New and feeling alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
New and feeling alone
I am new to this forum and am dating a man I dated 15 years ago when we were both in our early 20s. He had found me online and we reconnected and have been dating since October 2009.
I discovered through our many talks that he had a drinking problem but he made it sound like he had gone to AA and didn't drink anymore. As time went on I realized he did still drink and mostly in private. I had found vodka bottles hidden in my house and his and can now tell when he has been drinking even on the phone. Weekends are bad because he usually finds some excuse to run out and when he returns he quickly seems drunk. He told me during one of our talks a while ago that he would gulp it down very quickly.
This weekend really upset me and I finally left his house when normally I would hang around and wait for him to sober up. My dog who I had for 2 years (he was almost 5 years old, but I rescued him) became suddenly ill, was bleeding internally and had a tumor and ended up having to be put to sleep on Friday. I have been a wreck and asked that he stay sober and spend time with me...even though he said he would and wants me to be happy, he still drank. So much of the weekend I was alone crying while he was passed out. Today he found a way to drink again and passed out early in the afternoon. I couldn't take it. I had just lost one of my dogs and needed him. I packed up all my things since I was staying at his house for the weekend as well as my other dog and drove home. I haven't heard from him and it is after midnight.
My question is: does the alcohol have so much control over him that even though he promised not to drink he had to drink anyways? And was I right to leave? I feel like maybe he is mad but why should I hang around and wait for him to sober up?
I am not wanting to end this relationship but am seeking help for both of us.
Thanks.
I discovered through our many talks that he had a drinking problem but he made it sound like he had gone to AA and didn't drink anymore. As time went on I realized he did still drink and mostly in private. I had found vodka bottles hidden in my house and his and can now tell when he has been drinking even on the phone. Weekends are bad because he usually finds some excuse to run out and when he returns he quickly seems drunk. He told me during one of our talks a while ago that he would gulp it down very quickly.
This weekend really upset me and I finally left his house when normally I would hang around and wait for him to sober up. My dog who I had for 2 years (he was almost 5 years old, but I rescued him) became suddenly ill, was bleeding internally and had a tumor and ended up having to be put to sleep on Friday. I have been a wreck and asked that he stay sober and spend time with me...even though he said he would and wants me to be happy, he still drank. So much of the weekend I was alone crying while he was passed out. Today he found a way to drink again and passed out early in the afternoon. I couldn't take it. I had just lost one of my dogs and needed him. I packed up all my things since I was staying at his house for the weekend as well as my other dog and drove home. I haven't heard from him and it is after midnight.
My question is: does the alcohol have so much control over him that even though he promised not to drink he had to drink anyways? And was I right to leave? I feel like maybe he is mad but why should I hang around and wait for him to sober up?
I am not wanting to end this relationship but am seeking help for both of us.
Thanks.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Welcome! Glad you are here. First I want to say that I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your pet. I know that losing the furry ones you love is never easy. I just recently lost a pet of my own so I do understand. You asked about alcohol and broken promises. The answer is that if he still has a drinking problem and perhaps may be alcoholic and still is actively drinking--then yes, alcohol will come first before anything else in his life. You do have a choice whether to go or stay. One thing is certain--you cannot change him. If he is to change, he must want to change for himself. Alanon can be a place where if you do choose to stay involved with him--they can help you--be a support network for you. Just know you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--his alcoholism. You mentioned he had been to AA. Is he currently going to meetings or trying to seek any help? Another thought--what positive things has being in this relationship brought you...and is staying together worth it? You have to ask yourself this. In the meantime, keep posting. You are not alone. This is a great place for support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
Hey Star,
I am sorry you are having to go through this, fact of the matter is just about everyone in this part of SR has gone through it too.
The answer to your questions would be yes, yes, and no you should not.
I am relatively new to this but I will give you my take on it. The addiction of alcohol is his addiction, and we did not cause it, we cannot control it, and we can't cure it, that being you or me, or any other loved one. It is his decision.
I know that it is hard, because you love him so much, but that is where the addiction starts to infringe on our lives, because the first thing we do is personalize it to ourselves. Human nature says to help, but in actuality we are powerless over it. There is no way, the only way to do something about it, is to save yourself from becoming wrapped up in the addiction itself.
There are a lot of good resources in the sticky section. I read those first. There are also plenty of instances in the posts here that you will relate too.
One of the best is to check into some Al Anon information, it is for those of us who are being affected by the disease, because of someone in our lives.
