Does SO drink?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 237
Does SO drink?
Does your significant other drink? If so how is that working for you trying to get sober.
My hubby drinks often (every few days) but not that much (glass of wine, maybe two). We usually go out on the weekends and have some drinks (usually lots) and dinner or visit with friends.. we are very social. I prefer beer so I dont really mind if he drinks wine. My only concern is that where he and I would go out for a night and have dinner drinks etc on a weekend night I dont want to do that anymore. Im sure he still does and will have to leave me behind and find others to do this with. I think that will really hurt my feelings. I hope it doesnt happen. This not drinking thing could wreck my marriage
But if thats the case... guess it wasnt much of a marriage huh
My hubby drinks often (every few days) but not that much (glass of wine, maybe two). We usually go out on the weekends and have some drinks (usually lots) and dinner or visit with friends.. we are very social. I prefer beer so I dont really mind if he drinks wine. My only concern is that where he and I would go out for a night and have dinner drinks etc on a weekend night I dont want to do that anymore. Im sure he still does and will have to leave me behind and find others to do this with. I think that will really hurt my feelings. I hope it doesnt happen. This not drinking thing could wreck my marriage
But if thats the case... guess it wasnt much of a marriage huh
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
I would hope that your not drinking wouldn't wreck your marriage. I'd like to think it would work the other way.
My fiancee still drinks, but not heavily. She doesn't drink during the week, and on weekend nights she may go out with the girls and have a few drinks. I'm totally cool with that, and I've even dropped her off and picked her up so she doesn't have to worry about driving. I'm glad that I don't drink so she has a ride whenever she needs one. But she's totally just a social drinker. She may have a couple beers on the weekend at her tennis match or tailgating before a football game, but that's about it.
She doesn't keep alcohol in the house, except for maybe a 12-pack that she buys Friday night for her tennis team the next day. And when we go out to eat I have to assure her that it's OK for her to have a glass of wine or a beer. I'm the one with the problem, not her.
My fiancee still drinks, but not heavily. She doesn't drink during the week, and on weekend nights she may go out with the girls and have a few drinks. I'm totally cool with that, and I've even dropped her off and picked her up so she doesn't have to worry about driving. I'm glad that I don't drink so she has a ride whenever she needs one. But she's totally just a social drinker. She may have a couple beers on the weekend at her tennis match or tailgating before a football game, but that's about it.
She doesn't keep alcohol in the house, except for maybe a 12-pack that she buys Friday night for her tennis team the next day. And when we go out to eat I have to assure her that it's OK for her to have a glass of wine or a beer. I'm the one with the problem, not her.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 651
But if thats the case... guess it wasnt much of a marriage huh
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
Like Snarf said we are the ones with the problem not our partners.
My wife drinks now and then and I to was also thinking how I might deal with it. But I thought about it and realized I am the one with the problem not her. And to make my problem her problem would not be very fair and could very well affect our relationship if I started to dictate drinking habits that were not mine.
I say go with him to the places he goes but with the firm resolve that you are going to be the designated driver for everyone. You will still have fun and be with everyone that you were with in the past, but sober.
When I am in this setting I make sure I know how dangerous the first drink would be so I simply do not have it. Think of you drinking like putting your hand into a boiling hot vat of oil. why would any sane person do that.
Now if everyone starts giving you problems about the non drinking and starts to push you on it then you must walk away.
Cheers!
My wife drinks now and then and I to was also thinking how I might deal with it. But I thought about it and realized I am the one with the problem not her. And to make my problem her problem would not be very fair and could very well affect our relationship if I started to dictate drinking habits that were not mine.
I say go with him to the places he goes but with the firm resolve that you are going to be the designated driver for everyone. You will still have fun and be with everyone that you were with in the past, but sober.
When I am in this setting I make sure I know how dangerous the first drink would be so I simply do not have it. Think of you drinking like putting your hand into a boiling hot vat of oil. why would any sane person do that.
Now if everyone starts giving you problems about the non drinking and starts to push you on it then you must walk away.
Cheers!
