praiseHim

I know that things would have to drastically change for me to go back (we are seperated), but I just want to vent my feelings here. I love him and miss him. He has hurt me so many times that I don't have words for the pain and hurt I feel sometimes. I miss holding him, being with him, talking to him, going places together, sharing life, just being around him and so on. I miss my life as a family and hate my life now. I know I don't have a choice to go back at this point because I won't go back without changes, but it hurts.

ninja7

I am sorry for your AH's alcoholism. I think we have to forgive ourselves. You also may forgive yourself.

Learn2Live

I know what you mean Praise, but it gets easier and better over time.

Pelican

PH,
Please reach out for immediate help in your community.
Call someone from your church, a friend, a family member or a help line.

Your life is upside down and all the pieces are scattered across the table right now. Yet, it is your one precious life and the pieces can be put back together.

These are some steps I use when I am overwhelmed with sadness:

Go to the bathroom and stand infront of the mirror.
Give myself a big hug (literally)
Tell myself "I love you"
Then I look myself in the eyes in the mirror and say:
"I love you and accept you exactly as you are", repeat.

When my feelings are full of negativity, I need to infuse some positivity. It helps me to remove the sucky (like your word) statements and add positive statements all day long. Like:
"I approve of me"

Please reach out for care and comfort. You are loved. You are terrific!

(these positive affirmations came from the book "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay)

Starburst

PH, you had to seperate to take care of you, you just need time to heal, one step at a time. Perhaps you need to take up a hobby? when my baby died (stillborn) i had to get up each day, i forced myself, i made a cake or something sweet each day (when im depressed, i bake), then i would go out into the garden and I gardened for hours, cutting shoots and making new plants, this helped me. Do something positive, you are special.

coffeedrinker

I think we all undertand that intense pang deep inside of us, for missing the good parts (of the partner) and also the dashing of those dreams we had.

I also realized long ago, that part of what makes those good times so powerfully beautiful, is the vast difference between those and the bad times. It's like a horrific storm just passed and the sunshine, birds, flowers all assault you and you just went from Hades to Paradise. The incredible relief that accompanies it is like a high.

Thank you for your post. It definitely helps to get outside yourself and your thoughts and feelings.

Kassie2

Hi ph

I read your post and can relate. I often feel this way. It does get better. You are not alone. You are among friendly support.

My therapist had me think of our separation and my feelings like a death. A death of the way things used to be ( the good memories) of dreams for the future (again, what you planned in the beginning) and a death in his presence on the scene in your life.

On the brighter side, as you stated, you took a stand for a sane lifestyle. You recognized what wasn't working. You took steps to correct the problem. You are creating the opportunity to build something better.

At the beginning I missed him in lying next to me at night and having coffee in the morning together and since we work at the same place, driving into work and having lunch together. But i never miss the tension, the arguing, the last minute cancellations of plans, the wastefulness of money(which was hard to come by), the embarrassment in front of my neighbors, and the isolation I felt as I was not able to talk to my friends or co workers about what was happening.

Being here has helped me to understand that whatever feelings he has for me - the pull of his illness is stronger. Not being together is about something I can control while the reason we are not together is something I cannot control.