It is your choice as well, as to what you will do, but remember you have intuition has brought you here.
Welcome to SR
I am sorry you are having to go through this, fact of the matter is just about everyone in this part of SR has gone through it too.
The answer to your questions would be yes, yes, and no you should not.
I am relatively new to this but I will give you my take on it. The addiction of alcohol is his addiction, and we did not cause it, we cannot control it, and we can't cure it, that being you or me, or any other loved one. It is his decision.
I know that it is hard, because you love him so much, but that is where the addiction starts to infringe on our lives, because the first thing we do is personalize it to ourselves. Human nature says to help, but in actuality we are powerless over it. There is no way, the only way to do something about it, is to save yourself from becoming wrapped up in the addiction itself.
There are a lot of good resources in the sticky section. I read those first. There are also plenty of instances in the posts here that you will relate too.
One of the best is to check into some Al Anon information, it is for those of us who are being affected by the disease, because of someone in our lives.
It is your choice as well, as to what you will do, but remember you have intuition has brought you here.
Welcome to SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
He has (supposedly) gone to a few meetings since we have been together but not many. He would say he is going to go but then when I asked later if he went, he would say no. It is hard because the realization of all this came after I had fallen in love with him and do love so many other things about him. He is kind, talented, creative and really fun...when he is sober.
I am reluctant about Al-Anon meetings because I am a teacher and afraid I will see someone I know. Probably not the right reason but that's why. I was reading in this forum for a while and finally had the courage to post. It is hard to hear what you know is true.
I am reluctant about Al-Anon meetings because I am a teacher and afraid I will see someone I know. Probably not the right reason but that's why. I was reading in this forum for a while and finally had the courage to post. It is hard to hear what you know is true.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Hi and welcome to SR Star, so sorry to hear about your beloved dog, i hope you feeling a bit better now. I am sad to hear about your boyfriend, I know how hard A is. Unfortunately, if they drink, that is all they can think about. They make all kinds of excuses to drink. But you are here now, I really hope you can find love, comfort and encouragement here. At the end of the day, you have to be happy, please take care of you. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
hey star,
My XAGF is absolutely everything I would want in a partner. I have known her for so long and we always kept in touch over the years. She has three of the most beautiful children I know. They are just like her when she is sober.
We are kindred spirits and use to talk about it often.
When she is drinking, I barely recognize her.
This is the problem, the problem that I can't fix.
Just like AA, Al Anon is completely anonymous, it has to be or it wouldn't work.
My XAGF is absolutely everything I would want in a partner. I have known her for so long and we always kept in touch over the years. She has three of the most beautiful children I know. They are just like her when she is sober.
We are kindred spirits and use to talk about it often.
When she is drinking, I barely recognize her.
This is the problem, the problem that I can't fix.
Just like AA, Al Anon is completely anonymous, it has to be or it wouldn't work.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You can't depend on an alcoholic for any kind of emotional support, it's just not there. Many drink to drowned their feelings.
Alcohol comes first, have no expectations of him, as you will be disappointed.
Whether you stay with him or not is a personal choice. I would consider meetings for you, they are held all over, try going to the next town.
So sorry that you lost your little friend, I know it hurts.
Nice to meet you, keep posting!
Alcohol comes first, have no expectations of him, as you will be disappointed.
Whether you stay with him or not is a personal choice. I would consider meetings for you, they are held all over, try going to the next town.
So sorry that you lost your little friend, I know it hurts.
Nice to meet you, keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Everyone's posts have been helpful and unfortunately I guess all too true. I was hoping maybe he would call and see how I am today or why I left his house yesterday but so far no phone call. Sometimes he has a way of making me feel like I did something wrong. I think it's because he often doesn't remember the things he does or says when he drinks.
It's a sad day for me. My third day without my dog and feeling like my bf doesn't care.
Hoping I will get the courage to go to a meeting sometime soon.
It's a sad day for me. My third day without my dog and feeling like my bf doesn't care.
Hoping I will get the courage to go to a meeting sometime soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Starlynn and WELCOME to SR.
In case you haven't read them already, let me post the 3 C's of addiction for you:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
Nothing you say or do can change the addict or make him/her stop drinking. No amount of asking nicely, begging, pleading, yelling, manipulating, reasoning, threatening will do a thing. You aren't that powerful. The only thing you have power over is yourself.
I'm so sorry you had to live through the loss of a dear furry friend alone. Perhaps the experience gave you new insight on the future you can expect with your boyfriend.
