Nasty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Nasty
Hello all,
I just had an unpleasant realisation which might sound trivial but which I think is significant:
My wife and I were both at home all day doing bits of work (although I did get to a meeting at lunchtime). I've been floating around acting all serene, but that's the thing - It's an act. When I think about it, I've actually been harbouring a resentment towards my wife and have expressed this in lots of RIDICULOUS ways. When she changed the TV channel, I haughtily left the room, when she smoked a joint and I came into the room (she's being thoughtful enough to keep it out of my sight. For goodness' sake though - she's not the addict!) I walked out silently wounded. I even made a snide comment about HER CHOICE OF BAKED BEAN BRAND. Ok, people do this sort of thing to each other, and none in themselves are important BUT I realise that I'm finding ways to blame her for impeding my recovery. I'm setting myself up to drink in the future and make it her fault!
This is confirmed by the fact that I haven't called my sponsor this evening, he had to call me, and in fact I'm still resistant to actually getting the process properly started, despite my 'I'm so ready for this' claims.
On top of this, it isn't even a 'realisation' as I claim at the top of the post - on some level, I knew what I was doing at the time.
Please excuse the rant, but this is HARD - the alcoholic me is not going to go down as easily as I hoped. I won't dwell on it, just focus on spotting this stuff wherever it pops up, and will talk to my wife and sponsor.
Thanks everyone,
SM
I just had an unpleasant realisation which might sound trivial but which I think is significant:
My wife and I were both at home all day doing bits of work (although I did get to a meeting at lunchtime). I've been floating around acting all serene, but that's the thing - It's an act. When I think about it, I've actually been harbouring a resentment towards my wife and have expressed this in lots of RIDICULOUS ways. When she changed the TV channel, I haughtily left the room, when she smoked a joint and I came into the room (she's being thoughtful enough to keep it out of my sight. For goodness' sake though - she's not the addict!) I walked out silently wounded. I even made a snide comment about HER CHOICE OF BAKED BEAN BRAND. Ok, people do this sort of thing to each other, and none in themselves are important BUT I realise that I'm finding ways to blame her for impeding my recovery. I'm setting myself up to drink in the future and make it her fault!
This is confirmed by the fact that I haven't called my sponsor this evening, he had to call me, and in fact I'm still resistant to actually getting the process properly started, despite my 'I'm so ready for this' claims.
On top of this, it isn't even a 'realisation' as I claim at the top of the post - on some level, I knew what I was doing at the time.
Please excuse the rant, but this is HARD - the alcoholic me is not going to go down as easily as I hoped. I won't dwell on it, just focus on spotting this stuff wherever it pops up, and will talk to my wife and sponsor.
Thanks everyone,
SM
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
You're right it is hard, and complex and confusing at times.
I did what you are doing too. I was angry at so many people because I had become an addict. How does that make sense?? I also remember knowing that I was setting myself up to fail. I wanted to sabotage myself. I was actually more comfortable failing that succeeding. Succeeding at recovery was a scary thought to me. Being aware is a huge first step for you.
And, keep in mind that other people, such as your wife, find it very hard, if not impossible, to understand what we go through. That's why it's so good to be able to come here.
I did what you are doing too. I was angry at so many people because I had become an addict. How does that make sense?? I also remember knowing that I was setting myself up to fail. I wanted to sabotage myself. I was actually more comfortable failing that succeeding. Succeeding at recovery was a scary thought to me. Being aware is a huge first step for you.
And, keep in mind that other people, such as your wife, find it very hard, if not impossible, to understand what we go through. That's why it's so good to be able to come here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Kudos to you for recognizing the motivation behind your actions and words. I think that this is a major step for all of us. Historically, we feel and then react impulsively. To me, recovery is about pausing, stepping back, seeing our underlying motives and responding (vs reacting).
Yes, it is hard. It is a process. Again, becasue we are alcoholic, we want it now, but the learning comes in the pauses and quiet spaces in between, IMHO.