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
My husband drinks a glass of wine like once a month, and usually it's not when I'm with him anyway. The first few months I was sober, he didn't drink.. we don't keep alcohol in the home. Because he's not an alcoholic, he could care less. I think he drinks sometimes now, but I honestly don't even know, it's so rare.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
My past girlfriends have all been drinkers (to a degree) and most of my friends drink. There's an old AA line about not hanging out at wet places or with wet faces. Before, I thought that was just stupid. Now, I'd say I agree with it to a degree. IF you've not had the obsession to drink removed.....follow that rule. If it has been removed, then there's some wiggle room.
Being around drinkers doesn't bother me. Once and a while they do, but it's the exception rather than the rule. If I know ahead of time I'll be in that environment, I make sure I have a way to get out - just in case it starts to bug me.
I look at the condemnation of all drinking as another possible resentment and the AA book says resentments are the number ONE reason we go back to the bottle. So.... I can't afford to resent booze or other drinkers.
Early in my recovery, when I determined I needed to stop but didn't want to stop, I did a lot of praying that I could one day "not want to drink anymore." The God of my understanding hooked me up.....BIG TIME. From that moment on..... no b.s........ being in a bar, around drinkers, around booze and so on didn't really matter to me. I just didn't want any booze for myself anymore.
I didn't DO anything other than pray. No physical labor, no avoiding wet faces/places, heck....I didn't even read the Big Book, had only gone to a handful of meetings, wasn't TRYING to work any program of recovery..... I wasn't even striving FOR recovery. I just prayed that I wouldn't want to keep doing more of what I had been doing. Pretty simple huh? Turns out, I was working the first 3 AA steps and didn't even know it or believe it.
Just trusting my own will power, thinking through the drink, all that crap never kept me sober....never. I drink no matter what the consequences.....period. Left to my own best efforts, I wind up right back in AA, a treatment center, or in jail....AGAIN
That's the good thing about alcoholism. Mess with it long enough and it'll paint you (you'll paint yourself?) into a corner so tight you have no other options but to ask God for some help - even if you don't believe in him. Then.......once you start asking your God for some help.......man-o-man....... things really start happening. Things get so good so fast it has most of us getting a little upset with ourselves for not having done it sooner.
Give it a try. Your husband's drinking won't bug you for even a second anymore.
Being around drinkers doesn't bother me. Once and a while they do, but it's the exception rather than the rule. If I know ahead of time I'll be in that environment, I make sure I have a way to get out - just in case it starts to bug me.
I look at the condemnation of all drinking as another possible resentment and the AA book says resentments are the number ONE reason we go back to the bottle. So.... I can't afford to resent booze or other drinkers.
Early in my recovery, when I determined I needed to stop but didn't want to stop, I did a lot of praying that I could one day "not want to drink anymore." The God of my understanding hooked me up.....BIG TIME. From that moment on..... no b.s........ being in a bar, around drinkers, around booze and so on didn't really matter to me. I just didn't want any booze for myself anymore.
I didn't DO anything other than pray. No physical labor, no avoiding wet faces/places, heck....I didn't even read the Big Book, had only gone to a handful of meetings, wasn't TRYING to work any program of recovery..... I wasn't even striving FOR recovery. I just prayed that I wouldn't want to keep doing more of what I had been doing. Pretty simple huh? Turns out, I was working the first 3 AA steps and didn't even know it or believe it.
Just trusting my own will power, thinking through the drink, all that crap never kept me sober....never. I drink no matter what the consequences.....period. Left to my own best efforts, I wind up right back in AA, a treatment center, or in jail....AGAIN
That's the good thing about alcoholism. Mess with it long enough and it'll paint you (you'll paint yourself?) into a corner so tight you have no other options but to ask God for some help - even if you don't believe in him. Then.......once you start asking your God for some help.......man-o-man....... things really start happening. Things get so good so fast it has most of us getting a little upset with ourselves for not having done it sooner. Give it a try. Your husband's drinking won't bug you for even a second anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
My wife has a tall white wine spritzer every night before bed... It truly sucked for me at first, but now I don't care...
Your question, though, seems to be about what your not drinking will mean for your relationship, what will you do for fun, when you go out for dinner. I used to wrestle with all of that... negatively projecting into the future...