Do you love him completely and totally, as he is today, drunk and sober? Because that's the only person he's willing to be. If you don't, then ask yourself what you're willing to live with.
Keep posting and reading. SR is a great place to be.
In case you haven't read them already, let me post the 3 C's of addiction for you:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
Nothing you say or do can change the addict or make him/her stop drinking. No amount of asking nicely, begging, pleading, yelling, manipulating, reasoning, threatening will do a thing. You aren't that powerful. The only thing you have power over is yourself.
I'm so sorry you had to live through the loss of a dear furry friend alone. Perhaps the experience gave you new insight on the future you can expect with your boyfriend.
Do you love him completely and totally, as he is today, drunk and sober? Because that's the only person he's willing to be. If you don't, then ask yourself what you're willing to live with.
Keep posting and reading. SR is a great place to be.
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Hi Star,
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. First off, I am SO sorry for the loss of your beloved pet. There are no words to express the bond that we develop with our four-legged friends, and losing them is difficult. Please take time to take care of yourself and grieve your loss.
As for your A....well, unfortunately, he is doing exactly what is expected of an active alcoholic. In my experience with my alcoholic sister, when she is actively drinking, that is ALL she is focused on and cares about; she cannot and does not focus on anyone or anything else. It is difficult for the non-drinker, because we begin to ask ourselves "why doesn't he/she care? If he/she really cared about me, he/she could stop for one day, he/she could see that I am hurting..." etc. etc. etc. And we have to learn that this is simply not true--no matter what we think, hope, or beg from the alcoholic, changes will not happen until HE/ SHE is ready to change.
Reading the stickies at the top of this forum have helped me a lot. Keep posting here...we all understand how you feel.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. First off, I am SO sorry for the loss of your beloved pet. There are no words to express the bond that we develop with our four-legged friends, and losing them is difficult. Please take time to take care of yourself and grieve your loss.
As for your A....well, unfortunately, he is doing exactly what is expected of an active alcoholic. In my experience with my alcoholic sister, when she is actively drinking, that is ALL she is focused on and cares about; she cannot and does not focus on anyone or anything else. It is difficult for the non-drinker, because we begin to ask ourselves "why doesn't he/she care? If he/she really cared about me, he/she could stop for one day, he/she could see that I am hurting..." etc. etc. etc. And we have to learn that this is simply not true--no matter what we think, hope, or beg from the alcoholic, changes will not happen until HE/ SHE is ready to change.
Reading the stickies at the top of this forum have helped me a lot. Keep posting here...we all understand how you feel.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Star,
Welcome, you are not alone and you've made the first steps to help sort out all the emotions you are experiencing. Also, I'm sorry to hear about your pet, that is an emotional time for anyone who has had pets that we've lost.
Your BF sounds a lot like my AS before she really admitted she had a problem and did do something about getting help. She used to "go" to AA meetings, used to "go" to work, always proclaiming she didn't drink. After several near death experinces, several lost jobs, and countless hidden bottles of vodka, she did hit her rock bottom and got help.
Sometimes it takes an alcoholic a few rock bottoms to finally get help. He must have hit one at one time to go to AA at one point, the question you may want to ask is when is he going to hit his next rock bottom when he is ready for help? There is no timetable on this freaking disease, everyone is different, but you need to focus on the 3 C's and learn how to take of yourself first.
Welcome, you are not alone and you've made the first steps to help sort out all the emotions you are experiencing. Also, I'm sorry to hear about your pet, that is an emotional time for anyone who has had pets that we've lost.
Your BF sounds a lot like my AS before she really admitted she had a problem and did do something about getting help. She used to "go" to AA meetings, used to "go" to work, always proclaiming she didn't drink. After several near death experinces, several lost jobs, and countless hidden bottles of vodka, she did hit her rock bottom and got help.
Sometimes it takes an alcoholic a few rock bottoms to finally get help. He must have hit one at one time to go to AA at one point, the question you may want to ask is when is he going to hit his next rock bottom when he is ready for help? There is no timetable on this freaking disease, everyone is different, but you need to focus on the 3 C's and learn how to take of yourself first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by dreamstones 
Star,
Sometimes it takes an alcoholic a few rock bottoms to finally get help. He must have hit one at one time to go to AA at one point, the question you may want to ask is when is he going to hit his next rock bottom when he is ready for help?
Sometimes it takes an alcoholic a few rock bottoms to finally get help. He must have hit one at one time to go to AA at one point, the question you may want to ask is when is he going to hit his next rock bottom when he is ready for help?
