I thought I was the exception...
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I thought I was the exception...
...to ever hearing from him again.
And he called last night.
Actually first his communication came through in the form of a not so very nice text. I had blocked him on FB as I had said before, and out of nowhere in the middle of the day I got
"I thought you would have grown up by now..."
My history has shown that I am very reactive. So, in trying to not be as reactive as I have been and end up saying cruel things I don't mean I sat with that for a short time. Of course, i'm sure most would say NC NC NC! But after all of this time, I chose to not maintain NC and I simply said
"I wish nothing bad for you. The last thing you said to me was never contact me again. I gave you what you requested, simple as that."
He changed his tone and then said "Yes, I know. We both said hateful things to each other and i'm very sorry that I did."
I had/have no desire to have a yelling match back and forth, I am beyond that point (thank you meditation)... and he asked if he could call me. I will not even lie and say that I was not curious as to what he could possibly say to me now, and after not being able to voice to him all that I wanted to voice months back, was this my opportunity? I ended up saying yes. He called a bit later....
It has been almost a year since we have actually spoken. He started out casual enough, and told me that he knows I would be pissed....but he joined the guard. Yes, at one time I would have...the idea of him going back to war was not something I ever wanted to think about. And I certainly dont' want him, or anyone to go to war now...but no, i'm not pissed. It is his life to live.
Finally I just said that it is impossible to have a casual conversation with him, out of nowhere, after all that has happened. If he wants to continue a conversation then we must discuss what happened...period.
This was not a phone call where he was telling me he wanted me back...nothing like that, he wasn't whispering sweet nothings, etc... When I told him how the entire situation made me feel, how he treated me...he agreed. He said he was a coward, he acknowledged that I had every right to be hurt at the time, and he wished that things were done differently...
Well, ok then.
As far as I know, he is still with his gf...he did not bring up their relationship, nor did I. And like I said, he wasn't calling to "get me back". I really don't know why he decided to want to talk now. I do know that it was nice to be able to actually voice the pain that I felt about it all to him after it was all said and done.
His voice was different to me. The same man who I fell in love with, but it wasn't as commanding to me. Commanding as in a voice of power.... if that makes sense, I don't know how else to describe it, but that sticks out in my mind.
We spoke for about 2 hours...towards the end he did bring up that he doesn't drink as much anymore, and he said he stopped drinking for a couple of months (Nice to believe, I don't think I do), he said he stopped smoking and he's been taking reallly good care of himself. He still drinks, but he said that it's not a focus. I just don't really know.
I can say I hope for him that it is true.
I told him I was happy for him that he is doing what he wants to do.
I would read here about how people would say "they always come back.." I can honestly say I never thought it applied to me. I never thought I would hear from him again.
I am happy with how I handled it. I am happy that I did not say hateful things, I feel I handled it with as much grace and dignity as I could have; I am happy that I am removed from it all, and I really do wish the best for him.
That's all. I suppose I just had to write out the experience I had. When you share so much with people (all of you) you want to share your thoughts and feelings just to share them. I don't know what each will take from this, but I hope that it's something positive.
And he called last night.
Actually first his communication came through in the form of a not so very nice text. I had blocked him on FB as I had said before, and out of nowhere in the middle of the day I got
"I thought you would have grown up by now..."
My history has shown that I am very reactive. So, in trying to not be as reactive as I have been and end up saying cruel things I don't mean I sat with that for a short time. Of course, i'm sure most would say NC NC NC! But after all of this time, I chose to not maintain NC and I simply said
"I wish nothing bad for you. The last thing you said to me was never contact me again. I gave you what you requested, simple as that."
He changed his tone and then said "Yes, I know. We both said hateful things to each other and i'm very sorry that I did."
I had/have no desire to have a yelling match back and forth, I am beyond that point (thank you meditation)... and he asked if he could call me. I will not even lie and say that I was not curious as to what he could possibly say to me now, and after not being able to voice to him all that I wanted to voice months back, was this my opportunity? I ended up saying yes. He called a bit later....
It has been almost a year since we have actually spoken. He started out casual enough, and told me that he knows I would be pissed....but he joined the guard. Yes, at one time I would have...the idea of him going back to war was not something I ever wanted to think about. And I certainly dont' want him, or anyone to go to war now...but no, i'm not pissed. It is his life to live.