It works out, it just does, as long as both of you are committed to the relationship and love one another... How, how will it work out? What will you do together? Hey, this is a brand new dance, those questions will be answered, but not now, you both have some growing, some changing...
Saying that this not drinking could ruin your marriage underestimates your ability to adapt and is defeatist.
Easy does it... take it one day at a time.
Your question, though, seems to be about what your not drinking will mean for your relationship, what will you do for fun, when you go out for dinner. I used to wrestle with all of that... negatively projecting into the future...
It works out, it just does, as long as both of you are committed to the relationship and love one another... How, how will it work out? What will you do together? Hey, this is a brand new dance, those questions will be answered, but not now, you both have some growing, some changing...
Saying that this not drinking could ruin your marriage underestimates your ability to adapt and is defeatist.
Easy does it... take it one day at a time.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
woops......forgot part of what I meant to say.... (heh, why NOT make a long post longer....lol?)
........your husband's drinking won't bother you anymore. You'll go with him and won't be "left at home because you don't drink." You'll have all the fun you're SUPPOSED to have in life. You'll be able to go to parties, go to graduations, go to New Year celebrations, etc etc etc. You just won't want to drink yourself. Never once have I ever heard of someone being asked to leave a party because they were NOT drinking - but I've seen plenty of drunks THROWN out.
That's how real recovery works. Who the heck wants to recover from their alcoholism only to be kept locked in a closet?
I'd rather recover so I can live life vs. avoid life so I can stay in recovery.
Another little "fact" I've learned: We need to learn how to be as happy in our recovery as we ever were in our addiction.
........your husband's drinking won't bother you anymore. You'll go with him and won't be "left at home because you don't drink." You'll have all the fun you're SUPPOSED to have in life. You'll be able to go to parties, go to graduations, go to New Year celebrations, etc etc etc. You just won't want to drink yourself. Never once have I ever heard of someone being asked to leave a party because they were NOT drinking - but I've seen plenty of drunks THROWN out.
That's how real recovery works. Who the heck wants to recover from their alcoholism only to be kept locked in a closet?
I'd rather recover so I can live life vs. avoid life so I can stay in recovery.
Another little "fact" I've learned: We need to learn how to be as happy in our recovery as we ever were in our addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 237
I say go with him to the places he goes but with the firm resolve that you are going to be the designated driver for everyone. You will still have fun and be with everyone that you were with in the past, but sober.
But you are all right... I have to just wait and see and stop being so pesimistic. It IS my problem, not his. However, if all he wants to do is drink the weekends away I dont think I will be too keen on that.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
One thing for me that has been kind of interesting is my SO does drink, and he was previously in the AA program, which has resulted in a surprising amount of judgment from fellow AAs.
My SO had a drug problem in his early 20s. AA really helped him and kept him sober for a couple of years. Now, he drinks, but only occasionally -- a beer with friends. Alcoholism was never really his problem, his drug addiction was.
Personally, I'm an alcoholic. I've never done other drugs. Alcohol is my drug of choice, and I need to stay away from it. But I'm surprised by how other people want to judge my SO's occasional beer or the fact that he no longer attends meetings (because of the falling out with his meeting friends about the alcohol).
My SO is incredibly supportive and I probably wouldn't have made it to AA without him. I'm very grateful to him in this regard.
Just wanted to offer another perspective.
GG
My SO had a drug problem in his early 20s. AA really helped him and kept him sober for a couple of years. Now, he drinks, but only occasionally -- a beer with friends. Alcoholism was never really his problem, his drug addiction was.
Personally, I'm an alcoholic. I've never done other drugs. Alcohol is my drug of choice, and I need to stay away from it. But I'm surprised by how other people want to judge my SO's occasional beer or the fact that he no longer attends meetings (because of the falling out with his meeting friends about the alcohol).
My SO is incredibly supportive and I probably wouldn't have made it to AA without him. I'm very grateful to him in this regard.
Just wanted to offer another perspective.
GG
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hey Shelly
Have you spoken to your husband about this at all yet?
I know the temptation is there but try not to run too far ahead - all you have to worry about is today
I know of many people here who have a partner who drinks - it's perhaps not ideal - but it's doable. I've seen it
You'll always find SR here for support
D
Have you spoken to your husband about this at all yet?