I am not sure what it will take for him to get help again but I hope he realizes it soon. When I commended him for quitting smoking and asked about the drinking he simply replied, "one vice at a time."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Starlynn I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. I lost my cat due to internal bleeding from a tumor so your post hits home with me in more than one way.
Regarding the man you are dating...most of us here could have written your story. Mine sobered up long enough for me to be fooled into believing it would last and I married him. PLEASE DON'T BE FOOLED INTO DOING THIS. My husband fell out of a boat and nearly drowned. That wasn't his bottom. He went to rehab twice. He would come home from AA drunk (if he even went). I finally realized that if my life was going to change for the better than I was going to have to get out of the relationship. I loved him and still do. Our divorce was final earlier this year. He still drinks. I am much happier just taking care of myslef and my critters and not worrying about what he's going to do next. You can't change him but you can take care of you. I started going to Alanon meetings about a year ago. I live in a small town so I had the same fears that you do but it turned out to be the best thing I could have done. You may see someone you know (I did) and if you do they are there for the same reason as you. I suggest that you take a leap of faith and try a meeting.
Regarding the man you are dating...most of us here could have written your story. Mine sobered up long enough for me to be fooled into believing it would last and I married him. PLEASE DON'T BE FOOLED INTO DOING THIS. My husband fell out of a boat and nearly drowned. That wasn't his bottom. He went to rehab twice. He would come home from AA drunk (if he even went). I finally realized that if my life was going to change for the better than I was going to have to get out of the relationship. I loved him and still do. Our divorce was final earlier this year. He still drinks. I am much happier just taking care of myslef and my critters and not worrying about what he's going to do next. You can't change him but you can take care of you. I started going to Alanon meetings about a year ago. I live in a small town so I had the same fears that you do but it turned out to be the best thing I could have done. You may see someone you know (I did) and if you do they are there for the same reason as you. I suggest that you take a leap of faith and try a meeting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
I know this probably doesn't mean he has finally seen the light, but I went to my boyfriend's last night and he didn't drink. I tried to ask him about it and if he thought about it and he simple said "more than you know" and then didn't want to discuss it anymore. We had a nice evening and it was pleasant to lie next to him and hear normal breathing and snoring instead of the awful sounds he makes when he has been drinking.
Does it mean he won't drink tonight? Probably not, but I can only hope.
He also said he was "there for me" all weekend. I pointed out that being drunk and passed out is not being there for someone...ugh.
Does it mean he won't drink tonight? Probably not, but I can only hope.
He also said he was "there for me" all weekend. I pointed out that being drunk and passed out is not being there for someone...ugh.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by Starlynn
It is interesting to me that you mention hitting rock bottom. He recently quit smoking because he had a scare with a lump in his throat that he thought might be cancer. It turned out to be fine but he said that is what made him decide to quit. I asked him the other day when we were talking about this if that is what he needs to get him to stop drinking and he said yes. Unfortunately, I feel like his health is being affected by it. He has a lot of stomach problems and complains often that he doesn't feel well.
My Xabf's brother told me that I don't want to see an alcoholic die. My Xabf would have BIG bruises on his arms and legs and I'd ask him how he got them. He'd say he bumped into something at work, or he didn't know. His brother would say he'd fallen. When my Xabf binged in my apartment, I saw him bump into things, and almost fall several times. It was shocking to see how easily he slammed into the counter, or the wall, or a door, and just keep walking.
To take on the responsibility of a person who refuses to care for himself is not fair. Trust me. I was willing to work 24/7 if I could get the right help or therapist for my X. It turned out, my X needed the right attitude. He tricked me into thinking the change would come from something I could do. So, I kept trying to guess what that would be.
Learn from the people here. They are knowledgeable, honest, caring, compassionate and wonderful. They've helped me get beyond the pain of my break up. You are new to the relationship. You can still leave. Your heart is speaking based on zero knowledge of the weird world of the alcoholic. My heart sang about my X, and when I finally allowed myself to see the truth, it sunk. But, it spung back after time, and the man I thought I'd marry (we hung around in college, it wasn't dating as we called it, and 18 years later, he's all mine. It was the happiest time in my life - to have him, the love of my life, finally.) turned out to be someone that wasn't compatible with me at all. Yuk. I finally am able to say, Yuk.
So, make sure you stay true to yourself, and you do what's in your best interest. I applaud you for walking out on him.
