even had some long periods of abstinence but as I didn't tackle the underlying issues of why I drank, or take any real steps to stay sober, I always fell off the wagon eventually. I knew I was an alcoholic, but just didn't seem to care enough to do much about it except stopping (every week or so!) and hoping for the best. Everything about my life was tainted by my drinking - relationships, career, health - but I still went out and drank, time and again.
Have you thought about some sort of program of treatment? SR is a fantastic resource, but you could try AA or some of the other routes discussed on this site. Personally I have come to believe that in order to STAY sober, I have to make some fundamental changes in my life: the way I think and act all need to be examined, and I have to tend to this daily. I also need the regular, ongoing support of other alcoholics.
Please keep posting and talking to people here - it is incredibly helpful to know you are among people who have 'been there' and will never judge you.
Good luck!
Welcome to SR - people here will understand you.
Your drinking sounds much like mine - I tried EVERYTHING to stay sober on my own terms but nothing worked. I even had some long periods of abstinence but as I didn't tackle the underlying issues of why I drank, or take any real steps to stay sober, I always fell off the wagon eventually. I knew I was an alcoholic, but just didn't seem to care enough to do much about it except stopping (every week or so!) and hoping for the best. Everything about my life was tainted by my drinking - relationships, career, health - but I still went out and drank, time and again.
Have you thought about some sort of program of treatment? SR is a fantastic resource, but you could try AA or some of the other routes discussed on this site. Personally I have come to believe that in order to STAY sober, I have to make some fundamental changes in my life: the way I think and act all need to be examined, and I have to tend to this daily. I also need the regular, ongoing support of other alcoholics.
Please keep posting and talking to people here - it is incredibly helpful to know you are among people who have 'been there' and will never judge you.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 66
I'm a creative professional. I hated my job so much for years and my drinking was just like yours.
I was completely trapped inside myself and couldn't see out. I blamed my job for my problems and it made sense at the time. Social anxiety spiraled out of control. I was becoming a recluse.
I finally became sober for 4 months. I quit my job and became self-employed. I got a puppy. I found social outlets and made about 6 new friends. These were changes in my life that seemed absolutely impossible while I was drinking, but sober they were pretty easy.
In my case I punished myself with alcohol because I didn't live up to how I felt I should live. It took a long time to realize I was fighting with myself, not with life. I found relief in changing how I lived it. Perhaps you can too.
I was completely trapped inside myself and couldn't see out. I blamed my job for my problems and it made sense at the time. Social anxiety spiraled out of control. I was becoming a recluse.
I finally became sober for 4 months. I quit my job and became self-employed. I got a puppy. I found social outlets and made about 6 new friends. These were changes in my life that seemed absolutely impossible while I was drinking, but sober they were pretty easy.
In my case I punished myself with alcohol because I didn't live up to how I felt I should live. It took a long time to realize I was fighting with myself, not with life. I found relief in changing how I lived it. Perhaps you can too.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Lilac,
I wonder what changes you made in your life in the 30, 60, 90 days you were sober, other than stopping drinking. As KingsCross said, I was angry with myself, very angry. I alternated between anger and depression for years. In early sobriety, I had to begin to accept myself as I was and make changes about what I was doing in my life. If you hate your job as a lawyer, then do something else. Find something to do for a job that you are passionate about, and believe that you deserve a good life.
I wonder what changes you made in your life in the 30, 60, 90 days you were sober, other than stopping drinking. As KingsCross said, I was angry with myself, very angry. I alternated between anger and depression for years. In early sobriety, I had to begin to accept myself as I was and make changes about what I was doing in my life. If you hate your job as a lawyer, then do something else. Find something to do for a job that you are passionate about, and believe that you deserve a good life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 39
I made a huge change - went from working as an Office Manager to becoming a Teaching Assistant. I halved my salary and struggled financially but it was the best thing I ever did. My old job was toxic to me because I didn't want to be doing it - and it made me drink more and more xx
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Hi Lilac, just want to welcome you here, I hope you will be able to find some peace. When you stay sober for those periods, what is your trigger to make u drink again? Maybe if you could get into an AA group and try work through your emotuons and how to deal with them, you might be more successful next time. We are all here for you. Keep posting. ((HUGS))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 237
I know I need to stay sober if I am going to get to the "other side"
I also have anxiety issues... but only when I am drinking. The anxiety and panic seems to dissapate after about 5 days or so of not drinking.
Pamper yourself right now, allow yourself your favorite foods, non-alcoholic drinks and get lots of rest... watch some feel good movies and take it easy.
When you feel ready maybe it will be time to work on some life changing strategies... changing job etc.
But the key is to not take it on all at once... first its all about taking care of you - then you can take care of the rest.