Finally I just said that it is impossible to have a casual conversation with him, out of nowhere, after all that has happened. If he wants to continue a conversation then we must discuss what happened...period.
This was not a phone call where he was telling me he wanted me back...nothing like that, he wasn't whispering sweet nothings, etc... When I told him how the entire situation made me feel, how he treated me...he agreed. He said he was a coward, he acknowledged that I had every right to be hurt at the time, and he wished that things were done differently...
Well, ok then.
As far as I know, he is still with his gf...he did not bring up their relationship, nor did I. And like I said, he wasn't calling to "get me back". I really don't know why he decided to want to talk now. I do know that it was nice to be able to actually voice the pain that I felt about it all to him after it was all said and done.
His voice was different to me. The same man who I fell in love with, but it wasn't as commanding to me. Commanding as in a voice of power.... if that makes sense, I don't know how else to describe it, but that sticks out in my mind.
We spoke for about 2 hours...towards the end he did bring up that he doesn't drink as much anymore, and he said he stopped drinking for a couple of months (Nice to believe, I don't think I do), he said he stopped smoking and he's been taking reallly good care of himself. He still drinks, but he said that it's not a focus. I just don't really know.
I can say I hope for him that it is true.
I told him I was happy for him that he is doing what he wants to do.
I would read here about how people would say "they always come back.." I can honestly say I never thought it applied to me. I never thought I would hear from him again.
I am happy with how I handled it. I am happy that I did not say hateful things, I feel I handled it with as much grace and dignity as I could have; I am happy that I am removed from it all, and I really do wish the best for him.
That's all. I suppose I just had to write out the experience I had. When you share so much with people (all of you) you want to share your thoughts and feelings just to share them. I don't know what each will take from this, but I hope that it's something positive.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I'm glad you got a bit of closure. I would leave it at that, though. I went through the same thing with my XH, and slowly we became friends again, which led to more than friends, which led to more heartbreak. Although, I have to say, the eleventyeth time around doesn't hurt so much. 
It's more like, "Oh, of course!"
It's more like, "Oh, of course!"
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
I am glad u got closure. I must admit I hope I am the exception and never hear from him. Its just too much at times. Plus I know whatever my A says is all lies and at the very least embelished so what is the point. I just dont believe active A's without recovery tell the truth. I hope the weight of this is lifted off your shoulders. You so deserve to be happy and have a great life Kitty. I wish that for you as someone who has gone through this. Thinking of you.
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Oh sweet Lulu, thank you.
Being that it's been almost a year for me....the deep emotions that I was having months ago have now faded. That's the only reason I feel I was able to handle it the way I did....plus trying to incorporate some life experience into it.
I do agree with you. Though our conversation was certainly amicable, and I did indeed get some things lifted off of my shoulders...I have to wonder what has really changed. I have changed, but I don't know that he has.
He spoke to me he as he spoke before...wanting to do and be all of these things in his life. I do hope that he means them, but he would say the same things to me when we first started talking.
I also agree that A's without recovery tend to not tell the truth. He is not in recovery...and has not been for the past year, so yes, I certainly question much of what was said.
The simple fact that my pain was acknowledged did give me closure on that front.
It could very well be that this is manipulation on his side. But the fact about manipulation too is that it is only manipulation if I invite it in to my life. He can only have as much of me as I am choosing to give.....and I would like to think I learned my lesson. I have no desire, none whatsoever to revisit what the past year felt like. I grew from it...i'm going to keep on growing!
:ghug3
Being that it's been almost a year for me....the deep emotions that I was having months ago have now faded. That's the only reason I feel I was able to handle it the way I did....plus trying to incorporate some life experience into it.
I do agree with you. Though our conversation was certainly amicable, and I did indeed get some things lifted off of my shoulders...I have to wonder what has really changed. I have changed, but I don't know that he has.
He spoke to me he as he spoke before...wanting to do and be all of these things in his life. I do hope that he means them, but he would say the same things to me when we first started talking.
I also agree that A's without recovery tend to not tell the truth. He is not in recovery...and has not been for the past year, so yes, I certainly question much of what was said.
The simple fact that my pain was acknowledged did give me closure on that front.