Yes, it is hard. It is a process. Again, becasue we are alcoholic, we want it now, but the learning comes in the pauses and quiet spaces in between, IMHO.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 237
Eeeee, yes I can totally relate. My hubby is out right now boozing with friends (we used to do it together) I cant help but think that he would be here now at home if I was still drinking and it it feels really bad... so of course I am furious with him.
Its really hard when your SO is a substance user... I dont know if I can do this with him still drinking too.
I know I have to be patient and its my problem that I have to deal with... but its so hard. I am glad I am not alone
Its really hard when your SO is a substance user... I dont know if I can do this with him still drinking too.
I know I have to be patient and its my problem that I have to deal with... but its so hard. I am glad I am not alone
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
I'm only speaking for myself and can totally relate to this.
I remember when I got sober, I spent alot of time looking for pats on the back and a way to go from people; this recovery thing was hard, I wanted some recognition for it, g*damn it!
Life just seemed to go on for everyone else and I was struggling - it didn't seem fair. If other people weren't going to join me in sobriety, they should at least be pacifying me. How dare they continue to enjoy their carousing and partying when I can't???
The nerve!
I acted out in subtle ways and definitely harbored resentments; hoping that my SO (at the time) would have the worst hangover after a night of partying like we used to do together; flaunting how good I felt in the midst of his puking; I was pathetic.
The turning point for me was when I began to own that I wanted recovery for me...nobody else...just me...regardless of what anybody else was or was not doing; I wanted to be sober.
I still have to remind myself that life is not all about meeeeeeeee, no matter what anyone else is doing and that my decisions and choices directly affect how I feel about myself more than what anyone else may or may not think about me.
I have to live with myself, after all, and for a very long time, that was the most difficult person I ever had to live with.
I remember when I got sober, I spent alot of time looking for pats on the back and a way to go from people; this recovery thing was hard, I wanted some recognition for it, g*damn it!
Life just seemed to go on for everyone else and I was struggling - it didn't seem fair. If other people weren't going to join me in sobriety, they should at least be pacifying me. How dare they continue to enjoy their carousing and partying when I can't???
The nerve!
I acted out in subtle ways and definitely harbored resentments; hoping that my SO (at the time) would have the worst hangover after a night of partying like we used to do together; flaunting how good I felt in the midst of his puking; I was pathetic.
The turning point for me was when I began to own that I wanted recovery for me...nobody else...just me...regardless of what anybody else was or was not doing; I wanted to be sober.
I still have to remind myself that life is not all about meeeeeeeee, no matter what anyone else is doing and that my decisions and choices directly affect how I feel about myself more than what anyone else may or may not think about me.
I have to live with myself, after all, and for a very long time, that was the most difficult person I ever had to live with.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 36
That is unpleasant. I heard the biggest factorer with alcohol was the destroying of relationships. I ruined my marriage by constantly hiding/covering up my drinking along with denail. Finally, she had enough and cheated. I still felt guilt/shame because I cheated with alcohol. What a life.
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi Max,
What I learned through the inventory process of the steps is that all of my thinking was resentful. At the time, I had no idea but once it was pointed out to me, I could see how my thinking used to be very twisted and nasty.
Most of the time I don't think like that now but it is something I have to work on. The program has given me the tools to have a better "thinking" life. The difference I notice now is the my head is quiet and peaceful and I am able to sit in the quiet and just be. Before I used to always need some kind of artificial noise like music or TV to distract myself from the thoughts in my head - in the meetings I go to we call this the "washing machine head"
Well this is down to you now Max. Are you powerless over alcohol?
Resentment is the "number one" offender ~ p64
Most of the time I don't think like that now but it is something I have to work on. The program has given me the tools to have a better "thinking" life. The difference I notice now is the my head is quiet and peaceful and I am able to sit in the quiet and just be. Before I used to always need some kind of artificial noise like music or TV to distract myself from the thoughts in my head - in the meetings I go to we call this the "washing machine head"
Originally Posted by sobermax 
This is confirmed by the fact that I haven't called my sponsor this evening, he had to call me, and in fact I'm still resistant to actually getting the process properly started, despite my 'I'm so ready for this' claims.
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