Keep posting.. we'll help you thought
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Scared...want it to stick this time...
Hi Lilac,
My story is much the same as those above mentioned. I wanted to be sober more than anything else in my life. I had Clinical Depression too & was working in a dead end low-income job.
I had been sober several times once with AA & three times on my own....none worked. I had done ten years of working with the Elderly in a nursing home & with others in their own homes doing chore service. I liked working with the Elderly but I felt guilty about how my life was going compared to all of these folks that worked hard all their lives & still going & doing as much as their mind or body would let them.
I finally got so sick & tired of being sick so went to Mental Health to make an appointment & was on my way down a road with a lot of unknowns. I really thought I was crazy putting my life in danger & also my youngest daughter's life.
What helped me see the whole picture was "that morning I was writing out the weekly report on my daughter's newly diagnosed Juvenile Diabetes that we took to her doctor's appointment every Thursday" when I came to what she had for supper the night before & I couldn't remember & had to look in the garbage....that was my Bottom.
This was 21 years ago. My daughter is doing good...is married & has one son going into second grade. I have been sober 21 years & have been getting help for my depression the same amount of time. It can be done but the only way it worked for me was to do it for myself not someone else. My insanity is gone; I left the slippery people, places, & things behind me & moved forward.
I went back to college to finish my BA Degree in Psychology & got a dream job still working with the Elderly...with more training & on the job training for the first two years of being hired, I was promoted to a Geriatric Mental Health Counselor/Casemanager. I was 50 years old, sober, & starting a new career & still attended AA Meetings. They saved my life along with all the work I did with myself & the tools I had gathered through the years.
It all is up to you & you will know when you need to make the commitment or there could be certain negative consequences. It was scary for me too but when I learned how to work the Serenity Prayer to the best of my ability, It was always a part of me & still is to this day.
My story is much the same as those above mentioned. I wanted to be sober more than anything else in my life. I had Clinical Depression too & was working in a dead end low-income job.
I had been sober several times once with AA & three times on my own....none worked. I had done ten years of working with the Elderly in a nursing home & with others in their own homes doing chore service. I liked working with the Elderly but I felt guilty about how my life was going compared to all of these folks that worked hard all their lives & still going & doing as much as their mind or body would let them.
I finally got so sick & tired of being sick so went to Mental Health to make an appointment & was on my way down a road with a lot of unknowns. I really thought I was crazy putting my life in danger & also my youngest daughter's life.
What helped me see the whole picture was "that morning I was writing out the weekly report on my daughter's newly diagnosed Juvenile Diabetes that we took to her doctor's appointment every Thursday" when I came to what she had for supper the night before & I couldn't remember & had to look in the garbage....that was my Bottom.
This was 21 years ago. My daughter is doing good...is married & has one son going into second grade. I have been sober 21 years & have been getting help for my depression the same amount of time. It can be done but the only way it worked for me was to do it for myself not someone else. My insanity is gone; I left the slippery people, places, & things behind me & moved forward.
I went back to college to finish my BA Degree in Psychology & got a dream job still working with the Elderly...with more training & on the job training for the first two years of being hired, I was promoted to a Geriatric Mental Health Counselor/Casemanager. I was 50 years old, sober, & starting a new career & still attended AA Meetings. They saved my life along with all the work I did with myself & the tools I had gathered through the years.
It all is up to you & you will know when you need to make the commitment or there could be certain negative consequences. It was scary for me too but when I learned how to work the Serenity Prayer to the best of my ability, It was always a part of me & still is to this day.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Welcome to SR! 
I too wondered how I'd face life without alcohol to numb me. Now I'm sober six months and life is better for me. Still have problems, just deal with them better and I'm not making them worse by drinking. I hope we can be as much help to you as this site has been to me in getting and staying sober.
I too wondered how I'd face life without alcohol to numb me. Now I'm sober six months and life is better for me. Still have problems, just deal with them better and I'm not making them worse by drinking. I hope we can be as much help to you as this site has been to me in getting and staying sober.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi lilac and welcome! I know it's scary thinking about everything you're facing right now. I'm in a corner myself with job/finances and don't know how things are going to work out. I've spent the past week in a very anxious state. The thing is, it's really better for me to feel the anxiety and start making attempts to help my situation, than drinking and letting things continue the way they were.
Alcohol increases the anxiety and depression, as others have pointed out, so there's really no way it can even help our mental or emotion state. Life is hard, but we have a much better chance of facing it if we're sober.
Keep reading and posting - this is a great place to come for support.
Alcohol increases the anxiety and depression, as others have pointed out, so there's really no way it can even help our mental or emotion state. Life is hard, but we have a much better chance of facing it if we're sober.