It could very well be that this is manipulation on his side. But the fact about manipulation too is that it is only manipulation if I invite it in to my life. He can only have as much of me as I am choosing to give.....and I would like to think I learned my lesson. I have no desire, none whatsoever to revisit what the past year felt like. I grew from it...i'm going to keep on growing!
:ghug3
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Kittyboo 
Oh sweet Lulu, thank you.
Being that it's been almost a year for me....the deep emotions that I was having months ago have now faded. That's the only reason I feel I was able to handle it the way I did....plus trying to incorporate some life experience into it.
I do agree with you. Though our conversation was certainly amicable, and I did indeed get some things lifted off of my shoulders...I have to wonder what has really changed. I have changed, but I don't know that he has.
He spoke to me he as he spoke before...wanting to do and be all of these things in his life. I do hope that he means them, but he would say the same things to me when we first started talking.
I also agree that A's without recovery tend to not tell the truth. He is not in recovery...and has not been for the past year, so yes, I certainly question much of what was said.
The simple fact that my pain was acknowledged did give me closure on that front.
It could very well be that this is manipulation on his side. But the fact about manipulation too is that it is only manipulation if I invite it in to my life. He can only have as much of me as I am choosing to give.....and I would like to think I learned my lesson. I have no desire, none whatsoever to revisit what the past year felt like. I grew from it...i'm going to keep on growing!
:ghug3
Being that it's been almost a year for me....the deep emotions that I was having months ago have now faded. That's the only reason I feel I was able to handle it the way I did....plus trying to incorporate some life experience into it.
I do agree with you. Though our conversation was certainly amicable, and I did indeed get some things lifted off of my shoulders...I have to wonder what has really changed. I have changed, but I don't know that he has.
He spoke to me he as he spoke before...wanting to do and be all of these things in his life. I do hope that he means them, but he would say the same things to me when we first started talking.
I also agree that A's without recovery tend to not tell the truth. He is not in recovery...and has not been for the past year, so yes, I certainly question much of what was said.
The simple fact that my pain was acknowledged did give me closure on that front.
It could very well be that this is manipulation on his side. But the fact about manipulation too is that it is only manipulation if I invite it in to my life. He can only have as much of me as I am choosing to give.....and I would like to think I learned my lesson. I have no desire, none whatsoever to revisit what the past year felt like. I grew from it...i'm going to keep on growing!
:ghug3
Hugs
Lulu
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Lulu i am with you in the Exception List. In my case I requested not to be contacted and that is what I got. And you now what? I believe you and me are the luckiest ones.
Kitty thanks for sharing. You were graceful and the thing with them is that you no longer know what is true and what is not. It should be hard to be enlisted, but it is his life, his decisions.
I agree we deserve a good life after going through this and I also remember just a little bit of 2008 and that is enough not to want anything else to do with toxic people.
HUGS thanks for sharing, it makes a difference to know one is not alone.
Kitty thanks for sharing. You were graceful and the thing with them is that you no longer know what is true and what is not. It should be hard to be enlisted, but it is his life, his decisions.
I agree we deserve a good life after going through this and I also remember just a little bit of 2008 and that is enough not to want anything else to do with toxic people.
HUGS thanks for sharing, it makes a difference to know one is not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
TC- Yes, you are the lucky one's to not be contacted right now...maybe not ever.
I say that because had my XA been trying to constantly contact me, the healing would have taken a lot longer, and who knows, I may have been starting the healing process just now! Ugh...I hate to even imagine that!
But his no contact with me, forced me into the healing process. I went through all of the pain, crying on the couch, never wanting to get up...eyes so puffy and swollen from tears I thought they would never return to normal. I thought I would never return to normal.
But I was able to go through all of the stages. I was able to deal with my pain and it was awful!
Because I am on the other side of that now.....far away, removed and have many things in life to look forward to, was I able to handle this phone call.
When I wrote the post about blocking him, someone wrote to me that one day I would get to a point where I would wish him well and I would be ok.
I never didn't wish him well..... but they were right in the sense, I can wish him well AND I am ok, and to know that now makes all the difference to me.
There was a time when I certainly didn't feel this at peace about it. But I have dettached. There is no decision that he makes that has anything to do with me and visa versa....my life is on my path, his is on his. It was easy before when I would think that his decisions were about me....and I would react to that, I would be hurt, angry, and it would eat at me.
There is no reason for me to be angry any longer because my life, in this moment, is pretty damn good. That is what I know now.
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