newnormal4me

I feel like I'm just starting to "wake up" within this 5 year nightmare of mine. AH has been doing things in and near our home that quite frankly are a risk to our children, as well as me. This is the first time in these years that I am finally ready to let him go, even though I still love him deeply. I can't continue to put me and my children in harms way anymore.

AH refuses to leave our home. Altho over the past week and a half we have stayed in different places (not together), a more permanent set up needs to be arranged. I pay the majority of our bills, including the mortgage. He pays what he can, when he can, usually late (or near cut off). I strategically split things a few years ago because he has become so irresponsible with his funds (and of course I have the heavier load). So here I am, I can't let my mortgage go for many reasons, yet he refuses to leave, despite doing things that risk me and the kids. I am considering an ex parte. Yet I'm terrified to do such a thing. I know it may not go through, but I think I'm more terrified if it does. I know he will go off if I do this - it could get very ugly.

Part of me has wanted to turn him in at times, yet is that my place? I'd hate for him to go to jail, yet sometimes I feel that is the only place he could possibly "wake up". I can't believe this has not happened on its own truthfully.

Does anyone have thoughts either way on these things? I am so confused by my life right now. TIA

NoelleO

Wow that sounds like my situation with my AH. I was suck living with him and wanting to separate but he refused to leave. And I tried and tried to figure out a way to get him out of my living situation but it wasn't easy. That's probably why I stayed with him, after he became addicted, for as long as I did. I felt like it was impossible to get away.

My situation was easier though because we rented so I just ended my lease and took our daughter and moved in with my aunt. He had no options so he moved in with his parents.

Sometimes tough love is the right way to go. It is time for YOU to worry about YOU. It is important for YOU to worry about YOU. Jail could possibly help the both of you. Maybe he needs it.

Good luck. I understand your situation and it sucks!

Taking5

You could look into your legal avenues to make him leave,

In terms of turning him in, if he has never been arrested before, and he gets a DUI of alcohol or drugs and its a first offense, he is not likely to spend more than 1 night in jail unless he has a large enough qty of dope in his possession to get a felony charge.

What are you thinking will happen? What is his DOC? Does he deal drugs too?

Freedom1990

We really have to look at our motives before we do things.

I thought when my 32 year old AD served a lengthy sentence on felony drug charges, that would be her wake-up call. (she got caught leaving a meth lab with dozens of empty sudafed packages in her car, and cocaine on her)

It was not.

I thought when she overdosed in front of her own children, was rushed to a medical center unresponsive, and lost custody of her children, that was be her wake-up call.

It was not.

I am also a recovering addict/alcoholic myself. I hit my bottom at age 28.

The catalyst that finally sent me spiraling downwards and finally crying out to God for help was marrying an active addict/alcoholic.

That man is dead now, complications due to AIDS. He was 47 years old.

I will always be grateful for that brutal, violent marriage because that was what finally brought me to my knees.

He never 'got' recovery, but I did.

You don't know what your AH's bottom is.

The only thing you can control is your own recovery, and protecting those precious children.

If he's bringing drugs into the home, those children could be taken away by child protection services, even though you are not the one with the addiction.

Please check and see if an attorney will give you a brief consultation for free, and find out what your options are.

Keep posting here, find yourself some Alanon or Naranon meetings to help you start healing from the damage his addiction has done to your heart and soul.

Put you and those children first!

:ghug3

dollydo

If you haven't seen an attorney I would. There are many legal ways to send one packing.

Freedom is right, children first. You hold the key to their future in the palm of your hand, don't clench it tightly, use it to open a new door for them, one filled with peace and happiness. You have to know that they hear and see everything, children internalize, so, they may not have vocalized their fears/concerns to you but they know! Trust me, I've been there.

Why are you concerned if he goes to jail? If he does the crime he should do the time. It just may save him from going to prison in the future, he may wake up. If he doesn't, that is his problem, just as his addiction is his problem--to solve.

Just my thoughts,

newnormal4me

I think it would probably be smart to start with an attorney...I'll definitely try and get that started tomorrow. My kids are worth it! Thanks for reminding me to check my motives. I want him well, obviously, but that is out of my hands. I need to get myself well again...and protect my children, period. I am definitely starting to walk out of the smoke screen.

By the way, doc meth, not dealing YET!

It is so hard at the moment, he is so cold, so blaming towards me. I wonder if his soft heart will ever show again.

newnormal4me

Anvilhead...I have told AH those very things about this drug during times where he was sober from it and he agreed! This is so sick.

Things are spiraling out of control for me right now, I don't feel grounded at all, and my emotions are taking over. How the heck does one separate their emotions during times like this??? I'm a mess. Regardless...I'm doing my best to move forward and make some decisions right now. I guess that is progress?

I don't want to live like this anymore, but I having a hard time accepting the fact that AH doesn't seem to friggin care about anything worthy anymore. I know...I've got to pull myself up from the bootstraps right now but I feel so incapable. This flat out sucks!

Chino

If there's a fire spreading in your house, you probably wouldn't take the time to think about how you feel. You'd call 911 and grab your kids, get outside to safety.

angel, there's a fire in your house. Stay focused on safety, let the professionals put out the fire and salvage what you can.

tchappy

but I having a hard time accepting the fact that AH doesn't seem to friggin care about anything worthy anymore. I know...I've got to pull myself up from the bootstraps right now but I feel so incapable. This flat out sucks!

That is what Meth does to someone, it totally takes over their mind and their life. All they can think about is Meth..period. My exabf was and is still as far as I know a meth user. He has used meth for 20 yrs off and on and never could beat it, basically because he tries to do it on his own with no help. It is VERY addicting and will consume the user and the person in their lives LIFE. Don't let it consume you. You can't compete with Meth. I know, I tried!

The best thing you can do is take care of you and your children. Let go and let him find his own way with his addiction. He won't quit until he is truly ready. I know that is hard to do, I have been there, but it was the best thing I did for myself.

Take care and good luck

coffeedrinker

nothing to add; just want to support you, angel

newnormal4me

I appreciate the support from you all. I know you understand.

Chino, that is a very good analogy. I will keep that in mind when my emotions start stirring up!