praiseHim

My husband has said this a couple of times. Sometimes I wonder if it is true. Life still sucks for me and I don't drink at all. I don't always deal with life well and I still have problems. I think I deal with life and work through it, but life isn't necessarily "better". It is harder sober, because I have to deal with the pain, work through the feelings, deal with the problems. Sometimes I wished I had something to mask the pain too. I feel inadequate to offer hope or a different perspective, when I see my own life and sucky

Learn2Live

What are you personally doing to make your life NOT suck?
Do you strive for a better life or are you just going through the motions?
Yes, life is a THOUSAND times better sober.

Are you going to Al-Anon?

praiseHim

I'm striving for a better life, but don't know how to do that. I'm just stuck in depression right now and can't see past the negative. It is one thing after another with problems and I barely recover from one and it is something else. I've become quite negative and just weary from it all. there all things I enjoy in life and I strive to do fun things and make my life better, but it is hard. Right now, my circumstances make it very difficult. I am in alanon online. Looking for a group in my area. I guess I don't know how to live my life anymore and I'm miserable. I just see little hope right now. I don't know what to do to make my life not suck.

Learn2Live

Have you been evaluated by a doctor for clinical depression? You may want to start there. On-line Al-Anon is nothing like in-person Al-Anon. Get moving and get yourself to a meeting and you will feel better, I promise you. People need people and it does not sound like you have many people in your life to help you cope with this HUGE problem that you are coping with. This will also help to bring you hope again. I am sorry for what you are going through. I understand completely as I have struggled with the same issue my entire life. Can you get to an Al-Anon meeting tonight? Saturday night is a GREAT night to go around here; maybe it is the same where you live.

Starburst

Hi, PraiseHim, you and I are very similar, I am also going through depression, everyday I try to do something to make me happy. I also feel that its very hard to be the sober one, we have to deal with the reality of life, children, paying bills and the A just drinks it all away! Pretends life is fine, my AH told me once he is just going through the motions, that hurt because that means you have given up on life! He is trying to be more family orientated, but deep down inside i wonder if its just to keep me happy so I dont bust him on drinking again! He is in total denial! I sometimes think, i should start drinking! The most i have is 2 glasses at a time and then its awful headache next day. I don't drink at all, just now and then. It just doesn't appeal to me at all. Hope you feel better soon.

NoelleR

There's an old line used by some AAer's....: "If you don't drink; you won't get drunk; and your life will get better."

Every time I hear this I cringe..... I've seen too many folks get sober and not have their lives get better, so they figured it was all a crock, and they went back out. What I usually tell people is that if they don't drink; they won't get drunk; and if they don't get drunk, their lives may not get better, but I guarantee that their lives will get DIFFERENT.

.....and after a while, their perspective/perception may change, and they may very well see their lives as being better sober than drunk.

Kassie2

It is difficult to become sober and have to learn how to deal with life as it comes. Sometimes it is especially difficult to cope with the things done while drinking. My AH stumbled a lot when he would have to face the c***p he did to others because he genuinely felt it was very hurtful, but he figured it out in part through the help of a HP and our forgiving him. But I often saw how hard he took stuff and wondered if I could forgive myself so I understood the internal dialogue he had. Yet, he could at times forget and I actually witnessed true relaxation and laughter for the first time when he was sober. So I know it is possible. I like what Nicole said, being sober doesn't mean everything is better, but it does change.

I think it is hard to understand that these things take time. There is nothing instant in life - just like losing weight or growing up - we learn step by step and so it is with recovery and sobriety.

As the spouse, I think we have a harder time with the concept of changing ourselves because we do not see ourselves as part of the problem. By that I mean, we have all the memories of what took place and letting go of the past is a huge stumbling block to forgiveness. Then I think we expect too much too fast - that once they are sober, everything will be better. Not necessarily true.

Pelican

I'm not an expert and I am not a counselor, but this sounds like the bargaining stage of grief to me.

Bargaining: bargaining with ourself or our HP. Wondering if we acted differently, could we get less painful results. The bargain is an effort to avoid the inevitable pain from loss.

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you will find your way through the pain.

Still Waters

Life is better in recovery. Being sober and recovering are two very different things.

MissFixit

Life isn't fair. It isn't fun all of the time. Everyone has to work to make their life good for them. There is no one solution or life that suits everyone.

Sober folks have big problems too. The difference is that they have the mental faculities to choose differently, the health to potentially feel better and do not have the problems that drinking causes. That is the difference.

I think it is up to the individual if sobriety is better than being drunk. Maybe for some being drunk is better.

singerofsadsong

If you lived alone on a deserted island with a stockpile of alcohol, then the OP's question would be difficult. However if you live in a society with and have responsibilities, getting drunk all the time will not be the right choice. of course, this is just my non-expert opinion, I guess that goes without saying here? I am new.

Freedom1990

Depression can be extremely difficult, and debilitating at times.

I have suffered from clinical depression most of my adult life.

As for life being better while sober, first you have to define sober.

For me, sober is not just a physical state of not drinking. Sober refers to also addressing my underlying issues, both emotional/mental, and spiritual.

I spent a good portion of my life walking around with what I now call a huge God-shaped hole in my soul. I had no idea that spirituality and God were the answers.

