Why is it so hard to find help when you want it and need it?

Old 06-12-2010, 12:39 AM
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Why is it so hard to find help when you want it and need it?

I'm really feeling discouraged and down about everything. It is one thing after another. Anyways, my husband is willing to get counseling and wants to work through his issues and then our issues as well. We went to a counselor last year that was horrible and totally unhelpful, she sat there for for every session and just listened and then said we needed to work on communication and that was it. Totally unhelpful. I got more help from friends. THis month we saw a counselor twice, but she isn't a good fit for my husband and he felt cornered and attacked by her and he said he will not go back to her. I'm fine if he finds someone else and told him to. You need a counselor that you respect and that you feel comfortable with. So I told him that he should find his own counselor and be happy with finding his own help and who he is talking to. I haven't decided if I'll stay with mine or not. She is very good and helps with guidance, and doesn't just sit there and listen. So I like that. My husband said he liked that about her as well. So here I am wondering what type of help to get or what to do. My husband needs to pick his own help at this point, as he needs to feel comfortable. I need to stay with my counselor for the moment. I'm on here and on an online alanon group actively. I'm looking for a real life alanon group, there aren't any that are close at this point, but still looking. my husband was attending AA, but isn't sure about it or if he needs to quit, so hasn't gone in about a week. So we are both willing to get help, and both see our problems, but not sure if we are getting the right help and hard to find My husband wants help and wants to deal with his issues, why he does the things he does, how to stop doing certain things he does, and wants us to get help as a family. But he has a lot of questions and doubts about quitting drinking. he is seeking answers and is researching on his own and wants to find answers. I hope that he finds the help that he needs/wants. This is the first time in 13 years that he has even gone to AA or even looked at himself this much. I hope that I find the help I need/want as well.
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Old 06-12-2010, 12:48 AM
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Hi PraiseHim, i really feel for you! You are at least in a better position than me, mine refuses help, the first time 11 years ago, he went cold turkey, took 3 months for him to sober up, never went for any counselling or AA, now i am sure because of that he is now right back to that day, if your issues are never worked through, how can you heal, I was a big part in his recovery, but this time it seems I have no standing at all, we were so, so close. Now it feels as if I have lost my whole world, but I do have 2 beautiful girls, which keep me going and I really pray, he will find peace and realize all he is losing. Thinking of you.
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Old 06-12-2010, 12:56 AM
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Originally Posted by mamm View Post
Hi PraiseHim, i really feel for you! You are at least in a better position than me, mine refuses help, the first time 11 years ago, he went cold turkey, took 3 months for him to sober up, never went for any counselling or AA, now i am sure because of that he is now right back to that day, if your issues are never worked through, how can you heal, I was a big part in his recovery, but this time it seems I have no standing at all, we were so, so close. Now it feels as if I have lost my whole world, but I do have 2 beautiful girls, which keep me going and I really pray, he will find peace and realize all he is losing. Thinking of you.
Yes, I really feel your hurt with how close you all got. I feel really sorry that you all lost that. when he relapsed I am thankful that my husband is willing to get help. I'm worried that unless the drinking and our issues are addressed that we will be in the same position. We have worked on our issues time and time again, but have never improved long term. I really think that it is because the drinking and the issues were not both dealt with. Kinda the opposite of your problem. I've heard that though, that it will be out of balance unless both things are dealt with: your problems, feelings, past AND the drinking.
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Old 06-12-2010, 05:05 AM
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I'm going to make a suggestion, and if you decide to try it, I'm pretty sure you'll understand why I suggested it.

See if YOU (singular) can find an OPEN 11th step (this one in particular) meeting through Alcoholics Anonymous. Open means anybody can go. Go, and see what happens, what you experience. You can sit in the back, and don't have to say a thing, just watch. They don't bite, they are quite amazing to be around, and I'll bet this meeting will change your whole outlook, from the things you experience.

Once you experience these things, you will have a LOT more clarity. You will see the difference between quitting drinking... and living.

It's an hour of your life, and a bit of scheduling and some gas. But it could make a huge difference, in your life, from what you see there.

CLMI
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Old 06-12-2010, 05:20 AM
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I'm sorry you are hurting and struggling.

If your depression is lasting for long periods, and you feel stuck - Please get professional help.

I noticed in your post that you refer often to your AH's recovery and the steps he is taking. I did the same thing with my A after he stopped attending AA. I wondered about X, y & z of his recovery.

I finally had to detach, let go and give him to my HP. His recovery belongs to him. His recovery may not look like mine, yours, or your AH's recovery. But the last time I saw him, he didn't look like me either.

Your AH must choose his own path of recovery. It might not include the same steps as your recovery. He may or may not stumble along the way. He may not finish the journey. It is his recovery. Give him to your HP and let them work it out together.

