katie53

as man;y of you may remember ad is again in jail since April. Her 15 yr. old has always stood up for mom (more so between the age of 12-14) in the last year she has expressed more of an indifference. She wrote momm and told her that she hoped she would get well, but she did not want to get her hopes up again only to be shot down. Also, that momm,s letters were all the same every time she was in jail, but a different story when she got released. GD was concerned about mailing it, but I told her there was nothong wrong in expressing her feelings, in fact I was proud of her for finally doing so. Well, last nite she told me she doesn't even want to see mom or talk to her. I asked her why and she just said "I don't know". I do not allow phone calls only letters from ad and gd will always share them with me. I have not read anything that would have caused this change. i do know that gd is going through some tough teen times due to shyness and I believe she's underneath blaming mom for her personality?? I tried taking her to counseling a few times but she doesn't feel she gets anything out of it so I try my best to keep communication open for her. i guess I just don't undrstand what caused the change in feelings regarding her mom. Is this post making sense??

Taking5

It makes perfect sense. The GD is getting older and no longer buys the BS. Mom will have to earn her respect back from your GD, that respect is not a birthright.

katie53

that makes perfect sense! people used to tell me"it will get easier when she get older" There were some hard times as gd at times seemed to resent me and living here with grandpa and I. She made sure to tell me that she wanted Mom and didn't want to be here. It hurt deeply but I never showed it and I would just say "I understand". This year she gave me a beautiful home made card for Mother's Day! I don't want her to resent her mom or carry anger around for baggage, even if mom doesn't get it together. i found a teen al-anon book do you feel it would be a good idea to give it to her and let her read it, if she chooses to?

Impurrfect

((Katie)) - my niece is almost 17, her "dad" has been in jail/prison most of her life. When she was younger, she adored him, but no longer. We never told her anything bad about him, back then, she figured it out on her own. Now, facing a long prison term, he wants a relationship? She wants nothing to do with him.

I know you don't WANT her to resent or feel anger toward her mom, but that's really not your call. We also tried counseling with my niece (my stepmom has guardianship..niece's mom, my stepsister, died when Brit was only 1 in a car wreck). It didn't work because she didn't want to open up.

I think you can offer her the ala-teen info, but I wouldn't push it. I've just tried to support Brit, she knows I'M an RA and doesn't understand why HE can't "get it" but at least I can tell her how addiction isn't personal...it just makes you do really stupid stuff and she saw it, first hand, with me.

I look at it this way...her "dad" and your daughter made the relationship with their children the way it is. We can't fix that. The kids have a right to feel angry, IMO. They were let down by someone who is supposed to be there for them. Yes, they have other people who love them, dearly, but it's still not their PARENT. Being a teenager is hard enough, but it sounds like she's doing pretty darned good to me. She's blessed to have you in her life!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

litehorse

You are so wise to give your niece options for the way she will work through her feelings - the work is hers but having the option of tools to do the work makes it easier to accomplish the task -

keepinon

I think supporting wherver gd is right now is good, letting her know that its ok to be wherever she is in her recovery. I also would offer the alateen literture and then leave it alone. sounds like she knows she can come to you..she's lucky