I looked in all the wrong places for the answer, including alcohol, drugs, men, and sex.

Today I am reasonably happy. Notice I said 'reasonably'. There is no such thing as happiness 100% of the time.

However, the good days far outweigh the bad.

I sought the solution for my alcoholism within the rooms of AA.

I sought the solution for my clinical depression within the mental health field.

Please talk to your primary physician about your depression. Perhaps check into some counseling at your local mental health facility.

There's also nothing wrong with a good psychological evaluation with a psychiatrist. I see a psychiatrist every 3 months currently for med evals and discussing where I am at with my depression.

You are not alone. I know you feel like you are, or at least that's what deep depression has done to me.

:ghug3

hello-kitty

If you are an alcoholic or an addict, there is not one thing in your life that taking a drink or using drugs won't make one millions times worse. Everything gets worse when you use. That's the crux of it.

DesertEyes

No. Not for me anyway. Life has not changed since I got sober. Not at all.

What changed is _me_. I am now able to _deal_ with life and prevent it from getting worse. Without recovery, every single problem got worse. Without al-anon, my relationship with my ex just got worse and worse until we divorced. With al-anon my relationship with my g/f is getting better and better.

I don't either. What I did was take a class on how to deal with life well, and then apply what I learned. The class is found in the book of whatever 12 step program you attend.

I have something that works really well for me. It's called "working with others". I go to meetings, and when somebody is having a rough time with their life I take a little time and I _listen_ to them. No advice. No solutions. Just listen.

In our al-anon groups there's a lot of people who are still married to an active drinker. About once a month there's a funeral. Some alkie overdosed, crashed, shot himself, etc. etc. I go to the funeral, just to be there for the grieving family. That gives me a huge shot of "pain masking" for my own problems.

As far as my own life? I'm pretty sick. I have a terminal disease called "autonomic neuropathy". Basically, the insides of my body are slowly dying from lack of blood supply. It's very painful, and horribly debilitating. Docs say I'll break the world record if I live another 4 and a half years. Most folks die of a heart attack before then. Some aren't so lucky and have a massive stroke, or die some horrible death from gangrene.

Along the way I had some surgery to help deal with the neuropathy. Surgeon fouled up, poked a hole thru my head into my brain. Now I have a cyst growing in there. It's a toss up which causes more pain, the cyst or the neuropathy. As the cyst grows it will make be blind, deaf and unable to speak. If I'm luck it will press on the spinal cord and maybe stop my heart before it causes any worse damage.

So yeah, I have plenty of stuff to have a pity party over.

I just don't wanna. Recovery has given me the ability to make _me_ better. So instead I have been working my profession from the very active, outdoor career it was to a simple, desk job inside an air conditioned building. I'm too sick to do much else, so I hang out on SR and help take out the garbage. I go to meetings when I can and have a ton of friends in recovery. My 96yr old Mom is doing well, I keep in touch with her and send her flowers just cuz. I have a lovely g/f, a nice little condo, tons of good books to read and plenty of project around the house.

Every day when I go to work I stop outside my door and just look at the grass and trees they have out the back alley. There's birds singing and bushes blooming and the sky is blue. The morning is beautiful. It is wonderful to be alive and well enough to see the day and hear the birds and feel the warmth. In this economy i have a job _with_ insurance. I find that amazing and encouraging.

Ok, so my health sucks. I'm not even going to go into the marriage I lost, the business that died with the economy, how deeply in debt I am cuz of the medical bills or the real estate or how many meds I take. My life is full of hardships.

But _I_ am not going to focus on that. I follow the lessons of recovery and I focus on what is _good_ in my life, and on how I can make _me_ a better person, and be of service to those whose life is worse off than mine.

Anybody who's burying their spouse due to alcoholsim or addiction has it way worse than me. All things being equal, I have it way easy.

Does life get better? I don't care if it does or not. Recovery is _not_ about life, it's about _me_ and how to make _me_ better so that life no longer controls me.

So far, this recovery things is workig great for me. All I have to do is follow the directions in the book, can't be any simpler than that.

Mike

Learn2Live

Mike,
That was beautiful.
Thanks for sharing.

transformyself

My life sucked too when I was living with a practicing, blame shifting, raging alcoholic. I was depressed, confused, unable to function, had chronic pain and was constantly, physically sick.

It wasn't until I learned how to detach and focus on making myself better, not obsessing about him, that things started to change.

Life is full of all ranges of emotions and problems. Alcoholics, seems to me, can't handle them. Even the recovering folks I know are HUGE emotional wrecks some of the time. Who isn't?

Reality is-there is pain that goes along with the joy in life. My experience has shown me that alcoholics don't want that. They want constant pain free life, which just ain't reality.

ElegantlyWasted

Learnng to deal with life sober and being generally happy nad content takes some time and practice. It ultimately is a conscious decision. It to me a while to figure it out, but the only thing we really have control over is our own thoughts, habbits and beliefs. Living "sober" and being content is simple, yet a little difficult. You are going from a babbit pattern of filling a void with mind altering substances to one which involves different and healthier ways. Takes time and practice, but Its definitly doable. Best of luck. The HP thing can be a very powerful tool (figure out a working concept for yourself) and give it a try. Best of luck.

praiseHim

Thank you everyone.