Keep reading and posting - this is a great place to come for support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Thank you, everyone, for your encouraging and very helpful posts. I am so glad that I am not alone. In theory, I know this (from lots of AA meetings in the past 2 years), but I still forget that there are others whose situation really is like mine (bad job, bad finances, anxiety and depression).
My anxiety is certainly made worse by drinking. Although it is usually the tightness in my chest and the spinning in my head of an oncoming panic attack that makes me drink. I went to see my therapist yesterday. She suggested I go back to rehab (I went in the fall of 2008). It seems like it might be a lifesaving idea, but paying for it (and paying the bills) seem impossible. I don't know what to do. Right now I am really tired. I drank again yesterday afternoon. I am afraid to go back to AA meetings and get ANOTHER 24 hours chip. I know I need to. I have to take the steps.
I feel like the only way my husband or parents or employer will listen to me say I need a change is if my life is in a complete shambles and I am on the verge of death or a complete nervous breakdown. Maybe now I'll get their attention.
I'll keep posting, but I think right now I am going to go back to sleep. I am so tired.
My anxiety is certainly made worse by drinking. Although it is usually the tightness in my chest and the spinning in my head of an oncoming panic attack that makes me drink. I went to see my therapist yesterday. She suggested I go back to rehab (I went in the fall of 2008). It seems like it might be a lifesaving idea, but paying for it (and paying the bills) seem impossible. I don't know what to do. Right now I am really tired. I drank again yesterday afternoon. I am afraid to go back to AA meetings and get ANOTHER 24 hours chip. I know I need to. I have to take the steps.
I feel like the only way my husband or parents or employer will listen to me say I need a change is if my life is in a complete shambles and I am on the verge of death or a complete nervous breakdown. Maybe now I'll get their attention.
I'll keep posting, but I think right now I am going to go back to sleep. I am so tired.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm sorry to hear you're suffering, lilac. I would think that your sobriety has to come first (even if it means treatment again) before the other issues in your life right now. I know that's easy for me to say, but without staying sober, you can't address the panic attacks and job issues.
Obviously, you have good training and smarts, so your future can still be bright. It's not going to work itself out overnight, but if you're feeling this distraught and can't stay sober, you may have to swallow your pride and tell people what you're going through. I went to treatment twice, too. You're not alone. Sending prayers...............
Obviously, you have good training and smarts, so your future can still be bright. It's not going to work itself out overnight, but if you're feeling this distraught and can't stay sober, you may have to swallow your pride and tell people what you're going through. I went to treatment twice, too. You're not alone. Sending prayers...............
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by lilac0721
I am afraid to go back to AA meetings and get ANOTHER 24 hours chip. I know I need to. I have to take the steps.
Only you know if you are ready and willing:-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Hi, everyone. I just wanted to update you since I first posted this cry for help:
Today is day 5. My head feels clear and my body is able to withdstand very long hilly walks and good workouts. Hooray!
I am not going back to my job. I am putting sobriety first. I finally realize that in the past couple of years, I have never been convinced that I WANTED to be sober. Initially, it was because a doctor said my brain would function better and so I did it to pass the bar exam. Then it was because I felt better. Then it was...well, I don't know. I have always had difficulty identifying what I want; generally, I go along with what other people think I "should" want. Today, I WANT sobriety. I WANT the serenity and contentment in the face of difficulties that people here and in AA seem to have.
Some people say that their continuous relapses were about not having the spiritual part. I have regular spiritual practices and feel close to God when I open my heart (and don't drink or use drugs). For me, the missing piece is that I haven't been able to affirmatively state that I WANT TO BE SOBER and I WANT the serenity that I see people in recover have.
Happy Saturday, all! I am looking forward to checking out a meeting I've never been to at 5:30 today, as well as a hike or a good weight workout.
Today is day 5. My head feels clear and my body is able to withdstand very long hilly walks and good workouts. Hooray!
I am not going back to my job. I am putting sobriety first. I finally realize that in the past couple of years, I have never been convinced that I WANTED to be sober. Initially, it was because a doctor said my brain would function better and so I did it to pass the bar exam. Then it was because I felt better. Then it was...well, I don't know. I have always had difficulty identifying what I want; generally, I go along with what other people think I "should" want. Today, I WANT sobriety. I WANT the serenity and contentment in the face of difficulties that people here and in AA seem to have.
Some people say that their continuous relapses were about not having the spiritual part. I have regular spiritual practices and feel close to God when I open my heart (and don't drink or use drugs). For me, the missing piece is that I haven't been able to affirmatively state that I WANT TO BE SOBER and I WANT the serenity that I see people in recover have.
Happy Saturday, all! I am looking forward to checking out a meeting I've never been to at 5:30 today, as well as a hike or a good weight workout.
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