spinwc

Last night, after watching a movie, I fell asleep. About 1230, my phone goes off (text message) and it was him. "U ok?"

Wow. Really? I mean you told me just Tuesday that you were not in love with me and that I needed to go live my life. And now you want to know if i am ok?
Why the hell would he even care if i am ok first of all. And second, why, on a saturday night at 1230 is the person "you are not in love with" and "just dont feel it for you" even on your frickin mind?

I have been hurt over this...and for what ever reason, this text has straight up pissed me off. I did not reply to it, as much as i wanted to jsut say F U, i didnt.
Its games. i am sick of my life, feelings and heart being a frickin game to him.

I dont know what his intentions were with this text. Feels bad about what he said? Testing the waters? Thought maybe I was out on a date? Drunk off his ass? Who knows.

I guess I just needed to vent.......

Kittyboo

This brings me back to a year ago the night after my XA had told me he still had feelings for his ex, and that he didn't want a relationship with me..... I was so hurt and the next day I laid on the couch all day....

that night I got a text from him at around 1am that just said "How are you?" ...I didn't respond to it, so about 30 minutes later he called.
I answered, and we ended up speaking to each other like the previous conversation from the night before never happened. At the time, that was my denial


Way to stay strong!!!

sailorjohn

g

sailorjohn

I've come to believe that the only person whose intentions I should be trying to decipher is me.

Hammerhead

Evidently the music is still playing for him... he needs a dance partner.

You did the right thing.

His intentions?... to draw you back into the drama...the dance.

The last conversation I had with my ExAH... he threatened to sue me and he's the one that owes me money.... :rotfxko

So now he calls about every other day... doesn't bother to leave a message... evidently has nothing to say and even if he did... I don't want to hear it. I have removed myself from the front row of his life and am concentrating on me.

It sucks to realize that we mean nothing to them... but it's wonderful to realize that we NOW control what we let in and don't let in... and that is quite peaceful.

Take care.

lulu1974

Hammerhead...so well said. I needed to hear this today. Thank you..

spinwc

Here is what I just can not get. If you are done, be done. I keep hearing over and over from him "i dont know what I want" or "i am not ready for this". Ok. I hear you. I leave him alone. its not as if I am contacting him, stalking him, lurking at him from afar. I have walked away. Go on and drink, play around, what ever it is you are wanting to do.

I guess I just cant understand the thinking behind this. I would never, ever say the things he said to me and then, 4 days later, text "u ok". I just cant wrap my mind around that.

Learn2Live

Spin, of COURSE he called you and asked if you are OK after telling you such hurtful things. It is just typical. First, they say or do something to HURT you, to make you emotionally vulnerable. Then they go away for a little bit, to make you miss them and/or panic. Let you stew in your pain for a while. Then, they "check in" or put forth some small effort to make you think they care. They CREATE the "damsel in distress," and we just play the role. Until we STOP playing the role.

Of course doing this makes no sense, but it is the way I understand it from my experiences with alcoholics, addicts, and otherwise abusive people. So do yourself a favor and stop answering his texts and stop answering his calls. You will NEVER be having the same conversation as he.

spinwc

I cant help but think that maybe, as usual, its about him again.

He is feeling bad about saying what he said and needs to clear his own soul. That sounds like him.

But, I am talking about an alcoholic who i believe is also bipolar. so who knows what was behind it.

I have a feeling this isnt the last of him. But, what he doesnt realize is I am super pissed and bitter right now. I am not in this "i will do anything to make this work" mood i have always been in when this has happened before. I am over it.

Its amazing what one text and 4 days will do for you. Hope it stays!

dollydo

I guess one of the things I really hated about my ex was all the childish games. he always wanted to have a fall back position, if the current gig didn't work out, he wanted to shamooze me so I would take him back. He would use all the tricks in his bag, he never gave a thought to how all his cr*p was affecting me. It was all about him.

Four years later as my ex, he is still attempting to contact me. Nah,Nah, not going to happen, letters are tossed unread, my cell number has been changed , my land line is new and unlisted, and, all my family have changed their numbers.

Game, set, match...I win.

Dolly

Bolina

"u ok?"

*babelfish*

"are you ok with me? i.e. have pushed you over the edge or have I still got control of the dynamic?"

spinwc

Bolina...thanks for that comment. I needed that. Makes the fire in me just that much hotter!

His arrogance is unbelievable.

Bolina

Reaally, that is often all it is. Quite simple, really.

Narcissistic at heart. They hate to think that a person is spinning out of their control.

Hammerhead

:burns

spinwc

yeah, you are right. I suspect he thought i would spend today texting him, trying to make amends. WRONG!

Time to take control of this......kiddy gloves are off!

Jadmack25

Guess who was calling you? Ol' Quacker himself.

you have it sorted.....don't reply, totally ignore him....he does not exist for you.
In fact....

God bless

Paintbaby

"U ok? " means "I don't like my independence as much I thought I would. The other ladies aren't jumping to replace you, as I had hoped. Will you take care of me again? I need things to be easy for me again....at least until I decide I'm bored with you and your wounded spirit that I caused, and have another bout of selfishness and entitlement and go running off again, which you can bet the farm will happen, oh yes"

spinwc

Paintbaby...that is funny! And hopefully true!

My friend put it into perspective for me:

"if he really wants you and loves you, he will come to you and he will be a changed man. until then, dont shrink to fit".

Hammerhead

Yep... my exah changed all the time...

Here's a quote from "Just for Today"...

Of course that applies to my exah.... but for me I simply replace the words "addict" and replace it with "codie" and it usually hits me right between the eyes.

For example:
As a codie, the demands of our disease determined our personality. We could/would rescue whoever or whatever we needed in order to "feel loved/wanted/good-enough". We perceive love/loving as being able to adapt to every circumstance... no matter the consequence.

Hope this makes sense to you .... it's really helped me.

spinwc

So, lets say on the slim chance (I know, but to make my point) that he does "change". How do you know its real change and not another smoke screen?

I guess my issue is I dont trust now. I will compare everything to him. I will be expecting "hey i need space" or "i am not in love with you" from men from now on.

He once told me this: "my issue with you is that you dont need me. all the other women i have dated need me for something, pay rent, car payments, etc. you dont. this bothers me".

Does that mean he has some codie issues as well?

The A I grew up with is completely different than the A i dated. So its confusing to me. My father was violent, drank all day and night, could not work, completely not able to function.

The A I dated is opposite. Not violent in any way, very affectionate when drinking (more than when he was sober), only drinks at night, very successful at work (was salesman of the month 4 months in a row), maintains a clean house. He is a functional A. Its weird.

I guess part of me was waiting to see the A I grew up with to come out in order to officially accept that fact that A i was dating was in fact an A. Up until 3 weeks ago, I just simply thought he has a drinkiing problem thats getting out of control.

I hate constantly trying to figure this out. But I guess in order to heal and learn from my mistakes, I need to try to make sense of some of it.