What can you do today to help yourself?
Can we help?
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Old 06-12-2010, 06:39 AM
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Find a counselor you trust, one who has knowledge of addiction, one who listens to you and suggests options....never one who makes you feel comfortable.

An old chair can make you feel comfortable....while it is doing your spine no good.
So with a counselor...comfortable means you are not being challenged to move on, to work hard or grow in yourself. If you don't get discomfort and "growing pains" whilst in any therapy...there is going to be little progress if any for you.

These comments were made by a wonderful man who is my ideal of a therapist, and who lectured to us students. He has passed now, but his melody lingers on in many who follow his teaching.

God bless
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Old 06-12-2010, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post
I'm going to make a suggestion, and if you decide to try it, I'm pretty sure you'll understand why I suggested it.

See if YOU (singular) can find an OPEN 11th step (this one in particular) meeting through Alcoholics Anonymous. Open means anybody can go. Go, and see what happens, what you experience. You can sit in the back, and don't have to say a thing, just watch. They don't bite, they are quite amazing to be around, and I'll bet this meeting will change your whole outlook, from the things you experience.

Once you experience these things, you will have a LOT more clarity. You will see the difference between quitting drinking... and living.

It's an hour of your life, and a bit of scheduling and some gas. But it could make a huge difference, in your life, from what you see there.

CLMI
I'm going to try and do this, I'm intrigued.
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Old 06-12-2010, 06:51 AM
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About therapists and therapy. Not always easy to find the right fit but well worth the trouble to do so. I might suggest that seeking someone who specializes in marriage/family counseling vs individual. The difference stems from this: indiv therapists can be trained in any former tradition and vary from person to person, family therapists are trained exactly the same, individ therapists interact with you to build a healing relationship, family therapist are out of the picture and encourage a healing relationship between the couple. I do agree that the person should have a knowledge of D/A as well and you both will benefit from the teachings in AA and alanon.
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Old 06-12-2010, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
I'm going to try and do this, I'm intrigued.
Please let me know how it goes. It is a highly powerful experience, that you cannot imagine ahead of time. You actually have to experience it, and it really can change your whole frame of thinking, once you've seen the power of recovery tools at work, and the changes in people's lives and perceptions. It's palpable, and powerful.

CLMI
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Old 06-12-2010, 07:01 AM
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In the initial stages of my own recovery I attended more AA and NA classes than I did Al-Anon. The people there not only showed me what this disease is all about but they inspired me to make the necessary changes in my own life as well.

I've never attended an 11th step AA meeting but would like to, thanks CLME. for the suggestion.
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Old 06-12-2010, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post
Please let me know how it goes. It is a highly powerful experience, that you cannot imagine ahead of time. You actually have to experience it, and it really can change your whole frame of thinking, once you've seen the power of recovery tools at work, and the changes in people's lives and perceptions. It's palpable, and powerful.

CLMI
I've looked at the list of local meetings, and they don't say which step they're discussing. Drat.
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Old 06-12-2010, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
I've looked at the list of local meetings, and they don't say which step they're discussing. Drat.
(sorry about hijacking the thread)

You can call the AA number, and tell them where your general location is and that you are looking to visit an open 11th step meeting. Sometimes an area will have a dedicated 11th step meeting - this would be ideal. But sometimes they don't, but may have an open meeting that rotates going through the steps - an open "step meeting." The dedicated 11th step meetings tend to have a higher proportion of folks farther along into serious recovery, who have done some serious personal change and growth, and their perspectives tend to illuminate these changes.

In the absence of this option, you can pick an open meeting in a location that doesn't intimidate you (believe me there are meetings EVERYWHERE) and when you get there, afterwards ask a person there, who seems put together, their opinion on a very good meeting to try, that is open. It is fine to explain to them that you are looking to see what genuine recovery looks like; they are more than happy to have the public see recovery at work. You do not need to mention your specific circumstances why you are wanting to see recovery, or discuss any person who you know that may be an alcoholic - recovery is all about your focus on yourself.

The network in AA is unbelievable, and believe me, they can help you out if you assert yourself and ask. (If you stand around looking lost, they may not come up to you, as they are also sensitive to new folks wanting space to see a meeting their first time, or sometimes they will give a basic greeting to you, and let you lead if you want anything else.)

Once you find such a meeting, the stuff you will experience is amazing, and I found for myself that it helped me immensely to see the ANALOGOUS work needed on the codie side. I found that often it was much easier for me to see things in the AA version, then look for the analagous work on the Alanon side. There are parallels for just about everything, where recovery tools and work can be applied.

The point of all this is not that AA or the steps are the only way. But it's an excellent way to see what actual recovery looks and feels like. In my experience, once you've experienced it, it's very clear and not ambiguous. Many people struggle with what "recovery" means because their only experience has been from an outside view; they stay confused a long time. Why not go observe from the inside, and see the real deal?

CLMI
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