Hope dies last
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Singer, welcome to SR. 
Stick around, do some reading, and post when you feel like talking some more, okay?
My name is DeVon, and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. I am also a recovering codependent.
I was married to an active alcoholic/addict.
His story didn't have a happy ending. He passed away a few years ago from complications due to AIDS.
He also had a chance at recovery, but opted out of that.
I also have a 32 year old daughter who's an active alcoholic/addict.
In spite of her choices, my life is full and reasonably happy.
I'm glad you're here. You're not alone in your struggles.
Stick around, do some reading, and post when you feel like talking some more, okay?
My name is DeVon, and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. I am also a recovering codependent.
I was married to an active alcoholic/addict.
His story didn't have a happy ending. He passed away a few years ago from complications due to AIDS.
He also had a chance at recovery, but opted out of that.
I also have a 32 year old daughter who's an active alcoholic/addict.
In spite of her choices, my life is full and reasonably happy.
I'm glad you're here. You're not alone in your struggles.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
Thanks all for the welcome's. I have been reading posts on here for a while now and just finally decided to register.
I had so much anger brewing up inside of me over AW drinking that I was beginning to loose control. I even put my hands on her in a rough way a couple of times over the last week. It is hard to admit that. Previous to this woman I had lost my temper maybe twice in 15 years. With the verbal abuse it gets harder and harder to just ignore it. But that was last week, well, culminated last week.
On Thursday I was about to explode after a chinese food delivery man showed up at the door with some food saying he was sorry he wasn't allowed to bring beer. Previously during the day the AW "promised" that she knew she had gone out to far again and was going to stop. On top of this I had just made her a dinner (cause she was too drunk to cook) that she didn't eat (cause she was too drunk to eat). On top of this I just got done explaining to her that the mortgage check might bounce because of all the money she was spending. Anyway I am sure you all have similar stories...
I knew at this point I had to get out of there, and I was either going to go to the bar, or a meeting, so I thought about what would be better and went to an AA meeting. I haven't been for a while, and I was lucky to meet someone there, because I went at the wrong time, who I talked to for a bit. It helped, partly because his XAW acted up a lot worse than mine.
Of course when I got back she pulled up in a cab with a load of beers...ugh...I almost lost control, but managed to get but with just making some sarcastic and ugly remarks. Not proud of that either, but considering how many straws have broken this camel's back, I was satisfied with that reaction and the fact that it didn't cause me to drink. I quit drinking because I thought it might help her to be around alcohol less, and to know I was there with her, supporting her. Of course, I was the only one that quit.
I am praying for my bitterness and anger to be taken from me, I will be reading along in this board now more seriously. I realize I need some help with this.
Things are looking good today, she is back to herself. Lets hope she can make it last this time.
I had so much anger brewing up inside of me over AW drinking that I was beginning to loose control. I even put my hands on her in a rough way a couple of times over the last week. It is hard to admit that. Previous to this woman I had lost my temper maybe twice in 15 years. With the verbal abuse it gets harder and harder to just ignore it. But that was last week, well, culminated last week.
On Thursday I was about to explode after a chinese food delivery man showed up at the door with some food saying he was sorry he wasn't allowed to bring beer. Previously during the day the AW "promised" that she knew she had gone out to far again and was going to stop. On top of this I had just made her a dinner (cause she was too drunk to cook) that she didn't eat (cause she was too drunk to eat). On top of this I just got done explaining to her that the mortgage check might bounce because of all the money she was spending. Anyway I am sure you all have similar stories...
I knew at this point I had to get out of there, and I was either going to go to the bar, or a meeting, so I thought about what would be better and went to an AA meeting. I haven't been for a while, and I was lucky to meet someone there, because I went at the wrong time, who I talked to for a bit. It helped, partly because his XAW acted up a lot worse than mine.
Of course when I got back she pulled up in a cab with a load of beers...ugh...I almost lost control, but managed to get but with just making some sarcastic and ugly remarks. Not proud of that either, but considering how many straws have broken this camel's back, I was satisfied with that reaction and the fact that it didn't cause me to drink. I quit drinking because I thought it might help her to be around alcohol less, and to know I was there with her, supporting her. Of course, I was the only one that quit.
I am praying for my bitterness and anger to be taken from me, I will be reading along in this board now more seriously. I realize I need some help with this.
Things are looking good today, she is back to herself. Lets hope she can make it last this time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
Hi Singer,
Welcome to the SR, I have only been here about a week, but feel I have learned so much.
I can relate to your stories, as I lived with my XAGF, unfortunately for me I was too wrapped up into trying to save her at the time, when I should have been going to Al Anon. Close to the past few months we were together, she bounced checks at will. She would go back to the same liquor store over and over, of course not remembering any of it.
If I had come to the SR boards and Al Anon back then, I would have saved a great deal of money and what little I had left of my sanity at the time.
Keep reading, it will get better.
Hope does die last, and that was my problem, I had to much!
Welcome to the SR, I have only been here about a week, but feel I have learned so much.
I can relate to your stories, as I lived with my XAGF, unfortunately for me I was too wrapped up into trying to save her at the time, when I should have been going to Al Anon. Close to the past few months we were together, she bounced checks at will. She would go back to the same liquor store over and over, of course not remembering any of it.
If I had come to the SR boards and Al Anon back then, I would have saved a great deal of money and what little I had left of my sanity at the time.
Keep reading, it will get better.
Hope does die last, and that was my problem, I had to much!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hello Singer, and welcome.
I am glad you went to a meeting instead of staying and engaging in a senseless kind of warfare. We have all certainly done that, but when we realize it is only a study in futility, we can let go of it a little.