It hurts when they don't call, but it's a plot - they starve you of affection, then the first crumb they throw at you - you run for it because you're craving anything from him. Read books. Send me a private message if you want the title of a few books that helped me accept the painful truth about the alcoholic.
Good luck!!
Ready.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by Starlynn
He also said he was "there for me" all weekend. I pointed out that being drunk and passed out is not being there for someone...ugh.
The Things They Say.
(That's one of them. My ex once told me that he'd already apologized for me cleaning up his throw up and get over it. It was his urine when he let it go as he walked around my bathroom without realizing it. ) Good for you for knowing he was full of it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You had not heard from him for one night and the next you were back in bed with him. You are much more forgiving than I am.
When you needed his comfort and support he was not there for you, and a day later all is forgiven.
To me, this does not compute. Your message to him is "Do whatever you want, don't consider my heartaches, and I will forever fold up in your arms".
If he does not work a program to find and keep recovery, it will be very difficult to achieve his/your goal. Some do the white knuckel method and are successful, most are not.
So, what are you doing for you? Any meetings in the horizon?
I am not trying to be hurtful,I just don't get it.
When you needed his comfort and support he was not there for you, and a day later all is forgiven.
To me, this does not compute. Your message to him is "Do whatever you want, don't consider my heartaches, and I will forever fold up in your arms".
If he does not work a program to find and keep recovery, it will be very difficult to achieve his/your goal. Some do the white knuckel method and are successful, most are not.
So, what are you doing for you? Any meetings in the horizon?
I am not trying to be hurtful,I just don't get it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by dollydo
You had not heard from him for one night and the next you were back in bed with him. You are much more forgiving than I am.
When you needed his comfort and support he was not there for you, and a day later all is forgiven.
To me, this does not compute. Your message to him is "Do whatever you want, don't consider my heartaches, and I will forever fold up in your arms".
I am not trying to be hurtful,I just don't get it.
When you needed his comfort and support he was not there for you, and a day later all is forgiven.
To me, this does not compute. Your message to him is "Do whatever you want, don't consider my heartaches, and I will forever fold up in your arms".
I am not trying to be hurtful,I just don't get it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Starlynn
I am new to this forum and am dating a man I dated 15 years ago when we were both in our early 20s. He had found me online and we reconnected and have been dating since October 2009.
I discovered through our many talks that he had a drinking problem
I am not wanting to end this relationship but am seeking help for both of us.
Thanks.
I discovered through our many talks that he had a drinking problem
I am not wanting to end this relationship but am seeking help for both of us.
Thanks.
The fact that this guy you're dating just happened to "find" you online AND that you had a previous relationship 15 years earlier...sent up a huge red flag to me.
He already knew your buttons... and when he stumbled across you online... well I believe he threw a lot of bs on the wall to see what would stick. Mind you he capitalized on your past relationship with him. He knew what you liked and didn't like... recounted memories of the "good ol days".... I'm sure the list is endless.
He probably touched base with you to test the waters... afterall most Alcoholics need enablers... he told you what you wanted to hear... relationship wise... and then an "oh by the way... I drink". You might have heard something completely different than what he was saying.
Like I said I hope I'm wrong... for me I had a "good friend" that I knew for 18 years... I had a crush on him like nobody's business... and whaddya know... when I moved back into town.... he "found" me... needless to say I was terribly flattered. He and I had sorta dated but never had a "real" relationship and I was on cloud nine. Fast forward 1 year... He was nothing like I imagined... he was nothing like the person that I thought I knew... he was not a nice person... he told me stories how his dad had committed suicide and that the bulldozer his dad had left him... was up on the auction block and it was the only thing he had left to connect him with his deceased father.... yep... I went to an auction and bought a bulldozer!!!
Come to find out... the bulldozer was not given to him by his deceased father.... his ex-girlfriend had bought it for him... he lost it in a real estate deal. So the end of our relationship consisted of me booting him to the curb and him telling me... "I'll mow the grass for you". I told him... the kid down the street will do it for $10 and he won't be a slimeball in the process.
I grieved over the loss of a friend... a friend that never existed... I found out that most everything he had told me was a big fat lie. I felt icky for a long time after that... I finally got over the shock that I was suckered in an 18 year friendship... the people, places and things were all a big lie.
My point... you gotta be careful when they "find" you... we can't be so sure that it's destiny.... sometimes it's doo doo knocking and it really stinks.
Hope it's different for you.
Take care.
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