I know the temptation is there but try not to run too far ahead - all you have to worry about is today
I know of many people here who have a partner who drinks - it's perhaps not ideal - but it's doable. I've seen it
You'll always find SR here for support
D
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Yes. My SO still drinks. Quit for awhile....back at it, now.
He respects that I don't want to smell it on him, so I don't.
He is a very, very good man. He stuck with me while I was a drunk, so maybe I'm just doing the same thing. I don't know. I do know that it takes time. And communication is key.
He respects that I don't want to smell it on him, so I don't.
He is a very, very good man. He stuck with me while I was a drunk, so maybe I'm just doing the same thing. I don't know. I do know that it takes time. And communication is key.
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
Went shopping today and asked husband if he wanted anything. He asked me to pickup some beer. I then asked him if he wanted something harder. He replied that "he wouldn't ask me to do that". So I went shopping and when I got home he asked for the harder stuff and I told him I didn't get it...you said "you wouldn't ask me to"...his reply.."I wouldn't ask you to, but I thought you would"....grrrrr. It was hard enough trying to figure out the beer. I give up. He is no help at all...but I did ask him didn't I.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 237
Indakut... thats my concern too. He keeps thinking that this is a temporary gig.. that I will quit drinking for a few weeks so that I can stop smoking....even though I have told him that I plan to make this a life long endevour.
He thinks that my problem is just because when I smoke I want to drink more and thats why I drink so much sometimes. He wants to believe that because he wants someone to drink with. I worry that he may have a problem too but wont admit it. The fact that hes out boozing right now while I am trying to stop drinking and at home packing up our house (we move in a week) makes me think he needs to drink. Otherwise, why would he do that... it makes it harder for me when I think he might have a problem too. Its not my place to say anything but I worry that he will be forced to find another drinking buddy or worse, encourage me back off the wagon.
He thinks that my problem is just because when I smoke I want to drink more and thats why I drink so much sometimes. He wants to believe that because he wants someone to drink with. I worry that he may have a problem too but wont admit it. The fact that hes out boozing right now while I am trying to stop drinking and at home packing up our house (we move in a week) makes me think he needs to drink. Otherwise, why would he do that... it makes it harder for me when I think he might have a problem too. Its not my place to say anything but I worry that he will be forced to find another drinking buddy or worse, encourage me back off the wagon.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Hi Shelly,
I understand your concern. I often say that early sobriety is a time for really big change and I mean that. I changed from the inside out and it sounds like you recognize that you are facing some big changes in your life. I understand your not wanting to go out with friends who are drinking. I don't go out as much as I used to and I'm very happy with that. I have learned to stop running and to enjoy 'being'.
It could be that your husband has a problem, but that will be something he will need to figure out for himself. For now, try to focus on your recovery and your upcoming move and you'll be fine.
I understand your concern. I often say that early sobriety is a time for really big change and I mean that. I changed from the inside out and it sounds like you recognize that you are facing some big changes in your life. I understand your not wanting to go out with friends who are drinking. I don't go out as much as I used to and I'm very happy with that. I have learned to stop running and to enjoy 'being'.
It could be that your husband has a problem, but that will be something he will need to figure out for himself. For now, try to focus on your recovery and your upcoming move and you'll be fine.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Hi Shelly
Wow are u sure we don't have the same hubby?? I think my hubby thought that my sobriety would only be a temporary thing and I'd be back drinkin away..but as the months have gone by he has realized that this is the way of life for me now...at first he was bringing beer into the house, but doesn't anymore...not even outside in the yard if I am around.....I did have a talk with him, now he respects my boundaries...Maybe try having a heart to heart with your hubby... It couldnt hurt!!
Wow are u sure we don't have the same hubby??
I think my hubby thought that my sobriety would only be a temporary thing and I'd be back drinkin away..but as the months have gone by he has realized that this is the way of life for me now...at first he was bringing beer into the house, but doesn't anymore...not even outside in the yard if I am around.....I did have a talk with him, now he respects my boundaries...Maybe try having a heart to heart with your hubby... It couldnt hurt!!
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