Ever wonder how you let it get so bad

Old 06-12-2010, 08:01 AM
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Ever wonder how you let it get so bad

I'm trying to really work on myself (with the help of a counselor). And it has come to my attention that "normal" people wouldn't want to spend a week in my life. They would have left.

And it takes 2. As much as I want to blame stbxh, why did I stay after the first DUI? Afer the second? Rehab? Jail? .... The list goes on.

I think it is more than being codependent. Wouldn't jail be someone's bottom line. How on earth did my line get so blurried? Never would I have imagined I would have ever been okay with being married to someone who went to jail. I'm not gullible, but I believed the lies he was telling me. They sounded believable to me. But I also didn't want to see the reality.

Just throwing it out there as I muddle through this. Because I can't do this again with someone else.
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Old 06-12-2010, 10:31 AM
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Hi, Pear. Your question has been one on my mind quite a bit lately. I was - am - smart, considered myself pretty logical and 'together'. Yet I stayed through years of sheer hell that held only brief times of joy. Not logical at all. I got sucked into my AH's lies and believed many of them, even though doing so made me feel like I was going crazy....

I'm coming to the realization that I wanted a family and home (not just a building, but a feeling, a place of shelter) of my own so strongly and I thought I could make my relationship with AH fit that Hope/Dream if I just tried hard enough, if I just did this or that, that I was able to flat out deny or minimize all the crazy and hurtful s***.

In a recent session with my counselor, she called me on the fact that I haven't yet filed for divorce and said that it seems I'm still waiting for AH to be the type of man to give me that family. That sucks, because I think she may be right. But I know AH can't. I don't feel sheltered, secure, loved, respected or safe when I think of life with him. In fact I feel physically sick at the thought of even dating him, much less taking him back. I know it, but that crazy, insecure girl I became with his drinking still wants to hold on.

I'm seeing such a long road in front of me to show that girl I can still have that family and home with my son, that maybe some day in the future there will be some one we can share that feeling of respect, shelter and love with. But I can see the road now, maybe not the end of it, but maybe I can start walking. It's just one foot in front of the other for now.

I hope I get there. Sorry, this turned into my own ramble; I'm not sure if it offers any support for you, Pear, other than to let you know you're not alone with the question.
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Old 06-12-2010, 10:59 AM
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Yeah, I wondered that for about a year. fortunatly,
I also coupled that question with honesty and action--
Taking responsibility for myself,
creating boundaries that protect me and holding them,
focusing on myself rather than my AH and
making a life that I love

have all given me the ability to not only forgive myself, but also prevent it from happening again.

You can too.
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Old 06-12-2010, 03:05 PM
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For me, it was because the changes were so gradual that I didn't see what was happening. Each little thing in itself could be explained away as not that bad, then it became something I got used to, then it got a little bit worse etc etc. It was only when things came to a head and XAH's behaviour deteriorated rapidly that I realised 'this isn't right'! It is only fairly recently that I've identified XAH's behaviour as emotional abuse. I had become so habituated to him and his controlling that I couldn't see from an outside perspective until I was out of the situation. I was kept so off balance that I couldn't think straight.
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Old 06-12-2010, 03:32 PM
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Bookwyrm you're brilliant!
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Old 06-12-2010, 03:40 PM
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I agree for me it was subtle and then one day the whole big picture emerged. I became exhausted from all of it and sick all the time physically and mentally. Today I went to get a glass I needed and I had a flashback to a memory of him using it for his drink and I had to acknowledge how bad it got.

Then I got to give myself the greatest gift of all..I never have to talk to him again. I never need to discuss what he did. I dont need the closure because I was there and I have admitted he is a mentally sick person. I know if I talked to him all he would hear is "blah, blah,blah". For me I need nothing from him.

I made the decision as soon as I am medically cleared to resume normal activities I am having him served. I just had surgery so dont want to do too much at once. And I wont change my mind this time. I have to see him one last time..In court and I dont have to look at him. I can just keep my head high and look at the judge and I hope I never have to look him in his ugly, cruel face again. I literally want to run from him. I am done. I wish this peace for you.

I admit sometimes I get a bit freaked out about being alone but then I remind myself he is just a habit. That will pass. Besides being the A I got used to having someone around and that is just a simple habit to break. It helps me to rationalize and understand what I am feeling.

How did I get here? Life got in the way..i worked, I was newly married so I knew there was an adjustment period and he went from drinking to being a drunk pretty quickly. Then I had to realize he tried to blame everything on me for a while and I fell for it. I forgive myself for that. I guess after 3 years of marriage I got out quickly. No kids. Just a fresh new start. I have friends that love me and my HP has been really good to me recently. I am on a journey to get to know myself and face myself. I hope its a beautiful self discovery.

Hugs and peace to you...
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Old 06-12-2010, 03:44 PM
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Hmm...that is a good point. I was trying to work on this the other morning...figuring this out about me. Was it I didn't want to see reality because I didn't want to accept this was my marriage? Or was it something similar to what Bookwyrm wrote...where gradually things get worse?

I know for me, I had to write a list down of each event and the month right next to it. It helped to see it right there....every month or so something happened. My mind couldn't argue that away. You can't deny that.
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Old 06-12-2010, 03:48 PM
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For me, it was because I was so fueled by my desire for a "real relationship" that I forced myself into this one while ignoring every red flag there was.
I made the choice to move to be near him, I made the choice to wait for him, I made the choice to sacrifice every emotional and physical need I had until he was ready.
Turned out he was never going to be ready.

I saw him exactly as I wanted to see him, not who he really was. He only did to me what I allowed him to. I am certainly NOT saying that some of his choices weren't manipulative and self-centered, but I should have walked away long before I did.

There are many reasons in my life's history that helped to form who I am today, But for me in this particular relationship, that is how it got so bad.
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Old 06-12-2010, 05:49 PM
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theuncertainty - l love your quote!!

This is interesting. So many people say, "you're doing so great; you're so together!" Etc. Etc. And yet, here I am in this heartbreak.
I may be "together", but I pick partners that aren't. Maybe I want to be "better than"? Maybe I just feel comfortable - like they are similar to my parents? Who knows, but there is work to do on CATCHING myself next time (one day!).
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Old 06-12-2010, 06:27 PM
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yes, I'm at the same point right now, trying to evaluate myself. Wondering how my life got this way. I blame myself for a lot of things and wonder what it is I need to change.
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