Coming Out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Pennsylvania. It's like Transylvania without the good times.
Posts: 16
Coming Out
I'm posting this in both the 'Friends and Family' and 'ACoA' forum because I'm honestly not sure where it would be better to post it.
About 2 months ago I found out I have Avoidant Personality Disorder stemming from Fearful Avoidant Attachment Disorder. I don't see the difference between the two personally, they sound almost identical. Basically what it means is that as much as I want people in my life (as friends or lovers) I am so convinced that everyone will hurt, betray, lie, and use me, that I am incapable of letting anyone get close to me. And I will, in fact, verbally attack anyone who I think is getting too close.
My parents are addicts. They have stolen from me, manipulated me and attacked me so many times throughout my life that I honestly don't think I know what normal is. And at this point I'm too scared to find out. My parent's Jeckyl and Hyde acts are the things of legend and you never really know what you're going to get. They will tear you to peices and then a few hours later, when they sober up, swear up and down it never happened, or that they were justified.
I finally decided to post because I read a post about people being judgemental in this forum and I felt like this would be a good time to 'come out' so to speak. I felt like I needed to say to anyone who might be listening that if your child has the blessing of having at least one sane parent, protect them.
Because it's more than being judgemental or feeling superior. It's even more than just wanting to have your say. I almost never want to have my say. Speaking in any kind of public place is not something I'm comfortable with. But I think most people truly don't understand just how severe the damage can be. Having an addict for a parent or caregiver can do more than frustrate you. More than make you furious.
Sometimes it breaks you. I destroyes things in you that no-one can heal.
About 2 months ago I found out I have Avoidant Personality Disorder stemming from Fearful Avoidant Attachment Disorder. I don't see the difference between the two personally, they sound almost identical. Basically what it means is that as much as I want people in my life (as friends or lovers) I am so convinced that everyone will hurt, betray, lie, and use me, that I am incapable of letting anyone get close to me. And I will, in fact, verbally attack anyone who I think is getting too close.
My parents are addicts. They have stolen from me, manipulated me and attacked me so many times throughout my life that I honestly don't think I know what normal is. And at this point I'm too scared to find out. My parent's Jeckyl and Hyde acts are the things of legend and you never really know what you're going to get. They will tear you to peices and then a few hours later, when they sober up, swear up and down it never happened, or that they were justified.
I finally decided to post because I read a post about people being judgemental in this forum and I felt like this would be a good time to 'come out' so to speak. I felt like I needed to say to anyone who might be listening that if your child has the blessing of having at least one sane parent, protect them.
Because it's more than being judgemental or feeling superior. It's even more than just wanting to have your say. I almost never want to have my say. Speaking in any kind of public place is not something I'm comfortable with. But I think most people truly don't understand just how severe the damage can be. Having an addict for a parent or caregiver can do more than frustrate you. More than make you furious.
Sometimes it breaks you. I destroyes things in you that no-one can heal.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don't think this is a hopeless condition. Have you tried counseling? Have you tried ACOA meetings?
It sounds like a terrible situation, but there is help out there for you and others who have been through what you have.
It may take a lot of years to work through this, but I am sure that your quality of life will improve.
Hugs
It sounds like a terrible situation, but there is help out there for you and others who have been through what you have.
It may take a lot of years to work through this, but I am sure that your quality of life will improve.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
at my alanon mtgs lots of people talk about being fearfrll, untrusting, etc due to addiction in the home. i really beleive the 12 steps address these issues. do u attend alanon?helps me out alot
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Rainestorm, I took some time to think about how to respond to this:
I've lived this feeling, though neither of my parents are/were addicts. I have a very straight laced by-the-book mother who's horrible, selfish, logic defying actions sent me to the streets at the age of 16. I had less than 5 minutes to decide my fate and I left. The date was 3/20/80.
I lived in fear every day after that and was even too scared to ask for help from loving family members. My parents were in the middle of a divorce and I didn't know where to turn. I never considered asking the courts for help, either. I felt paralyzed and I went through many days in shock.
I went through all sorts of hell before my grandma and dad could find me, rescue me. They helped me become an emancipated adult. During all of that, I visited almost every level of hell and it's taken me years of therapy to overcome it. It also took my daughter's addiction.
I remember feeling broken and remember being very angry about it. The anger finally left me a few years ago, when I went back to therapy at the age of 43, learning how to deal with my daughter's addiction.
When I finally accepted being powerless over other people and their choices/actions, I began to find my personal power again. I wanted to be whole again and realized I was the only person who could do the work to make that happen. I couldn't change the past but I changed my response to it. In an instant I began healing and was no longer broken. The joy I felt was so immense that tears were streaming down my face and I literally went down on my knees.
It happened on 3/20/08. The very same day my world fell apart, 28 years later. I didn't realize it was the anniversary until the next day.
I pray you find your way there, too.
Originally Posted by Rianestorm 
Sometimes it breaks you. I destroyes things in you that no-one can heal.
I lived in fear every day after that and was even too scared to ask for help from loving family members. My parents were in the middle of a divorce and I didn't know where to turn. I never considered asking the courts for help, either. I felt paralyzed and I went through many days in shock.
I went through all sorts of hell before my grandma and dad could find me, rescue me. They helped me become an emancipated adult. During all of that, I visited almost every level of hell and it's taken me years of therapy to overcome it. It also took my daughter's addiction.
I remember feeling broken and remember being very angry about it. The anger finally left me a few years ago, when I went back to therapy at the age of 43, learning how to deal with my daughter's addiction.
When I finally accepted being powerless over other people and their choices/actions, I began to find my personal power again. I wanted to be whole again and realized I was the only person who could do the work to make that happen. I couldn't change the past but I changed my response to it. In an instant I began healing and was no longer broken. The joy I felt was so immense that tears were streaming down my face and I literally went down on my knees.
It happened on 3/20/08. The very same day my world fell apart, 28 years later. I didn't realize it was the anniversary until the next day.
I pray you find your way there, too.
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