My ex-husband was a mostly quiet, outwardly respectful man. He lost his temper rarely.
One time he was so aggravated with me for being late coming home (I'm a chronic late arriver) the kids told me he pushed over the Christmas tree. One time he put his hands on me. The anger just built up inside until it was rage. I remembering wishing, and telling him, that I would prefer he would just be honest with me regarding his differences of opinions, then just say "yes" and create resentments.
Now, he was dealing with a mostly-rational person. But can I suggest that you try and not bottle up your anger? As you probably know, resentments are the surest way to a relapse - your sobriety is your number one priority.
Thank you for your post.
I am glad you went to a meeting instead of staying and engaging in a senseless kind of warfare. We have all certainly done that, but when we realize it is only a study in futility, we can let go of it a little.
My ex-husband was a mostly quiet, outwardly respectful man. He lost his temper rarely.
One time he was so aggravated with me for being late coming home (I'm a chronic late arriver) the kids told me he pushed over the Christmas tree. One time he put his hands on me. The anger just built up inside until it was rage. I remembering wishing, and telling him, that I would prefer he would just be honest with me regarding his differences of opinions, then just say "yes" and create resentments.
Now, he was dealing with a mostly-rational person. But can I suggest that you try and not bottle up your anger? As you probably know, resentments are the surest way to a relapse - your sobriety is your number one priority.
Thank you for your post.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi singer - and welcome!
Lets hope she can make it last this time.
Hope is not a plan and nothing changes if nothing changes. If staying in this unchanging situation is starting to affect your sanity (i.e. you feel you are losing control of yourself and your impulse control) then maybe you need to change up what you've been doing!
I got a lot of help and perspective on the alcoholics in my life through AlAnon - like this forum, it is for the friends and family of alcoholics. You know how AA works - it is very similar. It taught me how to completely let go of their problems, to stop enabling their disease, and get the focus back on my problems, my goals, my dreams. Made life 1000% better.
She is an alcoholic so her promises to change are empty! Only her actions tell the true story.
But you are free at anytime to stop her insanity from interfering with your life. One way to begin is to think about whether or not you are enabling her disease in any way. I had to take a good hard look at how I was enabling my A bros (money, listening to their sob stories, place to crash, bail money, etc etc) It was hard to stop at first because I always thought I was helping - but I was only really helping alcohol kill them.
It's great you're here and congrats on your sobriety!
peace-
b
Lets hope she can make it last this time.
Hope is not a plan and nothing changes if nothing changes. If staying in this unchanging situation is starting to affect your sanity (i.e. you feel you are losing control of yourself and your impulse control) then maybe you need to change up what you've been doing!
I got a lot of help and perspective on the alcoholics in my life through AlAnon - like this forum, it is for the friends and family of alcoholics. You know how AA works - it is very similar. It taught me how to completely let go of their problems, to stop enabling their disease, and get the focus back on my problems, my goals, my dreams. Made life 1000% better.
She is an alcoholic so her promises to change are empty! Only her actions tell the true story.
But you are free at anytime to stop her insanity from interfering with your life. One way to begin is to think about whether or not you are enabling her disease in any way. I had to take a good hard look at how I was enabling my A bros (money, listening to their sob stories, place to crash, bail money, etc etc) It was hard to stop at first because I always thought I was helping - but I was only really helping alcohol kill them.
It's great you're here and congrats on your sobriety!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
Bernadette. thanks for your response.
I feel I am enabling a bit. She spends a lot of my money on the sauce, i feel like taking away her credit cards and checks sometimes during a bender, but I wonder if that is worth it, I can't control her, last time I did that she tried to bust out a window just to spite me. Besides that I have been wondering if she needs to develop the freedom to choose to stop when she could keep going.
I feel like I have to listen to those sob stories when she is drunk. Is that wrong, they do drive me crazy to hear the same stories over again, but what can I do? I love her for some strange reason. I think my personality is the one that wants to fix things? I realize I can't fix this, she has to, but I feel like I could help by suggesting things and encouraging her and forgiving her.
I don't quite understand how to stop her insanity from interfering with my life. Though I haven't been to an Al-anon meeting yet or started reading on here about the steps.
Things have been good now for several days. Her trouble will/may come at around 2-4 weeks when/if she falls off the wagon again. I know I need to put in some time reading the stiky posts at the top and stuff so that if it happens again I can know how to deal with it better. After three years this s**t still drives me insane.
I feel I am enabling a bit. She spends a lot of my money on the sauce, i feel like taking away her credit cards and checks sometimes during a bender, but I wonder if that is worth it, I can't control her, last time I did that she tried to bust out a window just to spite me. Besides that I have been wondering if she needs to develop the freedom to choose to stop when she could keep going.
I feel like I have to listen to those sob stories when she is drunk. Is that wrong, they do drive me crazy to hear the same stories over again, but what can I do? I love her for some strange reason. I think my personality is the one that wants to fix things? I realize I can't fix this, she has to, but I feel like I could help by suggesting things and encouraging her and forgiving her.
I don't quite understand how to stop her insanity from interfering with my life. Though I haven't been to an Al-anon meeting yet or started reading on here about the steps.
Things have been good now for several days. Her trouble will/may come at around 2-4 weeks when/if she falls off the wagon again. I know I need to put in some time reading the stiky posts at the top and stuff so that if it happens again I can know how to deal with it better. After three years this s**t still drives me insane.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by singerofsadsong 
She spends a lot of my money on the sauce, i feel like taking away her credit cards and checks sometimes during a bender, but I wonder if that is worth it, I can't control her, last time I did that she tried to bust out a window just to spite me.
That's not controlling for me. That is a healthy boundary.
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